NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 156: "CRAP TAGS"
This Week:
* GRAFFITI - Crap tags named and shamed
* HAMSTERS - With hats, at last
* CRAIG MINIPOP - Women more difficult than men
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 156 - 29 Oct 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue156/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Hats, stickers, zombies, hidden pictures
>> Hamster hats <<
Hamsters are lovely cute little creatures, but
they aren't known for getting into the spirit
of the season. Heather Stargazy decided to help
hers out and so knitted them these tiny
Halloween hats. Woooo. It's like an anthropomorphic
Badly Drawn Boy.
http://www.stargazy.org/hamstersinhats/
>> Halloween cactus <<
"I just did another cactus thing for Halloween",
pricks Mushybees, "it's a bit ropey." Bollocks!
We've always got room for a rude cactus.
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/dirty.sanchez/cack04....
>> Anti graffiti stickers <<
Our favourite ever bit of graffiti was spied
on a trip to Oxford. We'd popped into a pub toilet
for a crafty shit and noticed a poem on the
wall. The best bit? Some know-it-all had daubed
detailed literary criticism down the side. But
not all graffiti is so great. Check Sir Sand
Goblin's sarcastic stickers, which he's been
adhering to the crap tagging he's spotted about
town. Maybe you want to try this in your city.
http://www.lemony.co.uk/tmp/ssg.htm
>> Join the zombies <<
Twiddling your thumbs this Saturday afternoon? Sgt
Thunder-Zombie invites you on a little jaunt
around London town - but you must come dressed
as the undead. He gurgles, "We are but lifeless
corpses rotting in the earth. However as a special
celebration of Halloween we are intending to rise
from the grave and feed off the flesh of the
living. And drink some ales." This starts at 2pm,
so you'd better get creative with some ketchup
and marker pens if you want to join in.
http://burneverything.org.uk/crawlofthedead/
>> Hidden pics <<
From those pictures of candles that turn into
faces to the Where's Wally books, there's been
a long history of hiding images within other
illustrations. And now? Tweaknik has been updating
it for the photoshopping age. Some are easier to
spot than others, and, if there's any publishers
out there, we think this could be the start of
a nice little book.
http://www.coolbubble.com/features/hiddenpictures/
-------------------------------------------------
: THAT'S LIFE CORNER
Gosh - it looks like a penis
How much would you pay for a potato shaped
exactly like a cock-and-balls? That's obviously
a question UglyBob has given consideration to,
and so he's put this... gifted vegetable up for
sale on eBay. Snap it up now.
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll
-------------------------------------------------
: BOOK OF THE MONTH
Minipops Book
Craig Robinson is a web god. He makes those
lovely little pixely drawings of popstars. We've
been singing his praises for years: from
interviewing him on the site to linking to his
work in the newsletter.
And now? He's compiled all his Minipops into
a book for you to have and hold in your hairy
palm.
We caught up with him to ask about his
publishing empire.
B3ta: What was the first Minipop you drew?
Craig: This is something that I feel a bit guilty
about, cos in every interview, I always say The
Beach Boys. This is true, but it's false, too.
I recently found a drawing of a bloke in a
brown suit that is dated before the Beach Boys,
but is Minipop in style. So, I guess the very
first one was an anonymous bloke.
B3ta: Which Minipop gave you the most difficulty
to draw?
Craig: I can't think of any specifics, but there
are several things that create difficulty:
1. People with beards and glasses, 'cos putting
both in makes them look like they are gurning.
2. Anonymous indie bands. It may well be "about
the music" but no one recognises four random
students.
3. Women. Always more difficult than men. Legs
that are one pixel wide look like they're too
skinny (like Mrs Beckham); two pixels wide and
they look a bit chunky.
B3ta: Have you been recognised in the street?
Craig: Only as a potential target for those
people who try to make you sign up for
Greenpeace.
B3ta: We noticed your artwork for the Observer
Music Monthly. Er.. can you say something about
this?
Craig: It was, in every way, the best paid work
I've ever done. The final result was really
pleasing, and the exposure it got was great. I got
to see something that I DREW in Photoshop
suddenly a few feet tall at tube stations, and
sneakily observe people looking at them. As for
the artwork itself, it took a week or so to
get to the final template figure correct. Once
that was done it was a matter of hours of
Google research.
B3ta: Why should b3ta readers buy your book?
Craig: Because Billy (my cocker spaniel) likes
Royal Canin dog food, which isn't cheap.
>> Pluggity plug <<
Craig's book reads as both Art and a quiz. Leaf
through the pages, spot the stars, and if you get
stuck? The answers are at the back. An ideal
Christmas present for both music obsessives and
graphics nerds.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/184533029...
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1845330293/...
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Squelchy kissy kissy stuff
Last week we asked for your nightmare date
stories. Read them if you dare:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dating/
Here's some indication of the range of sexual
inadequacy amongst our readers:
#1 Semi-conscious Groping
"Asked a cute girl out, Natalie, when I was
16 and she invited me over. Shit-faced I
ran upstairs to her bathroom, sprayed purple
vomit absolutely everywhere and collapsed in
a heap. Semi-conscious, unable to open my
eyes, I hear the soothing sound of my
girlfriend-to-be and her gentle, tender hands
help me up, into the spare room and undress me.
Without stopping to focus, I turn round and
ram my tongue down her throat for a good 10
seconds or so before she breaks off, saying
"No." Undeterred, I squeeze her arse for a
bit and then go for her norks before my hands
are patiently removed. Defeated, I give up and
lie back and open my eyes. The last thing I
see is Natalie's Mum turning out the lights."
(Gauge)
#2 Out of my depth
"Late one night the conversation with a girl
I'd met started getting a bit steamy and she
jumped in a cab to come over to my place.
She'd brought a massive sports bag with her...
I have never seen such a nasty collection of
whips, paddles, old slippers and shoes. I was
really scared; she wanted me to "punish" her
for being a "bad little girl". She then showed
me her thighs and a backside almost mutilated
from serial S&M torture. She pointed to the
worst scar and said "I even paid for that one
honey!". That was 6 years ago but the memory of
it still makes me shudder." (sunfly)
#3 Phlegm
"It was going fine right up to the point
where I went to kiss her, sneezed, and snotted
large, arcing chains of greasy mucus down her
cheek, ear, hair and into the furry collar of
her jacket. I then threw up at her feet.
Presumably splashing her shoes, but I don't
know because I was too busy drunkenly
running away."
(Rushy)
We'd also like to congratulate 'Chance1234' who,
on meeting a girl's diplomat father, managed to
blurt the line, "Ah, Ambassador, with your
daughter you are really spoiling us."
>> This Week's Question <<
What have you done recently that made you feel old?
http://b3ta.com/questions/feelingold/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Radio Chicken Fisting <<
We love practical jokes. We love it even more
when they backfire horribly. Some wag in
Winchester FM's newsroom wrote a story about
fisting chickens for a laugh. But it actually got
to air without being spotted. You will chuckle.
http://www.simonhardwick.com/randoms/chicken.mp3
>> Freeganism <<
Here's a challenge for you: check out this web
site extolling the joys of the 'Freegan'
lifestyle: a Womblist philosophy where you
survive using only the food and stuff that's
thrown away. Try to follow their rules for
a week. Report back to us. No, we haven't
figured out how they power their site either.
http://freegan.info/
>> Bizarre One-handed Keyboard <<
This is a brilliant invention. It's clearly
intended for people who only have one arm, but we
can think of absolutely loads of situations in
which it'd be useful to have a free hand...
http://snipurl.com/a5cc
>> Telepathic Tennis <<
Mindball is the ultimate game for lazy people.
You win by being more relaxed than your opponent.
It's probably unique in being a competitive
pastime where recreational drugs actually give
you the edge.
http://www.mindball.se/index.aspx
>> Kill Someone Else's Television <<
TVs are everywhere, and it's going to get worse
now we can automatically filter out adverts at
home with TiVos and the like. Happily, the
inventors of TV-B-Gone have addressed this
problem with their gadget: it turns off any telly
with a single button. It'd be great for settling
those rows about who gets the remote control too.
http://www.tvbgone.com/index.htm
>> Non-porn porn <<
Don't be deceived by first appearances on this
clever little site. Click the dodgy looking
thumbnails, go on. The 'Celebrities' section is
especially good.
http://www.galumpia.co.uk/adult/adult_2.htm
>> I Love Eggs <<
We'd never really thought about it before, but
eggs are brilliant. If you don't believe us,
check out this video and song, and we think
you'll be convinced. These guys really love
their eggs.
http://snipurl.com/a5c9
>> Drinking-Strawigami <<
There really mustn't be much to do of an evening
in the part of Brazil that this guy lives in.
It's remarkable what you can achieve with a few
plastic drinking straws and a little patience.
Pretty.
http://snipurl.com/a5bq
-------------------------------------------------
: SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Hypoallergenic cat
We can't imagine anything worse than being
allergic to cats - it'd be like having an
allergy to life itself. However, help is at
hand for sufferers. Boffins are busy meddling
with nature to create a moggy that won't
provoke an allergic reaction, and the first
kittens are due in 2007. A snip at just $3500.
BTW: When people claim they're allergic to
cat fur, what they mean is that they're allergic
to cat urine, cat skin or cat saliva that's
become airborne by being secreted on the fur.
http://www.allerca.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Funny Face Tiger Cub
One day this little tyke will be a
bloodthirsty killing machine, but for now
he's just cute. The look on his face as he
watches his mum head out to slaughter women
and children is priceless.
http://www.flowon.co.uk/tiger1.jpg
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: BIT TORRENT TV
Stuff we've watched this week
>> New South Park <<
South Park has returned to the world after a
summer break with the apposite Douche and Turd,
drawing the entertaining parallel of voting for
Bush & Kerry to being like voting between a turd
sandwich and a big douche. Ignore South Park
at your peril. It's still brilliant.
http://www.btefnet.com/index.php
>> Battlestar Galactica <<
We never watched the original 1970s sci-fi
series, but we read a lot of waffle on the
net from excitable nerds worrying that the
re-make would be crap. It's not. It's a
compelling, dramatic and pacey bit of modern
sci-fi. We suggest buying the mini series on
DVD, then downloading the two new episodes
from your favourite torrent site.
http://www.suprnova.org/
>> Power of Nightmares Pt 2 <<
The second episode of the BBC documentary The
Power Of Nightmares is now on Bit Torrent. It
tells the story of how the American right wing
armed Osama and friends in Afghanistan. A CIA
operative is interviewed. "They gave me a bunch
of Stinger missiles and a billion dollars and
let me get on with it," he says, looking like a
man who enjoyed his job.
http://www.uknova.com/details.php
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Lawnmower, history, omelettes, diarrhoea, music
>> When lawnmowers dream... <<
...they dream of flying. This is a strangely
moving bit of film. Rob and Dave saw
the footage on the web, but thought it was
crying out for a new soundtrack. Et voila!
http://www2.b3ta.com/vid/lawnmowerdreams.swf
>> Weebl & Bob through history <<
Jonti has been working like a deranged beaver,
making new Weebl & Bob. This latest is the
first part of an enormous mini-series documenting
the entire history of the world through our
favourite egg-shaped duo. Look out for part
two tomorrow and some more next week, after
he's had a bit of a rest.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/history1.htm
>> Nice day for an omelette <<
Alan Parley is a self-styled 'lazy Scottish oaf'
who likes nothing better than to sit around,
singing and eating eggs. Enjoy his inspiration
and his muse for yourself in this catchy, short
music video.
http://www.alanparley.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/sunnysi...
>> Cat-shit shenanigans <<
Repetition is the secret of comedy. Therefore
we're big fans of Chris Shaw's Viz-style comic
strip, following the adventures of Keith, a
cat whose owner will only feed him prunes.
http://keiththecat.blogspot.com/2004/10/episodes-1...
>> Brit-kids sing weird shit <<
1991 was the year of preteen psychedelic band
Rocks & Minerals. Singer Barry recalls, "We
only played a few gigs (I say gigs, I mean
school concerts in front of hundreds of
bewildered parents), but in that time I like to
think we amassed something of a reputation.
That's the trouble when you have songs such as
'Photocopy a Light Switch' in your repertoire."
With the discovery of these rare archive tracks,
now's your chance to check them out too. Oddly
affecting, like a 10 year old Syd Barrett.
http://www.rocksandminerals.co.uk
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Movie Title Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to change the meaning
of a movie title by adding one word:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/filmtitles/
We asked B3ta boarder 'boyx' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
boyx writes -
#1 "Kubrick's Masterpiece - This was done
really well and literally had us laughing out
loud. Been practicing looking like him for
the office Xmas party. (damocles)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3856624
#2 "What 'ave we 'ere? - The first entry and
one of the best did cause us to spend endless
time in the pub impersonating him. Now then
now then. (chobb)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3856781
#3 "Here's one... wait for it! - Page 122, I
thought I'd seen them all. It was getting
desperate on the entry front, then along
came this little gem, snot exploded from my
nose as it popped up" (Zaphod's Wombat)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3874328
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, The Challenge Dictator returned
and asked us to 'Photoshop Something That
Makes You Happy'
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/happy/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TA FAME ACADEMY GRADUATE - Tedious writes,
"Just when I thought the Preparing for
Emergencies thing I did had died down, out
of nowhere Rory Bremner emailed me, and I got
the job of making a Flash animation for
Channel 4's Bremner, Bird and Fortune. It'll
be on their show sometime this Sunday between
8 and 9. So thanks for all the various links
and plugs over the past two years that have
made all this possible; I think b3ta may
well have changed my life." Woo-hoo. Good luck,
son.
* PRIVATE EYE - the Mystery Bob / Kilroy story
rumbles on in the press with a UK political
satire magazine commenting, "Tony Bennett
modestly omits to mention his own record of
offensive behaviour. In 2002 he was hauled
before a UKIP tribunal and banned from holding
any party office for two years after writing
a pamphlet describing the prophet Mohammed as
a paedophile. In the same year he was sentenced
to 50 hours community service for stealing 29
metric road signs and daubing others with
black paint. The judge denounced him as a
'vandal' and 'vigilante' who had 'lied at the
scene of the crime and lied to me'. What better
qualification could anyone have for acting as
Kilroy's enforcer?" Sounds like a nice chap.
* OLIVER POSTGATE IS EVIL? - Alan Cribb writes,
"You mention that you want to interview Oliver
Postgate. Well, the man threatened to sue me
for writing a marriage proposal to my (now ex)
wife using the Bagpuss characters. The weasel
kept my script, kept my brand new TDK C90 tape
and sent a very snotty letter."
* MORE STUPID NAMES - mr_wicksy writes, "Re:
Schindler's Lifts... Apparently, the Otis
(escalator company) offices are in Reading."
Boom. Boom.
* NAUGHTY DAILY MAIL - they really shouldn't
be nicking feature ideas from your ginger
fuhrer's blog without crediting. Listen up
newspaper people, please credit when
appropriate.
http://www.mysteryaction.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/b3ta...
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Nucleus
"We laughed as we heard of people breaking
their machines through the frustration of
playing our Reverse game", sniggers Dlevitt,
"so we decided to create another one. It is
called Nucleus
"The first 3 levels are pants but it gets a lot
better and more frustrating later."
Another game that will waste away your lunch
hour, these guys are making smart stuff. Play it.
http://www.scenta.co.uk/nucleus
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* CALLING 0800 587 6587 - to ask to join the UK
Independence Party. Insist on paying in
Euros. Hold phone receiver at arm's length to
safeguard your hearing.
* DESK RULER ORGAN - make a musical device
based upon flicking a plastic ruler on
a table. Boing. Boing. Boing.
* INVISIBLE USB DRIVE - all these novelty
sushi / duck drives are well and good,
but we want one that inserts flat against
the PC case so that you can't damage it
with your foot. Bollocks. There goes
another £50.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel and
David Stevenson with Tomsk, Fraser Lewry, and
Neil Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by Scaryduck, and lots of others
who we'll thank next week.
Top Tippery by daveyt.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the "oh fuck they've found us"
b4ta hobbits. (79034)
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Written on the whiteboard using permanent
marker? Quickly scribble over the offending
area with non-permanent marker and you can
rub it off with a tissue.
