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This Week:
* ANIM - Toast Horror
* VID - Home-made Landmine
* READ - Prossie Blog

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web ... together"

B3ta email 111 - 07 Nov 2003

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  Toast, landmines, sexy nonsense, funny names

  >> Horrific toast animation <<
  A remarkably harrowing cartoon from Halfgiraffe.
  It starts off so innocently, with a man buying a
  lovely new toaster, but it truly is the work of
  a disturbed mind. Toast fact: If you can smell
  burning toast, it means you are about to have a
  stroke. Or your toast is burning. Bad news
  either way, we feel.

  >> Home-made landmine <<
  Yes, the innocent joys of high explosive. B3ta
  boarder Sack has been playing with very dangerous
  toys indeed. Here is his video and step-by-step
  instructions on making a landmine. Which you are
  not to follow, because that would be extremely
  unwise, wouldn't it?

  >> Lovely, sexy, inexplicable <<
  We don't pretend to understand this Flash vid
  by Sumjuanstewpeed, but it looks utterly fantastic.
  And it's about sex. Marvel at its beauty, ponder
  at its meaning, pass it on to assorted friends.
  Do it now, quickly, before it goes all bloaty.

  >> Funny names <<
  The world's funniest genuine names. A feature we
  made because *you* demanded it. Or you made because
  *we* demanded it. Whatever the truth - come feast
  your fill at this, our trough of the greatest and
  best humourous names. Compiled by the redoubtable
  Mr Fraser Lewry.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Bizarre phone parody <<
  Mobile phones nowadays, eh? Trying to be all
  things to all men: telephone, personal organiser
  and even games console. That's the point this
  parody site is making, but the real draw is the
  nerdy joy of seeing a gallery of other people's
  tech toys strapped to the side of their heads.

  >> Apocalyptic animation <<
  This is the way the world ends. This sharp,
  funny documentary-style animation spells the
  whole thing out, complete with scratchy marker
  pen diagrams.

  >> Prostitute blog <<
  Diary of a London call girl - most blogs are a
  bit dull. This one isn't. It's quite seedy and
  a little bit titillating. More interestingly,
  it's an insight into a way of life you're
  unlikely to encounter down your local village
  hall. Yay for the blogging prostitute.

  >> Megaman sings Bohemian Rhapsody <<
  You don't have to be a fan of arcade classic
  Megaman to enjoy this rendition of the The World's
  Greatest Rock Song. The combination of dodgy game
  sprites with full rock opera pomp and splendour
  is done with the kind of spazzy genius we can
  only salute.

  >> Funny animal rights <<
  This is good, and very timely too. The Meatrix
  is a well thought-out anti-factory-farming
  campaign. Worth it, if only to see Larry
  Fishburne as a cow.

  >> Ignorant eBay auction <<
  Funny eBay ads: We've all seen them. But they
  seem to be trying a little bit too hard to be
  wacky. This chap manages to amuse because he
  genuinely doesn't give a toss about what he's
  selling. He just wants the money for power tools
  and beer. What a guy.

  >> Steve Ballmer's iPod ad <<
  Dance, Monkeyboy, dance! Steve Ballmer is best
  known as the CEO of Microsoft. But he is also
  renowned for his triumphantly uninhibited cavorting
  at the corporation's conferences. This pleasing
  animation, in the style of Apple's iPod commercials,
  rightly celebrates his simian antics once again. 

  >> Positive Matrix: Revolutions review <<
  The news being that somebody *likes* the new
  Matrix film. Celebrity geek Harry Knowles has
  never been afraid to be uncool. Here he tells
  why he loved Revolutions, but how it would be
  even cooler if it had been Superman fighting
  Lex Luthor. Rock on, Harry.

  >> Worst album covers: the motherlode <<
  There's an email currently doing the rounds with
  a  collection of 'Worst Album Covers Ever'. This
  is where they robbed the images from: A huge
  compilation celebrating the very arse of album art.
  Complete with a 'where are they now' button, it's
  a well worth a 20-minute perusal. 

  >> Oolong is dead; long live Yuebing <<
  Rabbits wearing pastry on their heads, who
  could object? Several months ago, fans were
  saddened by news of the death of Oolong, the
  'head performance' rabbit. Now joy, as owner
  Hironori Akutagawa has acquired a lovely new
  bunny to carry on the tradition. And the cake.


  Results from the 100% Fact Challenge and the
  Reductionist Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  >> Reductionist challenge <<
  Last week we wanted pictures of people reduced
  to the absolute minimum number of elements:

  Then we asked the wonderful 'Spacefish' to
  judge, here are his 3 faves.

  Spacefish scribbled -

  #1 "Elvis - the King of Rock and Roll,
     perfectly captured in three triangles. This
     is a gorgeous portrait of the man. Woo!
     (Or is it?)

  #2 "Patrick Moore - Patrick was one of the
     people to inspire a wealth of challenge
     entries simply because he is utterly fab.
     Pippy lovingly captures him partaking in
     a xylophone recital...

  #3 "Dalek in a paddling pool, wearing a Mexican
     hat - You'd be forgiven for thinking that
     minimalist art is a simple matter. It's not
     - getting a dalek to sit in a paddling pool
     is easy. Finding a sombrero that will rest
     comfortably on his head is not." (Zak McFlimby)

  >> Fact challenge <<

  Two weeks ago we wanted facts, lots of facts:

  We asked B3ta boarder 'Kittywaste' to judge the
  100% Fact challenge:

  Kittywaste writes -

  #1 "Animals can sense it - Top notch animal
     rescue, and you thought they were all fur
     and cuteness." (MissPrism)

  #2 "100% Fact - all too true, and a top
     tattyshopped image too. (gracielou)

  #3 "Millions of trees are planted each year -
     I laughed until I soiled myself (again).

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, B3ta contributor 'Mozza' gave us
  the suggestion, "James Bond Gadgets"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * OLIVER POSTGATE SAYS NO - B3ta's Mr. Fixit,
    Fraser Lewry asked the genius behind Bagpuss,
    Ivor the Engine, Noggin the Nog (and many
    others) if he'd like to be interviewed for
    this newsletter. He turned us down, but in
    a rather sweet way:
    "Thank-you for the invitation but I have been
    careless enough to get old, too old I'm afraid
    to cope even with the simple task you suggest.
    One has so little time left and everything
    takes twice as long as it should.

    "Nowadays I even have to look myself up in my
    autobiography (Seeing Things published by
    Macmillan, second-hand copies from Amazon)
    because my memory is crumbling fast.

    "Don't grow old - it's bad for you.

    "Sorry, Oliver Postgate"

    Aww. We admire the sly plug for his book,

  * MAN Vs. TENNIS RACQUET ON TV - The morning
    after the Halloween bash, LP performed his
    party piece of climbing through a tennis
    racquet on Saturday morning kids' show Dick
    and Dom in da Bungalow. "I was very hung-over
    and wearing a b3ta t-shirt," he tells us.
    Hooray for you LP, a trouper to the last.

    weeks ago we featured a series of things you
    could make explode in your microwave.
    Rollersnakes writes, "I thought I'd try the
    grape experiment and it worked. So me and my
    mate got out a camera and when we did, it
    burned even better than before." Here they go:



  A big, fat thankyou to everyone who donated
  prizes for our Halloween raffle. 

  WORD MAGAZINE for the DVD/books/CDs. They also
  want us to plug their mag - and we don't mind
  coz it's ace and we read it every month. You
  can sub here for £20 instead the usual of £42.

  GBAX for the Backlit GP32 hand held console.
  Oh, and you can buy one here. Get 'em quick
  because there's only about 2000 left in the

  NICEY/THE WIFE for biscuits.

  NTK for the shirts.

  COMPUTER ARTS for lovely subscriptions.

  SKATEATTACK for the remote control helicopter.

  BE-SPOKE for Animal friendly cosmetics.

  ILLEGAL INDUSTRIES for the Bottle of rum.

  ASKJEEVES for the Aerolattes.

  FIZZYMEDIA for DVD and executive marble run.

  NOOKII for games.

  KOMPLETT for JazPiper UBit UB128 MP3/Memory

  >> Extra Thanks <<

  Voodoo Trombone Quartet vest top from Mr & Mrs

  Action game, books and framed pictures from
  Tim Ireland

  Calendar from Steve Martin (Mr Sheep).

  Painting from Richard Tingley.

  Weebl & Bob shirt from Jonti.

  Buffy + Planet of the Apes vids from Rob Manuel.

  Special thanks to Sul & Vic for writing out the
  raffle tickets

  And, of course, thanks to everyone who bought a



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A TRAINED MONKEY - that can do our job.

  * A NEW FORM OF INSULT - we're bored with calling
     people "cunts" and "fuckpuppets"

  * SOMETHING AMAZING - that only you could have
     made. That would be fantastic, thanks.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by gezza, steven shears, couk,
  td_mayhem, neileous, firekitty101, fuzzybunny,
  ash hall, daniel bates, stinkycheeseman, hunta,
  neil mcdonnell, pete donaldson, ollsen, tavwood
  and felis concolor.
  Top Tippery by Annakissed.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the purple b4ta ponces. (71686)


  If your clothes are stained with mildew - and
  whose aren't? - a paste of lemon juice and salt
  rubbed on the fabric can help get them clean
  again. As a side effect, it will also make them
  taste delicious.

  A slightly dull tip this week, perhaps, but at
  least it won't get us into trouble with the
  police when we try it out. Unlike the last
  couple of times.

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