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This Week:
* HEROIN - Cook-up some pancakes
* INTERVIEW - Adam Buxton
* MINCE - Now an alphabet

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 271 - 6 April 2007

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  Cats, Breakfasts, Penis songs & Buxton

  >> Hats for cats <<
  It's Easter and a time for lots of shiny,
  discarded foil paper to be lying around. Rather
  than throwing it in the bin AND RAPING OUR
  PLANET why not make some stylish headgear for
  your favourite feline?

  >> Breakfast in the post <<
  "I'm here to tell you about a joke I pulled on
  my friend Rich today," beams Barrie Wilmot,
  "It's so awe-inspiringly fantastic I just HAD
  to share it with you! I sent my friend a full
  English breakfast via Royal Mail!" The beans
  posed a particular challenge... Check it out
  while Geocities' puny bandwidth holds up.

  >> The Ballad of Peniston <<
  Those musical Veitches and a variety of chums
  spin us the tale of the tragic rise and fall of
  the mining town they called Peniston. We'd put
  more knob gags here but they've already used
  them up in the song.

  >> Adam Buxton Interview <<
  Adam Buxton once bestrode our screens like a
  televisual Tyrannosaur as part of comedy duo
  Adam & Joe. We liked it lots. Now he's turned
  up on YouTube making amusing video shorts.
  Loads of people on our messageboard were
  bigging them up so we thought it was about time
  we got in touch and gave him the B3ta treatment.


  'Childhood ambitions'

  Some of our favourite stories from the last
  week included:

    "Outside WH Smith with a few friends when we
    were about 14. A tramp suddenly lunged from a
    bush with his cock hanging out, and did a
    little dance while he blew through a
    harmonica. As we stood in stunned silence he
    asked for a pound and then said 'look lads,
    honestly, I know it looks like a romantic
    lifestyle but it has its downsides. If you
    can, go for the 9-5.'" (browser)

    "I had a burning desire to enter my thirties
    having had limited sexual experience with
    only a few people, to have worked a
    succession of bottom end McJobs that offer
    almost nothing in the way of financial,
    creative or emotional return, leading me to
    question the 'work and reward' theory that
    the western world is based on. I also wanted
    to be a prematurely balding, over weight,
    heavy smoking borderline alcoholic with an
    occasional gambling problem and lack of self
    worth. Praise be! Kids, your dreams CAN come
    true!" (sir_spicious2000)

    "Just did an interest calculation online and
    saved it onto client folder as a word
    screendump because there was no print option.
    Once you've saved it to the client folder,
    there is no deleting it. So to my horror, now
    I've gone back into the client folder to
    print it out, I must have had B3ta in the
    background. nice and clearly, behind the
    calculation window, is a huge grey box
    screaming about DISEASED FANNIES. It was
    never my childhood ambition to be sacked for
    saving indelible scat on my clients' data."

  More, oh such more, on the site.

  >> Housemates from hell <<
  Should be a good week this week, as any readers
  of 'He Died with a Felafel in His Hand' should
  know, flat-share stories are the best.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Pancake-making genius <<
  If you happen to have a lot of drug-taking
  paraphernalia you might want to try out this
  interestingly alternative suggestion on how to
  make a pancake. Actually, the tiny little
  spoon-cooked pancakes look rather tasty.

  >> Lucy Pinder has nipples <<
  The big news for onanists this week is that
  after three years of playing coy, Lucy Pinder
  has finally got her raspberries out for the
  camera. We're curious to see how this effects
  her career - surely 99% of her appeal was the
  tease? (In no way is this simply an excuse to
  link to some NSFW bap-shots.)

  >> Mince Alphabet <<
  Bored with Comic Sans? Nothing gets the message
  across like words composed entirely of nasty,
  fatty shrink-wrapped no-frills mince. Gah.

  >> Sex-poodle man <<
  Not really safe for work, unless your work
  happens to pertain to drawings of cocktacular
  men dressed as dogs, having sex with poodles
  and farting and shitting uncontrollably. Oh and
  cute butterflies. Maybe it's a gay thing.

  >> Sir Bono - the internet speaks <<
  Do a Google Image search for "Bono" - look at
  the fourth image across. Yes. Bonus points if
  you can name that image - more points if you
  refrain from telling us as we know too.

  >> Where company names come from <<
  Gives an interesting insight into the
  background of some household names with a link
  to Wikipedia's more comprehensive list. No room
  for our favourite though: Odeon standing for
  'Oscar Deutsch Entertains Our Nation.' 

  >> Nude suits <<
  Artistic types SUBVERT THE VERY NATURE of
  clothing by wearing stuff printed with
  life-size representations of naked bodies.
  Also, as so much art seems to, involves
  pictures of breasts and willies - so everyone's
  a winner really.


  Youtube wins the internet as usual
  >> Real Alan Partridge <<
  Blimey - you've got to see this clip from
  Bid-up TV, the presenter IS Alan Partridge. And
  on that bomb-shell, here's the link.

  >> Alanis Morissette 'My Humps' <<
  Alanis is attempting to extend her 15 minutes
  beyond her mental "it's like ten thousand
  spoons when all you need is a knife" lyric by
  covering The Black Eyed Peas 'My Humps'. And
  quite an extra-ordinary job she does of it too.
  Although oddly the art direction makes her look
  like Lily Allen.

  >> 10 Commandments vid <<
  Blokey here sings his rules of life. Oddly
  popular at the moment, we're guessing that the
  kids are looking for direction in their
  meaningless lives. Or maybe they just like the


  Results from the druggie challenge

  Last week we wanted you to pretend to be eight
  years old, then design anti-drugs posters. You
  played along.

  Your favourites included:
  * HALLUCINOGENS - For anyone who's never
  dropped acid, this devastating image portrays
  *exactly* what it's like (Smallbrainfield)

  * T.W.A.T - Who needs FRANK when you can talk
  to C.U.N.T? (yanmania...)

  * BE SMART - Anti-drugs literature as produced
  by the American right (moppymopmop) 

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Truth in Advertising <<
  As part of our occasional series of old
  challenges revisited, this week we want you to
  imagine a world in which all advertising tells
  the truth...


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * REVENGE OF THE DALEKS - SiX blithers, "on
  last weeks newsletter you had a Dalek cake. It
  was shit. My attempt, although smaller, means
  you get to eat a Dalek each."

  * QUIZ ERRATA - John Mcaleer informs, "Having
  taken last week's 'filthy bastard' test, I was
  somewhat disappointed to find no mention of
  'shat in a guitar string envelope and left it
  on the bonnet of the neighbour's car', as my
  bass-playing friend did some time ago. What's
  the fine for such creativity?" £50, and tell
  your mate to send the cash ASAP as we know
  someone big.


  The Ultimate Quiz

  Mammoth Flash-based quiz testing your ability
  to think laterally or, in some cases, just
  exactly like the guy who built the thing.
  Despite the somewhat randomly unjust nature of
  some of the answers, this kept us happily
  bashing away for longer than just about
  anything else in the newsletter this week.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * NUMBERPLATE EVILS - nameleft writes, "A mate
  of mine worked on the TFL congestion zone
  software. He claims the cameras just look for
  any old text and check to see if it matches
  license plates in the DVLA database. Basically
  if it reads a number and it thinks its a car,
  you get a ticket. I don't live anywhere near
  London so I was hoping you could get one of
  your slaves to print up a t-shirt with their
  boss's license plate number on it and spend the
  day wandering around the city getting snapped
  by as many cameras as possible. If this works
  (which I doubt) I thought there's probably some
  money in an online service to print and deliver
  t-shirts to your door with the number plate of
  your victim. (Incidentally he also claims that
  the cameras will capture a picture of all
  un-recognised numbers. These get sorted
  manually. There is a "breast file" for all
  those nice girlie t-shirts that get snapped)."
  Interesting stuff we thinks.

  * TRAIN PHONE SEX - writerblock suggests
  shouting whilst on public transport, "Hello!
  Yes, I'm on a train! Yes! I'm touching myself

  * MARMITE MOONSHINE - true story, it seems
  prisoners in Surrey were using the
  popular/unpopular yeasty sandwich spread to
  ferment their own fruit-based alcohol. Then
  they went on a Pruno-fuelled riot. Anyone fancy
  trying this at home?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by FILTHIO. Top
  Tippery by Penile. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Although he's buggered off on holiday so
  Rob ran it this week, if that really matters.
  Props to b4ta. Blame Ptolemy for the newsletter
  title, not us.


  To stop creepy crawlies  getting in to your
  bed, move your bed away from the wall and cover
  the bottom of each leg with Vaseline.

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