NEWSLETTER: "DON'T GOOGLE FOR MEATOTOMY"
This Week:
* MASH-UP - X-rated Harry Potter
* RATHERGOOD - Some bollocks about tits
* MEAT CORNER - Your new favourite B3ta section
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 249 - 06 Oct 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue249/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Amnesty International
Torture, executions and rendition make us all
laugh really. Watch a group of four comic
losers trying to get on the Secret Policeman's
Ball:
http://www.amnesty.org.uk/secretpolice/pthplayer.a...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Baps, mp3s and shrooms
>> Can I have a go on your baps? <<
Joel is back to his old self. He's making
flash stuff and being rude again. We like him
like this, and so will you.
http://www.rathergood.com/baps/
>> Music searching machine <<
"Attention broadbandits," barks cr3. "I've
made a new music searching app that lets you
inter-rob mp3s from the super information
A-road that is the web." Particularly like
that it makes a little playlist that lets you
sample the goods before downloading. Get on
there quickly before it's closed down by Tessa
Jowell, minister for anti-fun.
http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/musicplus.php
>> "Where are my drugs?" 2.0 <<
"Hey hey," drawls crazy ray wirestorm, "It's
mushroom season, and I have created a little
tool to help aid budding mycologists." Help
him out by adding in the locations of any
psychoactive fungi you happen on in your own
backyard. Somewhat ambitiously, his map covers
the entire world. Arctic research scientists,
he is waiting for your click.
http://shroomr.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Inappropriate Crushes
We wanted your crushes. And we got them by the
shedload:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crushes/
* BELLY NUZZLIN'
"Miss Bedford - my Junior Kindergarten
teacher. I had the, apparently, mandatory
crush on her. But what made it a little
pervy were my clairvoyant fantasies. I could
see into the future. I was five years old,
knew nothing about sex and my nuts still
resided somwhere behind my lungs. But all I
wanted to do with Miss Bedford was get naked
and rub my belly against hers and I was a
little worried that my willy would get in
the way and get pinched... I have since
found out that ladies have a convenient
receptacle in which to put your willy if you
wish to do a bit of belly rubbing."
(chrobinson)
* SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND?
"A whole squad of us at school used to get
our hair cut at a local barbers solely
because a drop dead gorgeous, and, let's not
beat around the bush, particularly buxom
young lady worked there. We sat in line
waiting to be called over and, once the
nudge-nudge/embarrassment thing was out of
the way, we just sat in stunned silence as
she cut away. If memory serves, she used to
straddle the chair to cut your fringe. It
all went tits-up one afternoon when she
called one of us and dressed him in one of
those stupid nylon hair-cape thingies. After
snipping away for a few minutes, she
suddenly noticed some rhythmic fumbling from
under the nylon sheet and promptly whacked
our pal on the back of the head with a hair
brush, screaming all manner of insults
regarding his perversion. Best bit was, he
was cleaning his glasses under the sheet."
(Compulsive1)
* CLIFF!
"I had a female acquaintance who seemed to
be of the 'mitosis rather than sex' variety,
a displaced Victorian. She invited myself
and my better half to her house one day,
wanting our opinion on Cliff Richard's
musical "Heathcliff". Being Bronte
afficionados, we accepted... After all, how
bad could it be? After showing us about 60
pictures from the special trip to England
and Bronteland for the opening night of the
show, she showed us her bedroom (she was 34
years old at the time). Every, and I mean
EVERY square centimetre of space was covered
by posters, photos, calendars and LP covers
of Cliff Richard. Even the ceiling! To top
it all off, there was a half-size cutout of
Cliff by the bed - she made it herself by
tiling posters. It was like being enclosed
in a suitcase upholstered with Cliff
Richards photos. "You must find him pretty
hot, then," I commented, but she replied
that there was nothing sexual about it and
that she admired his warm personality and
musical skills. Scarred me for life." (pitt
bull badger)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your biggest regrets. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/regrets/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> X-rated Harry Potter <<
Fuckaroo! Enjoyable cut-up of Stephen Fry's
Harry Potter audio books for pornographic
effect. A big prize to the b3tard who goes one
louder and combines his fine Twinings Tea ads
with his recent documentary on depression.
"This everyday tea... gave me suicidal
thoughts."
http://snipurl.com/harrypotterblowjob
>> Line rider <<
Draw a line and a cute little tobogganist uses
it as a ski slope. Starts off simple but then
you start getting ambitious... and sadistic.
One of the hottest games on the internet this
week; check youtube for examples like 'Jump
the Shark'.
http://snipurl.com/linerider
>> Iggy Pop has the funniest roadie <<
Copy of an epic Iggy Pop tour rider that's a
combination of nitty gritty backstage detail
and stream-of-consciousness whimsical
anecdote. Includes "A BMW K1200 RS SE
motorbike. Silver and blue is the nice one.
Well it's worth a try." The final page is an
unexpected bonus.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1004061iggypo...
>> The Executive Coloring Book <<
Satirical activity book for budding
executives; "This is my telephone. It has five
buttons. Count them. One, two, three, four,
five. Five buttons. How many buttons does your
telephone have? Mine has five."
http://snipurl.com/execcoloringbook
>> Dog porthole <<
You can't sell holes to people, so some
enterprising character came up with this
strange porthole. You fit it to the fence so
your dog can snoop on the neighbours - and
appear vaguely nautical.
http://www.petpeek.info/
>> "How long will they last?" <<
It's a favourite game to play in the pub -
looking at a couple and speculating on how
long they'll stay together. This is someone's
go at bringing this joy to the web masses. It
doesn't quite work, the estimates are wildly
out, but it's worth a look.
http://www.weddingbetting.com/
>> Killer ad placement <<
The ad manager must have been screaming blue
murder when this paper hit the stands.
Unfortunate juxtaposition of tragic news story
with 'edgy' ad for CDs. Doh. Reminds us of the
DJ who was left scrabbling around for some
Bing Crosby records after his death was
announced on a news bulletin. Only after he
started playing it did he realise the lyrics
ran, "Heaven, I'm in Heaven..."
http://snipurl.com/killerad
>> Things in rubbers <<
Who would have thought one could derive so
much innocent amusement from a collection of
objects encased in latex prophylactics? But we
did - now you can too.
http://thingsinrubbers.com/
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: MEAT CORNER
Dripping with gravy goodness
>> Human Kidney meal <<
So your friends buy you a human kidney as a
gag - what do you do? This upstanding fellow
cooked it in a gourmet sauce and served it up
to them for dinner. Peculiar story that leaves
an unpleasant taste in the mouth...
http://www.dailygut.com/
>> Watch bacon rot <<
Nothing much on telly? Run out of DVDs? Do
like this bloke and stick some bacon in a
lexan receptacle and watch it decay over a
couple of months. Surprisingly, the egg he put
alongside it still looked okay after the same
amouont of time, although the American Egg
Board advised against eating it. In fact, they
went so far as to warn people to "discard any
perishable product that has been out of the
refrigerator for 2 hours or more." Which
strikes us as a little over-cautious.
http://warehouse.carlh.com/article_108/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Thanks for the bandwidth Mr YouTube
>> World's oldest conjoined twins <<
Meet Lori and Reba Schappell the 45-year-old
twins joined at the skull. What comes across
is that it's like a marriage where you don't
get a night to yourself with the lads. Poor
Lori has to work like a dog to support her
showbiz-loving country singer sister. And Reba
has to endure long and tedious trips to the
supermarket.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Kitten plays the keyboard <<
Now we know how they wrote all those suspense
film soundtracks. Just stick a kitten on an
electronic keyboard and record their clumsy
frolics. And the kittens didn't see a penny of
royalties. Why must Hollywood be so cruel?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitten_plays_the_keyboar...
>> Crap stuntman <<
Local news footage of 'amateur stuntman' Rocky
Murray. He's a brave but clumsy backyard
daredevil and some of the stunts-gone-awry
will make you wince. Actually, he seems to do
a lot of this sort of thing and his site is
really worth a look.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crap_stuntman
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Some bollocks about testicles
"Byggnads!" hollers theboytucker. "It's the
Swedish builders' union. My girlfriend was
given a promotional bag by them, so she now
has a Byggnad sack."
http://www.byggnads.se/byggnads/38499,38492.cs
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: ASK THE B3TARDS
For when Google can't help
>> Bugs vs. the Sun <<
Last week we asked how come, if insects are
attracted to bright lights why don't they just
fly straight into the sun and leave us alone?
There was a wide range of response but thebob
came up with the definitive answer that "moths
navigate using the moon, and when you have a
lightbulb, they fly past, and then think they
have just passed the moon, so they turn around
and go past it again, round and round and
round. That's millennia of evolution for you."
>> Cat tail tantrums <<
This week: - trintrin poses the puzzler, "Why
do all cats seem to absolutely hate it when
you scratch their back near the base of their
tail?" Answers please to the usual address.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Grown-up Toys Challenge
Last week we wanted to see adult updates of
classic kid's games. You went spastic.
Your favourites included:
* PLAYMOBIL - Taking our use of the word
'adult' far too literally. Wank-tastic.
(salad_of_abstraction)
* MONOPOLY - The Grumpy Old Men version. Not
as good as the original. Probably. (Nonny)
* TOP TRUMP DEITIES - Brilliant stuff. Note
the clever lack of an image portaying Allah.
(salvadorevincent)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/grownups/
>> New challenge: Aliens <<
Aliens have finally landed on Earth. But how
would they fit into everyday life... getting
jobs, buying food, relationships, all the
stuff we take for granted? Challenge suggested
by Prodigy69.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/aliens/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* WATERAID WOO - thanks to all the lovely B3ta
readers that have dontated about £600. Hunky
Duncan promises to stick some photos online
soon.
http://www.justgiving.com/DuncanManuel
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: FRIDAY GAME
Infuriating memory game
We like simple games and they don't come much
simpler than this. Shapes are added one at a
time and you have to click on the newbie.
Actually, the simplicity is what makes it
infuriating - the higher it gets, the more
reluctant you get to make an embarrassingly
easy mistake.
http://www.vivalagames.com/play/picto/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MOTHER OR LOVER - photo quiz on whether the
female in a couple is the chaps mum or
girlfriend? Users can upload pics.
* MULTIPLAYER WEB CAM AIRPLANE BATTLE - stand
in front of your webcam with your arms out
like a plane. Fire by shouting
ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-you're dead! And that's
exactly what your opponents see and hear - no
namby-pamby CGI in between. Would be the
biggest thing ever if someone could work out
how to program it.
* THE BOOZE-O-TRON - an easy way to quit
smoking and drinking via gigantic threatening
robots.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by Fiona Silk and others.
Top Tippery by Enigmatic and Fergburger
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Snogs to b4ta with tongues.
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TOP TIP:
For wasp stings put vinegar on the wound. This
neutralises the irritant. But with a bee sting
you have to use bicarbonate of soda because
vinegar has no effect. It's B for
bicarbonate/bees, and V for vinegar/vasps. Yes.
