NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 167: "WOMEN WHO BREAST-FEED CATS. AND THE CATS WHO LOVE THEM"
This Week:
* VID - Monkey licks window
* PICS - Man slices penis
* CONSUMER TESTS - Cillit BANG! Any good?
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 167 - 28 Jan 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue167/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Monkey, test, squirrel, drink, KitKat
>> Monkey window-licker <<
New Matt writes, "I went to the zoo. It was great.
We saw a monkey licking a window." We want to see
this made into one of those 'clean your monitor'
things. Nothing shifts dirt and grime like fresh
chimp-spittle. And we should know.
http://www.5318008.co.uk/monkey/
>> Cillit BANG! <<
The Cillit BANG! advert has been amusing a fair
number of people in the UK with its sheer
preposterousness. One of the claims it makes is
to be able to shine your money up all lovely.
Intrepid Adam Welch puts the oddly-named cleaner
to the ultimate test.
http://bang.adamwelch.co.uk
>> Big squirrel <<
Grey squirrels are little nazis. They came from
America to Britain in the 19th century and
virtually wiped out the red squirrel population.
R.Fowden has just been to New York with his camera
and a bag of nuts, hoping to hunt down the ultimate
big daddy squirrel. Just look at the size of this
cocky fucker:
http://www2.b3ta.com/images/rob/thatsafuckinghuges...
>> First drink of the day <<
Joel's been busy and got himself a full-scale
ska band. Made of monkeys, it seems. Here's the
early fruit of their collaboration: a paean to
the ever-glorious first drink of the day. Huzzah!
http://www.rathergood.com/first_drink/
>> Gigantic KitKat Corner <<
You've got to follow your dream, no matter where
it leads you. "I made a giant KitKat out of four
KitKat Chunkies," brags Qwghlm, "So I could
pretend to be a tiny, chocolate-loving pixie
eating a normal-sized one." Well done, sir.
56495127@N00/sets/96668/show/" target="_blank">http://www.flickr.com/photos/56495127@N00/sets/966...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Job Interviews
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked for job interviews you'd had
or conducted that stuck in your memory:
http://b3ta.com/questions/jobinterviews/
#1 Pills
"Interviewer noticed that I had DJ as a hobby.
He asked what sort of music I played and when
I replied Hard Trance, he then lowered his voice
and mentioned he had a load of pills he wanted
to offload and could I sell them at my next gig?"
(essbeenz)
#2 Oven Gloves
"We look for lots of common sense. So, IT grad
straight out of uni arrives at 9am for an
interview, my boss tells him to swap the hard
drives in a bunch of PCs, adding 'Oh, here's
some anti-static gloves," before handing him a
pair of bright red oven gloves with OXO written
on 'em in big white letters. He changed four
drives before going to lunch and never coming
back. We were all next door pissing ourselves."
(Professor Yaffle)
#3 Uncle Fester
"A recruitment company wrote 'Please do not
be put off by his resemblance to Uncle Fester
off the Addams Family'. And it was uncanny!
As was the crowd of people wanting to see
what he looked like." (MartinH)
We'd also like to congratulate Grebe on this
stream of consciousness: "Shagged his daughter,
got the job, shagged her again, dumped her, dad
found out, sacked before start date."
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to sing us the rude words you made
up to songs as a kid. Audition here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/songs/
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: HALL OF FAME
Good links that never die
Rusty is gay - the charming 1950s-styled,
illustrated story of a nine year old boy's
forbidden love for firemen. A true web classic.
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~kurisuto/rusty/rusty.ht...
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: HEADLINE WATCH
Because subeditors are funny
* FAMILY PICNIC MARRED BY CHILD'S DEATH -
Ealing Leader. A rather callous angle on the
death of a child.
* MIRACLE DONKEY - local newspaper in South
Australia. The story about a donkey
who cheated death in two bushfires.
* MAN ALMOST HAS CHIP PAN FIRE - Barrow in
Furness paper. Isn't that... just...
cooking chips?
* NEW BLOW FOR JOBS - Hoddesdon and Broxbourne
Mercury, front page banner headline.
Seen a good headline? Tell us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Breast-feeding kittens <<
This hits all the right buttons for us. Pretty
Japanese ladies feeding cats from their woman-breasts.
If any B3ta readers would like to try to suck milk
from their cat's nipples we'd love to hear from you.
http://www.saaitmedia.com/media.php
>> Sweary Star Trek spoof <<
Wah! A funny Star Trek parody. We were utterly
gobsmacked. Great Eddie Izzard-style narative
and loads of lovely swearing. Who'd have thought?
http://mediachill.com/Star%20Crap.htm
>> Man slices up penis <<
This is what happens when a bloke uses a scalpel
to slice his old chap up like a cheap salami. A
contender for the new classic foul image to shock
your friends.
http://www.livejournal.com/community/tws_support/3...
>> Graphics card spunk-cleaning <<
An amusing troll on a messageboard about installing
your own computer parts. What's the best way to
clear semen from the inside of your PC case?
http://www.nvnews.net/vbulletin/showthread.php
>> Electrical parts porn <<
This is what the little electronic bits inside
your computer get up to while you're asleep.
The dirty little fuckers.
http://snipurl.com/ccje
>> Face morpher <<
This is wonderful- upload a photo and you can
see what you'd look like drunk, or as a child,
or as a member of a different race altogether.
The results don't always work, but they are funny.
http://www.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/~morph/Transformer/
>> "Polar Express is shit" <<
It's very nerdy, but we tremendously enjoyed
this well-informed rant about the quality of the
CGI in the Chistmas blockbuster. Great pics too.
http://wardomatic.blogspot.com/2004/12/polar-expre...
>> Juggling machine <<
Claude Shannon has been heralded as the founding
father of digital communication, but to us he'll
always be the wayward genius who invented the
juggling machine. Watch and learn.
http://www2.bc.edu/~lewbel/shortsha.mov
>> 9/11 Pentagon plane <<
Conspiracy theories related to the events of 9/11
are rife. While we don't quite buy into the story
that there never was a plane flown into the
Pentagon, we enjoyed exploring the web of paranoia.
http://www.pentagonstrike.co.uk/flash.htm
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Snoozy ginger kitty
Asleep and dreaming of happy things, this copper
coloured kitten is at peace with the world.
http://snipurl.com/ccmo
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
For fuck's sake, make it stop
* NIGEL SPACKMAN - Liverpool footballer.
* GOATZE CARAMEL CREAMS - please tell us
these don't have red centres.
* KICK A POO LUCKY EAGLE CASINO - bizarre
mental image.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Scale Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted you to make big things small
and small things big:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/scale/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Benny on the Loose' to
judge the entries - here are his 3 faves.
Benny writes -
#1 "The Snail is coming! Oh no, hang on, they
always leave that sort of trail... - Winner
this week is a cautionary tale about the
dangers of genetically modifying cabbages!
(Dai Marzipan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4181498
#2 "That was the last time MC Escher worked
with Jeremy - As we all know, Jeremy Beadle's
maladjusted wank spanners have bought the
board literally minutes of fine entertainment
over the years. None, however, have come close
to this absolute cracker. Hurrah, I say!
(Beardo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4185391
#3 "Cave Ahead! - This made me laugh far more
than is probably right. Still, once the
authorities get a hold of this I shall be
laughing even more from the Public Galleries,
as Miss FPM has her day in court!
(Funtastic Pony Magic)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4182685
A special mention to RetLek, I couldn't let this
one pass, although slightly tenuous in the scheme
of things (rules are rules) simple, effective &
had me laughing so much, my proctologist had to
re-stitch me!
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4189452
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, The Challenge Dictator asked us
simply to photoshop ducks
http://b3ta.com/challenge/duckinghell/
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: RANCID PETS
Vomity CD cat
Alison Jason writes, "My cat Opi licks the edges
of my stack of blank CDs only to puke almost
immediately after. We try to keep him away,
but he's obsessed... so much so I am thinking
about licking it myself to figure out what the
fuck is going on."
Woo. What revolting thing does your pet do?
Tell us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* NORWEGIAN DISCO NOT NORWEGIAN - Any number of
Finnish readers wrote in, keen to point out
that our Scandinavian disco feature last week
was actually from Finland. They actually seem
proud of that. If you enjoyed it, here's a second
helping of crap Finnish joy:
http://www.kebab.fi/files/videot/armi_ja_danny.mpe...
* GIVEMEBACKMYGOOGLE.COM - last week we asked
you to start a protest site with the above
name. Looks like one of you did. But couldn't
be arsed to finish the job, simply sticking
up a photo of a hamster called Larry. Must
try harder.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Wasting time is always good
>> Chaos Theory <<
This is so simple that the fact it's in Japanese
doesn't matter one bit. A bunch of blue dots
spill upwards onto the screen. Wait a bit.
Wait. Wait. OK, now! Click once to start a chain
reaction of explosions. Can you get it to engulf
every one of the dots? (Site has pop-ups. Beware)
http://www.2flashgames.com/f/f-1211.htm
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DOES YOUR CAT HAVE A SPECIAL TRICK? We'd like
to see video proof.
* FARTMONICA - play the mouth organ through your
arse.
* A PET you can keep in a lightbulb. That way
you'll always see its smiling animal face.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson, Mike Trinder and Team Wiki.
Links sent in by FunkyUK, lemony,
leahlovesjackass, Mr Hangman among others.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the trash b4ta bats. (76880)
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TOP TIP:
Need to sneeze at a moment when it'd be
inappropriate to do so, like during sex or a
funeral? Tickling the roof of your mouth with
the tip of your tongue counteracts the sneeze
impulse.
