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This Week:
* MASH-UP - X-rated Harry Potter
* RATHERGOOD - Some bollocks about tits
* MEAT CORNER - Your new favourite B3ta section

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 249 - 06 Oct 2006

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  Amnesty International

  Torture, executions and rendition make us all
  laugh really. Watch a group of four comic
  losers trying to get on the Secret Policeman's

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Baps, mp3s and shrooms

  >> Can I have a go on your baps? <<
  Joel is back to his old self. He's making
  flash stuff and being rude again. We like him
  like this, and so will you.

  >> Music searching machine <<
  "Attention broadbandits," barks cr3. "I've
  made a new music searching app that lets you
  inter-rob mp3s from the super information
  A-road that is the web." Particularly like
  that it makes a little playlist that lets you
  sample the goods before downloading. Get on
  there quickly before it's closed down by Tessa
  Jowell, minister for anti-fun.

  >> "Where are my drugs?" 2.0 <<
  "Hey hey," drawls crazy ray wirestorm, "It's
  mushroom season, and I have created a little
  tool to help aid budding mycologists." Help
  him out by adding in the locations of any
  psychoactive fungi you happen on in your own
  backyard. Somewhat ambitiously, his map covers
  the entire world. Arctic research scientists,
  he is waiting for your click.


  Inappropriate Crushes

  We wanted your crushes. And we got them by the

    "Miss Bedford - my Junior Kindergarten
    teacher. I had the, apparently, mandatory
    crush on her. But what made it a little
    pervy were my clairvoyant fantasies. I could
    see into the future. I was five years old,
    knew nothing about sex and my nuts still
    resided somwhere behind my lungs. But all I
    wanted to do with Miss Bedford was get naked
    and rub my belly against hers and I was a
    little worried that my willy would get in
    the way and get pinched... I have since
    found out that ladies have a convenient
    receptacle in which to put your willy if you
    wish to do a bit of belly rubbing."
    "A whole squad of us at school used to get
    our hair cut at a local barbers solely
    because a drop dead gorgeous, and, let's not
    beat around the bush, particularly buxom
    young lady worked there. We sat in line
    waiting to be called over and, once the
    nudge-nudge/embarrassment thing was out of
    the way, we just sat in stunned silence as
    she cut away. If memory serves, she used to
    straddle the chair to cut your fringe. It
    all went tits-up one afternoon when she
    called one of us and dressed him in one of
    those stupid nylon hair-cape thingies. After
    snipping away for a few minutes, she
    suddenly noticed some rhythmic fumbling from
    under the nylon sheet and promptly whacked
    our pal on the back of the head with a hair
    brush, screaming all manner of insults
    regarding his perversion. Best bit was, he
    was cleaning his glasses under the sheet."
  * CLIFF!
    "I had a female acquaintance who seemed to
    be of the 'mitosis rather than sex' variety,
    a displaced Victorian. She invited myself
    and my better half to her house one day,
    wanting our opinion on Cliff Richard's
    musical "Heathcliff". Being Bronte
    afficionados, we accepted... After all, how
    bad could it be? After showing us about 60
    pictures from the special trip to England
    and Bronteland for the opening night of the
    show, she showed us her bedroom (she was 34
    years old at the time). Every, and I mean
    EVERY square centimetre of space was covered
    by posters, photos, calendars and LP covers
    of Cliff Richard. Even the ceiling! To top
    it all off, there was a half-size cutout of
    Cliff by the bed - she made it herself by
    tiling posters. It was like being enclosed
    in a suitcase upholstered with Cliff
    Richards photos. "You must find him pretty
    hot, then," I commented, but she replied
    that there was nothing sexual about it and
    that she admired his warm personality and
    musical skills. Scarred me for life." (pitt
    bull badger)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your biggest regrets. Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  >> X-rated Harry Potter <<
  Fuckaroo! Enjoyable cut-up of Stephen Fry's
  Harry Potter audio books for pornographic
  effect. A big prize to the b3tard who goes one
  louder and combines his fine Twinings Tea ads
  with his recent documentary on depression.
  "This everyday tea... gave me suicidal

  >> Line rider <<
  Draw a line and a cute little tobogganist uses
  it as a ski slope. Starts off simple but then
  you start getting ambitious... and sadistic.
  One of the hottest games on the internet this
  week; check youtube for examples like 'Jump
  the Shark'.

  >> Iggy Pop has the funniest roadie <<
  Copy of an epic Iggy Pop tour rider that's a
  combination of nitty gritty backstage detail
  and stream-of-consciousness whimsical
  anecdote. Includes "A BMW K1200 RS SE
  motorbike. Silver and blue is the nice one.
  Well it's worth a try." The final page is an
  unexpected bonus.

  >> The Executive Coloring Book <<
  Satirical activity book for budding
  executives; "This is my telephone. It has five
  buttons. Count them. One, two, three, four,
  five. Five buttons. How many buttons does your
  telephone have? Mine has five."

  >> Dog porthole <<
  You can't sell holes to people, so some
  enterprising character came up with this
  strange porthole. You fit it to the fence so
  your dog can snoop on the neighbours - and
  appear vaguely nautical.

  >> "How long will they last?" <<
  It's a favourite game to play in the pub -
  looking at a couple and speculating on how
  long they'll stay together. This is someone's
  go at bringing this joy to the web masses. It
  doesn't quite work, the estimates are wildly
  out, but it's worth a look.

  >> Killer ad placement <<
  The ad manager must have been screaming blue
  murder when this paper hit the stands.
  Unfortunate juxtaposition of tragic news story
  with 'edgy' ad for CDs. Doh. Reminds us of the
  DJ who was left scrabbling around for some
  Bing Crosby records after his death was
  announced on a news bulletin. Only after he
  started playing it did he realise the lyrics
  ran, "Heaven, I'm in Heaven..."

  >> Things in rubbers <<
  Who would have thought one could derive so
  much innocent amusement from a collection of
  objects encased in latex prophylactics? But we
  did - now you can too.


  Dripping with gravy goodness   

  >> Human Kidney meal <<
  So your friends buy you a human kidney as a
  gag - what do you do? This upstanding fellow
  cooked it in a gourmet sauce and served it up
  to them for dinner. Peculiar story that leaves
  an unpleasant taste in the mouth... 

  >> Watch bacon rot <<
  Nothing much on telly? Run out of DVDs? Do
  like this bloke and stick some bacon in a
  lexan receptacle and watch it decay over a
  couple of months. Surprisingly, the egg he put
  alongside it still looked okay after the same
  amouont of time, although the American Egg
  Board advised against eating it. In fact, they
  went so far as to warn people to "discard any
  perishable product that has been out of the
  refrigerator for 2 hours or more." Which
  strikes us as a little over-cautious.


  Thanks for the bandwidth Mr YouTube
  >> World's oldest conjoined twins <<
  Meet Lori and Reba Schappell the 45-year-old
  twins joined at the skull. What comes across
  is that it's like a marriage where you don't
  get a night to yourself with the lads. Poor
  Lori has to work like a dog to support her
  showbiz-loving country singer sister. And Reba
  has to endure long and tedious trips to the

  >> Kitten plays the keyboard <<
  Now we know how they wrote all those suspense
  film soundtracks. Just stick a kitten on an
  electronic keyboard and record their clumsy
  frolics. And the kittens didn't see a penny of
  royalties. Why must Hollywood be so cruel?

  >> Crap stuntman <<
  Local news footage of 'amateur stuntman' Rocky
  Murray. He's a brave but clumsy backyard
  daredevil and some of the stunts-gone-awry
  will make you wince. Actually, he seems to do
  a lot of this sort of thing and his site is
  really worth a look.


  Some bollocks about testicles

  "Byggnads!" hollers theboytucker. "It's the
  Swedish builders' union. My girlfriend was
  given a promotional bag by them, so she now
  has a Byggnad sack."


  For when Google can't help

  >> Bugs vs. the Sun <<
  Last week we asked how come, if insects are
  attracted to bright lights why don't they just
  fly straight into the sun and leave us alone?
  There was a wide range of response but thebob
  came up with the definitive answer that "moths
  navigate using the moon, and when you have a
  lightbulb, they fly past, and then think they
  have just passed the moon, so they turn around
  and go past it again, round and round and
  round. That's millennia of evolution for you."

  >> Cat tail tantrums <<
  This week: - trintrin poses the puzzler, "Why
  do all cats seem to absolutely hate it when
  you scratch their back near the base of their
  tail?" Answers please to the usual address.


  Results from the Grown-up Toys Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see adult updates of
  classic kid's games. You went spastic.

  Your favourites included:
  * PLAYMOBIL - Taking our use of the word
  'adult' far too literally. Wank-tastic.

  * MONOPOLY - The Grumpy Old Men version. Not
  as good as the original. Probably. (Nonny)

  * TOP TRUMP DEITIES - Brilliant stuff. Note
  the clever lack of an image portaying Allah.

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Aliens <<
  Aliens have finally landed on Earth. But how
  would they fit into everyday life... getting
  jobs, buying food, relationships, all the
  stuff we take for granted? Challenge suggested
  by Prodigy69.



  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * WATERAID WOO - thanks to all the lovely B3ta
  readers that have dontated about £600. Hunky
  Duncan promises to stick some photos online


  Infuriating memory game

  We like simple games and they don't come much
  simpler than this. Shapes are added one at a
  time and you have to click on the newbie.
  Actually, the simplicity is what makes it
  infuriating - the higher it gets, the more
  reluctant you get to make an embarrassingly
  easy mistake.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MOTHER OR LOVER - photo quiz on whether the
  female in a couple is the chaps mum or
  girlfriend? Users can upload pics.

  in front of your webcam with your arms out
  like a plane. Fire by shouting
  ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-you're dead! And that's
  exactly what your opponents see and hear - no
  namby-pamby CGI in between. Would be the
  biggest thing ever if someone could work out
  how to program it.

  * THE BOOZE-O-TRON - an easy way to quit
  smoking and drinking via gigantic threatening

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by Fiona Silk and others.
  Top Tippery by Enigmatic and Fergburger 
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Snogs to b4ta with tongues. 


  For wasp stings put vinegar on the wound. This
  neutralises the irritant. But with a bee sting
  you have to use bicarbonate of soda because
  vinegar has no effect. It's B for
  bicarbonate/bees, and V for vinegar/vasps. Yes.

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