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This Week:
* PRESENTS - Buy B3ta stuff for Xmas
* HUMAN ZOO - Leg nipple vs Dragon cock 
* GAMEBOY DS - We've got our hands on one

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 163 - 17 Dec 2004

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  Leg nipple vs dragon cock

  >> Leg nipple <<
  You've all seen mice growing human ears - here's
  a leg that grew a nipple. Scott of Jacksonville,
  Florida was horribly burned in a trailer park fire
  when he was 15. Doctors used skin from his chest
  on his badly damaged legs - which then grew a
  nipple. So he pierced it. Next week Scott grows
  a cock on his elbow.

  >> Tattooed dragon penis <<
  If we had the cash and weren't such big
  jessies, we'd have our manhoods decorated with
  ferocious tattoos, much like this brave fellow,
  whose tool is adorned with a scary dragon
  called Puff. Nothing impresses the ladies like
  whipping out a mythological beast. NSFW. 


  Blunkett game, Gift guide, Stickmen & Foil hats

  >> David Blunkett game <<
  This week the British media has been totally
  obsessed with the resignation of visually
  impaired politician David Blunkett. He'd been
  shagging like a beast and it all turned nasty.
  Oh well. B3ta boarder Tedious decided to
  mark the end of an era with a great new game.
  He says: "I think I might be going to hell."

  >> B3ta Christmas gifts <<
  If you've not got Aunty Joan a present yet,
  B3ta is here to help. Flick through our festive
  guide to the best things to give your loved
  ones. Or yourself. All made by the talented 
  lovelies of the B3ta. We're like QVC with badly
  drawn cocks.

  >> Ambitious Stickman vid <<
  "I've done a few animations but decided to try 
  something more elaborate," types Durbster. "I 
  came up with this animated art heist. I am very
  happy with it." Clever and arty rather than laugh
  out loud funny.

  >> Tinfoil Hat anim <<
  "I've made an new animation", babbles Eclectech,
  "with Miss Prism and Doghorse." Woo. Stick with
  it, the introduction is a bit flabby but the rest 
  is worth waiting for.


  Stick us on your wall

  What better way to brighten up your wall next 
  year than with the B3ta calendar? Featuring an 
  image every month from B3ta's top photoshop
  gurus. We've hand-picked the best thirteen and
  now they're immortalised in print. We think it's
  worth every penny.


: Weebl DVD Competition
  Winners announced

  Last week we gave you the chance to win a 
  signed copy of Weebl's spanky new DVD. We
  asked you to complete the phrase "I'd like to
  bum Jonti because..."

  And the lucky winners are:

  "...I'm dying of AIDS, and I'm taking him
    with me." (naked_jamie)

  "...one day he'll be famous and I'll be able
   to sell my nob on ebay." (sjb_1973)

  If you didn't win, then you can still buy
  the DVD via our gift guide.


  Childhood bad taste remembered

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we wondered just how bad your
  childhood taste could be:

  The answer? Awful. And you sent us pictures
  to prove it too. Really. Check the photos.

  * The Permed Mullet 
    "I owned, and proudly wore, pastel yellow
    and pastel blue cardigans. Just after the
    grey pleated trousers, burgundy tanktop
    and white grandad shirt phase." (darfbozo)
  * The 80s Batwing Jacket
    "This was my favourite jacket for a good deal
    of the 80s. What you can't see are the
    impressive 'batwing' arms."
    Nice pout too... (Beardo)
  * The King of Haircuts
    From bowl to half-inch thick parting to
    "who's that girl?" (MrC - king of lurkage)

  Also worth checking out is Igneous's year by
  year breakdown of fashion mistakes:

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us just how Scrooge-like
  your bosses become with the office Christmas
  party. Tell us how much you've always fancied
  us here:


  Our favourite new toy

  Craig from GBAX sent us a lovely Christmas
  gift - a brand new Gameboy DS, direct from 
  Japan. We've been playing with it all week and 

  * It's fucking huge. Goodbye elegance of the

  * Dual screen is more than a novelty. As an
    interface it rocks bells.

  * Goodbye 2D gaming. This device is the
    equivalent of N64 vs SNES.

  * The wireless stuff will get interesting once
    some clever monkey hacks it and allows it to
    connect to your home PC and download ROMs. 

  If this is your bag, then get your UK orders in
  by the end of Friday and Craig will sort you
  out with one for Xmas.


  Other stuff that rocks our world

  >> Teddy bear guys <<
  Steven and Shane are The Bear Guys, a pair of 
  sinister-looking gentlemen in brightly-coloured
  knitwear who make teddy bears for a living. Go
  on, look at the funny gays.

 >> Piercing for speccy twats <<
  James Sooy has a solution to a problem that has 
  baffled the four-eyed since the beginning of 
  time - how to stop your glasses from sliding
  down the bridge of your nose. It's easy. Simply
  bolt them in place and turn your disability
  into extreme body-art. 

  >> USB eye massager <<
  The Chinese are the most advanced race on
  Earth, technologically speaking. Evidence of
  this can be found at a site selling USB-powered
  eye relief for stressed geeks. Available in
  four colours. We hear it's very popular with

  >> Sex tourist holiday snaps <<
  We like Winston a lot. His photo journal 
  lovingly documents every moment of a six-month 
  odyssey through Russia and Latvia in search of 
  pretty Soviet ladies. It's worth reading every 
  word, but the impatient may wish to skip to
  page 130, where he finally gets lucky. 

  >> "Piss monkeys! We've uploaded babble" <<
  Traditionally designers use a passage of dummy
  Latin in the place of real text when they're 
  setting up new webpages. Portsmouth University 
  use something altogether more entertaining.

  >> Text-to-speech lady <<
  Text-to-speech converters are an Internet 
  favourite, and this modern version works well
  by using a foxy-looking animated lady. Try the
  male voice option for extra oddness, or insert
  dirty talk to use the service as an exciting
  masturbatory aid.

  >> Russian tape archive <<
  Forget Ogg Vorbis, cassette tapes are the
  format of the future, and this Russian site is
  its iTunes. Exhaustingly, obsessively
  comprehensive, it archives all your blank
  analogue favourites, including seminal
  historical artifacts from BASF and Memorex.


  It's a bit of cute alright

  We've had our spies out scouring the globe's
  five corners for the babiest cuddly things. 
  Just for you.

  >> Baby Elephant <<
  B3ta reader mattfinder is in Thailand and has 
  been off visiting a home for sick and orphaned
  elephants. He dashed to a computer to send us 
  word of two new arrivals. 

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  It's funny names corner

  Stuart Green has been in contact to tell us
  about his former life working in the grim
  gravel pits of Northern England. "I used to
  have to call up and order building materials
  - sand, gravel and the like - direct from
  quarries," he grunts.
  "I still pity the poor woman who had to
  answer the phone and announce 'Hello,
  Scunthorpe Slag'."


  Results from the Afterlife Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted to see what really happens
  when you die.

  We asked B3ta boarder 'Little Ralphy' to judge
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Ralphy writes -

  #1 "Reincarnation, of course - I have always
    wondered what Uncle Albert would look like if
    he were reincarnated as a rabbit. The result
    was more pleasing than I could have possibly
    hoped for. (manwithunderpantsonhead)

  #2 "I regret nothing! - We all know we are going
    to be processed back into food when we die,
    but I hope my meat deserves more than the
    tesco blue label. (Manic)

  #3 "Ping! - The nonchalant look on God's face
    as he flicks the poor little parson across the
    table is just perfect!" (Zak McFlimby)

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, the challenge dictator wants some
  "Greetings Cards for Any Occasion"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * NAME THAT TUNE goes from strength to
    strength. Since we featured Chthonic and
    Rob's new game last week, it's been featured
    on just about every blog ever and has notched
    up more than 2,000,000 pages. See if you can
    come up with an artist no-one else has thought

  * CHEWIT POO has been difficult to track down
    but B3ta contributor pussyferrari offers up a
    tale for the scatologically inclined.
    "My friend worked as a dancer at the Raymond
    Revue Bar," he tells us. "After a week there,
    she was talking to the other dancers about 
    the glitter lipstick they wore all evening.
    Because they eat and drink between shows, the
    glitter ends up getting into their systems.
    The next day my friend was very pleased and
    proud to produce her first glitter poo."
    Very festive.

  * MJ "HEY HEY 16K" HIBBETT has been invited to
    the HQ of big radio station BBC 6 Music to
    join in with Steve Lamacq's Sunday show. He'll
    be singing a special Christmas song along
    with a choir. How lovely.


  Mouse co-ordination challenge

  This one's simple. Just move the red dot
  around the screen and pick up the black dots
  on your way. Don't touch the sides though.
  We've been playing it for hours now and feel
  slightly queasy.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HUMAN TAXIDERMY - a freshly stuffed granny
    or uncle. Lots of people die at Christmas
    so take advantage.

  * FANTASTIC AUTISTICS - stories and photographs
    of your geeky friends and family.

  * AMATEUR SELF IMMOLATION - go out in style.
    Just make sure you film it.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel, David
  Stevenson and Lucy Reese.
  Written by team b4ta wiki.
  Links sent in by you lot.
  Top Tippery by badhorsey
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the bearded b4ta elves. (76012)


  Need to clean a carpet in a hurry?  Hoover not
  up to the job? Get a large-format newspaper
  like the Guardian and a can of display mount
  Spray one side of one page, and put it
  sticky-side down on the carpet. Apply pressure
  and then lift - it'll take away most of the
  dust, hair and nastiness with it. One paper can
  clean an average-sized carpet in about ten
  minutes. But will likely give you cancer from the

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