NEWSLETTER: "TOO MUCH GREAT STUFF TO POSSIBLY SUM UP IN ONE LINE OF PUNCHY COPY"
This Week:
* EXPLODE - Aerosol balloon bomb
* WEEBL - Has a good wank
* NAZIS - Hugo Boss fashion shock
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 235 - 30 Jun 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue235/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Save British Design
The British Design Council want to make sure
British design stays on top of its game and
they want your help. Have your say by
completing their short questionnaire and
joining in the debate.
http://snipurl.com/kpbritshdesignalive
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
eBay date, Fire-bomb and Wanking
>> eBay a date <<
McPete pleads, "Could you link to my item in
the newsletter? I've been stood up for a ball
and need to find a replacement in the next two
weeks else I'm £70 out of pocket." Heh, not a
problem McPete. And we're sure you haven't
been stood-up due to your handsome looks.
http://snipurl.com/ebaydate
>> Aerosol fire-bomb <<
"Although the newsletter in question was a few
weeks ago", confides spacedmango, "I've made
something involving an aerosol can. It's quite
dangerous and I wouldn't condone anyone else
ever doing it... I'm actually regretting it, as
I now have no hair on my right arm and the
hair on my head is singed."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Weebl wanking shock <<
It's a weird thing to contemplate Jonti
Picking masturbating, considering he has no
genitalia and no hands. Errr we mean Weebl.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/stains/
-------------------------------------------------
: NAZI FASHION WATCH
Wearing Hugo Boss? You're wearing fascism
A bloke said to us the other day, "You know
why SS Nazi uniforms looked so cool? They were
designed by Hugo Boss."
We thought this was just mental stoner babble,
but nope, wikipedia agrees.
"Hugo Boss established his company in
Metzingen, Germany, in 1923, only a few years
after the end of World War I. Before and
during World War II, Mr. Boss's company both
designed and manufactured uniforms and attire
for the troops, officers and other
governmental branches of Nazi Germany,
including the SS. It is likely that the
factory used forced labour."
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The most cash I've ever carried
Last week we asked for the stories behind the
biggest wads of cash you've ever seen:
http://b3ta.com/questions/themostcashevercarried/
Here's three stories of sums small, medium
and scarily large.
* Eighty seven pounds and forty two pence
"I had not long turned six and was counting
up my birthday money. My relatives had all
given me some money, which all amounted to
£87.42. With all this money, I decided that
what I really wanted was a stereo. So, my
mum takes me down to Comet and we have a
look around. Then I see it. The stereo
that I wanted. Needed. It was tall, black
and shiny. The edges were sleek and it had
big shining buttons on the front. We get
it and go to the counter to pay. I take my
£87.42 out of my dungarees pocket but
unfortunately, being only six, I'm too
small to reach the counter top. So my mum
says she will pay. I take home my brand
new shiny stereo and the £2.43 left over.
A week later as I'm struggling to take my
sparkling stereo upstairs to my bedroom,
"What are you doing with that stereo?"
"I'm taking it to my bedroom." "Why?"
"Because it's mine and I want to listen
to it in my bedroom." "Is it yours? It
cost a lot of money, I don't think you
did pay for it. I gave the man all that
money, didn't I?" It stayed in the living
room and I was most upset. My mum still
claims that she paid for it, but I'll
never forget what really happened, and
when the time comes, I'm going to pick
out the most hideous nursing home..."
(Fluffy elephants)
* Midget butt cheeks
"The largest amount of cash I have had was
£1000 to buy a second hand computer. I
handed over my passport to the cashier as
ID, and out fell a playing card which my
flatmate had thoughtfully hidden inside.
It was the six of diamonds, and the picture
on it was of a grinning naked midget,
looking over his shoulder and spreading
his butt cheeks. There was also a hand
written note saying "I am a ginger nobbler".
The now hysterical cashier called at least
four of his colleagues away from customers
to come and have a look. The computer I
bought broke after a month and the vendor
couldn't be traced. My flatmate remains
unrepentant." (browser)
* Half a million dollars. In my kitchen.
"I once worked on a project in an African
American section of Miami, that required
paying quite a large number of workers
$100 each in a single day. (That's about
5,000 people, give or take a few hundred
for surprises.) As a payroll person, I'd
done this before, but I wasn't quite prepared
for what management had planned: instead
of writing checks, we would be lining up
our workers at the end of the day and
handing out envelopes with $100 bills in
them... In the Miami ghetto. I'm sure it
made sense to them, but to me the order
came down like a death sentence. Two days
later I'm sitting in my "secure location"
(my kitchen) with half a million fresh-scented,
milky-green U.S. dollars. The money, when
stacked, filled two milk crates; when it
came through the door, it felt like some
otherworldly presence had just entered,
accompanied by an ominous feeling of danger.
Fortunately, the state of Florida allows
for the purchase and sale of machine guns,
so I spent the rest of the day stuffing
wads of cash into envelopes with my
roommate's AK-47 pointed at the door.
After it was all counted and stuffed, it
was picked up for delivery to several
different sites around South Florida.
I wasn't there to see it, but I was told
that the carefully-formed lines of workers,
upon realising that payment was in cash,
disintegrated quickly into an impatient
mob. There were gunshots and muggings
and co-workers running for their lives.
Don't you love decisions from the top?"
(Mr Kearns)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your rock and roll stories. Tell
us about the brown M&Ms here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/rockandrollstories/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Spam scammer woodcarving <<
It's always good to see people like the
419eater bunch getting back at the irritating
fraudsters who send that 'get rich quick'
email shit. This particular trick, however,
had the scammer running around and making
detailed woodcarvings. We actually felt a
moment of sympathy for the hapless schmuck.
Bloody brilliant. And nice carving.
http://www.419eater.com/html/john_boko.htm
>> Original Kraftwerk vocoder <<
Somebody's flogging off a vocoder used by the
cool-as-German-fuck man-machine synth
pioneers. It looks the size of a house and
comes encrusted with a liberal array of
exciting knobs and levers. Old, old-school
nerd porn.
http://snipurl.com/scxm
>> How not to pitch your script <<
Alas, it's parody, but we loved the idea of
someone being of sufficient mentalosity to try
getting 'Rapebear' (the bear who rapes)
funding to be a big summer blockbuster. Sharp
writing, how we wish it was non-fiction...
http://snipurl.com/rapebear
>> Stabby stab knife rack <<
It would take some sweet-talking to get one of
these into the B3ta towers kitchen, but what a
great idea - a rack that looks like the result
of a particularly inept knife-thrower's act.
http://snipurl.com/stabbystabstab
>> How to open a coconut <<
Does exactly what it says on the URL. There's
a whole series of these sites, that purport to
teach you how to do things which in reality
require a mere modicum of common-sense. We
still spent ages debating the merits of their
methods, which probably shows that they are
onto something. People like discussing obvious
things.
http://www.howtoopenacoconut.com/
>> Piano burning <<
Bunch of students are moving house and need to
get rid of the old piano. Enjoyed their rather
feeble attempt to find it a new home before
they succumb to the inevitable and, one
drunken night, drag venerable instrument to
the beach for a Viking send-off.
http://pianoburning.blogspot.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Japanese baby zoo
Want your fluff organised by created and big
enough for wallpaper? Thank Mr Null for
sending this fine collection in.
http://www.v2k.jp/baby-zoo/wall_back.html
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Keeping YouTube in ad revenue since 2006
Our YouTube addiction has reached such heights
that we were there at 4 o clock in the morning,
watching old Apple keynote speeches instead
of writing the newsletter. BTW: Steve Jobs in
1984 looking very smug about his computer's
ability to scroll text is a small moment of
comedy gold. However we're not linking to
that, we're linking to this:
>> Why A Piano Is Like A Woman <<
Rich Hall creates the comedy character of a
much-convicted country music singer called
Otis Lee Crenshaw. You'll want to stick with
this until the final line that had us
sniggering for, oooh minutes. Also make sure
you check out his equally brilliant 'He Almost
Looks Like You' ode to being a prison bitch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Bush: Sunday Bloody Sunday <<
We admit to not being overwhelmed when we
heard the track as an mp3 a wee while back,
but the accompanying, frenetically-edited vid
of George W does Max Headroom is all kinds of
good and now it all makes sense.
http://video.google.com/videoplay
>> Pickle terror <<
A girl terrified of pickled gherkins is
traumatised by a trip to a pickle factory.
Subsequently she is chased round a talk-show
studio by the pickle-wielding host. In the
future all TV will be like this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Woman_with_extreme_pickl...
>> Bonus quicky vid links <<
* DRUNK GUY ARRESTED
http://youtube.com/watch
* KITTEN IN A BOTTLE
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* NEW SPORT: LADDER RACING
http://www.hedonistica.com/media.php
* STEVIE WONDER FUNKING OUT ON KIDS' TV
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Further_to_Stevie_Wonder...
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAMES CORNER
Mummy, this website sounds like 'penis'
"Doing some research," fibs Ronen, "I came
across this site and immediately thought of
you guys. Childish minds think alike..." We
wanted to hate this, but a small, nasty smile
flickered across our ashen lips. Your mileage
may vary.
http://www.pnas.org
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* NEUTICLES, A DOG EXPERT WRITES - "The
'Neuticles' pet testicle implants are
generally regarded as an underhand method of
cheating in dog shows -- a dog can't win best
of breed if - obviously - it can't breed, so
judges are meant to check the dog's
undercarriage is in working order. So if
you've got a dog that's had its bollocks
whipped off as a pup, Neuticles are a way of
cheating to make the judge think that the dog
is healthy in every respect. That's why the
Neuticles site takes great pride in mentioning
over and over that they feel almost exactly
like the real thing - they're not freaks who
like groping their own dog's testicles,
they're just out to make a small fortune by
helping scam dog shows." (raincannon)
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Pimp My UK Design' Challenge
Last week The British Design Council wanted
you to make some lovely pictures and promised
to hand out some prizes.
Their favourite was Zak McFlimby's traffic
light that converted into a lovely street
bench. So there's an Xbox 360 in the post for
him.
Also they have runners up prizes of a lovely
B3ta t-shirt for Mutated Monty, Leningrad,
Threepwood, wibblywobbly and Zak McFlimby.
(again? is this thing rigged?)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/pimpmybritishdesign/
>> New challenge: Brits in space <<
After the B3ta team were sniggering in the pub
about the crap UK space programme, we decided
it might be a nice idea for a challenge.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britsinspace/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
-------------------------------------------------
: THANKS
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by Clairebare, boyx, Vectrex
Chav In A Box? Innit, stripeertw, Yank Meoff,
squirrels emit silent screams, I_Am_Kloot
and Else Lennox
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Clickwoos to b4ta. (1,000,000,000, ok 109357)
-------------------------------------------------
: TOP TIPS
* MARKER PENS
"If you've accidentally used a permanent marker
on a whiteboard or other smooth surface, fear
not," exclaims Flowerpot. "The mark can easily
be removed by using deodorant - even long
after it's dried." It does kind of make a nonsense
of something being 'permanent' though, if it's
so easy to remedy.
* SOLDERING
"This does work but you have to be quick," confides
dogboy. "When soldering, if you accidentally
touch the tips of your fingers with the soldering
iron, grab your hair and the heat dissipates
really quickly, reducing pain. Honest." Although
we reckon it might actually result in soldering
your hand to your head. Anybody up for testing
this one out? Hmm. Maybe not.
-------------------------------------------------
: MODERATLY AMUSING JOKE SOMEONE EMAILED US
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his
daily briefing. He concludes by saying,
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's
terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of
emotion, nervously watching as the President
sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How
many is a brazillion?"
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
"Same shit different day? Stop being a wage
slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs -
now with added monkeys. Your boss fears us!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jun30
