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This Week:
* INTERVIEW - Ambulance man talks
* WEEBL - Fuck me, it's Magical Trevor 4
* TESCOS - DIY Taser

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 252 - 03 Nov 2006

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  Are you a crap golfer?

  "Are you really really bad at golf? Profit
  from your handicap by uploading a video of
  your swing to try to win a Nokia N93 golf
  edition device. Don't play? Then just laugh at

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Our sexy team of sales people are positively
  quivering in anticipation of your contact.


  Ambulance, Goatse, Weebl & Tescos

  >> Interview with an Ambulance <<
  Remember Random Acts of Reality? Tom Reynolds
  blog, we linked it, ooh ages ago saying,
  "Publishers: sign up this guy to write a book,
  really - you'd have a surprise hit on your
  hands." Mainly as an excuse to point out that
  we're right (his book is now Top 10), here's a
  lovely interview. (And sorry to Tom for
  filling his interview with mental  photoshops.
  You didn't send us any photos!)

  >> Goatse calendar <<
  "I made a shock site calendar", boasts
  crooked, "for my friend who is going away to
  join the Navy." Warning. Not exactly safe for
  work, or even home, unless you work for the
  Jim Rose Circus Side-show.

  >> Magical Trevor 4 <<
  Not afraid of the sequel is our kid, Jonti.
  This time Magical Trevor is back and this time
  featuring a rather pleasing haddock / havoc

  >> Tesco value taser <<
  "Please will you look at my TESCO VALUE TASER
  project on and consider putting it in the
  newsletter", pleads dansprojector, "I love
  b3ta." Well, considering we like flattery,
  you're in! Actually, this is a completely
  mental idea and we love it. Could do with some
  video though.


  Not losing your Virginity

  It occurred to us that the times you'd turned
  down the opportunity to lose your virginity
  would probably be far more interesting than
  the time you did (although those were pretty
  good too - see the questions archive for

  * £19.95 Light Tan Cowboy Boots.
	Late 70s, the coolest things were cowboy boots
	and tight jeans. I was never cool but decided
	I would join the cool set. New boots - check.
	Tight jeans - check. Check shirt - check. I
	looked *soooo* cool. Party, two cans of lager,
	loud music on the "Entertainment Centre".
	Rather large girl appears who I've seen
	occasionally round school. Necking starts,
	then tongues, then touching. Can't believe my
	luck. About an hour later, "You can walk me
	home if you like, my parents are out tonight".
	Bloody Hell, I might actually do it for the
	first time. It's really, really, really going
	to happen. I can't believe it! Oh bless those
	boots for making me look so cool! I am a sex
	God! Commence walking her home stopping every
	50 yards for cuddles and more fumblings. "How
	far is it to your house?" I ask, toes becoming
	sore and very pinched. About two miles further
	on, my feet are in agony, I'm sitting down
	every few yards. "Not much further" "Not much
	further" "Not much further" Boots off, it
	starts to rain. Feet cold, wet, sore, erection
	gone, I know I have to walk about three miles
	home. Sobering up, she's not good looking, I
	make my excuses and kiss her tenderly
	goodnight. We go our separate ways. The
	pleasure of getting home was incredible, I sat
	and cried with relief. I also cried myself to
	sleep the next night when I found out my
	mission had failed at the end of her street.

  * So, so many times
  "Such as when I puked rich, brown cider-
  flavoured vomit over the lovely Julia's milky
  white breasts mat the vital moment. Such as
  when I took the equally lovely Debbie to see a
  band. Ultravox. She fled. Such as the time I
  went swimming with the gorgeous Lea, and
  laughed at her fat arse after she told me not
  to laugh at her fat arse. ...and, shamefully,
  completely failing to get the message when the
  ravenous Mwfanwy spread-eagled herself across
  the snooker table when I was lining up a shot.
  I failed to pot the pink, and then failed to
  pot the pink." (Scaryduck)
  * My parents had decided to go on holiday
  without me and my older brother. I was going
  out with a lovely young lady at the time who
  was very open, forward, fit and most
  importantly, filth. After many years of
  waiting and er, performing solo I was going to
  get some. Just as long as my brother pissed
  off for the night. I convinced my big brother
  to politely fuck off and leave me and the
  missus alone. I reckon 5 minutes would have
  probably done but he agreed to leave for the
  night - all too willingly. As soon as he left
  the house I began getting ready, tidying the
  house and was relieving the pressure with a
  quick menage a un when my brother and 3 of his
  friends burst into my room, pinned me to my
  bed and proceed to cover my crotch with green
  food dye, leaving me with Grotbags' thumb
  hanging out my pants. My girlfriend was due
  round any minute and as this was pre-mobile
  era, there was nothing I could do to stop her.
  Being a man, British and proud, I did the
  brave thing and cried like a little girl until
  the missus came round, then hid Orvilleís wing
  tip, dried my eyes and let her in. She only
  wanted one thing and pestered me all night but
  I was too embarrassed to let her know what had
  happened and instead told her things were
  moving too fast (smooth) and that we should
  take our time. Two days later I was dumped for
  being a frigid twat. It was a good few months
  before mini hulk looked more ike Dr. Banner
  again and three years before I finally got
  some." (Let's all have an asbo )

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your dentist stories. Talk to us, if
  you still can with all that metalwork in there:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Minging celebrity recipes <<
  Mouth watering at the prospect of munching on
  Gabby Logan's Warm Tuna Salad? Perhaps you'd
  like to sample Donna Air's Special Porridge or
  Esther Rantzen's Fish Pie. Eww. They are all
  recipes supposedly submitted by celebs to this
  glossy magazine. But was Cheese on Toast
  really the best Kerry Katona could come up

  >> 102 personal finance tips <<
  Hey, it's not all kittens and booze at B3ta
  Towers. The other night we were pondering the
  future while counting out small piles of tiny
  coins. But we found this list of basic
  financial advice pretty interesting. If a bit

  >> Inexplicably ugly model <<
  We understand the principle of using pictures
  of a pretty girl to sell stuff like make-up or
  chocolate. But we can't get our heads around
  how a bloke in Buffy scare-makup is supposed
  to make us buy car insurance. Look at his dead
  eyes. Like a fish. Brrr.

  >> Sex toy legalese <<
  Extraordinarily full legal description of a
  patent dildo and how to use it. It's
  painstakingly detailed to the point of being
  absolute gibberish. And what on earth is a
  'sexual preference transfer function'?

  >> The lift with no floor <<
  The sign on the door says "work in progress"
  but you step right into the lift when it
  arrives to find... no floor? It's just some
  Julain Beever-style optical trickery - used
  for evil.


  Sad little seal

  Awww. This newborn baby Australian fur seal
  has that combination of innocent charm and
  subtle melancholy that pushes our buttons so
  well. So cute we'd love to kick its face off
  and wear it as a hat - thanks Greenpeace!


  We remember when YouTube replied to our emails

  >> Communist sausages <<
  Who couldn't love this cheery meats ad from
  Hungary's whacky 1970s? Great song, speedy
  action - sausages look like greasy turds

  >> Will it blend? <<
  Genius marketing from a US blender company.
  Get a Shatner-type in a white coat to
  demonstrate the product's preternatural
  blending abilities by taking on challenging
  materials. This particular clip features
  marbles being ground down into so much glass
  dust. Fuck knows who's going to need something
  that strong - someone who eats diamonds?

  >> Spock soap powder <<
  Admen in the 60s clearly knew the way to tap
  into the minds of house-proud mums. And that
  way was through sci-fi! Behold: a washing
  powder of the far-flung future to clean your
  family's clothes whatever the temperature!

  >> "My anniversary video" <<
  Ostensibly a romantic video made by a bloke
  for his girlfriend, keep an eye out for the
  subtle hidden agenda.


  Aiiee! The beast that would not die returns

  >> Melissa Mong <<
  Fourth row down, far right. The 1995 winner of
  Miss Armstrong County is a very pretty Mong

  >> FK2 0FF <<
  The residents of this Falkirk street are
  blessed with an exceptionally confrontational
  postcode. We're somewhat jealous of the cachet
  it lends them.

 >> Cumflow <<
 "Ho ho ho," chortles Albert the Mildly
 Deranged. "My University has rather amusingly
 named cement mixers." And he sent us the snaps
 to prove it:


  Compo winners announced!

  Last week we ran an  image competition with
  Virgin Money, and to be honest it all went a
  bit mental.  You lot made lots of rude images
  and the client pulled the challenge. This 
  caused a small media shit storm and ended up
  in the papers (stick  B3ta into google news if
  you don't believe us). Anyway, all's well that
  ends  well as Virgin got loads of publicity
  and we got a little bit  of positive press for
  the Sick Joke Book. Funny how things turn  out.

  PSPs are going to Happy  Toast, Jeccy,
  Afinkawan & spottedbeetle, with an Xbox 360 to


  Results from the Icon Challenge

  After the Virgin thing was pulled we replaced
  it with a "make a tiny icon" thing that board
  members can place by their username in
  exchange for cool, cool, cash.

  You lot made fucking hundreds of the little
  shits and now we've got icons dripping out our
  cocks. Anyway, we picked a handful of retro
  ones for this quarters selection, so thanks to
  Mystery Bob, Mutated Monty and Teedyay for
  Check the blog on our FP for details.

  >> New challenge: New Flags <<
  Let's face it: the flags used by most
  countries are too old to represent them today
  - and it's time they were updated to reflect
  this. So design a new flag for an old country.
  Challenge suggested by Art101.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * "HEY HEY 16K writer MJ Hibbett has had a
  resurgence of sales off the back of the Gay
  Train video I made for him," reports ginger
  furher Rob Manuel. "Not for the album though -
  for the Hey Hey 16k shirt he wore in every

  Manuel Duncan finished his race and made over
  £3,000 for Water Aid. (Who we've always felt a
  little guilty about, as we once pointed out
  their logo looked like a cock, and
  mysteriously they changed it only a few months
  later. Sorry if we wasted your cash guys.)

  * BACON VODKA - US correspondent
  cherryredpinup tells us, "There is a bar in
  Vegas called the Double Down saloon which
  serves, what they call a Bacon Martini.
  Basically a bottle of voddy with some bacon in
  the bottom that has been there so long it's
  gone all grey. It looks more than a little
  jizzy. Never seen anyone drink it, but then
  American bacon isn't very good."

  * SATNAV ON MOBILES - "Check out the Nokia
  N95, which is coming out in January 2007...
  (or thereabouts)" suggests mark.mclaughlin and
  many many others. You bunch of fucking nerds.

  * BLOODSTAINS - controversy still rages as to
  how best remove them from our gardening gloves
  etc. Midwifery student Woekitten says, "For
  still-wet stains, you use COLD water and
  sponge it. For DRY stains, you actually need
  hydrogen peroxide in a very weak solution.
  Pour the solution on the carpet, and it will
  bubble and fizz as it removes the blood. Blot
  with a damp cloth, and continue applying
  solution and blotting until the stain has
  gone." Woo.

  * BOOK PLUG - Dave Stripeyjumper seethes, "I
  also have a book out at the moment and wish
  I'd thought of a line like 'Buy our book, else
  we'll shit through your letterbox. Since
  you're clearly better at this promotion
  business than me, got any ideas on how I can
  sell more copies of e-luv?" We'll let you use
  our 'shit through the letterbox' strategy, if
  you like. For a modest fee. Oh sod it, here's
  a link to his book. BTW: Coincidentally we've
  just realised that the cover was designed by
  B3ta's own Denise Wilton. Small world, etc.

  * MOTHER OR LOVER - "I made Mother or Lover
  for you, as mentioned in the other week's
  newsletter," confides sam loves rainbows. Good
  stuff, although it needs you, dear reader, to
  submit a few more images in order to work at
  its very peak.


  Tricky, trickzy game

  "This link asks 'are you smart?'", mews
  Monkeycat, "Well, it appears I'm not as my
  record score is 20.101 seconds." A devilishly
  difficult multitasking game, can you beat



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A MONEY TREE - we've heard them mentioned,
  they sound exciting. Have you got one? Can we
  take a cutting?

  science can give us an answer here?

  * IRRITATION FILTER - forget spam filters,
  can't Gmail delete ALL the irritating emails
  before we even read them?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Parrot of
  doom, ricky.davison, gallacter, jonnyfatman,
  peacelove_deathmetal,MontyPropps, ixnay,
  Kundalini, Kingtoke, and some other lovely
  cunts. Top Tippery by Easty Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke.



  Holding your tongue to the roof of your mouth
  can help prevent an ice cream headache.

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