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This Week:
* KETTLE - Burning foot man
* CHICKS - New thing from Rob & Joel
* TORRENTS - British comedy special

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 170 - 18 Feb 2005

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  Will7534 wins 50 word auction

  And here's what they wanted to say:

  "Check out these modern-day Gunpowder Plotters
  as they attempt the unthinkable by ramming the
  Houses of Parliament with a jet."

  >> Buy space in B3ta <<
  This week, newsletter co-writer Dave Stevenson
  will be your auctioneer. Going once.
  Going twice. Not gone yet.


  Kettle foot, John Leslie,  Old joke & Tescos

  >> Low pain-threshold Jackass <<
  We have to applaud armatage_shanks and the 
  Wiplashvideo crew. They shun the theatrical
  mummery of many a video stunt and get
  straight in there with the pain. Here we've
  got a guy getting boiling water poured onto
  his feet from a kettle. The humour is in his
  entirely justified reaction: It hurts, he yelps,
  jumps around and gets a bit pissed off with his
  mates for laughing at his dismay.

  >> Black chicks, white knickers <<
  Rob and Joel have been working with YOB again
  to bring you a charming little ditty based on
  John Leslie and his love of black girls in
  white knickers, and indeed white ladies dressed
  in black. Vaguely NSFW, that's if you find
  Maxim style ladies a problem in your office.

  >> Old joke <<
  "I believe that I have created THE ultimate
  website", froths aclements, "even if it is
  absolute bollocks." Yup, it's bollocks, and
  it's an age-old joke, but this Internet
  Tennis game still made us smirk at the
  childishness of it all.

  >> Cheap shop challenge <<
  "I made a 'Tesco Value' guess the price game,"
  chirps naxtek, "As it's the game I play every time
  I visit the supermarket." It's great - we were
  genuinely surprised at how much cheaper everything
  was than our guesses. And also vaguely alarmed at
  what sort of povo shit naxtek was buying.


  Look at me in the local paper

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked for your appearances in the
  local papers:

  * Butlins Summer Brochure Exposure
   "When I was little, we went to Butlins every
    year. When I was seven I turned up in the
    Butlins new summer holiday brochure. I can't
    remember the photo being taken... but then
    I also can't remember sitting at the side of
    the indoor pool with my shorts twisted and my
    tiny pink pods on display for all the world
    to see... The shame." (pb4ugo2bed)
  * Fruity Mayor
   "I happened to be in our local paper dressed
    as Sporty Spice with the Mayor standing next
    to me. What most readers wouldn't guess is
    that my plastered on smile hides the fact that
    the Mayor is squeezing my bum. My mum has this
    picture framed on the mantelpiece - I cannot
    bring myself to tell her." (droopy)

  * Royal Stamp
   "When I was very young, Prince Charles came to
    visit my nursery. I was making a truly
    spectacular Skittle Brick sculpture until it
    was cruelly destroyed by the foot of the King
    to be. I was so upset, that I stamped on his
    foot and cried. All caught under the watchful
    eye of local TV cameras. It was a bloody good
    sculpture... and I'd do it again to his foot
    if I saw him." (In_there_like_swimwear)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us the little things that
  turn you on. Talk to us all huskily here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Household horse <<
  It starts off as a fairly amusing human
  interest story about a horse who likes to
  drive around town with his cowboy owners. But
  stick with the video to see just how disturbingly
  close their relationship really is.

  >> USB hypnodisk <<
  We can't help ourselves: We're helplessly
  salivating at this quite extraordinary desktop
  executive toy. It's a big, brass antique-style
  hypnosis machine that plugs into the USB slot
  of your PC. Not something that could be turned
  for evil purposes. Oh no. Not at all. 

  >> Filthy pasta girl <<
  Some sort of demure Japanese girl falls
  victim to a bizarre catering accident and
  appears to enjoy it rather too much. Kind
  of not safe for work, definitely not safe
  for dinner-time. Especially if you're having

  >>Cat slap baby-head <<
  Exactly what you think it is - video of a
  cat pummelling a baby's head. We actually
  think the sound might be dubbed on. Any
  volunteers to collect what this would really
  sound like, please?

  >> Cute puppet DJ <<
  Perhaps, in another, better world Finger
  Mouse would have been Dutch. And this is
  what he'd have been like: a funky, naked,
  record-scratching hand-puppet DJ.

  >> Steve, Don't Eat It! <<
  Enjoy the adventures of blogger Steven
  as he takes his taste buds places so you
  don't have to. He ranges from weird, processed
  meats through dog food to breastmilk. But the 
  item that really, really turned our stomachs
  was the Dolores Brand Pickled Pork Rinds. Gah.

  >> Creepy, creepy baby dolls <<
  Want to steal an ugly baby? Why not
  buy one of these scary-looking replicas,
  sneak into hospital and swap it over
  with a real one in the maternity ward.
  If you do it swiftly enough, no-one will
  ever notice. Just like Indiana Jones does
  with the diamond and his packed lunch at
  the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark. 

  >> Leukaemia - the musical <<
  "This guy is an ex-work colleague and friend
  of mine", exclaims 8-Ball, "He has Leukaemia.
  Here he is receiving chemotherapy. He's fekkin'
  ace!" This made us actually shed a tear. We're
  such a saps. Watch it. It's utterly charming


  The bit you can forward to Gran

  >> Vegetarian rabbit <<
  James Staples is a regular at Chopsticks in
  Sturrey, Kent. That's where he came across this
  cute root vegetable bunny. You can't take him

  >> PC pussycats <<
  B3ta reader pluke sends us this picture of cats 
  playing with PC components. Perhaps they were 
  chasing the mouse (b-doom-tish). It's ultimate
  geek-fluff heaven.

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  Stuff we've watched this week

  Haven't run a torrent section for a while,
  as to be honest we settled into a rut of grabbing
  the same stuff each week: Lost, Battlestar
  Galactica and South Park. 

  As The Guardian today printed a story stating
  that the UK has the highest global use of telly
  torrents, we thought we'd take the opportunity
  to recommend some good current British comedy
  to our readers in the colonies.

  >> Look Around You <<
  Series Two expands to a 30 minute show, riffing
  off the format of Tomorrows World, a much loved
  magazine programme which explored new technology.
  We particularly recommend episode two, with the
  Medibot robot who can conduct surgery. Oh and
  watch out for the coming computers episode
  which has some visuals supplied by b3ta people.

  >> Nathan Barley <<
  Starting on a satiric TV listings website called
  TVGoHome, the Nathan Barley character became
  shorthand for everything phony in the London
  new-media world. On telly the idea is expanded
  to mock tradition media too, although saving
  a few swipes at a world not a million miles
  from us. Nerdy forums have been debating
  whether series co-creator Chris Morris has gone
  off-the-boil with this, but to our
  eyes, the parodies are absolutely spot on.
  Christ, the other day, we had to pop into
  a design agency in Soho and the staff were
  sitting on exercise balls. Nathan lives!

  >> Shameless <<
  Welcome to Frank Gallagher's world, a life of
  poverty, teenage pregnancy and petty crime,
  like an alcoholic Sergeant Bilko, he careers
  from disaster to disaster, but somehow
  - despite himself - always winning in the end. 
  Great dialogue too, on dumping his teenage
  girlfriend (and daughter of his new wife),
  "He's a fiver. Treat yourself to an E." The
  best thing on UK TV at the moment - baring

  All this and more can be found via uknova.com
  and probably still popular filesharing networks
  like e-mule.


  Results from the 'Mocking the Elderly' Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to make fun of old people.

  We asked b3ta boarder 'Little Ralphy' to judge
  the entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Ralphy writes -

  #1 "Don't fear the reaper - We all know that
      old people could drop dead at any moment
      and chobb's illustrates this in a wonderfully
      subtle way. (chobb)

  #2 "Needle exchange programme - I think it's a
      travesty that more taxpayers money isn't
      spent on emphasising the benefits of safe
      knitting. (Zak McFlimby)

  #3 "Who am I - classic game for children reworked
      for the piss riddled, weak minded fools we
      will all one day become."
      (The Great Architect)

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta contributor Zak McFlimby gave
  us the suggestion, "New Sports for Toffs"


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GUESS THE URL QUIZ - lots of email on this
    apparently the answer to question three is
    tykca.htm, and one reader Karma Carrot got
    to level 11 with hvk.htm

  * BLUE POO UPDATE - for weeks we've been begging
    our readers to spend a week eating blue chew-its
    and photograph their own shit. We've had several
    emails suggesting that "methylene blue" will
    make your pee blue, and bakes well into chocolate
    cakes. Also Scaryduck wants to share his story
    about his mate drinking blue ink, making a 3D
    turd logo for his school which is still hanging
    there to this day.

  * MOCKING ROYALS - last week we asked you to make
    stuff taking the piss out of "horsey old Camilla
    getting married." Chicago Dave has done us
    proud, if this doesn't end up everywhere then
    we'll marry her ourself.


  Count the petals

  Drive yourself mad trying to solve this
  pedantic maths puzzle. If you get it quickly
  then you're a peado. Ha ha.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

    here. Divers have been making an underwater
    gnome garden. However, it's a bit of a
    death trap diving deep enough to film it.
    A pound to the first b3ta reader that gets
    us an exclusive photograph. A whole pound.
    Two pounds if you arrange the gnomes into
    the shape of a cock.

  * POUND MY ARSE - The game sweeping Earls
    Court pubs is "how far can you walk with a
    pound in your arse?" Do we have any pretty
    lady readers who want to film themselves
    doing this?

    ten high street legal highs include Solpadeine,
    Syndol, Feminax, Co-codamol, Nurofen Plus,
    DO-DO ChestEze tablets, Sudafedm, Nytol Tablets,
    Codeine Linctus/Galcodine linctus, and J. Collis
    Browne's Mixture. Can you take them all
    and write a users guide?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson and the withered claw of little
  Benny Wheatus.
  Links sent in by a gang of cunts including
  adrienne, Steerable_forehead, Ben Wheatley's
  spastic daughter Myra, Terry Nutkins,
  bootontheleft, pfabric, odie, smudget33,
  kcsculder, mouseboy_, hotlcp, and
  my mother's rapist.
  Top Tippery by some hotlcp.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by before tar. (76960)


  Contrary to what your mum may have taught you,
  never use a lid when cooking green veg in a
  saucepan as it causes the acid that they release
  to be drawn back into them and thus making them
  grey and wilted.

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