NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 155: "BOLIVIAN HEAD MAGGOTS"
This Week:
* PARASITE - Bolivian Head Maggots
* STORIES - "I Was Out of My Depth"
* VID - Sellotape vs Cat
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 155 - 22 Aug 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue155/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Maggots, Spendy and Mount Rushmore
>> Bolivian head maggots <<
"My housemate got back from Bolivia about a
month ago," squawks Jacko_Here, "and he's
harbouring blowfly maggots in his head."
Cripes. This video footage is like a low-budget
horror movie, with the added bonus of frightened
men swearing.
http://www2.b3ta.com/vid/headming.AVI
>> Amazon spendy things <<
Last week we asked you to build an 'I'm Feeling
Spendy' service using the Amazon API to
automatically select random goods. And you did.
B3ta regulars Thomas Scott and MikkyX both came
up with different variations on the theme. The
next logical step will be a service that actually
delivers the goods without the customer ever
knowing what they've ordered until the package
arrives.
http://www.thomasscott.net/spendy/
http://spendy.player-one.co.uk/
>> Singing Mount Rushmore <<
We've never been impressed by Mount Rushmore
and now we know why. Elbonio has turned the
monument into a rather camp barbershop quartet
singing 'If You Go Down To The Woods Today'
and it's just what it needed.
http://www.parachutingtrees.co.uk/rushmore.htm
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
"I was completely out of my depth"
Last week we wanted you to tell us all about
the times you'd been utterly out of your depth:
http://b3ta.com/questions/outofmydepth/
Here are some edited highlights:
#1 How Not to Speak German
"I'm walking along the beach when a German
couple ask me for directions. I'd just done a
German at school. Like Clint Eastwood in "Firefox"
I heard a little voice telling me to "think in
German". I can remember this magical feeling of
grammatically correct German forming itself in
my mind. I wasn't translating, oh no, the
*actual fricking German* was there, in my head,
just waiting to be spoken. It was an epiphany.
Until I opened my mouth. I gave them directions
in English, but delivered in the worst mock-German
SS commandant accent you've ever heard."
(LordElph)
#2 The Secret Door
"One of the first things I do when moving to a
new house is go into the loft and check for any
forgotten treasure and dead rats. One time I
was crawling around and found another trap door!
I got very excited with thoughts of a secret room
full of stuff I could have. I couldn't open it
and assumed it had been nailed down so I got
me a crowbar and with lots of grunting and
splintering wood managed to crack it open,
only to see my neighbours staring up at me
from their bedroom."
(pobblepop)
#3 Lying in Israel
"I'm a Newcastle United fan and I knew another
fan, Motti, who lived in Israel, via IRC. The
security for Israeli airlines is a tad tighter
than your usual and the check-in at Eilat had
difficulty understanding why I was flying 200
miles to watch a football match on television.
After the game, I tell the story of how hard
it was to persuade them to let me fly. "Oh,
just tell her you're my cousin, they'll
understand that" says Motti. Genius plan.
And so the following scene unfolds at Haifa
airport:
"Why did you fly up here?"
"To visit my cousin."
"What's his name?"
"Motti."
"And his surname?"
"..."
30 seconds later, I'm sitting in a cupboard
with a guy with a submachine gun standing
over me."
(Captcheese)
>> This Week's Question <<
What's the worst date you've been on? Perhaps
B3ta can fix you up with similarly traumatised
people...
http://b3ta.com/questions/dating/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Sellotape vs cat <<
Back in the 80s we had a lovely ginger cat
called Parsley, and in a fit of pre-teen
experimentation we stuck some sellotape to
his fur. He walked backwards. We'd entirely
forgotten this phenomenon until watching
this video. It's kinda wrong - but don't
tell us you don't want to see if your cat
does the same.
http://snipurl.com/9xi4
>> Drugs <<
Maybe we're old, but we've lost track of the
drug laws in the UK. Both hallucinogens and
cannabis sweets are openly sold in shops
in London. Pity those abroad who get all
their lovely drugs impounded. Actually, the
interesting bit here is the lengths people
go to in order to disguise their stash.
http://snipurl.com/8opx
>> Sickening propaganda <<
As much as we'd all like Kerry to win, he's a
political lightweight dancing to Bush's
neoconservative agenda. And Bush isn't afraid
to use emotional blackmail to win votes. Kerry
doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell
against this mighty propaganda army. Pass the
sick-bucket - we're moving to the moon.
http://www.ashleysstory.com/
>> Movie Photoshops <<
Sometimes we see a Photoshop challenge and think,
"Pissflaps. Wish we'd run that on B3ta." Here's
such a one - the genius concept of replacing
the title of a film with what you see on the
poster. You'll be playing it yourself the next
time you notice a billboard in town.
http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php
>> Hedgehog advert <<
Stuff we know about hedgehogs: Feeding them
milk and bread can cause potentially fatal
diarrhea, and they're dinner to both the gypsy
and the badger. Think on that whilst enjoying
this amusing advert selling a cleaning
product.
http://www.jhprod.com/Spontex_Eng_480x360.shtml
>> eBay wedding auction <<
eBay is never out of the papers at the moment.
This auction of a wedding invite gave us a few
smiles with its description of the bride being
"a dog." Can't help wonder if the marketing
team are sitting there thinking up crap to
give the tabloids what they want. But then again,
as the world is quite mad, it's probably
unnecessary to it.
http://snipurl.com/9w41
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: THE FEATURE THAT WILL NEVER DIE
despite us bundling it into a weighted sack
Yes, it's more vaguely silly names:
>> Dr Candadi Sukumar <<
More of a question than a name, we salute Dr
Sukumar's parents for having the foresight to
give their baby a name guaranteed to amuse his
students for years to come. He's at the very
bottom of the list, under "Physics".
http://www.wadham.ox.ac.uk/admissions/subjects
>> Schindler's Lift <<
This has been causing us to snigger in the back
of the elevator for some time now.
http://www.schindler.co.za/jnb/webjnben.nsf/pages/...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Tiny, wee monkey and baby foxes
We all know that small means cute, so the
smallest monkey in the world must be the
cutest, right? Too bloody right. This Pygmy
Marmoset is simply gorgeous and gives
hamsters a run for their money any day.
http://www.rarespecies.org/pmarmo02.jpg
Coming a close second this week are five
baby foxlets with seemingly no fear of the
camera. There's a whole album of photos here,
but this one of the little troopers lined
up waiting for mum to come home just melts
our cynical, street-hardened hearts.
http://www.whisperwood.net/pages/cf/cf12.html
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: BIT TORRENT STUFF
Media we've consumed this week
>> The Power of Nightmares <<
Fans of Outfoxed and Fahrenheit 9/11 need to
see this powerful three-part BBC documentary on
how Al Qaida was an invention of the American
government. Powerful, controversial and
thought-provoking stuff, presenting the argument
that engendering fear of terrorism is key
to Bush's strategy of directing world events.
Currently episode one is available on a torrent,
but it's episode three that really impresses.
Watch out for them over the coming weeks.
http://www.suprnova.org/
>> Trumpton Riots <<
Oliver Postage is the animation genius behind
1970s kids' TV hits The Clangers & Bagpuss.
We've tried to interview him a couple of times,
and he always says he's far too old for such
things. The next best thing would be to listen
to this 1995 BBC radio documentary series on
old kids' telly. It's a delight from beginning
to end.
http://www.uknova.com/
>> Another 5 numbers <<
We're big fans of popular at B3ta. Popular
science, popular history and even popular maths.
We can't be doing with all that schooly lectury
stuff - we like informative stuff dressed
up as entertainment. This 5 part radio series
from Simon Singh (author of the highly-recommended
The Code Book) explores famous numbers. From
74% - the maximum volumed filled if you fill
a box with balls, to some unimaginably big
prime number which would take up too much
space to type out here. Great stuff if you're
feeling geeky. BTW: You can stream the shows
from the BBC site, or grab MP3s from UKnova.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/science/another5.shtml
BTW: In case you're wondering why we're bigging
up audio stuff this week, it's because we
bought a rather lovely PDA which can play MP3s.
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: HUMAN ZOO
Mad stalker
From open day at Bedlam to John's Not Mad, the
tapped have been providing us with entertainment
since, well, when God begat time. Check this
young lady and her one-sided obsession with
an actor who never replies to her posts.
BTW: Please refrain from joining in on her
forum - observing without participation is
the game here.
http://snipurl.com/a0vx
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Monkeys, Parrots and Students
>> Monkey DJ <<
The very talented Cheekybeef has done a cute
animation for a track off of the new Hexstatic
album. It features a monkey DJ, a dancing
Atari 800 and a Casio VL Tone. If we weren't
so terrified of drugs we'd be be getting right
on it to this. We expect.
http://www.cheekybeef.co.uk/hexstatic/virata.html
>> Parrot animation <<
Everybody did it as kids - creating an animation
by drawing on both sides of a piece of cardboard,
attaching it to a stick, then twizzling it round
between your fingers. No? Oh well, Pippy's updated
web version will explain all.
http://pip.rubberfeet.org/stuff/flip.html
>> Student time-wasters <<
"Everyone knows that students spend their time
drinking lager laced with tabasco and speed-eating
cream crackers," opines Monkin, "but we've
combined this age-old tradition with the TV
show 'Banzai' to bring it into the 21st century."
Remember, kids - these people are our future leaders.
http://homepage.mac.com/mdonkin/.Movies/06.mp4
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the "Why I can't sleep" Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us what keeps
you awake at night:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/cantsleep/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Stick Figure Ninja' to
judge the entries - here are her 3 faves.
Stick Figure Ninja writes -
#1 "Rackapie baby - An easy winner, the
surprised look on the kid's face is priceless.
Old school slapstick + cats = comedy gold.
(JollyJack)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3831030
#2 "Charlie - This makes absolutely no sense but
it's superbly executed. Even though it scares
me slightly, it also makes me laugh like a
burst lorry. (chobb)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3831182
#3 "Dido - Beau Bo d'Or's wit shines through
again, this time with a dig at some of the
blandest, crappest and most irritating music
known to man." (Beau Bo d'Or)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/3837886
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor 'don't tell him Pike'
gave us the suggestion, "Add one word to film
titles"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/filmtitles/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ART-A-LIKES IN UK PRESS - now, we don't
normally mention every time something
from the newsletter ends up in the papers,
but even we were surprised to see your
ginger fuhrer's blog taking up the entirety
of page 3 of the Metro, complete with a
box-out on the front page. Oh, we also
liked the mention in The Times that said,
"Rob Manuel knows how to show someone
a good time."
http://www.members.lycos.co.uk/benjaimon/Pictures/...
* MORE RUMBLES FROM KILROY - Mystery Bob's
bit of agit-prop has turned up in the
Guardian with Kilroy's representative climbing
down from the libel threat to a "lodge a
complaint with the internet service provider."
http://snipurl.com/a0wl
* SQUIRREL GETS BIGGER - fans of Hairy Midget's
orphan tree rat will enjoy this video
update. He's looking healthy and happy. We
hope that other caring b3tards can take in
unusual pets, 'coz we're soppy and like this
sort of thing.
http://www.zyk0tik.com/Charley.wmv
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: FRIDAY GAME
Find Hitler
Hitler is a man of mystery. Despite being the
most infamous bloke the 20th century produced,
there's still debate over the basic biographical
details of whether he was gay or Jewish.
We're pitching a show to C5 called "Was
Hitler an adult baby?" but before that
enjoy these Where's Wally-style Photoshop
shenanigans.
http://alexanderband.1go.dk/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* UPLOAD A PICTURE OF A STAMP - to the Queen's
personal IMDB page. It'll cost you a few
dollars but it would make us laugh. And
that's the important bit.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0703070/
* BORIS JOHNSON PUBLISHING EDITORIAL - on
why the Zeebrugge disaster was caused by
drunk Scots all rushing starboard when
they heard someone had dropped 50 pence.
* IT'S HALF TERM TIME FOR SCHOOLS - Dress
up as Prince Harry and go around being nice
to people - see if you can fool them into
believing you are him.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson, Mike Trinder, Fraser Lewry,
Robert Tinsley and Jen Payne.
Links sent in by numerous lovely and talented
people who we'll thank individually when we can
find the big namey list with their names on it.
Top Tippery by Dr Sian Knight
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the prancing b4ta ponies. (79208)
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TOP TIP:
Next time you get a big bunch of flowers, stand
them in lemonade instead of water. The sugar in
the fizzy drink will make the blooms last longer.
