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This Week:
* COMPO  - Win a book! Yes, a whole fucking book!
* QUESTION - Best vandalism ever
* PHOTOS - Yummy! It's a cock breakfast

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "May the forth
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       be with you"

B3ta email 275 - 4 May 2007

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  Arty Mosher Threads

  "Sugarbullets.com... the home of Amplified!!
  The t-shirt of choice for Justin Lee Collins,
  Jody Kidd, Charlotte Church and the Kooks...
  it’s a music thang!! Sugarbullets.com is proud
  to feature the latest clothing collections from
  the visual outlaw known as 'Rugman'... this
  collection of sinister clowns & trigger happy
  paintings is not for the faint hearted!"

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Win a book, hangovers and pianos

  >> Mr Biffo Booky Bollocks <<
  Geeky 30-something UK readers will remember Mr
  Biffo from his cult Digitiser column on
  Teletext. Imagine our congealed surprise when
  he got in touch to say, "My stupid book is
  released today. Is there any chance of getting
  a plug if I give you, oh I dunno, five signed
  copies as competition prizes? I'll even draw a
  knob in them, or whatever the winners request."
  Right, so we're making him stick to exact
  letter of his email and forcing Biffo to draw
  the best five suggestions. Get to it kids,
  what's the most ridiculous thing to can make
  him draw?

  >> Hangover cure <<
  In the long history of B3ta's dreadful cooking
  comes Mr. Fatuous with his hangover 'cure'. We're
  linking it mainly as we like the photo of the
  egg with four yolks.

  >> Bad piano player <<
  Props to Black Moon for this short and amusing
  gag. Dunno what else to write so here's three
  facts about pianos pulled from our arse: 1.
  Cats love walking on them, especially when
  they're hungry, 2. ALL blind people are
  brilliant at tuning them, and 3. Oh gawd, there
  is no three. How about a joke pulled from
  Sickipedia instead? 	A horse walks into a
  bar and the barman asks 'Why the long face?' To
  which the horse replies, 'I have AIDS'. Yes,
  it's THAT type of newsletter this week.

  >> Breaking news: Weebl <<
  MSN'd in with only minutes to spare before we
  pull the golden send lever comes Jonti's
  latest masterwork. Frankly we haven't got time
  to write anything relevant, so here's some
  quick facts from when Mr Picking shared a flat
  with the Ginger Fuhrer. * He made such a mess
  of the carpet we had to employ a professional
  cleaner to shampoo it * His diet entirely
  consisted of sweets & bacon and finally, * The
  more he drunk, the more his voice turned into
  Weebl. So there you go.


  That'll learn 'em

  Last week we asked for your petty stories of
  revenge and your attempts to teach people a

    "This is a secret shame I've harboured for
    over 10 years. Only 4 people in the world
    know this story - me, the then boyfriend, the
    current boyfriend and the little person. I
    was 16, in love. We were out in a club and he
    was talking to his mates about music and
    boring me rotten. I felt he wasn't paying me
    enough attention and resolved to teach him a
    lesson. When you're 16 and more used to
    discos than bars, and tweeny relationships
    rather than adult ones, you think that the
    best way to get your man's attention is to
    flirt with someone else. I bumped into a
    little person. He was very little. About 3
    and a half foot. Late 30s, wearing a little
    leather biker jacket, ear-rings, a Guns and
    Roses T-Shirt and some little biker boots.
    Looking back, he was a bit sleazy but he
    started to tell me how sad he was because he
    was a little person who had never kissed
    anyone as beautiful as me. I'm all
    self-righteous about being ignored by
    boyfriend so started kissing him. "What the
    FUCK are you DOING?" screams my boyfriend. I
    stand up, the little person stands up between
    us. I drunkenly stammered, "this doesn't
    count." "What the FUCK do you mean it doesn't
    defensively slurred back at a ridiculously
    high volume: "It doesn't count. IT'S ONLY A
    FUCKING MIDGET!" Convinced this was a winning
    argument, I repeatedly screamed this over and
    over. If you're reading, little man, it's a
    memory that will haunt me forever. I am
    sorry. You were the best kiss I ever had."
    "Having been fired from a selection of retail
    jobs, I decided to try my hand at TEFL
    teaching and went off to Greece. One class of
    11 year olds contained pretty much every kind
    of anti-social, sociopathic and behaviourally
    disordered creatures you could imagine. They
    saw their lessons with me as an opportunity
    to take the piss and insult me in Greek. But
    there was one fat little shit who thought it
    hilarious to sing in a falsetto whine every
    time I spoke. Even when I was screaming at
    them, he would start his faux-operatics. I
    asked the other teachers how they controlled
    him and their advice was somewhat unexpected:
    "Hit him. Hard. His parents are Cretan and
    they beat him all the time - it's the only
    thing he respects." Much against my
    instincts, I started the next lesson with an
    expectation of violence. Sure enough, during
    a test, the rotund tosser started to play the
    drums with some pencils, distracting the
    others. So, approaching from behind, I swung
    a hardback dictionary at the top of his head.
    I was aiming to skim it off his crown as a
    surprise, but he moved back at the critical
    moment and I cracked him with a perfect golf
    drive square on the back of the head. He
    bounced off the book and hit the desk face
    first with a resounding crack. He was quiet
    for the rest of the lesson. Or rather, he lay
    face down snuffling pitifully so as not to
    show his snot and tear-streaked face."
    "A mate got so tired of his then partner
    dragging him around clothes shops to watch
    her spending *entire afternoons* trying on
    stuff she was never going to buy "just in
    case she found something", that he decided to
    get his own back. As they were walking past
    their local Waterstone's, he asked if they
    could "just pop in to see if there was
    anything he wanted". He then went around
    randomly picking books up, flicking through
    them, moving on to another, going back to a
    previous one. Within a few minutes, she was
    hanging around on the ends of the aisles,
    kicking her heels, sighing, asking how much
    longer he'd be, was he going to buy anything
    etc....i.e. all the things he got into
    trouble for doing when she was doing her
    "shopping". Yet she never made the
    connection." (lolwhites)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your favourite graffiti. Talk to
  us here:


  Vintage Summer Threads

  "B3ta gave us 20 words. Get your KnightRider,
  A-Team, Mr Men, Mumm-Ra, My Little Pony and
  He-Man T-Shirts here. Or else."


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Best tattoo ever? <<
  We've got mixed feelings about tattoos at B3ta
  HQ. Yes they look sexy on fit young things, but
  Jesus they can ming a bit after a few years.
  Only the other day we clocked some old codger
  getting cash out in Kentish Town and noticed
  'paddy' inked onto his knuckles. He caught our
  glance and pushed his hand into his pocket in
  mild shame. How rotten is that? To feel
  embarrassed about your hands? Anyway, lucky he
  doesn't have this charming daub on his shin.

  >> Maddox on stock photos <<
  Maddox of Bestpageintheuniverse fame has got
  off his fat-pirate-arse and finally added some
  new content on his site that ISN'T pimping his
  book: a rather amusing take on the crappy stock
  photos that turn up again and again in online
  media. BTW: For that matter, we've got a
  collection called 'Hemera Photo Objects', and
  hardly a day goes by where we don't spot one of
  their images. Wow. We're really giving you the
  exciting facts this week.

  >> Tampon Taser Gun <<
  Michelle writes, "I think your readers may like
  this: The Tampon Taser Gun." Hmm, maybe they
  will. And on the thought of sticking electric
  shocks up your twat, does anyone remember that
  site in the mid 90s claiming that taking two
  speaker wires from your PC speakers, ramming
  them up your anus, and playing tunes was the
  route to sexual nirvana? You should try it
  sometime. Maybe also setting up a site to
  exchange the best midi files with fellow

  >> Funny PA announcement at Asda <<
  Goatsmilk gets in touch with this chortlesome
  'get the PA to say something inappropriate'
  audio. BTW: Our favourite from this genre was
  when Chris Morris got Heathrow Airport to
  announce 'Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum
  DeBahzted', which translates as, 'My colleague
  just farted, and left the room, the bastard.'

  >> Cock breakfast <<
  "I thought you might enjoy this", writes
  munki_lady, "I don't want beans with my tea
  ever again." NSFW. (BTW was George Michael
  attempting to define the NSFW rule when he sang
  in his 80s hit I Want You Sex, "What's your
  definition of dirty baby? What do you call
  pornography?" Also whilst possibly downloading
  gay ASCII porn on some Vic 20 version of
  Gaydar. Er.. ASCII. I've got the key to your


  Baby hedgehogs

  Considered a delicacy by Gypsies, we've done
  hedgepiglets before, but never had we had such
  a fine collection of photos. They're like
  horse-chestnuts with the face of cabbage-patch
  doll. Niceness all round really.


  Youtubery pubery tomfoolery

  >> Pretty time-lapse <<
  This bandwidth raping 37mb video combines
  motion controlled time-lapse and long exposures
  to create something beautifully meaningless.
  Great technique though, you should watch and
  learn and apply to something with a narrative.

  >> Wanking kangaroo <<
  Adam Lynch defecates, "After the recent wanking
  walrus, here is a link to a wanking kangaroo."
  Woo. BTW: Did we tell you our t-shirt idea? An
  ideal gift for a friends kid you suspect of
  being educationally sub-normal, a drawing of a
  roo and the caption, "Baby Joey." Do you see?
  Do you? You'd be able to mock your mates
  child without them knowing, which is as good as
  it gets really.

  >> Sesame Street in da hood <<
  Reworking kids TV is always good for a cheap
  laugh, so off the top of our heads, "Henry's
  Twat", "Teletardies" and er, "Weeman and the
  masters of the Puneyverse." Props to Yank Meoff
  for sending in the link, for it is his link,
  and we've linked it.

  >> Geordie Tin Tin <<
  And on a similar tip Joseph Barnes alerts us
  with, "Wholesome children's fave Tintin has
  been re-dubbed as a foul mouthed Geordie."
  Pleasing, we found it, pleasing. Fucking hell,
  is it time for the pub yet?


  Like forking shit into our eyes

  Himjim has sent in probably the bestest FNC
  we've ever had: FaceAids. Apparently to make
  people 'face up to AIDS' rather than people
  with AIDS on their face. Anyway. We're so happy
  that this thing exists that we're declaring


  Results from the Action Figure Challenge

  Last week we wanted to see figures from
  history that most deserved an action figure.

  Your favourites included:
  * PRINCE HARRY - Guaranteed to be kept in
    pristine condition.

  * DEAD EWOK - Probably the only Star Wars
    character not to have a figure already.

  * MARIE CURIE - Irradiation comes as
    standard (HappyToast)

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: You're Having a Giraffe <<
  We want you to take cockney rhyming slang
  literally. A little too literally.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * USE MY ARSEHOLE AS A CUNT - the singer (Kunt)
  got in touch to say, "cheers for the shout on
  our video in the last mail-out, we shifted a
  stack of albums off the back of it. Our other
  video 'fucksticks' is also up on youtube." BTW:
  We've also put Mr Kunt in touch with Joel
  Veitch on the hope they can play a gig together
  with Seven Seconds of Love.

  * SQUIRREL TAXIDERMY - Domoko scribes, "I
  thought I'd send in a photo of a squirrel that
  I bought off the same bloke a few years back -
  we even made a miniature Santa's hat for him to
  wear at Christmas!" This is how serial killers



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Well that's the theory, but our brains are
  blankoid this week so here's some whitterings
  about our manschlongs instead.

  * SPRINGY PENIS DARTS - push pencils into your
  trouser-clad cock and see how far you can fire

  have a wank on a plane.

  * FORESKIN E CHALLENGE - a mind game to play
  with your drug munching friends. "Got the
  pills?",  "Yes. They're under my foreskin.
  Don't worry, they're wrapped in cling-film."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel without
  David Stevenson, as he's gone to Paris to get
  have a wank off the Eiffel Tower, spooging into
  the seine. Stuff sent in by you cunts. Yes you.
  Top Tippery by skivesagain. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. Yeah, yeah, and B4ta.
  Coz we love them with both hands. Oh yeah,
  actually Fraser is away so it's actually
  Mystery Bob we should be proping.



  You can find out if a TV remote is working by
  looking at the IR emitter through your mobile
  phone camera as you press the buttons. If it's
  ok, you will see it flash.

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