NEWSLETTER: "A LOAD OF TOSS-BOLLOCKS FOR YOU TO STICK IN YOUR BROWSER-CUNTS"
This Week:
* INTERVIEW - Ambulance man talks
* WEEBL - Fuck me, it's Magical Trevor 4
* TESCOS - DIY Taser
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 252 - 03 Nov 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue252/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Ambulance, Goatse, Weebl & Tescos
>> Interview with an Ambulance <<
Remember Random Acts of Reality? Tom Reynolds
blog, we linked it, ooh ages ago saying,
"Publishers: sign up this guy to write a book,
really - you'd have a surprise hit on your
hands." Mainly as an excuse to point out that
we're right (his book is now Top 10), here's a
lovely interview. (And sorry to Tom for
filling his interview with mental photoshops.
You didn't send us any photos!)
http://b3ta.com/interview/tomreynolds/
>> Goatse calendar <<
"I made a shock site calendar", boasts
crooked, "for my friend who is going away to
join the Navy." Warning. Not exactly safe for
work, or even home, unless you work for the
Jim Rose Circus Side-show.
http://penislol.com/shocksitecalendar.html
>> Magical Trevor 4 <<
Not afraid of the sequel is our kid, Jonti.
This time Magical Trevor is back and this time
featuring a rather pleasing haddock / havoc
rhyme.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/magical+trevor+4...
>> Tesco value taser <<
"Please will you look at my TESCO VALUE TASER
project on and consider putting it in the
newsletter", pleads dansprojector, "I love
b3ta." Well, considering we like flattery,
you're in! Actually, this is a completely
mental idea and we love it. Could do with some
video though.
http://dansprojector.livejournal.com/82443.html
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Not losing your Virginity
It occurred to us that the times you'd turned
down the opportunity to lose your virginity
would probably be far more interesting than
the time you did (although those were pretty
good too - see the questions archive for
details):
http://b3ta.com/questions/notlosingyourvirginity/
* £19.95 Light Tan Cowboy Boots.
Late 70s, the coolest things were cowboy boots
and tight jeans. I was never cool but decided
I would join the cool set. New boots - check.
Tight jeans - check. Check shirt - check. I
looked *soooo* cool. Party, two cans of lager,
loud music on the "Entertainment Centre".
Rather large girl appears who I've seen
occasionally round school. Necking starts,
then tongues, then touching. Can't believe my
luck. About an hour later, "You can walk me
home if you like, my parents are out tonight".
Bloody Hell, I might actually do it for the
first time. It's really, really, really going
to happen. I can't believe it! Oh bless those
boots for making me look so cool! I am a sex
God! Commence walking her home stopping every
50 yards for cuddles and more fumblings. "How
far is it to your house?" I ask, toes becoming
sore and very pinched. About two miles further
on, my feet are in agony, I'm sitting down
every few yards. "Not much further" "Not much
further" "Not much further" Boots off, it
starts to rain. Feet cold, wet, sore, erection
gone, I know I have to walk about three miles
home. Sobering up, she's not good looking, I
make my excuses and kiss her tenderly
goodnight. We go our separate ways. The
pleasure of getting home was incredible, I sat
and cried with relief. I also cried myself to
sleep the next night when I found out my
mission had failed at the end of her street.
DAMN YOU £19.95 LIGHT TAN COWBOY BOOTS."
(Unklian)
* So, so many times
"Such as when I puked rich, brown cider-
flavoured vomit over the lovely Julia's milky
white breasts mat the vital moment. Such as
when I took the equally lovely Debbie to see a
band. Ultravox. She fled. Such as the time I
went swimming with the gorgeous Lea, and
laughed at her fat arse after she told me not
to laugh at her fat arse. ...and, shamefully,
completely failing to get the message when the
ravenous Mwfanwy spread-eagled herself across
the snooker table when I was lining up a shot.
I failed to pot the pink, and then failed to
pot the pink." (Scaryduck)
* My parents had decided to go on holiday
without me and my older brother. I was going
out with a lovely young lady at the time who
was very open, forward, fit and most
importantly, filth. After many years of
waiting and er, performing solo I was going to
get some. Just as long as my brother pissed
off for the night. I convinced my big brother
to politely fuck off and leave me and the
missus alone. I reckon 5 minutes would have
probably done but he agreed to leave for the
night - all too willingly. As soon as he left
the house I began getting ready, tidying the
house and was relieving the pressure with a
quick menage a un when my brother and 3 of his
friends burst into my room, pinned me to my
bed and proceed to cover my crotch with green
food dye, leaving me with Grotbags' thumb
hanging out my pants. My girlfriend was due
round any minute and as this was pre-mobile
era, there was nothing I could do to stop her.
Being a man, British and proud, I did the
brave thing and cried like a little girl until
the missus came round, then hid Orvilleís wing
tip, dried my eyes and let her in. She only
wanted one thing and pestered me all night but
I was too embarrassed to let her know what had
happened and instead told her things were
moving too fast (smooth) and that we should
take our time. Two days later I was dumped for
being a frigid twat. It was a good few months
before mini hulk looked more ike Dr. Banner
again and three years before I finally got
some." (Let's all have an asbo )
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your dentist stories. Talk to us, if
you still can with all that metalwork in there:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dentists/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Minging celebrity recipes <<
Mouth watering at the prospect of munching on
Gabby Logan's Warm Tuna Salad? Perhaps you'd
like to sample Donna Air's Special Porridge or
Esther Rantzen's Fish Pie. Eww. They are all
recipes supposedly submitted by celebs to this
glossy magazine. But was Cheese on Toast
really the best Kerry Katona could come up
with?
http://www.nowmagazine.co.uk/celebrity_bites/
>> 102 personal finance tips <<
Hey, it's not all kittens and booze at B3ta
Towers. The other night we were pondering the
future while counting out small piles of tiny
coins. But we found this list of basic
financial advice pretty interesting. If a bit
American.
http://snipurl.com/cashisking
>> Inexplicably ugly model <<
We understand the principle of using pictures
of a pretty girl to sell stuff like make-up or
chocolate. But we can't get our heads around
how a bloke in Buffy scare-makup is supposed
to make us buy car insurance. Look at his dead
eyes. Like a fish. Brrr.
http://www.surfandprotect.com/default.asp
>> Sex toy legalese <<
Extraordinarily full legal description of a
patent dildo and how to use it. It's
painstakingly detailed to the point of being
absolute gibberish. And what on earth is a
'sexual preference transfer function'?
http://snipurl.com/davessextoylink
>> The lift with no floor <<
The sign on the door says "work in progress"
but you step right into the lift when it
arrives to find... no floor? It's just some
Julain Beever-style optical trickery - used
for evil.
http://www.hemmy.net/2006/10/03/elevator-floor-ill...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Sad little seal
Awww. This newborn baby Australian fur seal
has that combination of innocent charm and
subtle melancholy that pushes our buttons so
well. So cute we'd love to kick its face off
and wear it as a hat - thanks Greenpeace!
http://snipurl.com/greenpeacesmellofwee
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
We remember when YouTube replied to our emails
>> Communist sausages <<
Who couldn't love this cheery meats ad from
Hungary's whacky 1970s? Great song, speedy
action - sausages look like greasy turds
though.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Suasages_Borat_stylee
>> Will it blend? <<
Genius marketing from a US blender company.
Get a Shatner-type in a white coat to
demonstrate the product's preternatural
blending abilities by taking on challenging
materials. This particular clip features
marbles being ground down into so much glass
dust. Fuck knows who's going to need something
that strong - someone who eats diamonds?
http://youtube.com/watch
>> Spock soap powder <<
Admen in the 60s clearly knew the way to tap
into the minds of house-proud mums. And that
way was through sci-fi! Behold: a washing
powder of the far-flung future to clean your
family's clothes whatever the temperature!
http://youtube.com/watch
>> "My anniversary video" <<
Ostensibly a romantic video made by a bloke
for his girlfriend, keep an eye out for the
subtle hidden agenda.
http://www.lulu.tv/
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Aiiee! The beast that would not die returns
>> Melissa Mong <<
Fourth row down, far right. The 1995 winner of
Miss Armstrong County is a very pretty Mong
indeed.
http://www.missarmstrongcounty.org/Formers.htm
>> FK2 0FF <<
The residents of this Falkirk street are
blessed with an exceptionally confrontational
postcode. We're somewhat jealous of the cachet
it lends them.
http://snipurl.com/googlecraps
>> Cumflow <<
"Ho ho ho," chortles Albert the Mildly
Deranged. "My University has rather amusingly
named cement mixers." And he sent us the snaps
to prove it:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/6457128
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: B3TA VS VIRGIN
Compo winners announced!
Last week we ran an image competition with
Virgin Money, and to be honest it all went a
bit mental. You lot made lots of rude images
and the client pulled the challenge. This
caused a small media shit storm and ended up
in the papers (stick B3ta into google news if
you don't believe us). Anyway, all's well that
ends well as Virgin got loads of publicity
and we got a little bit of positive press for
the Sick Joke Book. Funny how things turn out.
PSPs are going to Happy Toast, Jeccy,
Afinkawan & spottedbeetle, with an Xbox 360 to
Monkdagola.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Icon Challenge
After the Virgin thing was pulled we replaced
it with a "make a tiny icon" thing that board
members can place by their username in
exchange for cool, cool, cash.
You lot made fucking hundreds of the little
shits and now we've got icons dripping out our
cocks. Anyway, we picked a handful of retro
ones for this quarters selection, so thanks to
Mystery Bob, Mutated Monty and Teedyay for
that.
Check the blog on our FP for details.
http://b3ta.com/
>> New challenge: New Flags <<
Let's face it: the flags used by most
countries are too old to represent them today
- and it's time they were updated to reflect
this. So design a new flag for an old country.
Challenge suggested by Art101.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/flags/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* "HEY HEY 16K writer MJ Hibbett has had a
resurgence of sales off the back of the Gay
Train video I made for him," reports ginger
furher Rob Manuel. "Not for the album though -
for the Hey Hey 16k shirt he wore in every
shot."
* ENDURANCE-BIKING B3TA BROTHER, hunky Duncan
Manuel Duncan finished his race and made over
£3,000 for Water Aid. (Who we've always felt a
little guilty about, as we once pointed out
their logo looked like a cock, and
mysteriously they changed it only a few months
later. Sorry if we wasted your cash guys.)
http://snipurl.com/duncanmanuelbikenut
* BACON VODKA - US correspondent
cherryredpinup tells us, "There is a bar in
Vegas called the Double Down saloon which
serves, what they call a Bacon Martini.
Basically a bottle of voddy with some bacon in
the bottom that has been there so long it's
gone all grey. It looks more than a little
jizzy. Never seen anyone drink it, but then
American bacon isn't very good."
* SATNAV ON MOBILES - "Check out the Nokia
N95, which is coming out in January 2007...
(or thereabouts)" suggests mark.mclaughlin and
many many others. You bunch of fucking nerds.
* BLOODSTAINS - controversy still rages as to
how best remove them from our gardening gloves
etc. Midwifery student Woekitten says, "For
still-wet stains, you use COLD water and
sponge it. For DRY stains, you actually need
hydrogen peroxide in a very weak solution.
Pour the solution on the carpet, and it will
bubble and fizz as it removes the blood. Blot
with a damp cloth, and continue applying
solution and blotting until the stain has
gone." Woo.
* BOOK PLUG - Dave Stripeyjumper seethes, "I
also have a book out at the moment and wish
I'd thought of a line like 'Buy our book, else
we'll shit through your letterbox. Since
you're clearly better at this promotion
business than me, got any ideas on how I can
sell more copies of e-luv?" We'll let you use
our 'shit through the letterbox' strategy, if
you like. For a modest fee. Oh sod it, here's
a link to his book. BTW: Coincidentally we've
just realised that the cover was designed by
B3ta's own Denise Wilton. Small world, etc.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/095483188...
* MOTHER OR LOVER - "I made Mother or Lover
for you, as mentioned in the other week's
newsletter," confides sam loves rainbows. Good
stuff, although it needs you, dear reader, to
submit a few more images in order to work at
its very peak.
http://samueldavid.co.uk/motherorlover/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Tricky, trickzy game
"This link asks 'are you smart?'", mews
Monkeycat, "Well, it appears I'm not as my
record score is 20.101 seconds." A devilishly
difficult multitasking game, can you beat
Monkeycat?
http://www.zanorg.com/prodperso/jeuxchiants/double...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A MONEY TREE - we've heard them mentioned,
they sound exciting. Have you got one? Can we
take a cutting?
* BABY THAT CLEANS UP IT'S OWN SHIT - surely
science can give us an answer here?
* IRRITATION FILTER - forget spam filters,
can't Gmail delete ALL the irritating emails
before we even read them?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Parrot of
doom, ricky.davison, gallacter, jonnyfatman,
peacelove_deathmetal,MontyPropps, ixnay,
Kundalini, Kingtoke, and some other lovely
cunts. Top Tippery by Easty Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Holding your tongue to the roof of your mouth
can help prevent an ice cream headache.
