we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* VID - Rainbow remixed
* SITE - Give me back my Google
* URL HACK - TheTechGays.com

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 246 - 15 Sept 2006

Read this issue in your browser:

       Subscribe:  [email protected]
         Unsub:  [email protected]

  Virtual Tattoo Parlour
  Where do you want it? Put a tat on a tit and a
  few other places as well. Personalise your own
  tattoo: a message and a design and place it on
  a number of "interesting areas" on a
  voluptuous Crusty Babe - then see it for real.
  Brilliant? Yes.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Rainbow, Google and satirical URLs

  >> Rainbow Drum'n'Bass <<
  Rainbow, your primer for three:

  * Kids' TV show from the 80s mostly now
  remembered for a notorious 'Christmas tape'
  full of inappropriate innuendo

  * UK rave-popsters The Beloved once sang,
  "Zippy, Bungle, Jeffry Archer, Hello"

  * Bungle was once arrested in a road-rage

  'Nuff facts? Well there's now one more: B3ta
  boarder ScreamingKettle has brought them into
  the early nineties with this nostalgic mash-up
  of the theme tune that just might make you do
  a sex-shit. We know we did.

  >> Give me back my Google << 
  Back in issue 166 we asked you to make a
  version of the internet's favourite search
  engine that was stripped of all the crappy
  price compare sites that clog up the results
  if you're trying to buy a new TV. Bittern
  writes, "Better late than never, I made this
  especially for you, B3ta."

  >> Homophobia or biting satire? <<
  Dr.A barks, "Possibly you are aware of the
  company that provides warranty repairs for PC
  World and Dixons, PC Servicecall. Well, it
  recently changed its name to 'The Tech Guys'.
  In order to congratulate them for thinking of
  a childishly patronising name and alienating
  all their female staff in one fell swoop, I've
  registered thetechgays.com and pointed it at
  their site." OoOOoh, get her!

  >> Rich-Tea challenge <<
  Marky- informs, "Last week you asked 'How long
  would it take to drain an Olympic-sized
  swimming pool using only Rich-Tea biscuits?'
  So I decided to find out. Now you can impress
  your mates down the pub with your superior
  knowledge of 100% impractical Rich-Tea
  information." Heh, good stuff although sadly
  theoretical with no video.


  What the kids are singing about Britney today

  "Half a pint of chloroform
    Making Britney sleepy
  Rape her up the naughty hole
   Pop goes the pee pee" 


  The worst journey in the world

  We wanted your worst ever journeys to make us
  feel better about spending 36 hours in Athens
  airport. There's some truly horrifying stuff
  here that's not for the squeamish, so we've
  picked out three that made us laugh:

    "I was a travel-sickly child. My parents,
    being understanding souls, consequently
    dragged me round the country at speed on a
    regular basis - I saw very little of the
    countryside but loads of the sky from my
    position flat on the back seat trying to
    pretend we weren't moving. I was about 10.
    Dad's been away all week on a works thing
    and, as it's school holidays, Mum drags me
    out on the trip to collect him. 40 miles
    later, I'm green in the back, attempting to
    look pleased at return of absent parent
    whilst simultaneously swallowing rising vom.
    Dad sees my pallor and decides to speed up
    in an attempt to get home more quickly - cue
    tiny child in back seat: 'Can we stop?' Loud
    tut. 'No, I'm on a dual carriageway. Is it
    desperate?' Cheeks and eyes bulge
    dangerously in response. 'I can't stop' Dad
    rolls down the automatic back window, I
    stick my head out and win awards in
    projectile vomiting for England... ...there
    was this guy mowing the grass verge. He had
    no chance. I still wake up sometimes
    remembering his face as he saw us
    approaching." (cisco)
    "Back in the days of slam door trains, on
    the last one from Waterloo, full of pissed
    biznizz people. The train stopped in the
    middle of nowhere. A biznizz man woke up:
    'eh, what?' Picked up his briefcase, brolly,
    jammed his hat on and unsteadily opened the
    door and stepped out.There was a muffled
    thump. A bit later, a hat was thrown in,
    then the brolly, then the briefcase. Hands
    appeared and he hefted himself up, put his
    hat back on, picked up his stuff, said, 'you
    must think me an awful fool' and then
    stepped through the door on the other side."
    "Trying to insert a tampon on a train from
    Rotherham to someplace when the toilet door
    swung open to the busiest train you've ever
    seen..." (DebbiedoesdowntownDerby)

  Congratulations are also due to Arthmelow for
  blindly following directions from multimap.com
  and attempting to drive down this road:

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your moments of unexpected good
  fortune. Talk to us here, you spawny gits:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Best marketing ever? <<
  Our official New Zealand correspondent, Ana,
  chirrups, "Tear into your tomato sauce sachet
  and rip off a kid's foot? Now that's how to
  clear the world of land-mines." Now, we know
  there's a joke about Heather McCartney here,
  but we're far too lazy to write it. Still,
  ballsy marketing though.

  >> Soviet-era mice <<
  Ever wondered what computer mice looked like
  under communism? A bit shit is the
  unsurprising answer. Kinda fascinating in a
  geeksome way. BTW: The rest of the site is
  also worth a read, presenting the oddities of
  Russia for a Western audience.

  >> Bird-feeder of doom <<
  Are you the type of person who likes to feed
  birds, but doesn't want to look like a
  twitching wuss? Then why not mock the very
  birds you are feeding with a cat-shaped
  feeder? Great potential for photos.

  >> The Perry Bible Fellowship <<
  "Having just googled it," whispers Monkeon, "I
  am glad to find out that my favourite comic
  strip, which is normally hidden away somewhere
  in one of the sub-sections of the Guardian,
  has its own website with loads of ones from
  the archive. If you haven't seen them before,
  these are bleeding great." He's right you
  know. Monkeon knows his stuff.

  >> Murder 2.0 <<
  A new problem for social networking sites is
  that every so often, people being people, they
  murder each other. Then journalists google the
  names of the protagonists and find that they
  are members of popular websites. This drags
  the site into the newspapers with a heap of
  negative publicity. In this case we're talking
  Vampire Freaks and, a word to our readers,
  please don't kill anyone! We don't need this
  type of press.



  >> Swearing weather <<
  Imagine you're a weatherman strutting your
  meteorological stuff on TV. Then you muck up
  your line. Do you apologise and carry on? Or
  do you let off a stream of expletives and then
  dumbly grin, knowing your career is over? We'd
  certainly choose the later and we're glad this
  guy did too.

  >> In the Brownies <<
  In the 1970s bearded 'comedian' Billy Connolly
  had a novelty hit with a cover version of
  Tammy Wynette's heartbreaking mawk-fest
  D.I.V.O.R.C.E. His follow up single didn't
  capture the public's mood in quite the same
  way, but it still brings a few cheap giggles
  in B3ta HQ.

  >> Fat kid on roller-coaster <<
  We're not sure what's funnier, the sheer
  terror of the child, or the fact his mother
  doesn't give a shit.



  >> B-day Beyonce <<
  How could a marketing department approve
  Beyonce's decision to call her new album
  B-Day? Hmm, let's check Wikipedia, "A bidet is
  a low-mounted plumbing fixture or type of sink
  intended for washing the external genitalia
  and the anus." She might as well called her
  CD, 'My stinky flaps'.

  >> Foxy Asso Bogroll <<
  Winning the award for the best named
  arse-paper ever is the Italian product 'Foxy


  For when Google can't help

  >> GPS vs. Speedometer <<
  Last week we asked why GPS systems give a
  different speed reading to a car speedometer.
  We received over 100 answers, including this
  from Stalinism who wrote, "By law, speedos are
  allowed to over-read by up to 10%, but are not
  allowed to under-read (so you can never get
  away with speeding by claiming your speedo
  said you were within the limit). Therefore,
  they're usually set to over-read by somewhere
  around 5%, ensuring that they'll never
  under-read. GPSs measure how far you've
  actually gone over the last few seconds, and
  don't have the same rules that encourage
  over-reading. So if you're travelling at a
  constant speed, the GPS will be a more
  accurate measure. Obviously, if you're
  accelerating or braking, then it won't."

  Although Afinkawan pointed out, "Quite clearly
  you should believe your speedo as that's the
  one the you'll have to rely on in court next
  time you get caught doing 100mph."

  This week: -

  >> Visible farts <<
  Munk asks, "If we breath out warm moist gas
  into cold air we can see our 'breath'. So why
  doesn't the same happen on a chilly day when
  we have a trouser burp? Surely, that too is
  warm moist gas?"


  Scary Duck writes a book

  Scary Duck is one of our most committed
  Question Of The Week writers, frequently
  quoted in this newsletter. He's also the
  winner of The Guardian bestest blog compo. And
  now? He's written a book. He sent us a copy
  last night and we were too busy to read it as
  we were writing the newsletter but we chucked
  it at the official B3ta wife (who used to be a
  journalist and got a degree in English from
  top toffs' university Oxford) and she says,
  "lively writing style, funny stories about his
  youth, yep, it's good stuff." So there you go
  Mr Scary Duck, consider your book reviewed!


  Results from the Corporate Disasters Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see the murky results
  of inappropriate corporate take-overs. You

  Your favourites included:
  * LLOYDS FERRARI - Things get a little frisky
  as the black horse and the prancing horse get
  a little, well, horsey (thiswasmyclone)

  * SUPER MARIO BANK - If nothing else, cash
  machines would be a lot more fun (Monkeon)

  * MICROSOFT KWIK-FIT - Bill Gates brings
  Windows customer care techniques to the
  exciting field of automotive repair (Pachey)

  All these images, and the highest as voted for
  by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Egg <<
  The theme of this week's challenge is based on
  a single word: Egg. Yep, anything to do with
  eggs. Do whatever you like. But always
  remember the central theme: Egg.

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * TOMORROW PEOPLE PR0N - "Imagine my shock and
  disgust on reading last week's newsletter 245
  only to discover that the filthy little mind
  of Blackmoon had turned my Mum's caravan in
  the Tomorrow People into a brothel!" bellows
  bullitt. "I'll be sending him my counselling
  bills!" Yes, Bullitt's mum was in the Tomorrow
  People. "She's only in two episodes, but she
  gets a special mention on the DVD box," he
  continues. "I look forward to this week's
  newsletter, hopefully not involving any more
  members of my family!

  * MTV FAN MAIL - "Just wanted to say thanks",
  writes Rusty Shackleford,"for putting my
  animation in last week's newsletter 'When I am
  king this is what will be on TV'. MTV got in
  touch earlier this week and asked me to make
  one for them, and without B3ta's exposure
  there's no way MTV would have been interested.
  Cheers guys." BTW: If you've made a clip you
  want on MTV send them to [email protected]

  * CREATIVE SWEARS - "Insert the word Catamite
  into any basic swear," advises Son of Spock.
  "For example, you might say, 'fuck of you
  dirty shit catamite'."



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * PAT BUTCHER "MONG" - Hankster has captured a
  classic bit of telly, with the Eastenders'
  earring-queen saying on of the best words
  ever. Now we want it mixed to a hardcore beat
  and synced to video.

  * WIMBLEDON PONG would be excellent - please
  somebody make this as a game:

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by BiggsteR,
  edoze, Just Harry, hahn, dazsnow,
  daniel.roberts Top Tippery by
  myhouseandgarden.com Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Poetry by
  Gilgamesh. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Yay to
  b4ta. (110530 - 43248)


  Got blueberry stains on your clothes?. Soak
  the fabric for long time in sour milk rinse
  and wash warm as normal.

next issue »
« previous issue