NEWSLETTER: "CALL THE COPS, IT'S B3TA NEWSLETTER 999, YOU'RE TWISTING MY MELON MAN(UEL)"
* SWEARING AROUND THE WORLD -- illustrated FFS
* PASSENGER FLIGHT SIM -- tray tables, bogs etc
* 427 SATANIC GNOMES WAITING IN A LOFT - fear it
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | popping it in an internet
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| money box... together"
B3ta news-e-letter 999, 21st Sept 2026
Read this newsletter to your sickly cat:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue999
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making splashy noises in the toilet
* THE FFS PROJECT - eclectech writes, "Hello. I
have made a thing. A colourful collection of
global disgruntlement. If you spend your time
looking at the news & muttering 'For Fuck's
Sake' you might like it. Maybe. Illustrations of
idiomatic translations of FFS from people who
speak the language. Because FFS." This is good
and we'd love to see it extended with audio
clips of people saying FFS in the different
languages.
https://www.eclectech.co.uk/ffs
* COVER STORIES CALENDAR 2027 - Captain Howdy
has been imagining Penguin covers for stories
that don't have them. He hopes to sell more than
the four he did last year, so if we all pull
together we can surely beat that, and hopefully
not get him sued by Big Penguin.
https://b3ta.com/links/Cover_Stories_Calendar_2027
* THE NOTORIOUSLY THIRSTY GUINEA P I G - si
bennett writes, "My daughter's idea for this
song" this was largely ignored on the b3ta board
but this newsletter found this charming. Turns
out we'll support anything if you blame your
kids for the idea. Take note Benjamin Netanyahu.
https://b3ta.com/links/1634085
* "I MADE A FLIGHT SIMULATOR BUT YOU'RE JUST A
PASSENGER" - Robert Kotcher writes, "you can
open your tray table, buckle your seatbelt, use
the bathroom, and watch the world go by. Enjoy!"
Ooh, this is an idea we shoved in the things
we'd like to see once, nice to see it's finally
happened.
https://inflightsimulator.com
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Scratch that! New sponsor needed.
Thank you to Hebtro for sponsoring B3ta since,
ooh 2018, a long time. This has come to an end,
not anything sinister, but a staff change at the
company means our contact there has moved on. So
thank you to Hebtro for those years of support.
We would love a new sponsor - if this could be
you, please get in touch.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: FESSHOLE
It's the occasionally ok-ish fesses bit
We don't recommend running a confessions
account, as although there's the small bit of
glory of having the combined internet followers
of about 1.5m, it does mean every so often
someone will get into a row in the comments with
someone else, and decide it's our fault. Some
fun favs this week include:
* "DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I FEEL LIKE A QUACK" - "My
nickname at school was Quacker after I farted on
a wooden seat and it sounded like a duck. When I
go back to my old area, people still shout out
'Quacker'; I'm 73 and a retired doctor. If I
tried to fart now, I'd shit myself."
* KNEEL, TENANT - "Met a great guy and things
were going really well until the third date when
he told me he was a landlord and started
complaining about his tenants. Ghosted him after
that, not going to be living with a parasite"
* WATCH OUT, FOLK HORROR BEADLE'S ABOUT - "In
the loft of a terraced house in a town east of
Manchester sit 427 gnomes. They are all dressed
in satanic robes and pointing at the loft hatch.
I'm still waiting for its discovery to surface
in the media."
Follow the account that only has followers
because, well, what's the real reason? The word
'confession' is intriguing, and the account,
although often shite, has stuck to its purpose
through the years, so each post is effectively
an advert for the account: like this? There's
more here etc.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Buy the books that mean your newsletter editor's
name is not allowed to work in the nuclear
industry any more.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BEEF
Your guide to some groovy FTP repositories
* EVERY ISSUE OF BYTE IN ONE BIG IMAGE - eXOBeX
recommends, "Every issue of Byte in one big
image. Searchable and very, very zoomable." If
you don't want some of these as posters in your
lady cave, then you're not us.
https://byte.tsundoku.io/
* I AM THE MODEL OF A MODERN DAY TYPOGRAPHER -
People on the board enjoyed this video where a
nerdy lady fits the names of fonts to a Gilbert
and Sullivan tune, probably because none of them
have had sex since Ian Brown was on Top Of The
Pops.
https://b3ta.com/links/1634188 (10 votes)
* PAINT BY NUMBERS, TOGETHER - r/place with the
guardrails on, so that you are told what to
paint, can't make any mistakes and don't have to
spend your time painting over swastikas. It's
actually quite relaxing - perhaps those paint by
numbers mindfulness books are onto something
after all.
https://fillgood.io
* PHYSICAL LIFE - This beautiful nerd project is
a physical, and surprisingly expensive, version
of Conway's Game Of Life. Shame they add music
to the video as I assume there would be some
lovely ASMR to be had in hearing those tactile
buttons being pressed.
https://blog.coredump.cx/p/conways-game-of-life-in...
* TRAILER PARK - A site which has tried to link
every film up to a trailer. A bit buggy and
often fails and just shows clips, or the entire
film when it comes to 1890s classics like View
From An Engine Front - Ilfracombe, but a random
button always beats an algorithm if you want a
bit of serendipity.
https://trailers.fm
* LET'S PLAY HOUSE - One of those property
listing things where it's all pretty rank but
it's picture 10 that really sells it. Can a
b3tan buy this property please? And nuke it?
https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/92702226
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: BEST OF ANON OPIN
Opinions, that are anonymous
The most tedious reply to Anon Opin is "well
that didn't need to be anonymous" and yep almost
none of it needs to be. People submit stuff to
it largely because it's fun to publish to a
large platform, the same reason someone might
write to a newspaper. Some of the better
comments this week - i.e. ones that aren't that,
or "no, that's wrong" - include:
* TREES ARE GOOD - "Cities should plant two new
trees for each existing tree to provide more
shade and lower temperatures in summer. And they
should make sure they don't plant any of the
trees that smell of spunk." Best reply? "They
all smell of spunk when I'm done with them" (thx
mathewsmith)
* PERIODS - "One space after a comma, two spaces
after a full stop. That is the one true way.
Anything else is wrong. Yes, I know HTML only
puts one after a full stop no matter how many
you type - it's wrong." Best reply? "Just cos
that's what you learned in the 70s doesn't make
it correct now in the 90s, or whenever it is"
(thx Filth Wizard)
* PINTS - "If all your friendship group wants to
do is go out drinking then you have very boring
friends." Best reply? "Luckily my friends have a
range of hobbies. Not just booze, but also
ketamine and dogging." (thx Curious Iguana)
Follow the account so you can do better than
replying "that's stupid and wrong" because you
know, good replies are either jokes, or
explaining WHY you disagree. As we say to
toddlers: use your words.
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Sport Music
Aside from Snooker Loopy, Diamond Lights and
Gazza rapping about sausage rolls, there's not
been a lot of crossover between the worlds of
sport and music. Let's fix that by making music
more sporty, or showing us how pop stars would
fare at sport. Suggested by HappyToast. Here's
the best images from this week:
* 'HYPE' is all about Mike Oldfield, which we
are too in B3ta towers, as he's a fucking genius
https://b3ta.com/board/11431253
* And another great entry from 'HYPE' who is all
about another fantastic artist who we adore in
this very newsletter
https://b3ta.com/board/11431199
* And props to 'Iawn Cont' for bigging up
another of our fav pop stars, we love them all
https://b3ta.com/board/11431149
* See all the other images from the 'Sport
Music' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/sportmusic/popular
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next to people on b3ta dot com
* NEW 'SEVEN SECONDS OF LOVE' SONG - crab_bloke
writes, "We've got a couple of new songs in our
set, this is one that we gave a first outing to
last time we played live. It's called Raise Your
Knees, and is about one of the festival gigs we
played that got a bit out of hand. This is from
the New Cross Inn, which is the only place we
play live any more, once a year."
https://b3ta.com/links/1634228
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to spin up your thought processes
* EX-MEMBERS, NEW BANDS - a complete guide to
potential bands that could be created from
ex-members of bands. You could create a whole
new Cure from their ex-members, Boris on drums,
Pearl on guitar, Phil Thornalley on bass, Lol on
keyboards and they could take it in turn
singing. Or get in Dusty Bin.
* QUESTIONS FOR TEENAGERS, A GUIDE - to get the
moody buggers to talk. We've found silly
either/or questions can get a conversation
going, what would be your tips?
* SMOL BOATS - a cartoon series about smol boats
who are trying really hard to be brave, and you
should love them, because they are lovable and
smol.
Submit your work, and maybe, next week, you
could be featured at the top of B3ta Newsletter
1,000, like your internet heroes like 'captain
pre-cum' or 'crisp botherer'
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*STOOBERT* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE*
*DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH* *DAVID GREEN*
*MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
Tom Dolan, Kate, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Matthew Wilkes, Kev Adams, Tom
Wright, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, mattdawhit, Adam
Lloyd, ALFsplaining, Anna, Ashens, Chris Evans,
d_m0, Dave Tickle, David Catley, Derek Law, Emma
Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich, Greg
Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton, Ivan
Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Lumphammer, Martin Peache, matsimpsk,
Matthew Collinge, Matthew Morris, Nick Ross,
Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie
Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon waterfall, the wub,
Tim Jokl, Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey
Farrow, Chef Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71,
Jonty Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen Gaskell,
Ben Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford Lawrence,
omnipiss, This London Midlife, Claire Turner,
Phil Lovell, Jon Morris Smith, Stuart,
Mellyfish, Roy Santos, Phillip Spowart, Daniel
Calvin, Rich Corcoran, John Daly, Geoff Tidey,
nevillebartos, Ian Walker, Leighton Stevenson,
Funny_Hat, Gillian, Phil Bennett, Matt, Oni,
Katie Steckles, Simon Howard, Luka Mikec,
Stuart, Kier Fox, Peter Henningsen, tom
yeoldeforge, C Bond, Harri Bionic, mattcox303,
Gerry Spencer, Patrick Hudson, Robert van Dijk,
Richie Hindle, Ian Walker, Paul Martyn, John
Davies, Mark Arnold, Harry Simpson, Paul Pod,
Tom Loosemore, da.vidjam.es, Zoe
Trinder-Widdess, Jonathan Ellinsfield, James
Stratton, Chris Wicks, and Leonie M Smith's
Freewheeling World of Turquoise Floyd.
Also thanks to the 75 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BS, CC, CS, CZ, DP, DE,
EN, GS, GF, IO, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM, MB, MF,
NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RC, RA, RM, SC, SR, SW, TB,
TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE, and BB. You
are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors: Chris
Wicks, Leonie M Smith's Freewheeling World of
Turquoise Floyd, James Stratton, Jonathan
Ellinsfield, Zoe Trinder-Widdess, da.vidjam.es,
Mark Arnold, Patrick Hudson, John Davies, and
Paul Pod.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round for
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "SPREADSHEET" FESSHOLE
"My brother's girlfriend manipulated him years
ago to stop having contact with any of his
family. I recently had to e-mail him an Excel
doc about some inheritance stuff, I added an
extra tab with screenshots of her trash talking
about him on forums." Best reply? "Calm down,
Prince William" (thx Sam Turner)
