NEWSLETTER: "DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK. WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR YEARS. ROCKIN OUR PEERS AND PUTTIN SUCKAS IN FEAR."
This Week:
* VIDEO - Arson Sam
* GAME - Milk the giraffe
* QUESTION - Has Google ruined your life?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 215 - Valentine's Day 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue215/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: WHY THE TUESDAY NEWSLETTER?
Last Friday our email list - over 100,000 of
you - disappeared from Yahoo. Frankly we got
into a bit of a sulk that something that has
taken so long to build could disappear over
night. Thankfully - by late Monday - Yahoo
restored our list and - despite our paranoia
that we'd done something to really upset them
- said, "Apologies for the problem. We would
like to continue to host your list." So thank
goodness for that. We were shitting bricks.
Anyway. It's the knowing that there are readers
that keeps us writing this newsletter. So,
the thought that we'd lost you made us sob
into our pillows.
Here's to you, dear readers, as without your
subscriptions this newsletter and site simply
wouldn't exist.
B3ta loves you damnit. Each and every last
hairy one of you.
BTW: If you're reading this via the website
and have never signed-up, please do, seeing
the numbers go up gives us internet-wood.
There's an email box on the right-hand-side
of our frontpage. Make us stiff.
http://www.b3ta.com/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Arson Sam, Lactating giraffes and Rathergood
>> Arson Sam <<
Genius idea here. John1024 has taken the
children’s TV show Fireman Sam and played
it backwards so that Sam starts fires. He
writes - "it's the Welsh Mafia in action in
Pontypandy with Sam turning in to a right
little arsonist." It's the subtitles that
make it - we were crying with laughter.
http://snipurl.com/arsonsam
>> Milk the giraffe <<
Meanwhile, in another part of the world,
Matazone has been labouring mightily and the
fruits of his crafting is truly, in his words,
"the best giraffe-milking game that you've
ever played." Uncannily realistic. For all
we know.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/animpages/gm/giraffe-mil...
>> Rathergood knees song <<
Joel has been writing songs again, this time
claiming that cats have knees. When we all
know they don't, they have elbows. Different
execution than usual. Nice.
http://www.rathergood.com/knees/
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: 24 FEB IS WORK YOUR PROPER HOURS DAY
Sponsored link
It's about time. Join the resistance to the
long-hours culture by taking a proper lunch break
and leaving on time for a change on Friday 24th.
To work out how much pay you're losing out on
and for info, posters and puppies in peril visit:
http://b3ta.workyourproperhoursday.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: 'SICK JOKE' BOOK UPDATE
Thanks to everyone who's contributed to the
sick joke project so far. There's been some
fantastic entries and we're ecstatic with joy.
We're keeping our promise of talking to
publishers and we hope to be able to bring
you news on that front soon.
BTW: We've also been contacted by a TV
documentary maker who's recently been
commissioned to make a show in a similar
area and he's asked us to be interviewed as
an 'expert in sick humour' which is very
flattering, and made us giggle that we could
be considered an expert in anything other
than picking our own noses.
>> Help out <<
We're looking for your worst sick jokes and
and illustrations. There's an overview of how
to join in here:
http://www.b3ta.com/features/sickjokebook/
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: VALENTINE'S DAY
* INCEST CARDS - "Hello B3ta", writes Andy,
"I thought you might be interested to know
that Clinton Cards are selling brother/sister
Valentine's cards. Now I know that I live in
the North but we aren't all like that."
* POTATO OF LUUURVE - if you fancy something a
bit less cliché than chocolates, you could
do worse than this wondrous, potato-shaped
like a love-heart. Admittedly, not much
worse.
http://snipurl.com/potatoofluuurve
* STILL NUMBER 1 - for a Google search of
'I love you' is our ancient cheesy kitten
thing about "you're better than ice-cream".
Kinda feel guilty about it as we were taking
the piss and still get emails from people
going, "I sing that to my cat" or better,
"I got the DJ to play that at my wedding."
http://www2.b3ta.com/i-love-you/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Culty Cult Cults
After a friend revealed that he'd been involved
with the Moonies, we wondered how many of you
lot had been culties?
A lot of the stories are far too long to cut
down for the newsletter, but follow the link and
you'll find:
* Soapy Norris showing how the most terrifying
thing you can find at a cult meeting is an
ex-member of Level 42
* Hoogie using a loud hailer to get some Mormons
off his doorstep
* Sir_spicious pretending to be voice of L. Ron
Hubbard on an intercom at Scientology's UK HQ
* Doofus listing his top ten best things about
no longer being a Jehovah's Witness, although
we reckon eating black pudding should be higher
up the list than number six.
* Mastic's Jedi obsessed mate, "Obi wan Del Monte"
http://b3ta.com/questions/cults/
>> This Week's Question <<
Has Google's autocomplete ruined your life? Have
you had a Gary Glitter moment in PC World?
Talk to us here:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/googleruinedmylife/
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: DADDY YOUR PENIS IS HURTING MY ANUS
It's the single entendre 'funny names' corner
Jeru writes -
"This letter was from Lloyds TSB, when receiving
my new PIN. I think they could pick a better
person's name to put on the letters. I almost
feel sorry for the woman."
http://www.calabrese.f2s.com/unfortunate.jpg
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: GIVE IN TO YOUR VENGEFUL URGES
Sponsored link
Don't get mad, get Evil.
Shock, Squirt, Sicken and Stink them out.
Over 150 fiendish pranks to keep your victims
wide eyed and nervous.
http://snipurl.com/kmzf
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Can the internet buy me a house? <<
The internet is magic. It can turn a good idea
into hard cash. Alex from the milliondollarhomepage
did it, and also our friends like Joel and Jonti
have earnt a few quid from spinning off their web
creations into the advertising world. The latest
player of the game is Kyle MacDonald who is
attempting to swap a paperclip for something of
more value, and then swap that, until he gets
his own house. He's already managed to get a van,
and we suspect once the marketing types hear
about this and see the promotional value of
going in on his game, and inevitable book deal
and TV documentary, he'll be well on his way.
Good luck Kyle - although he could do with a
snappier redesign of his site.
http://snipurl.com/papercliphouse
>> Dave’s arty link corner <<
Newsletter co-writer Dave is a trained graphic
design with a keen eye for the arts. Starting
this week we're running his art appreciation class,
he writes, "Mona Lisa is an OK painting, but
Da Vinci would have been better advised to add
dogs. Lots of dogs."
http://www.mycraftshowroom.com/monatransfers.htm
>> Fat people - naked <<
Leonard Nimoy - better known to you as the author
of 'I am not Spock' and controversially 'I am
Spock' knows what makes the world tick: voyeurism.
He knows that you want to see nude fat ladies so
you can point and laugh. The cynical chubby-chasing
pointy-eared cunt.
http://www.leonardnimoyphotography.com/7bodybot.ht...
>> Cat internet eats itself <<
Sing with us, "The cats watch the kittens while
the kittens watch the cats who watch the kittens
go by."
http://www.flurl.com/uploaded/Cat_watchings_Cats_6...
>> Traffic scratching <<
"Nice bit of video here", writes Oodles, "If you
could actually do this with traffic I might
actually get a license." Warning: this is
something that marketing types like to call
a 'viral' but we're linking it as we quite
like it.
http://snipurl.com/m0u3
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: FILTHY MARKETING OF THE WEEK
and not that Engrish shite
>> Spunky pizza <<
Tony Blews writes -
"Sirs, regarding your FILTHY MARKETING OF THE
WEEK. Our local Perfect Pizza is still using
these boxes, about four years after everywhere
else spotted the flaw."
http://www.coobeastie.co.uk/bucket/spunky_pizza.jp...
>> Rear-entry kittens <<
"Check out what I found in a kid's store in Hong
Kong", exclaims Russ, "It's a shower cap, with a
picture of some very sexy kittens!"
http://b3ta.com/board/5615264
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
No results this week, as we're still running
the Sick Jokes challenge, but we do have a
new contest to test your photo-meddling skills
>> New challenge: Switching Movie Directors <<
Imagine a world where Quentin Tarantino directs Bambi,
where Mel Brookes applies his magic touch to Apocalypse
Now; a land in which movie directors are in charge of
films entirely unsuited to their style.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moviedirectors/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We'd like you to suggest a challenge, and
vote on the ideas suggested by others.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Anal sex song & Bouncy game
>> Do you take it up the arse? <<
Every so often we get emails from a chap called
Kirby from Canada asking us to look at his latest
videos. We have no idea who he is, but he's
very persistent. Yay for weird Canadians.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/do_you_take_it.htm
>> Minimalist bounce game <<
"Bounce is to Web-based games what potted meat
is to cardigan sweaters," brags turdhead of his
creation. Perhaps that's a rash claim, but it
didn't stop us enjoying a good few minutes of
colour-clicking action, once we'd figured it out.
http://www.turdhead.com/cosmic-bounce
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GEEK SONGS VID - A couple of weeks ago, we asked
if any brave souls could make a video of Albert
the Mildly Deranged's rewrite of the BeeGees'
'Tragedy' - so a slap on the back to Curis and
his chums for this nerdy treat.
http://www.youtube.com/w/
* GEEK SONGS AGAIN - More of the stupid songs
you sing to yourself in your everyday routine.
Emvee tells us that "when peering down the
tunnel at Kentish Town station waiting for
the train to arrive, I've been known to sing
the ditty: 'Tubey dooby doo, where are you?'
much to the embarrassment of my friends."
* THE TESCO VALUE DIET - ShadowmanX took up our
challenge of recent weeks to see if someone
could survive consuming only food from the
intimidating pikey Tesco Value range. He's
a braver man than us, but deserves a stern
ticking-off: Nice write-up, but it's missing
photos of his horrible meals and the man
himself looking sicker and sicker.
http://tesco-value-me.livejournal.com/
* BRIAN PEPPERS: THE TRUTH - We've all been
having a bit of a laugh about freaky-looking
sex offender Brian Peppers. However, someone's
taken the trouble to do a bit of research and
here, it seems, is the real story. We hang our
heads in shame.
http://pepperstruth.ytmnd.com/
* JIMMY SAVILLE LOVES B3TA - Thanks PhilDup, who
was watching a TV show with Jimmy Saville on
last night. Apparently, the 70s superstar has
a big printout of the 'Apocalypse Now Then'
pic by b3ta's very own lovely Chobb. He really
likes it:
http://www.fatdrunkandstupid.com/chobb/b3ta_chobb_...
* WINNER OR SINNER: WORLDWIDE - We've been
getting reports that the 'Be A Winner Not
A Sinner' preacher, memorably interviewed by
Kirk Rutter in newsletter 157, has abandoned
his usual Oxford Street roost and been spotted
doing his thing on the streets of Sydney,
Australia. Cheers to cocoloco for the pic.
http://snipurl.com/mjlw
* ROADKILL CUISINE - No sooner do we ask for it than
it appears. Some bloke from Cornwall is writing a
book of recipes using dead animals from the side
of the motorway.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-2017102,...
* BOOK ABUSE - A couple of weeks ago we were winding
one of readers up with tales of our childhood
book-eating predilections. Well blow us, if it didn't
start a positive flood of similar booky confessions.
Among them:
Sundae writes, "Thank flip this wasn't just me!
I used to get into soooo much trouble for this.
I can still recall the taste of a good Enid Blyton
(aged, dusty and slightly smoked). Perhaps other
readers have a favourite book flavour?"
Julian confesses, "When I was 16 or so my friend
and I got it in to our heads that we would smoke
the whole Bible. We started off by using the
Nativity for roaches, and would no doubt have done
something similar with the fluffier bits of the
New Testament, but stopped short when we realised
that we had no way of offending the people we
wanted to offend, since to do so we'd have to admit
to being teenage pot addicts. We were vile idiot
children. Plus the flimsy pages of the average
Bible made shitty roaches. They always went wet
and fell out..."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* LONLEY VALENTINE SWAPSIES - disappointed
that you didn't received a card this year?
Sign up for a community based website where
the more cards you agree to send, the more
you get from random strangers.
* HUMAN BLACK PUDDING - syringe a pint of blood
from your arm and cook with oatmeal and
onions. Actually there's a whole website here:
'The Self Cannibal', fry up your tonsils with
some garlic butter, or turn your liposuction
fat into suet. You'll win the Turner Prize,
or get your own TV documentary, mark our words.
* LIGHT SABRE SWALLOWING - geeky update on
the old circus sideshow attraction. Should
get the nerds excited anyway. Especially if
you can turn out the lights and film an
ethereal stomach glow.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Jamie Crick
Top Tippery by Rob 'my fingers hurt' Manuel.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Wooyaying by the b4tas. (107460 - 32740)
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TOP TIP:
Prevent your hands from chapping in this cold
weather by keeping a small pot of moisturiser
in your coat pocket.
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: BONUS 'MILLION DOLLAR HOMGEPAGE' INTEVIEW
Alex credits B3ta newsletter for his success!
We went to some web industry evening last week
and some guy came up to us and said, "The Million
Dollar Homepage bloke is looking for you lot.
It's funny right, 'cause all the press are here
and want to talk to him, but he wants to talk to
B3ta."
Obviously flattered we speak to him.
Him: You're from b3ta?
Us: Yeah.
Him: It's like pretty big yeah?
Us: Yeah. The biggest thing in the universe
Him: Cheers for linking my site - it was a huge
boost of traffic in the early days.
Us: So we made you a millionaire?
Him: Yeah. Maybe. Cheers for calling me a 'cunt
for thinking up the idea'.
Us: Not a problem.
Him: So you make money from B3ta?
Us: Well we sell a few ads on the newsletter.
Him: Yeah. Worried that will alienate the
readers?
Us: Well we figure give people 90% what they
want and you can shove in 10% of what YOU want
and they won't mind. Although we obviously should
just make it 100% ads. Like your site. That's
where we're going wrong.
Him: Ha. Absolutely.
Us: So there's lots of people asking you what
are you going to do next?
Him: Yeah. I'm trying to think stuff up. Less
novelty, more long term.
Us: Novelty is good though.
Him: I don't want to be a flash in the pan. I
think there's a million ideas on the internet
that'll make money. I'm just deciding which one
to work on next.
Us: So you've deferred university?
Him: Yeah. I might go back.
Us: So how did that go. Did you drive on campus
in a Porsche and flick Vs at the Vice Chancellor?
Him: Yeah. Tossed the deferment papers out the
window.
Us: Anyway. Which sites do you rate? Flickr?
Him: It's ok. Not sure about the all the Web
2.0 sexiness stuff.
Us: It's window dressing to get the geeks
excited, Flickr works because it's simply the
best way to share photos. Ok. Delicious?
Him: Nah. Don't get it. Bit geeky. I like Digg
though.
Us: God yeah. Fantastic site. All the democratic
voting instead of editors picks. Makes life
so much easier.
