NEWSLETTER: "ONLY 66 ISSUES UNTIL OUR BATTLE OF HASTINGS SPECIAL"
* BUFFY'S SWEARING TELEPHONE - now works on mobile
* GUESS THE SHOPPING - what price is milk?
* BAD DINOSAURS - Netflix resurrects them
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | not giving up like those
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| NTK people ... together"
B3ta news-e-letter 1000, 28th Sept 2026
Read this issue pretending your wife is a hat:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue1000
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making onion soup in their pants
* THINK YOU KNOW WHAT GROCERIES COST? - PDS
writes, "I made Daily Shop, a small daily game
about how well we actually know supermarket
prices. You get a real UK supermarket basket,
four guesses, and after each guess it only tells
you higher or lower." Found this moderately
entertaining; a variation on asking politicians
"how much is a pint of milk?" The answer, being
of course, 568 ml.
https://dailyshopgame.co.uk
* BUFFY'S SWEARING TELEPHONE - GingerPrince
writes, "It's Buffy's Swearing Keyboard, but I
remade it to work on mobile and touchscreen."
This was your editor and Joel Veitch's finest
work, rejigged for phones, and available in time
for the 1000th newsletter. Altogether now,
"XYLOPHONE BUGGERY!" Actually that bit was Lucy,
the secret third collaborator in this project,
who pointed out we'd got so excited and shouty
that bits of it were unintelligible, so she
helped re-record the worst parts.
https://buffys-swearing-keyboard.pages.dev/
* PIPCROSS, A DICE PUZZLE - UsefulCat writes,
"I've made a puzzle. Fill the grid with dice
using the clues to work out where the pips are.
Start with the 'mini' one if you find it's
hurting your noggin. There is also a 'spin' mode
where the dice can be rotated - it's super
hard!" Yep, this is fucking hard and makes us
cry, but it went down quite well on /links, so
you can have it here.
https://puzzmallow.com/pipcross
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: SPONSORED SLOT - SHORT RUN DESIGN
Buy some awesome stuff
After the news last week that we need a new
sponsor, Short Run Design have stepped up to the
cash machine and said, "Can you pimp us please?"
OK, Short Run Design have lots of great products
made in limited runs, including hoodies, a
magazine by Loaded's James Brown, tins of fish
and a very sharp little knife. Ideal for
presents - B3tans need presents, don't they? Dig
in and buy stuff so Short Run Design stick
around and keep sponsoring us.
https://shortrundesign.com/
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next to B3ta people (not leprosy)
* MATT ROUND'S CRISP SANDWICH DAY - Matt tells
us, "If you're stuck for a coming-soon thing,
Crisp Sandwich Day is a month away." So prep
now. Also Matt is still looking for more photos
to be submitted to ButtyStock - his
crisp-sandwich-based stock library. Do not, and
we repeat, do not launch a rival project called
Spagetty Images.
https://vole.wtf/crisp-sandwich-day/
* LISTEN TO CHRIS BARKER PROMO HIS BOOK ON THE
RICHARD HERRING PODCAST - Barker writes,
"Richard Herring loved our book and had us on
his podcast RHLSTP, which meant we sold out of
books. Luckily we were convinced to do a second
print run, which will be ready to mail out for
Christmas at lostfilmsbook.store. Might be worth
mentioning he was absolutely gushing about it,
having bought it of his own volition." OK, we'll
mention that, so do give it all a listen and buy
their book.
https://www.rhlstp.co.uk/website.cgi
* JOEL VEITCH AND NATT TAPLEY GET TWO EXTRA
SEASONS OF BAD DINOSAURS - two one-time B3tans;
one dinosaur show for kids that got cancelled.
However, like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park,
they're back from the dead. Genuinely it's all
because of the (dinosaur's) long tail. Kids
watch the same shows again and again, so the
numbers were great over time, and it was
worthwhile for Netflix to bring it back. Huzzah.
https://www.whats-on-netflix.com/news/bad-dinosaur...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Unlikely Siblings
Chthonic was pondering if Wes and John Craven
were brothers, and, if so, what Wes Craven's
Newsround would have been like. Dig out your
Photoshop 2.0 floppy disks and show us some
other unlikely surname swaps.
* Happy to see Ian Brown here, as this
newsletter has finally got over feeling annoyed
about his lockdown conspiracy phase, largely
because "Dolphins Were Monkeys" is a banger.
Thank you, 'hYpe'.
https://b3ta.com/board/11431637
* Props to S-Crimmy for making us think 'a bird
with spooky hands is worth two Bushes'.
https://b3ta.com/board/11431627
* Loving this work from 'The Twisted Omentum',
which did absolutely nothing for us until we
read the title and then we slightly lost it.
https://b3ta.com/board/11431506
* See all the other images from the 'Unlikely
Siblings' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/unlikelysiblings/popular
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: FESSHOLE
Oh God, not more confessions, make it stop
Each week we wonder: what if one of our other
ideas had taken off, and instead you could have
had a repeatable section like "sausages that
look like Chairman Mao"? After the millionth
submission on that rot, you'd be glad of
Fesshole. Some quality-ish type-ins to the form
this week include:
* DREAM JOB - "My new boss, a 29-year-old former
graduate, absolutely hates his job, doesn't want
to be here and is never around. He just leaves
me to get on with things. Does exactly what I
say and doesn't question anything. I'm 57 and
he's hands down the best manager I've ever had."
* SHE'S A BASKET CASE - "Moving into my first
house with my future wife, money tight, she paid
£50 for a laundry basket. I fumed, saying we are
on a budget. She says it's worth it as it will
last. 26 years later, as I put my undies in the
laundry, I've got to concede she probably got
that one right."
* SITCOM PITCH - "I knew my teenaged daughter
was in her rebellious phase, but I wasn't
prepared for a. her adding off-putting fruit
from a fruit cup to her pizza slices, nor b.
being called a 'Pizza Karen' when I challenged
her on it, nor c. the wife and son laughing at
the term 'Pizza Karen'."
Follow the account that actually is doing OK on
Facebook, in terms of getting some nice replies.
However, Facebook keep limiting the reach
because their automatic AI moderation is a
fucking nightmare to deal with - you can't get
hold of a human who will understand: "No, it's a
joke about drugs, we're not actually selling
drugs, you stupid, literal bastards."
https://www.facebook.com/fesshole/
Buy the books before there's a nuclear war and
you become the bloke in the Twilight Zone
episode who finds he's now got all the time he
needs to read but has broken his glasses.
However, because it's a modern reboot, he has no
way to charge his Kindle. We're saying: buy them
on paper and also buy some back-up reading
glasses.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BEEF
Your guide to Ceefax "see faxes" this week
* AI FESSHOLE - People anonymously confess what
they use AI for, and it's telling how much shame
comes through in admitting to outsourcing your
thinking to the shit machine. As for the person
who wrote, "I broke up with my ex with the help
of GPT" - what's wrong with using a fax machine
like Phil Collins, you lazy git?
https://www.whatwetellai.com/
* FREE THE CELLS - This site allows you to play
Solitaire in meditative silence with loads of
other "netizens", a device which does,
strangely, work to provide a bit of calming
company away from all the anxious babble on most
community sites. And, yes, the card cascade does
happen when you win.
https://solitairealonetogether.com/
* WHEN AI 64 - A collection of AI software from
when it peaked in the 1990s and you could use
your C64 as a therapist. One nice idea Magic Sam
could steal would be to play the funeral march
at launch, as happens for no reason when you
boot up DOS Psychiatrist Dr. Spoc. Shit people
up even more for no reason.
https://archive.org/details/vintageai
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: BEST OF ANON OPIN
What if we crowd-sourced opinions? Like for yes
We slag this shit off, but actually we quite
like Anon Opin. It's a lot less stressful to
moderate than Fesshole, and we fundamentally
enjoy opinions; they're small electrodes to the
brain to prompt a reaction. Some good replies
this week include:
* THE SOCIETY FOR THE CORRECT USE OF ENGLISH -
"Either Penelope should be pronounced to rhyme
with elope, or elope should be pronounced to
rhyme with Penelope. You can't have it both
ways." Best reply? "You can't impose logic on
the English language. It's as though you haven't
thought it through thoroughly enough." (thx
Simon)
* THIS JOKE SUNK - "The first half of Titanic,
pre-iceberg, is better than the second half."
Best reply? "I imagine the passengers thought
the same thing." (thx Orangudan)
* KO-FI ANON - "Cunts: Stop using 'a coffee' as
a benchmark for cheapness. 'Could you donate £5
a week? That's just the price of a coffee!' No,
a spoonful of Lidl French Blend and some boiling
water doesn't cost £5. We don't all spend our
mornings spraying a fiver up the wall in Costa."
Best reply? "Somebody needs to switch to decaf."
(thx Juan Nilto)
Would you like more of this bollocks? Then join
the most sanctimonious social network, Bluesky,
and get replying. To be fair, you can join other
social networks; Anon Opin does weirdly good
numbers on Threads for some reason. Probably
Musk-bots.
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off creating great shit
* HAPPY 'X' DAY TO THOSE WHO CELEBRATE - create
a massive database of the funny things that have
happened on the web. Remember them with an
account that marks their anniversaries.
* BABE, WHERE'S MY GLASSES? - an app that tells
us to look: by the bed, by the telly, in the
kitchen, by the bath, in our rucksack, or on our
head. Because, ffs, we can never find our
fucking glasses.
* A REJIG OF 'LET ME GOOGLE IT FOR YOU' - that
instead suggests shouting out of a window to a
passing postie as a reasonable idea. Let's all
speak to people rather than a broken AI search
engine that makes things up.
So stick your work in our form and ask us to
look at it and we will. That's the B3ta promise.
(We don't promise to like it, mind you, but we
do look.) Please stop asking us for medical
diagnoses. See a doctor; that foot looks
dangerous.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*STOOBERT* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE*
*DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH* *DAVID GREEN*
*MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
Tom Dolan, Kate, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Matthew Wilkes, Kev Adams, Tom
Wright, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, mattdawhit, Adam
Lloyd, ALFsplaining, Anna, Ashens, Chris Evans,
d_m0, Dave Tickle, David Catley, Derek Law, Emma
Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich, Greg
Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton, Ivan
Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Lumphammer, Martin Peache, matsimpsk,
Matthew Collinge, Matthew Morris, Nick Ross,
Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie
Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon waterfall, the wub,
Tim Jokl, Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey
Farrow, Chef Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71,
Jonty Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen Gaskell,
Ben Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford Lawrence,
omnipiss, This London Midlife, Claire Turner,
Phil Lovell, Jon Morris Smith, Stuart,
Mellyfish, Roy Santos, Phillip Spowart, Daniel
Calvin, Rich Corcoran, John Daly, Geoff Tidey,
nevillebartos, Ian Walker, Leighton Stevenson,
Funny_Hat, Gillian, Phil Bennett, Matt, Oni,
Katie Steckles, Simon Howard, Luka Mikec,
Stuart, Kier Fox, Peter Henningsen, tom
yeoldeforge, C Bond, Harri Bionic, mattcox303,
Gerry Spencer, Patrick Hudson, Robert van Dijk,
Richie Hindle, Ian Walker, Paul Martyn, John
Davies, Mark Arnold, Harry Simpson, Paul Pod,
Tom Loosemore, da.vidjam.es, Zoe
Trinder-Widdess, Jonathan Ellinsfield, James
Stratton, Chris Wicks, and Leonie M Smith's
Freewheeling World of Turquoise Floyd.
Also thanks to the 75 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BS, CC, CS, CZ, DP, DE,
EN, GS, GF, IO, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM, MB, MF,
NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RC, RA, RM, SC, SR, SW, TB,
TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE, and BB. You
are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors: Chris
Wicks, Leonie M Smith's Freewheeling World of
Turquoise Floyd, James Stratton, Jonathan
Ellinsfield, Zoe Trinder-Widdess, da.vidjam.es,
Mark Arnold, Patrick Hudson, John Davies, and
Paul Pod.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon; it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round for
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "CHURCH" FESSHOLE
"Big painting job in a church and the client
started to get a bit pissy about my style, so I
added his face to a demon in the corner. Don't
think anyone's noticed yet." Best reply? "I knew
there was a bit of a backlog, but are we really
only now seeing fesses from the 1500s?" (thx
Mike)
