NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 111: "LOVE, SEX, TOAST AND LANDMINES"
This Week:
* ANIM - Toast Horror
* VID - Home-made Landmine
* READ - Prossie Blog
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web ... together"
B3ta email 111 - 07 Nov 2003
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue111/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Toast, landmines, sexy nonsense, funny names
>> Horrific toast animation <<
A remarkably harrowing cartoon from Halfgiraffe.
It starts off so innocently, with a man buying a
lovely new toaster, but it truly is the work of
a disturbed mind. Toast fact: If you can smell
burning toast, it means you are about to have a
stroke. Or your toast is burning. Bad news
either way, we feel.
http://www.halfgiraffe.com/toast.html
>> Home-made landmine <<
Yes, the innocent joys of high explosive. B3ta
boarder Sack has been playing with very dangerous
toys indeed. Here is his video and step-by-step
instructions on making a landmine. Which you are
not to follow, because that would be extremely
unwise, wouldn't it?
http://mine.moothefurcar.co.uk/
>> Lovely, sexy, inexplicable <<
We don't pretend to understand this Flash vid
by Sumjuanstewpeed, but it looks utterly fantastic.
And it's about sex. Marvel at its beauty, ponder
at its meaning, pass it on to assorted friends.
Do it now, quickly, before it goes all bloaty.
http://www.somethingstupid.plus.com/mupitmovie.htm...
>> Funny names <<
The world's funniest genuine names. A feature we
made because *you* demanded it. Or you made because
*we* demanded it. Whatever the truth - come feast
your fill at this, our trough of the greatest and
best humourous names. Compiled by the redoubtable
Mr Fraser Lewry.
http://www.b3ta.com/features/realnames/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Bizarre phone parody <<
Mobile phones nowadays, eh? Trying to be all
things to all men: telephone, personal organiser
and even games console. That's the point this
parody site is making, but the real draw is the
nerdy joy of seeing a gallery of other people's
tech toys strapped to the side of their heads.
http://www.sidetalkin.com/
>> Apocalyptic animation <<
This is the way the world ends. This sharp,
funny documentary-style animation spells the
whole thing out, complete with scratchy marker
pen diagrams.
http://members.cox.net/impunity/endofworld.swf
>> Prostitute blog <<
Diary of a London call girl - most blogs are a
bit dull. This one isn't. It's quite seedy and
a little bit titillating. More interestingly,
it's an insight into a way of life you're
unlikely to encounter down your local village
hall. Yay for the blogging prostitute.
http://belledejour-uk.blogspot.com/
>> Megaman sings Bohemian Rhapsody <<
You don't have to be a fan of arcade classic
Megaman to enjoy this rendition of the The World's
Greatest Rock Song. The combination of dodgy game
sprites with full rock opera pomp and splendour
is done with the kind of spazzy genius we can
only salute.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php
>> Funny animal rights <<
This is good, and very timely too. The Meatrix
is a well thought-out anti-factory-farming
campaign. Worth it, if only to see Larry
Fishburne as a cow.
http://www.themeatrix.com/
>> Ignorant eBay auction <<
Funny eBay ads: We've all seen them. But they
seem to be trying a little bit too hard to be
wacky. This chap manages to amuse because he
genuinely doesn't give a toss about what he's
selling. He just wants the money for power tools
and beer. What a guy.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll
>> Steve Ballmer's iPod ad <<
Dance, Monkeyboy, dance! Steve Ballmer is best
known as the CEO of Microsoft. But he is also
renowned for his triumphantly uninhibited cavorting
at the corporation's conferences. This pleasing
animation, in the style of Apple's iPod commercials,
rightly celebrates his simian antics once again.
http://www.macboy.com/cartoons/ballmer/ballmersipo...
>> Positive Matrix: Revolutions review <<
The news being that somebody *likes* the new
Matrix film. Celebrity geek Harry Knowles has
never been afraid to be uncool. Here he tells
why he loved Revolutions, but how it would be
even cooler if it had been Superman fighting
Lex Luthor. Rock on, Harry.
http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi
>> Worst album covers: the motherlode <<
There's an email currently doing the rounds with
a collection of 'Worst Album Covers Ever'. This
is where they robbed the images from: A huge
compilation celebrating the very arse of album art.
Complete with a 'where are they now' button, it's
a well worth a 20-minute perusal.
http://www.io.com/~dork/records/
>> Oolong is dead; long live Yuebing <<
Rabbits wearing pastry on their heads, who
could object? Several months ago, fans were
saddened by news of the death of Oolong, the
'head performance' rabbit. Now joy, as owner
Hironori Akutagawa has acquired a lovely new
bunny to carry on the tradition. And the cake.
http://www.h6.dion.ne.jp/~yuebing/031102/031102-1....
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGES
Results from the 100% Fact Challenge and the
Reductionist Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
>> Reductionist challenge <<
Last week we wanted pictures of people reduced
to the absolute minimum number of elements:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/reductionist/
Then we asked the wonderful 'Spacefish' to
judge, here are his 3 faves.
Spacefish scribbled -
#1 "Elvis - the King of Rock and Roll,
perfectly captured in three triangles. This
is a gorgeous portrait of the man. Woo!
(Or is it?)
http://b3ta.com/board/2246503
#2 "Patrick Moore - Patrick was one of the
people to inspire a wealth of challenge
entries simply because he is utterly fab.
Pippy lovingly captures him partaking in
a xylophone recital...
(pippy)
http://b3ta.com/board/2253292
#3 "Dalek in a paddling pool, wearing a Mexican
hat - You'd be forgiven for thinking that
minimalist art is a simple matter. It's not
- getting a dalek to sit in a paddling pool
is easy. Finding a sombrero that will rest
comfortably on his head is not." (Zak McFlimby)
http://b3ta.com/board/2259697
>> Fact challenge <<
Two weeks ago we wanted facts, lots of facts:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/facts/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Kittywaste' to judge the
100% Fact challenge:
Kittywaste writes -
#1 "Animals can sense it - Top notch animal
rescue, and you thought they were all fur
and cuteness." (MissPrism)
http://b3ta.com/board/2230410
#2 "100% Fact - all too true, and a top
tattyshopped image too. (gracielou)
http://b3ta.com/board/2226987
#3 "Millions of trees are planted each year -
I laughed until I soiled myself (again).
(Damocles)
http://b3ta.com/board/2204074
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor 'Mozza' gave us
the suggestion, "James Bond Gadgets"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/bond/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* OLIVER POSTGATE SAYS NO - B3ta's Mr. Fixit,
Fraser Lewry asked the genius behind Bagpuss,
Ivor the Engine, Noggin the Nog (and many
others) if he'd like to be interviewed for
this newsletter. He turned us down, but in
a rather sweet way:
"Thank-you for the invitation but I have been
careless enough to get old, too old I'm afraid
to cope even with the simple task you suggest.
One has so little time left and everything
takes twice as long as it should.
"Nowadays I even have to look myself up in my
autobiography (Seeing Things published by
Macmillan, second-hand copies from Amazon)
because my memory is crumbling fast.
"Don't grow old - it's bad for you.
"Sorry, Oliver Postgate"
Aww. We admire the sly plug for his book,
though.
* MAN Vs. TENNIS RACQUET ON TV - The morning
after the Halloween bash, LP performed his
party piece of climbing through a tennis
racquet on Saturday morning kids' show Dick
and Dom in da Bungalow. "I was very hung-over
and wearing a b3ta t-shirt," he tells us.
Hooray for you LP, a trouper to the last.
* GRAPE / MICROWAVE EXPERIMENT - a couple of
weeks ago we featured a series of things you
could make explode in your microwave.
Rollersnakes writes, "I thought I'd try the
grape experiment and it worked. So me and my
mate got out a camera and when we did, it
burned even better than before." Here they go:
http://us.share.geocities.com/rollersnakes1989/gra...
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: HALLOWEEN RAFFLE THANKS
A big, fat thankyou to everyone who donated
prizes for our Halloween raffle.
WORD MAGAZINE for the DVD/books/CDs. They also
want us to plug their mag - and we don't mind
coz it's ace and we read it every month. You
can sub here for £20 instead the usual of £42.
https://secure.widearea.co.uk/cisubs/DEVE/WOR/RV20
GBAX for the Backlit GP32 hand held console.
Oh, and you can buy one here. Get 'em quick
because there's only about 2000 left in the
world.
http://www.gbax.com/
NICEY/THE WIFE for biscuits.
http://www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com/
NTK for the shirts.
http://www.ntkmart.co.uk/
COMPUTER ARTS for lovely subscriptions.
http://www.computerarts.co.uk/
SKATEATTACK for the remote control helicopter.
http://www.skateattack.co.uk/
BE-SPOKE for Animal friendly cosmetics.
http://www.be-spoke.com/
ILLEGAL INDUSTRIES for the Bottle of rum.
http://www.illegalindustries.co.uk/
ASKJEEVES for the Aerolattes.
http://www.ask.co.uk/
FIZZYMEDIA for DVD and executive marble run.
http://www.fizzymedia.com/
NOOKII for games.
http://www.nookii.com/
KOMPLETT for JazPiper UBit UB128 MP3/Memory
128MB.
http://www.komplett.co.uk
>> Extra Thanks <<
Voodoo Trombone Quartet vest top from Mr & Mrs
Ryan
Action game, books and framed pictures from
Tim Ireland
Calendar from Steve Martin (Mr Sheep).
Painting from Richard Tingley.
Weebl & Bob shirt from Jonti.
Buffy + Planet of the Apes vids from Rob Manuel.
Special thanks to Sul & Vic for writing out the
raffle tickets
And, of course, thanks to everyone who bought a
ticket.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A TRAINED MONKEY - that can do our job.
* A NEW FORM OF INSULT - we're bored with calling
people "cunts" and "fuckpuppets"
* SOMETHING AMAZING - that only you could have
made. That would be fantastic, thanks.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by gezza, steven shears, couk,
td_mayhem, neileous, firekitty101, fuzzybunny,
ash hall, daniel bates, stinkycheeseman, hunta,
neil mcdonnell, pete donaldson, ollsen, tavwood
and felis concolor.
Top Tippery by Annakissed.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the purple b4ta ponces. (71686)
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TOP TIP:
If your clothes are stained with mildew - and
whose aren't? - a paste of lemon juice and salt
rubbed on the fabric can help get them clean
again. As a side effect, it will also make them
taste delicious.
A slightly dull tip this week, perhaps, but at
least it won't get us into trouble with the
police when we try it out. Unlike the last
couple of times.
