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This Week:
* BACON - Pork alarm clock 
* QUESTION - Confess your hygiene issues
* VIDEO - Bukkake Milk

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're licking our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       elbows... together"

B3ta email 269 - 23 Mar 2007

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  Suits You Sir!
  Thanks to bespoke tailors Henry Needle & Sons
  and their marvelous Great Pockets, you too can
  be like our marsupial friends and fit
  everything you need on your person, all at
  once! (Not suitable for baby Kangaroos.)

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Shitty fuck, it's a cunt load of links

  >> Fuck Starbucks <<
  "Hello," hollers Robin from Space Hijackers,
  "Loads of B3tards came along to Circle Line Party
  before, and  I'm wondering if you could pop
  something in your newsletter for us? Starbucks,
  everyone’s favourite nipple-less mermaid
  merchants, have decided to move into the East
  End with a new store in Whitechapel. We will be
  setting up a stall and giving out free fair
  trade teas, home-made sandwiches, and all
  manner of other goodies to our neighbours, in
  an attempt to show what the area will be
  missing if Starbucks and their ilk are allowed
  to settle in. Come - 1pm, Sat 24th March."
  Sounds like fun and there's more details on the

  >> Wiggly eyes <<
  Azra3l has been busy sticking eyes on random
  objects, and turned it into a whole community
  project. So if you fancy joining in, join the
  site, upload your pics and subvert the very
  fabric of the universe.

  >> Cheap Heather Mills gag <<
  "Heather Mills in Strictly Come Hopping,"
  explodes Joey, "And hopefully it's bad taste
  enough for the newsletter." It brought a few
  smirks in the B3ta HQ, so yep, it's in.

  >> Dragons' Den monster <<
  It looks like Mutated Monty has been co-opted
  by the BBC, as there is an ad for their website
  at the end of his latest clip. Still, it's fine
  and amusing work.

  >> How dirty are you? <<
  Your Ginger Fuhrer expels, "There's a cheesy
  quiz doing the rounds on blogs and Myspace,
  where you have to admit to what sexual acts
  you've engaged with work out your cash fine. It
  annoyed the frig out of me, doing the maths in
  my head, so I spent, oooh 15 minutes, making a
  version that makes your PC do the adding up."
  Pointless fluff, but might amuse your teenage


  Cross Dressing

  Last week we asked for your tranny stories:

    "When I was 14 I was stopped in Guildford
    High Street by one of those people with
    clipboards. She asked me, 'From the below,
    please indicate your preferred brand of
    sanitary towel?' We looked at each other
    blankly, before she realised with horror that
    I wasn't a girl. I still got a free sample
    though." (browser)
    "As a 6'1" girl with an interest in amateur
    dramatics I often get to play men. Most
    recently I've been a convict, a neurotic
    Irish hangman and a policeman. However, my
    first experience of crossdressing was for a
    club night at The Hippo Club in Cardiff where
    they had transvestite DJs and anyone
    cross-dressing got in free. A work-mate of
    mine and I went as a couple - he in a pretty
    lacy cardigan, curly auburn wig and tiny
    miniskirt with cat boots and I in one of my
    dad's suits with a drag-king moustache.
    Whilst we both got in free, he had a better
    night than me as after about an hour I lost
    him only to find him exchanging oral fluids
    with some woman in the corner. It was only
    much, much later that he told me that the
    woman in question was a) E'd off her face, b)
    a lesbian and c) so shocked when she reached
    under his skirt and found his cock that she
    nearly knocked him out." (EricPhillips) 

    "When I was younger, I dressed my little
    bro's Action Man in Barbie clothes. My
    brother went mental, but I didn't hear Action
    Man complaining." (Small Czechoslovakian
    Traffic Warden)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  How skanky are you and your friends? Sweat
  rings on your office chair? Bed sheets you can
  see through? Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Top 15 Unintentionally Funny Comic Panels	<<
  Law of web comedy number 1: stuff is funnier if
  it's not meant to be funny, as the bloke who
  started Popbitch once said to us, "Real life is
  mind-bendingly funny, what is the point of
  fiction?" In that spirit, absorb this.

  >> Incest cards <<
  "I felt it my civic duty," pomps Rushy, "to
  bring the sort of filth being peddled in
  (formerly) respectable supermarket chain Tesco
  to your attention. Who would have thought
  society would degrade to the point where even
  the incestuous have their own greetings cards."
  Well, we know what we're buying the official
  B3ta wife next year.

  >> Arnold Schpazzenegger <<
  Net-aficionados will remember the clip of
  Batman going "mm mhhmm nnnhnn mmmmh", check out
  its spiritual follow-up, and as the sender
  Surak in says, "I just received this and I
  could not believe it did not come from b3ta!"

  >> Wake-up with bacon <<
  Sleepy meat lovers! Let all your pork dreams
  come true with an alarm clock that serves
  freshly cooked salty pig with your morning
  call. A perfect gift for your mum.

  >> Tights for men <<
  Boys! Worried your legs are losing their
  youthly definition? Wear some lovely denier
  pantyhose. It's very manly and we hope it
  catches on.

  >> Black or white? <<
  A couple of weeks ago we ran a
  semi-controversial image challenge (i.e. a
  handful of people moaned) on getting you to
  change the ethnicity of famous people. Here's
  some nice albino black people, it's nature's


  Video big on the web soon, apparently

  >> I would roll 500 miles <<
  A link for our overseas anglophile readers;
  currently storming the UK charts is this
  charity single featuring two comedians in
  wheelchairs singing the Proclaimers hit. Best
  bit? All the really low-rent celeb cameos.
  Charity is not normally this bad taste or dark.
  Thumbs up, A++++,  would buy again.

  >> Wee wee piss piss <<
  Japanese Toilet Training for Kids, half the
  blogs in the universe are linking this at the
  moment. For our money, it's not comedy, but
  actually quite a clever way of potty training
  your sprogladite.

  >> The Incredible Mouth Band <<
  Nice little home-made pop video where the bass
  says 'bass' and the drums say 'kick'. You get
  the picture. (Thank slamandchips)

  >> Bukkake Milk <<
  Sharleyq was one of many who wrote, "Best
  commercial ever.  Bukkake Milk!!!! The best
  part is the feline disrespect from behind. 
  Gotta love Japanese TV." We can't actually tell
  whether this is a real product, or a clip from
  a comedy show. Funny either way.

  >> Yay for Harry Enfield <<
  Once-great UK comedian, now sadly fallen
  from fashion. Remember him this way. (Thanks
  to bucsie for reminding us.)


  Triple nipple cripple action

  * MR COCK - Ed Rowland tells us, "An amusingly
  named shop from Bariloche Argentina. I
  recommend not sending your kids here."

  * FANNY PFISTER - Daddypigsaw gets in touch to
  report this remarkably common name.

  * THE LAST MIMZY - hagis_uk was one of several
  who pointed out that this new film has a
  dubious title. (We also enjoyed The Constant
  Gardener from 2005.)


  Fitness lady with no arms

  Hats off to this lovely lady who - despite
  lacking upper limbs - has toned her body to
  Californian perfection. You'll be wanting to
  check the photo section for the images that are
  flitting into our "will God deny our place in
  Heaven if we wank to this" collection.


  Results from the Board Games Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know what happens when
  board game play occurs in real-life
  surroundings.  Your favourites included:
  * MONOPOLY - there's nothing more splendid than
  a miniature iron and a lovely big pair of
  underpants (salad o'abstraction)

  * MONOPOLY II - the current scandals
  surrounding ITV's call-in competitions have
  nothing on this outrageous debacle (Manic)

  * MONOPOLY III - Sheriff John Bunnell brings
  his unique brand of justice to the board (Ad7)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Movie Combos <<
  A Bridge Too (Far) From the Madding 
  Crowd. A View to a (Kill) Bill. The 
  Extraordinary League of (Gentlemen) 
  Prefer Blondes. You get it - combine 
  two movies and show us the visuals.
  Challenge suggested by wibblywobbly.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * ODD-FACED PHOTOS - felixthehat writes, "You
  linked to us in your B3ta email 219. Just a
  note to say we've finally updated it so people
  can upload their own - and rate others' efforts.
  Also notable is the 'celebrities' section
  starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Mostly
  notable that they are the *only* celebrities
  so far, and they suck at blowing."

  * SHIT ART - Weirdlittlebiscuit was one of many
  who wasn't impressed with our last week's
  linking to the ZX Spectrum tape art (£450 per
  item!) and writes, "Wanna buy some of my 'art'.
  Hope ebay don't remove it."

  * 2P MELTDOWN - Horatio P Lemming scribes,
  "Melting down 1p and 2p coins will only work if
  you find old coins. For years now, they've
  been replacing them with ones that look the
  same, but which have a steel core in the middle
  to make them cheaper. The newer ones are
  slightly thicker to keep the weight the same,
  but the obvious way to tell is to try to pick
  them up with a magnet. Only put non-magnetic
  ones in the melting pot." So the challenge is
  still on...

  * WHEN LIVERPOOL ATTACKS - having our own Boris
  Johnson moment at B3ta Towers as we recently
  front-paged a photoshop of a scouser joke with
  a Hillsborough comment. Our inbox floodeth over.

  + "I lost family an friends at Hillsborough an
  find that one image truly offensive." (G.Hill)

  + "Sorry but there are just some things that
  aren't funny - even in an 'ironic' sense and
  that is one of them.  That is so utterly
  offensive.  I can not even begin to understand
  how you or anyone would find that amusing. 
  F*cking grow up." (goonerob9)

  Anyway, have your say - is the Ginger Fuhrer
  secretly bumming Kelvin MacKenzie?

  something we missed when linking her site,
  "Subliminal: her website is designed and hosted
  by 'Give the Dog a Bone'. No further comment
  necessary." Harsh really, we still think she's
  hot, even if another reader wrote in and said
  she's married to "someone big."



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * TIME LAPSE VIDEO - we've been playing with a
  nice little application called Gawker which
  allows you to make simple time-lapse films
  using a webcam. Here's one someone (not us)
  made earlier - maybe you can do better?

  * KRS-ONE FOR KIDS - rework the classic song as
  a childrens' sing-a-long, "Whoop! Whoop! It's da
  sound of da police. Helping old ladies across
  the street, making the neighborhood safe." It
  would amuse us anyway.

  * A CURE FOR GINGER HAIR, cigarettes that cure
  cancer and a money tree. Cheers.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by : jojo-a-go-go,
  sparky64, the RAND corporation and SickRik. Top
  Tippery by LOLerskate Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. B4ta, fuck yeah! Newsletter
  title by Zak McFlimby.

  Sharks are attracted to shiny jewellery (they
  shimmer like fish scales do). Remove any rings,
  necklaces, etc. before swimming in the ocean.

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