NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 153: "CELEBRITY ALIENS THROUGHOUT HISTORY"
This Week:
* ART - Classical look-a-likes
* TOY - Cursor catcher
* GEEK - Best toy idea ever
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 153 - 01 Oct 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue153/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Look-a-likes, Mad bloke, Cursor thing
>> Classical look-a-likes <<
"I fancied a bit of culture", writes your
ginger-haired web god Rob Manuel, "So me and
the missus popped down the National Gallery.
Frankly, we got bored and spent the afternoon
looking for look-a-likes of famous people.
It's a great game. I challenge you not to
play it the next time you visit a gallery."
Fantastic stuff, suggesting that most
celebrities are in fact 1,000 year-old aliens
who live among us, and pop up at various
points in history.
http://robmanuel.blogspot.com/2004/09/classical-lo...
>> Mad bloke bigs up b3ta <<
There's this bloke who stands in London's
Oxford Circus ranting and raving like a mad
man. B3tard Kirk thought it might be fun
to have a chat with him. Hopefully the
full interview will be coming next week,
but in the meantime here's a sneak preview.
http://www2.b3ta.com/vid/winnerorsinner.wmv
>> Cursor catcher <<
"I made this a while ago", confesses Bastiaan
Might, "and posted it on the messageboard.
Recently it seems to have been getting around
the interweb quite a bit and I came to realize
people rather like it." With good reason. It's
cute.
http://www.militiadesign.com/b3ta/Cursor.html
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: ARGOS WATCH
Web team fights back
Last week we pointed out that typing Chav
into the Argos product finder produces goods
that are a little chavvy.
IdentityProtected writes -
"I work for the Argos Internet Customer Service
team. Yup you should feel sorry for me. However
I would like to point out that a vast percentage
of customer-focused time is lost because we're
too busy looking at b3ta. Also last week we
managed to freak out the entire call centre by
showing pics of spider bites to anyone who came
to our little corner of Argos.
"Anyways just to point out that the reason Chav
comes up with the chains is because the search
engine is arse and only uses the first three
letters of a word to search with. Hence you get
chains and chairs."
Fair enough. And it also explains why searching
for "wank" produces an electronic duelling wand.
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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
Best kids toy ever
Louise Klinker & Anab Jain are students studying
Interaction Design at the Royal College of Art.
They've been asked by Mattel to take part in a
competition to rethink toys based around model
cars.
What they've come up with is genius. It's a demo
mind you - the video is faked - but the idea
damn it - the idea is the coolest idea for a
toys we've seen in yonks.
You need to watch this video. WARNING: It's 13MB
but it streams on broadband.
http://snipurl.com/this_is_too_cool
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Shoddy Presents
Last week we asked for the worst presents you
had ever received:
http://b3ta.com/questions/presents/
Why is it always aunties and grannies?:
#1 Good Girl and Good Boy
"My ageing (and now rotting) gran once gave my
sister and I stockings filled with little toys
and sweets. Unfortunately she managed to get
them muddled up. Not only did I get the "Good
Girl" stocking and my sister the "Good Boy"
one, but my gran had forgotten we were human.
The stockings, containing mini marabones and
jingley toys, were for cats and dogs. Bless.
(Slinkachuu)
#2 Socks and Pants again
"Ever since I was about 10 I've been able to
rely on three certainties: Death, Taxes and
Socks and Pants for Christmas. So I thought
"Why go to Primark and spend a whole English
pound on five pairs of boxers when I will
undoubtably will get a shedload for chrimbo?"
I am a genius. And last christmas I was a
genius going commando. My aunts and my nan
thoughtfully bought me selection boxes.
I don't eat chocolate.
(TheBigFella)
#3 The Garage Sale Queen
"My nana is vaguely crazy, and spends all her
money on the races and furs, leaving nothing
to spend on presents. Instead, she goes to
garage sales, buys random second-hand toys,
puts them in clear plastic bags with a price
tag pilfered from something new. I was always
impressed with her attempts at sneakiness
until the year she bought us all second-hand
underwear: then I was just grossed out.
(pacificprincess1)
Oh, and woo to the South African airlines
Customer Relations manager who gave an 11 year
old the box (and just the box) from a promotional
toy plane as compensation for a 10 hour delay.
B3ta salutes you!
>> This Week's Question <<
What is the strangest thing you've ever been
paid to do? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/strangejobs/
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: FAT PIPE VIDEO CORNER
Fuck the bandwidth, we're on broadband
>> One-legged Dance Dance Revolution <<
Nothing fills us with more joy that seeing the
differently abled excel at stuff we're shit
at. This video is inspirational, funny, and
probably will end up as a TV ad.
http://giantmonster.com/movies/oneleggeddancer.htm...
>> Fucking awesome plane crash <<
How do you prepare for someone crashing a
plane into your nuclear power station? If you're
the US military you smash an actual jet into
a similar wall. Almost as entertaining as
watching the fighter get pulverised in slow
motion, is seeing the 9/11 conspiracy theorists
crawl out of the woodwork to comment.
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/concreteplane.htm...
>> Carl Lewis <<
Through the 80s and 90s, athlete Carl Lewis
seemed unbeatable - the consumate athlete
perfect at everything he tried. Critics,
however, might suggest he lacked the ability
to laugh at himself and expected everybody to
take him seriously. No-one who's seen this stab
at a music video could accuse him of that though.
http://www.carllewis.com/video.music.1.html
>> Festive warfare vid <<
This is an amazing recreation of an air raid,
made, mostly, with bits of Christmas decoration.
The realistic soundtrack makes the result
exciting, but still oddly cheerful.
http://eatpes.com/kaboom.html
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Sinatra sings post-9/11 <<
Old Blue Eyes croons his way through a little
number about terrorism - or is it racial
profiling? Great tune, wherever its politics
actually lie.
http://www.beecy.net/frank/
>> Best Flash intro ever <<
This extraordinarily bombastic spot for David
Hasselhoff's fansite seems to suggest that being
a Hasselfan is an extreme experience, akin to
taking a shed-load of powerful drugs. We can't
say we disagree.
http://www.davidhasselhoffonline.com/
>> Mass pillow-fight <<
We love the idea of this: pillowy violence
breaking out in the city of London. Let's hope
it doesn't get out of hand and the police have
to turn up with riot cushions.
http://www.mobile-clubbing.com/pillow.html
>> Kabbalah for Dummies <<
Everyone's talking about Kabbalah, the
bible-analysing trend that's perplexing deep
thinkers like Britney Spears and David Beckham.
Now you can give it a try yourself - or something
a bit similar. This page analyses the patterns of
words and letters on a site and tells you whether
the result is good or evil.
http://homokaasu.org/gematriculator/
>> How to bag a brain <<
Just in case you ever need to ship your brain
across country, Columbia University has provided
rather helpful instructions. Don't come crying
to them when your Frankenstein creation runs amok.
http://www.nybb.hs.columbia.edu/pathologist.htm
>> Dodgy old book covers <<
Ah, how we yearn for the kinder, gentler times these
over-heated book covers hark back to. You do have
to wonder who'd be titillated by pulp titles
like 'Matador of Shame.' Judging by the vintage,
possibly your granddad. Now there is a thought.
http://community.middlebury.edu/%7Emobrien/covers/
>> Body of art <<
This is the kind of art that we like. Naked people
painted up to make pretty pictures. We love the
chest hair on the portrait of Elvis. Oh, and the
wanking hands. Always love the wanking hands.
http://www.alisonholland.com/dunbarchiappin.htm
>> Funny porn titles <<
We don't know much about porn Well, okay, perhaps
we're not fooling anybody there. But this chap clearly
knows loads more and he's put together a list of
the worst-ever actual titles for your non-viewing
delight. Moulin Splooge, Anal Chiropractor, it's
all there.
http://members.shaw.ca/stayasyouare/tohwpmt.html
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: SEX TIPS FOR B3TARDS
Porn bread
You can't really be disappointed by a site that
promises 'vagina Danish'. Although this wasn't
quite what we'd had in mind. Still, we managed
to crack one out.
http://www.porn-bread.com/vagina.htm
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: BIT TORRENT TV
Stuff we've watched this week
>> Lost <<
David Fury, part of the team behind both Angel
and Buffy has come up with a fantastic new
series called Lost, telling the story of what
happens to a group of survivors after a plane
crash. We've seen the first epiosde and think
it rocks - the suspense is incredible and the
Hollywood style production values kick arse.
>> Arrested Development <<
A sitcom loosely inspired by The Royal
Tenenbaums. A great ensemble cast, gloriously
unsympathetic characters and the time to let
the absurd plot properly brew make this a far
more entertaining prospect than the film.
>> Smallville <<
Hardly an off-beat choice, but the new season
has just started in the US. Part of the charm of
this series is the way it delicately foreshadows
tragic changes in the future life of Clark Kent.
But with this run featuring the S symbol and
introducing Lois Lane, it might be the final one.
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: TOP TIPS TESTED
Mobile phone controversy
Last week we gave you a tip claiming that
wrapping your phone in foil would increase
the signal.
The debate raged fiercely and comments include -
* It works by fooling the phone into thinking
the signal is weaker than it actually is
and upping its sensitivity. (Freef)
* I'm a mobile handset engineer. It's
complete bollocks. (Dr Shambolic)
* I tried it. It works. Here are pics (Meak)
http://www.fuggled.co.uk/Phone/phone.htm
Hmm. We remain unconvinced. You haven't faked
these photos, have you Meak? Like the moon landings?
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: HUMAN ZOO
QPR manager Ian Holloway
We watched with mouths open as this footy
manager digs himself deeper and deeper with
his sexist analogy for his team's poor
performance.
The guy is a star. We say get him out of the
ghetto of football and give him his own show.
Or at least as a regular guest on Buzzcocks,
Grumpy Old Men, etc.
http://www.boreme.com/bm/OCT03/a/m_football_interv...
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Weebl, Tits & Star Wars
>> Weebl writes evil song <<
Several months back Cadbury's contacted
Rob & Jonti about doing some stuff for their
site. This was the result. They weren't that
keen, but Jonti likes it so he's shoving it
out anyway. It will rot your brain but not
your teeth. Huzzah.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/47/
>> Wobbling tits <<
"Behold my Small And Animated Boobs", intones
Vord, "Recently I happened upon some bloke's
'images' directory and therein found two or
three of these small and animated boob files.
Naturally i went on a hunt for more." Blimey,
we found some cheap sniggers here. NOTE TO
TEAM: tits are funny.
http://vord.rsc.cx/img/boobs/
>> Star Wars skit <<
Koit is a bit of a B3ta star these days. The
creator of "cunt cunt cunt fucking cunt cunt"
has tapped into the current mania for all
things Star Wars related and reminded us
of the worst bit of being at school.
http://www.koit.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/join.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Boris Johnson' Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us the world of
Boris Johnson:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/borisjohnson/
We asked Boris himself to judge the challenge,
but unfortunately he declined. Luckily, B3ta
boarder new_matt stepped in to do the job.
new_matt writes -
#1 "Oh Boris, not again - A late entry, but
after wading through 40-odd pages of pictures,
exactly what I needed to see (which probably
says something deeply meaningful about
something). Hats off! (DarrynR)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3770294
#2 "X Ray - Mr or Mrs Duphrates produced a
couple of absolute belters this week, but
this was my favourite. And having lived through
the Thatcher years, it's came as a pleasant
surprise to see she really did have a heart
after all. Three cheers! (Duphrates)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3765685
#3 "Boris for PM - There were a few cartoony
ones this week, but this one is beautifully
done and just plain lovely. Oh, and the milk
bottle made me chuckle. That was the clincher.
Gold star! (Threepwood)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3754940
I really didn't want to do a special mention, I
fought against it, I agonised over it, I sweated,
but then I got drunk with power. God knows what
this is all about, but it was nicely done and
just odd enough. Pat on the back!
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3751961
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the Challenge Dictator said we should
stick cheese in our ears and mishear some lyrics.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/misheardlyrics/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TARD ADOPTS DEAF CAT - "I read your 'adopt
Britain's saddest pet' article with interest",
purrs amaryllis, "Unfortunately, living outside
of London, I was unable to adopt Pirate, the
one-eyed cat. However, I got in touch with
Brighton's city cat shelter and am now the
very proud adoptive mother of Frank, the
deaf white fluffy cat with the rather
loud miaow."
http//www.sketchyanimation.com/b3ta/frank.jpeg
http://www.citycatshelter.com
* STUPID NAME AMAZON EXTRAS - "With regards to
your Amazon list of names (Newsletter 152)",
barks Neilo Winton, "The guy called Norman
Conquest taught my partner at Perth Academy.
Unfortunately he taught Chemistry, but
his dog was called HASTINGS (honest!)."
Fantastic stuff. We've updated the list with
the many suggestions that came pouring in.
http://snurl.com/martin_wank_and_co/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SCIENTOLOGISTS VERSUS FURRIES - who would win
out of these farcical groups in a battle to
the death?
* A FORTY-FOOT-TALL ARMOURED ROBOTIC
KILLING MACHINE - that's a special request
from b3ta regular Tomsk. We says, "That's what
I'd like to see anyway. It'd be awesome."
* TONY BLAIR HEART-OP GAME - remake the classic
operation 'buzzt' game. If you like.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by r.fowden, keith.waddell
trianstarcraft, nick.delaney,
simon.goldman, kakihara_the_masochist,
thechrismurphy, dan_nobleuk,
patrick, Fraser, spanishcatfish,
tk/nunchaku, mikebaja, p__bremner & addey.
Top Tippery by tree sap.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the light-footed b4ta bummers.
(78538)
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TOP TIP:
Got tree sap in your hair? Massage your
sticky locks with peanut butter and shampoo.
Works like a charm and leaves you smelling
nutty fresh.
