NEWSLETTER: "HORRID LINKS, TORRID TALES, FLORID PROSE"
This Week:
* VID - World's Biggest Dominoes?
* STORIES - "I hurt my rude bits"
* FUNNY NAMES AGAIN - This one's a goatse!
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta email 237 - 14 Jul 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue237/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Miller Genuine Draft
Here you go, funny animations from top people
like Joel Veitch and Hoogerbrugge. Can you
think of a better way to spend a few minutes?
http://snipurl.com/themillerway_b3ta
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Legs, Chimes and Kittens
>> Bored Leg Cult <<
Your Ginger Fuhrer was stuck in an office
this week and, whilst waiting for someone
to come out of a meeting, a stranger sent
him a photo of his leg. "Odd", he thought,
"My dad only sent me a photo of his leg
yesterday." And lo, the most pointless
photo cult was born. And here's the spiel:
have you got legs? Are you bored? Join the
Bored Leg Cult and never be bored again.
WARNING: There's a small chance the Bored
Leg Cult might not cure boredom.
http://www.flickr.com/groups/bored_leg_cult/pool/
>> Big Ben strikes thirteen <<
"CaroWallis and I made Big Ben strike thirteen,"
boasts Curis,"and what's more we chronicled this
for the world to see." Heh, we enjoyed this bit
of investigative science. At nine minutes it's
a little long though. You might want to get a
cup of tea first.
http://caroandcuris.blogspot.com/
>> Inappropriate kitten neutering ad <<
It must be fun working for an ad agency in
New Zealand, they clearly care not for the
feelings of the public. Hence this kitty
fiddling poster. (Thanks to NZ correspondent
Ana Samways for spotting it.)
http://www.spareroom.co.nz/2006/07/07/spcas-bad-ta...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Lies I told on my CV
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked about your resume fibs:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/liesonmycv/
* INVENTIVE
"I have had the pleasure of giving a job
to one of the most inventive guys I've ever
met. The interview went really well, we got
on like a house on fire, and he had good
abilities and knowledge. Amongst his many
interesting jobs, one was simply noted as
'Marine Coating and Heating Technician'.
With mental pictures of clever boat
power-systems and oil rig designs, I asked
for more details. He smiled and said
'Summer job at the local Chippy.'"
(Humpty Dumpty was Pushed)
* BAD LUCK
"I occasionally have to do the technical
interviews for people who want to come and
work with whatever company I'm at, so I see
a lot of CVs. Sadly, I've yet to meet a boss
who'll take any notice of my suggestion that
we should randomly split the pile of CVs into
two equal piles and throw one pile in the bin
so that: 'We don't employ any unlucky people
by accident.' BTW: We think we heard this
story before in the the TV show The Office.
But hey, it's funny so we're printing it
anyway. (Legless)
* PORK
"I was interviewing a bloke once and asked
him what his weaknesses were. 'Pork Products.'
he replied, 'and women with big arses'" Yes,
but did he get the job? (Captain Haddock)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about hurting your
rude bits: quims, cocks and bums, it's all
going to be good.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/ihurtmyrudebits/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Worst theme park ever II <<
Last week we linked up a particularly grim theme
park in Egypt. Not to be outdone, Jack_dougherty
informs us of this place in Japan. It's
abandoned rather than just crap, but the photos
have a lovely, spooky quality. TIP: Are you a
pop video director? It would make a great place
for a shoot.
http://home.f01.itscom.net/spiral/t_rando/t_rando1...
>> Loo paper advert <<
Toilet paper adverts are often so coy about the
product - it's for wiping up shit, not the cute
adventures of a playful puppy. Nice to see this
ad making a joke of all the euphemisms for taking
a dump. How many can you get?
http://www.alittlebitrude.co.uk/
>> Image trolling <<
Drawball is a cute site where random punters
can spend their time drawing on a ball - but
the thing is, anyone else can doodle on the
same bit of 'canvas' at the same time. Enjoyed
this one: blokey attempts to draw a dragon
whilst another blokey keeps adding cocks, lols
and googly eyes.
http://best.drawball.com/1145334330
>> Kiddie bum play <<
OLD JOKE: "What do you call a paedophile pirate?
Arr Kelly." Which nicely leads us to this story
of an 8 year old boy who inserted a pirate ship
up his arse.
http://snipurl.com/ahhhkelly
>> Loco Roco racist? <<
Gamers across the country have welcomed the
release of Loco Roco. It's the first game for
the PSP that's actually showing a bit of
competition for the Nintendo DS. But we don't
care about that! We care that someone is kicking
up a negative PR stink that the game is
perpetuating racist stereotypes. Obviously
bollocks of course, but it hasn't stopped loads
of people linking to it. Heh.
http://snipurl.com/locorocoracist
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> House of dominoes <<
Remember Blue Peter in the 80s? If they weren't
starring in porn, dying of AIDS or having
bastard children, the presenters were reporting
on 'the biggest dominoes ever.' Respect to these
chaps who go one louder by using CD cases,
lighters and VHS cassettes, all carefully
positioned around the house. This is art,
motherfucker.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Ham slapping <<
Oh to be a pretty young lady. Whatever you do,
if you film yourself you'll have an audience.
Especially if you slap yourself with ham and
stick gooseberries on your head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Kodak goatse <<
Our first goatse of the week is this fine
re-edit of a Kodak commercial. Simple gag and
pleasing to watch. Depending on how 'pleasing'
you find goatse, of course.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Misheard lyrics part 47 <<
Being old cunts we care not a jot for
contemporary pop music, and so you might
think a misheard lyric for metalcorers (thank
you Wikipedia) Trivium wouldn't tickle our
pickle. However, it's the stupidity of the
words that appeals to us. All together now,
"Boat! Rudder! Lime!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Something else from that Rejected bloke <<
Keen webtwats will remember Don Hertzfeldt's
fantastic 'Rejected' animation. We've only
just noticed this other one featuring a very
evil balloon. Reminds us of Albert Lamorisse's
1955 short, The Red Balloon. But nastier.
http://youtube.com/watch
>> Japanese toilet training video <<
Complete with a half-naked tiger toddler,
shit with a human face and a catchy tune.
It's the anthropomorphisation of poo that
bugs us. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Yay for Germans <<
At risk of turning into a version of Tarrant
on TV with bad jpeg artefacts, here's our
second amusing advert of the week. Nice
little gag so yay for that.
http://www.bestadsontv.com/ad_details.php
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Goaste, a joke that keeps on giving
"Recently I was doing some research for
work and stumbled upon a horrid domain name,"
burbles sarahmeharg, "I bet their web designers
had quite a giggle over this one!" It took us
a second to get this. To spell it out for the
slow people at the back, Go ATC = goatse.
Amused us anyway.
http://www.goatc.com
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: FRIDAY GAME
Memory thingie
Can you remember all the spots? We couldn't
because we're thick and dribble quite a lot.
http://www.robotubegames.com/games/zyrx.swf
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Future Of Reality TV Challenge
Last week we asked you to show us the Reality TV
shows clogging up next year's schedules. You did
just that.
Your favourites included:
* I'M A CELIBATE, GET ME OUT OF HERE - The
Catholic Church has much to gain my making
sure this congregation-attracting concept
gets off the ground.
(Nitrous)
* CAKE OR DEATH - Does exactly what it says on
the cake tin.
(Butters)
* BLAINE ABSTAINS - We can only hope that this
new vehicle for the bug-eyed man of magic
becomes a reality.
(Pachey)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realitytv/
>> New challenge: If Emo Ruled The World <<
If ever a musical movement deserved to be mocked,
it's Emo, refuge of the desperate, the lonely,
and the emotionally unstable. Even the bands are
shite. So let's imagine for a moment that Emo
rules the world, and picture the results...
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/emo/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ADEZ - looks like more than just us think their
product name is foolish. Brent has been checking
their messageboard and reports the following gems:
# I'm finding it hard to get Adez. The man in my
local shop doesn't have it. I think he might have
it soon, though, as I saw him with another man
not long ago. So hopefully I'll have it as well
in a little while!
# I love Adez! I was the first person to get Adez,
and I loved it so much, I gave it to all my friends.
I even gave Adez to my sister. Now, she gives Adez
to all her friends too!”
# I missed your promo in Southampton - can I catch
AdeZ in any other cities in the UK?
* HAIR/SOLDER TIP - r_taylor_85 squeals, "A few
newsletters ago you said that if you burned
yourself with a soldering iron and you touched
your hair really fast, the heat would dissipate
and leave you pain-free! Frying an egg a few
days back, I got splashed with hot oil and
decided now would be the best time to test that
out. I grabbed my hair and lo and behold, no pain!
The method works and has enriched my life." Yay.
We're not there just for photos of kittens and
shit jokes about cocks you know.
* PAPER CLIP BLOKE GETS HOUSE - as reported by
every newspaper on the planet, even the
official B3ta dad called us up and told us
about it.
http://snipurl.com/papercliphousewinner
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BIGGEST SNOT-BALL IN THE WORLD - can you
collect and roll your greenies for a month?
How big can you make it?
* PINT OF SPIT - how long would it take you
to fill a pint by spitting in it? No cheating
by drinking water and dripping it back into
the glass.
* CAN YOU LICK YOUR ELBOW WHILST PATTING
YOUR HEAD? Best tried in company.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by mickeyjuice12, FishNChimps,
Zoo, spunkbasket3000, emoinferno, chriswh2705,
boldswede, bathorycountess, A-sen, smirt,
andrea and kingjay.
Top Tippery by googling "toothpaste tips"
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Nods to b4ta. (109535)
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TOP TIP:
A little toothpaste does an amazing job of
removing scuffs from leather shoes.
