NEWSLETTER: "OPENING THIS NEWSLETTER WILL MAKE YOU GAY"
This Week:
* ANIM - Beastenders
* QUESTION - Lies you've told on your CV
* VIDEO - When Elephant Seals wake
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 236 - 7 Jul 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Beastenders, Star Wars Tennis & Weebl game
>> Beastenders <<
Mutated Monty is push the cut up photoshop
flash stuff forwards with his disturbing take
on UK soap Eastenders. Really worth a look,
the visual style will soon be ripped off by TV
ads.
http://b3ta.com/links/Beastenders
>> Star Wars Tennis <<
"I've made Tennis on Tatooine", squeaks
Davideo, "it's an insane mix of tennis and
sci-fi, to coincide with the end of Wimbledon
and all that cake." Heh, we like this, not so
much for the clever mucking about with
effects, but for the warm chatty nature of the
presentation.
http://www.davideodesign.co.uk/tat.htm
>> Mouse balancing game <<
Young Weebl has been tackling the casual
gaming arena, his latest idea an oddity to
test whether you can balance the mouse
pointer. Frustratingly hard.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/games/Mouse+Balancing/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Rock and Roll stories
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked you to tell us your rock
and roll stories:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/rockandrollstories/
* NINE INCH NAILS BOLLOCK PUNCH
During a 1991 Nine Inch Nails tour, in 1991,
they were lined up to play Birmingham
Goldwyns. During one song, Trent started a
lame form of crowdsurfing. Not taking well to
be kicked in the face, I found my assailants
bollocks, and dispensed a couple of sharp
jabs to teach him a lesson. You can hear it on
an old bootleg tape I have, as he stops
singing and goes "OOOOF". It was about then I
realised I'd just punched Trent Reznor in the
bollocks. (domesticterrorist)
* MOBY BROKE MY TOILET
A while back I used to interview visiting pop
starlets for the local listings mag. This time
it was the the turn of Moby, on his first UK
tour and riding high in the charts with his
monosyllabic rave anthem *Go!*. After his slot
our born again vegan hero retired back stage,
only to find his tiny dressing room full of
the gak-hoovering monsters - there was no
chance of conducting an interview in this
environment - so back to my place he came. In
morning, he behaved oddly, refusing to touch
toast because *there may be something in the
bread*... apparently orange juice and muesli
were fine. He then disappeared to the loo,
after which I was to give him a lift to his
train. He was gone for some time. Eventually I
decided to see if he was OK. Just as I was
about to knock on the door, he rushed out,
muttering he was ready to go. In the car he
was very quiet. After dropping him at the
station, I returned home & noticed a puddle
under the toilet door. A glance inside was all
it took! The floor was soaked! The cistern
handle was hanging off, paper strewn over the
floor and in the bowl nestled a single,
perfect popstar turd. I washed it away with a
bucket of water. The repairs cost me £40.
(auawsha)
* There's also a good story about Oliver Reed
from Mr Evian which is too long to print here.
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about fibbing on your
CVs. Talk to us here:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/liesonmycv/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Electrocute the man <<
This chap is raising money through the medium
of painful of agonising electric shocks. He's
wearing a dog training collar and you can
choose to shock him (or not) and advertise
through the website. He's doing it all for
charity - animal welfare, although we think
Amnesty International would be a better choice.
http://shocktheman.com/
>> Dave Chappelle conspiracy <<
In 2004 Dave Chappelle was a wildly successful
TV comedian at the peak of his stardom. Within
a year, his career had gone to shit. How could
this be? Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey
conspiring with Louis Farrakhan? Apparently so
- read on:
http://www.chappelletheory.com/index.html
>> Theme park desolation <<
Possibly the worst theme park we've ever seen,
check out these shot's of Egypt's 'Fantazy
Land'. With so many rides lying around in
rusting chunks, drifts of sand and the fact
there doesn't seem to have been another living
soul there - rather Mad Max.
http://www.themeparkreview.com/forum/viewtopic.php...
>> Jet-powered Beetle <<
A bog-standard Volkswagen Beetle, except that
it has a 6-foot jet engine sticking proud from
the boot like an angry robot cock. Apparently,
it's street-legal in California. Largely
because the city fathers failed to foresee
that anyone would want to do such a
frantically dangerous thing to their little
runabout.
http://www.ourlighterside.com/stuff/engineer/
>> Dust art Mona Lisa <<
There's something about a dusty car or van
that's just begging for someone to scratch
'clean me' on it. Scott Wade's car gets dusty
on such a frequent basis that he's been forced
to elaborate to prevent boredom setting in.
Check out his baroque renderings:
http://snipurl.com/wshmywfewasthisdirty
>> "I was assaulted by this man" <<
Earning the coveted title of 'photo flickr is
most likely to remove' is this picture of a
guy who allegedly assaulted the photographer,
claiming to be a cop. Who is he really? that's
what they're asking. Slightly scary, liked the
off-ball comments people added to the pic.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thomashawk/161990986/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Otters, Dolphins & Dogs
>> Otterly great! <<
Two baby little otters, they're so cute, maybe
when they'll grow up they'll marry each other.
Unless one is a evil one-legged otter who
just wants to get her paws on his royalties.
http://www.censuur.com/weblog/babyottersomg.jpg
>> Dolphin loves Mr Woofy <<
This looks like some sort of therapy for
retarded dogs - making them swim with
dolphins. Actually, if humans swim with
dolphins, dogs should probably swim with
seals. Handicapped cats would probably rate a
sea-otter and so on.
http://snipurl.com/puppylove
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Typing crap into Youtube so you don't have to
Our YouTube addiction has been slightly curbed
this week as we bought a Nintendo DS Lite
complete with the Brain Training game that's
been advertised heavily on TV recently. It's
shite, but it comes with a 100 or so Sudoku
games that have been melting our brain. We've
been going to sleep we've been mumbling '2 3 7
9', not good, don't do it kids.
>> The Smiths on Kids TV <<
Loving this clip of Morrissey and Marr on a
bus with a load of spoddy kids, "Where are we
going? We're going mad!" - a visit to Kew
Gardens where they bump into Sandie Shaw.
http://b3ta.com/links/Kids_Tv_in_a_parallel_univer...
>> Gay deprogramming <<
Some believe that you can stop being gay with
a bit of counselling. Sounds unlikely to us,
especially after watching this clip where you
can't help but think the guy is just mental.
http://movies.crooksandliars.com/PZ-cohen.mov
>> Harry the Hamster <<
Shortcut to comedy lesson 1: Make something
small and cute express filthy thoughts.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Star Wars: A New Pope <<
Adam 'Adam & Joe' Buxton has re-voiced some
footage of the Pope John Paul II's funeral and
turned it into a fantastic send-up of some of
the more pompous aspects of the recent Star
Wars movies. BTW: We once clocked Adam Buxton
at a party, he now owns a sinister beard and
is as round as a barrel. No surprise he's
keeping his face off the camera.
http://youtube.com/watch
>> Hallucinate without acid <<
If you haven't seen one of these things before
(and we have in, oooh, the mid 90s), you're in
for a tiny, tiny treat. Stare at the visuals
for 30 seconds and then look at your hand.
It's like taking LSD but without the fun
giggling part.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Elephant seal <<
Ever wondered what it's like to wake a
sleeping elephant seal? The internet is your
friend my son.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
We're too depressed to write a headline
>> Adez = AIDS? <<
We had much amusement a while back with the
70s diet product Ayds, and on a similar tip
Thomasmhall writes,"My daily wait at Camden
Town tube station was made somewhat brighter
today by an advert for a new soya-based fruit
drink called AdeZ. Surely they must have
thought of the different ways this could be
pronounced before they embarked on a
multi-million pound marketing campaign." We
also like the oxymoronic tag-line, 'a new way
to stay strong.'
http://adez.com/
>> Fiddle Kids! <<
Say you were going to start a summer camp for
children who play the violin? What would you
call it?
http://www.fiddlekids.com/
>> Brown Stars <<
"I saw these crisps in the newsagents next to
work," boasts Bimble, "I know it really says
'Prawn Stars' but it looks almost like 'Brown
Stars'" Heh - and the tag-line 'put your tongue
through the red mill' is simply disgusting.
http://www.snacks.co.uk/grab_02.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Brits In Space Challenge
Last week we focused on the British space
race. With another doomed mission to Mars
planned, we wanted to know how this one would
fail...
Your favourites included:
* TESCO TARDIS - Much like the ill-fated
Beagle project, this is another budget effort
that won't have NASA running scared. (Pachey)
* TEA AND CRUMPETS - Disaster strikes as the
UK space team realise they've left some vital
supplies back on Earth. (prodigy69)
* BLUE PETER - Frighteningly realistic
portrayal of the UK's state-of-the-art space
programme. (fegg)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britsinspace/
>> New challenge: The Future Of Reality TV <<
Every year reality TV gets more and more
extreme, whether it's the Big Brother freak
show or z-listers pleasuring farm animals for
a few column inches. But what does the future
of Reality TV hold? Show us what will be in
next year's schedules...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realitytv/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GOOGLE THINKS WE'RE NAZIS - so says
cybersquatter and they sent us this screengrab
of ads google put on last week's newsletter.
We have to admit that it doesn't look good for
us...
http://www.flirtbymail.co.uk/images/google-ads.jpg
* OPENING COCONUTS - cheesebread's favourite
method "is to put the coconut inside two or
three supermarket plastic bags, tie the
handles securely then throw it at the
pavement. Works a treat." We should add that a
similar trick works well if you're an
impoverished student with no tin opener...
* PLEASE STOP WITH THE HITLER CATS - We've
seen it and, yes, we liked it too. Thanks.
* HUFF THE HEDGEHOG - Poor old Huff, who we
featured in 'Things that make you go ahh' last
month, sadly died this week.
http://www.triagonal.co.uk/Hedgepig/
* PERMANENT MARKER - "The easiest way to get
rid of the marks on a whiteboard," confides
Hamish Bowden, "is just to write over the top
with a non-permanent marker and then use the
eraser. Amazingly, it will come off!"
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* IWILLSTRIPOFFFORAMILLION.COM - the
inevitable conclusion of these pay for pixel
websites. BTW: this is probably going to work
better with a pretty lady than a dorky bloke.
* INNUENDO BAND NAMES - we can think of Velvet
Underground (quim), Pearl Jam and 10CC
(spunk), what others are there?
* A BUCKET THAT LAUGHS AT OUR JOKES
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
superhyperspastic, nealzx6, luvtub, bob.frost,
Felchman, richard, pluke, drdavej, majoringram
& carmencat. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Rock salutes to b4ta. (109425)
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TOP TIP: FINGERPRINTS - If you've accidentally
left a great, greasy paw-print on a glass
screen or on your specs, you can wipe it off
with your knuckle. "It's not as oily as your
fingertip and will lift off the residue
without smearing," confides joefish.
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