NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 162: "PLAY THE MUSIC QUIZ. ELSE WE'LL SET FIRE TO YOUR SHOES"
This Week:
* MUSIC - Infinite music quiz
* PRIZES - Signed Weebl DVDs
* CATS - Can you find the "vet wanks cat" vid?
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta email 162 - 10 Dec 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue162/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Pop Quiz, Wine Experiments, Benches
>> Infinite music quiz <<
Chthonic and Rob have been beavering away for
months to bring you the biggest game of "Name
That Tune" you've ever played. Type in any band
name you can think of. Really. Any of them.
Chthonic writes - "this really is quite
staggeringly great. OK I'm biased, but this is
just so fantastic." Then he drooled for a bit.
http://www.chthonicionic.net/whatsthatsong/
>> Weebl DVD competition <<
Jonti has made a DVD collecting together much
of his Weebl & Bob work together with some
special treats, including a behind-the-scenes
documentary narrated by Brian Blessed, a
director's commentary, and all the episodes
remastered for wide screen.
We've got two signed copies to give away,
so to win one, simply complete the phrase:
"I'd like to bum Jonti because...."
Send your answers to:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
And if you fancy buying the DVD then please,
be our guest:
https://store.wobblandbob.com/view_product.php
>> Neighbours from hell <<
You wouldn't want to live next door to boarder
Fat Marrow. He's been sabotaging the estate
agents' signs. Very rude. Very amusing.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4038245
>> Posh wine investigation <<
"I've been doing experiments in Tesco," mumbles
Itchy Squirrel. "My tests have proven that you
can price up a bottle of wine just by feeling
it. I did graphs and everything, and I didn't
get told off." We love stuff like this. More
please.
http://www.itchysquirrel.com
>> "You've won a bench!" <<
"Hi, I'm Elbonio", intones Elbonio darkly. "B3ta
included my singing Mount Rushmore in issue 155
of the newsletter. I have something else you
might be interested in. I have given away a
bench to a complete stranger." Blimey. This is
a HUGE video download, not brilliantly filmed,
but it really tickled us at 3 in the morning.
It's got that stoner quality of "hey imagine
how freaked out people would be if we just
knocked on their door and gave them a bench."
http://www.congratulationsyouhavewonabench.com/
>> Instant spaz glasses <<
B3ta reader GrandmaOfShoes writes, "My team
won the pub quiz at one of the locals. The
prize was 20 quid each and a lucky dip in the
'lost and found'. I searched for a while and
discovered a pair of glasses." Woo. And then
GrandmaOfShoes got everyone in the pub to
wear them, making them look like the biggest
bunch of scopers you've ever seen. Lovely
stuff.
http://www.b3ta.com/features/sunshinevarietycoachb...
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: B3TA APPEAL
Help find "vet wanks cat with toothbrush" video
A B3ta visitor has emailed us to let us know
about the reason he dropped out of vet school.
He writes, "During my first class the
instructor showed us a video of scientists
researching the sexual response of the common
domestic house-cat."
It appears the best way of doing this is by
creating a kitty vibrator using a latex
moulding kit and an electric toothbrush.
"This seemed to do the trick, as within 20
seconds each cat was wailing and arching their
rump up for more toothbrush lovin'."
Any veterinary science lecturers out there have
a copy of this? We'd like to see it. We think
it's a video the internet needs to see.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Stories of The Lost
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we wanted you to tell us of things you
lost over the years:
http://b3ta.com/questions/lost/
Here's some of our favourite stories. The first
one is great just for what it doesn't explain:
#1 Pubes
"Worried I'd be bored on the bus into town to
go drinking with my mates, I took my nice new
300 quid mp3 player with me. It was only when
I got off the bus back home again I realised
"Fuck, I had a bag didn't I?"
Contents of bag:
1 300 pound mp3 player
1 small bag of weed
1 small bag of pubic hair, in a clear
plastic bag with a stamp and address label.
Guess which two items I never saw again and
which was carefully posted to me two weeks
later?" (tom wyatt)
#2 Best phone ever...
"Ages ago, when GSM mobiles were still pretty
new, I got a Nokia 1610. After owning the phone
for a couple of months (and hardly daring to
use it because of the ridiculous call costs) I
realised that I still hadn't received a bill:
Vodafone had lost my account on their system.
Two years later, I was still "renting" it for a
fiver a night to the Indian students next door.
Inevitably, getting into a boat, I leaned
forward, and with a sickening plop it
disappeared into the unsanitary depths. I spent
hours of wading about in the filthy water looking
for my magic mobile." (ilikewatchingtv)
#3 D'oh...
"I once found a 20 quid note on the floor of
a bar next to my feet... in my glee I treated
everyone to a round of lovely cocktails. Only
when I got home did I find that I had lost 20
pounds out of my wallet... Dammit." (Jospanna)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to confess to your childhood bad
taste. It's OK. We won't laugh too much.
http://b3ta.com/questions/badtaste/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Trucker's Luck <<
We're not sure exactly how this boy racer's car
ended up in the sea, but we enjoyed watching
Walsh Recovery Service's attempts to get it
out again. Expensive mayhem, with cranes.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/apmeh/92709.html
>> Sex education animation <<
God bless the BBC. Who else would commission a
crazed teenage sexual-health video called
'Funny Flaps' in the name of public service
broadcasting?
http://snipurl.com/funnyflaps
>> Cartoon character skeletons <<
Ever wondered how Hello Kitty actually works?
Well wonder no more. Michael Paulus has created
detailed skeletal diagrams of your favourite
cutesy Japanese feline, and many others
besides. Charlie Brown is particularly scary
looking.
http://michaelpaulus.com/gallery/character-Skeleto...
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: HUMAN ZOO
Pirate Wedding
B3ta contributor Fraser demands, "Come look at
the wedding of a guy-at-work's ex-colleague."
Hundreds of photos of the happy couple dressed
as pirates. Ha ha ha ha ha. They look funny.
http://sail.to/thechristowedding
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Trawling the depths of a sea of fluff
We've been out hunting for cute again. Dunno
why we bother with the rest of the newsletter,
this is the bit you like.
>> Baby polar bears <<
Baby bears. In a few months they'll rip out
your throat. But don't think of that now. Get
them while they're young.
http://www.pbase.com/erichmangl/polarbear
>> Smiley sea thing <<
Axolotl. It's a Mexican salamander. Think that
can't be cute? Think again.
http://snipurl.com/b9hk
>> Gerbils with guns <<
It's not a guerrilla, it's a gerbil. So much
for gun control.
http://snipurl.com/b9hj
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: BIT TORRENT TV
Stuff we've watched this week
>> Spitting Image <<
Legendary 80s latex satire show Spitting Image
makes an appearance this week. We found a 1985
video featuring clips from the series.
Fucking hell, it's absolutely wonderful. Anyone
interested in seeing a topical TV skit show
done brilliantly is well advised to have a
look.
Dead Ringers, Rory Bremner, et al can't touch
the inventiveness, relentless cruelty and
inspirational visual identity of this show.
http://www.uknova.com/
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: JESUS MUM, STOP FEEDING ME THIS BILGE
It's funny names corner
>> Expertsexchange.com <<
It's the little pause that makes it, just
before it redirects you to the new web address.
You can practically hear them saying "D'oh"
and slapping their foreheads.
http://www.expertsexchange.com/
>> Baps.co.uk <<
This lot must have picked their name deliberately.
Surely. You can't tell us they didn't know what
they were doing.
http://www.baps.co.uk/
>> Obligatory spunk reference <<
Finally, B3ta reader 'tala_anthony' writes to
tell us of a friend who had the unenviable task
of answering the phones at Siemens. In Staines.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Movie Plots Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to show us what the
world would be like if Hollywood movie plots
were real.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/movieplots/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Spacefish' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Spacefish writes -
#1 "Technology - Hollywood technology is always
a bit, well, not quite right, and the board
has been quick to capitalise on this. Because
they are nerds. Anyway, this one made me laugh
so hard my milk-bottle glasses fell off. Bonus
nerd points awarded for image optimisation
and nipples. (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4015500
#2 "Hollywood Pest Control - He's had it coming
to him a long time. xaniac shows Mickey Mouse
what happens to mice with annoying voices and
stupid ears in the real world. Hurrah! (xaniac)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4022825
#3 "Doggy - Doggy doggy doggy doggy doggy yaay!
Doggy yay! Doggy yay! Doggy doggy doggy doggy
doggy yaaaaaaaaay! Doggy doggy yay! Doggy dog
doggy doggy doggy yaaaaaaay! Doggy yay! Doggy
yay! Doggy doggy doggy doggy doggy yaaaaaaay!
(rabbitz)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4028086
A dishonourable mention to Seaman Grabber. Ninjas
are cool. That is why this one gets a special
mention. Ace.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4024931
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor 'Spunkmeyer - Angel'
gave us the suggestion, "What really happens
when you die?"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/afterlife/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* OLIVER POSTGATE again. A friend of Kreb's
reckoned when he was growing up he met Mr
Postgate quite often. Apparently his idea of
gardening was to walk around with a running
chainsaw attacking anything that annoyed him
or just plain got in his way.
* TRAMP O'CLAUS. Eve writes to tell us how
Tramp O'Claus helps her. "Every year, Xmas
comes around. Every year, I watch Tramp O'
Claus, and find the strength to go on. Thank
You, b3ta, thank you." Relive the memories:
http://www2.b3ta.com/merrychristmas/
* JOEL VEITCH live and uncut. B3ta friend Joel
writes "We're playing a ska funk gig at the
Bakka Nakka Nalia night at Harper's Bar,
The Boston Pub, in Tufnell Park. Come and
see our debut live appearance, it'll be fun.
It's on December 15th." He'll be on the bill
under the name "Seven Seconds of Love."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SOMEONE EATING BLUE CHEWITS FOR A WEEK -
and photographing their poo. How many times
do we have to ask? We NEED to see this.
* WHISK-Y RISKY - some game encouraging children
to put their fingers into electric whisks.
* PETS DOING SHIT TRICKS - we were watching
animal planet the other day and there was
this dog who could stick five tennis balls
in his mouth and then piss himself. Can your
pet do worse?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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: GEEK JOKE
...It's the science of laffmatics
Why do maths geeks always get Christmas and
Halloween mixed up?
Since Oct 31 is Dec 25.
Boom. Boom.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Team wiki.
Edited by Rob and Dave.
Links sent in by lots of people.
Top Tippery by chthonic
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the bouncing b4ta bunnies. (75925)
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TOP TIP:
Want to impress the ladies? Eat the lemon slice
from your drink whole: pith, peel and all. It's
much less acidic with all that pith and skin to
soak up the lemon juice and tastes nice too.*
* Disclaimer: may not impress the ladies after all.
