NEWSLETTER: "URBAN TURBAN BAN BANTER"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Burpy man gets burpy
* BEEF - Wearing it as pants
* OJ SIMPSON - We managed about 30 pages
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're leeching your
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| bandwidth... together"
B3ta missive 282 - 22 Jun 2007
Webby version, made of htmls and apaches:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue282/
Love us: [email protected]
Hate us: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Glastonbury Tales
Alien abduction, pigs’ trotters and
ant-infested sleeping bags? This year’s line-up
have divulged their best Glastonbury tales for
Orange. Check out videos from Mumm-Ra,
Kasabian and The Chemical Brothers and get
yourself prepared before you hit the scrumpy.
http://snipr.com/tales_b3ta
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Media buyers. We want to felate you.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Burps, Blairs and Big Cat-face
>> Burpy man <<
"Just a quick note", quickly notes Dr.A, "to
inform you of my childish and unpleasant video
mash-up of that opera-singing chap who won
Britain's Got Talent. Several people from
foreign lands thought it was an actual act,
which has pretty much made my life complete."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_apologise_in_advance
>> Goodbye Blair <<
"My final video on the subject of Mr Anthony
Charles Lynton Blair", possibly lies Manic,
"Requires jazz-hands." Epic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Goodbye_Tony_Blair
>> Cat face <<
Jonti has been working on new ideas for
cartoons, about a cat, with a very large cat
face. But, arguably, the face of a different
cat.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face/
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The worst sex I ever had
We wanted your bad sex moments.
http://b3ta.com/questions/worstsex/
* POST-COITAL SMALL TALK
"New bird, first shag, post coital fag and chat.
Her: Did you enjoy that?
Me: Of course! lets do it again.
Her: I can't believe I used to do this for
extra money at university
Me: Seriously?
Her: Yes but I haven't done it for money for
ages. and I won't be charging you this time!
Me: So you were a whore?
Her: Well I don't like that word.
Me: I think I'll leave.
Her: My boyfriend will kick your fucking head
in if he finds out what we just did.
Me: Fucking hell. Could you make this dreamy
night even more perfect?.
Her: I stabbed a guy once. Not that deep.
He was OK in the end.
Me: I have to go now." (I have run out of coke)
* WHAT DID YOU SAY?
"New girlfriend. She was really up for
everything. We were having a fantastic time
shagging at every opportunity. Anyway, she
starts to go down on me, gently dragging her
hair and boobs down my body. She licks just
below my balls. Oooh. *shudder* I murmur my
appreciation, and she stops to whisper,
"Yeah, my Uncle always liked that."
(like I'm going to give my name)
* RUINING IT FOR YOUSELF
"Our first time after seeing each other for a
week or so. We kiss, we pet, he grabs a
condom, strips while facing away from me, and
then (like a magician revealing a fine trick)
spins round to face me, johnny on, ready to
go. My first introduction to his manhood. It
was miniscule. I mean, really, really. It was
like a cocktail sausage wearing a see-through
tent. But, we've come this far, and I felt
bad for him all ready to go, and I must admit
there was more than a smattering of pity, so
I thought I'd just give him a blow job.
Consolation prize. I threw away the condom,
and got down to work. You know how JD in
Scrubs has his own personal monologue
running? Well, I have my own. Normally, it's
fairly mundane and non-offensive, but as I
grappled with distinctly less than a mouthful
of willy, the little voice in my head piped
up. "This is what being a paedophile must
feel like." That was it. I couldn't continue.
I practically spat his dick out and ran out
the door. Poor sod." (itsnotmehonest)
>> This Week's Question <<
What's the most horrifying thing you've ever
seen? From what's already been posted, it's not
for the faint-hearted this one:
http://b3ta.com/questions/horriblesights/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> OJ's banned book <<
The gossip sites have been on fire with a
leaked copy of OJ Simpson's 'If I Did It', his
tawdry account of how, if he had murdered his
wife, how exactly he would have stuck the knife
in. We managed about 30 pages and mostly
noticed OJ complaining that his dead wife was a
liar. Can't say we warmed to him, but for those
with stronger stomachs than ours, the complete
PDF download is available here and probably a
thousand other sites if this one goes down.
BTW: Speaking of leaked literary stuff, there's
a link doing the rounds purporting to say who
dies at the end of the final Harry Potter.
Google it if you're interested.
http://www.mediafire.com/
>> Subvertising slogans <<
We've got a feeling that we've been sent this
link a few times but never really clocked how
amusing it is. It simply takes a few famous
advertising tag-lines; "Coke is it!" for
example, and allows you to switch the product.
To stuff like cock. Much funnier than it should
be.
http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi
>> Beef pants <<
Here's a product ideal for Joel Veitch and his
thousands of sexual conquests - knickers made
from jerky. Just imagine it - he could play a 7
Seconds of Love gig and toss the pants into the
audience, the lucky catchee getting to ride his
enormous man-cock backstage. Lovely.
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php
>> Vag sculpting <<
Boys! Have you ever wondered what a vagina
looks like? We mean, really looks like, if you
filled your good lady wife with plaster of
Paris and took a mould? Wonder no more, because
Uncle Internet is here to sate your curiosity.
http://privatesculpture.co.uk/gallery7.html
>> Fun at the creationist museum <<
Last week we ran a Creationist image challenge,
and we even poked a personal friend of Richard
Dawkins to ask him to judge the challenge.
Sadly the emails went unanswered, but instead
why not get your web kicks from ogling the
exhibits at a real-life 'God invented
dinosaurs' museum. Although we use the word
'museum' loosely - a more accurate phrase would
be 'bunkum'.
http://snipr.com/christ_on_a_bike
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Cute kittens playing in a box
One day science will stop wasting its time
attempting to find the cure for cancer and
concentrate on the important stuff. How can we
genetically engineer cats to stay cute and
kittenish until the end of their days? The
number of cats we've had to dump on the
motorway...
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Prediction: Web video is going to big next year
>> Handy work <<
Did anyone catch that 'hands' advert Guinness
recently ran? Didn't entertain us much at B3ta
towers, but the industry magazines went mental
for it. Here's how hand-based-video SHOULD be
done. BTW: The intro is crap, gets entertaining
when the lyrics start.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Harder_Better_Faster_Str...
>> If TV show Jericho was real <<
Have have to admire these Czech pranksters that
managed to cut a ballooning mushroom cloud into
some rolling footage on a news channel. This is
a jape of Orson Welles/War of the Worlds
proportions.
http://youtube.com/watch
>> Rail spin <<
Blokey in our office says to us, "Have you seen
the Norwegian kids? They're mucking about with
a railway line?" "Nooo!", we reply, "We don't
want to see any kids get killed!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Norwegian_Kids_playing_o...
>> Tortoise V Cat - Tortoise wins <<
When we're stuck for a write-up we search our
brains for random facts WITHOUT checking
Wikipedia. So here goes: * Blue Peter once had
a pet tortoise that died in hibernation and
they replaced without telling the TV-viewing
public. * A tortoise shell would make an ideal
battle hat for a rabbit. * It's probably
possible to arrange several tortoises of
different sizes to make nature's own steel
drums. You see? Who needs research!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Pork for kids
DandyLion writes, "For the love of all that is
good and pure - you simply must alert the world
to the evils of the 'National Pork Board' -
which, as well as calling its website
Pork4Kids, includes such features as 'Pork Show
And Tell' and carries links to 'NichePork.org'."
http://www.pork4kids.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
Jesus nurses a baby dinosaur
Props to Monty Propps for designing our lovely
new t-shirt. The image has been all over the
web this week, on boingboing, reaching number 2
on reddit, and also appearing in a UK
broadsheet.
http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Creationism Challenge
Last week we wanted you to explain the
battle between creationism and evolution.
You got biblical on our ass.
Your favourites included:
* ADAM & EVE - And the rib that the Lord
God had taken from the man he made
into a woman. And man rejoiced.
(grey kid)
* MICROSOFT WORLD - If God had been
repeatedly interrupted by that annoying
bloody paperclip, he'd never have got
to day seven (mutster101)
* PROGRESS - Basically, we fucked up
(the Neville)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creationism/
>> New challenge: Computer Errors <<
This week's challenge needs no real
explanation: what if computer errors
told the truth?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/computer_errors/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SICK JOKE BOOK RADIO - having sold
approximately 12 billion copies of the book,
your Ginger Fuhrer has retired to a life of
lighting cigars with £50 notes and occasionally
appearing in the media. Including this BBC
Radio 4 documentary on the history of joke
books broadcasting this Saturday morning at
10:30am. Presumably, after that you'll be able
to 'listen again' if you've got Real Player
installed.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/history/pip/usuxq/
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Flute hero!
You know those Playstation games where get to
live our your dreams of widdling a sonic-axe
like Eddie Van Halen? Hats off to the genius
who thought it would be a good idea to apply
the format to playing the bloody flute. BTW: We
just considered using the word flautist and
found this amusing note from Wikipedia, 'James
Galway summed up the way many players of the
flute feel about "flautist", saying, "I am a
flute player, not a flautist. I don't have a
flaut, and I've never flauted."'
http://www.dr.dk/spil/floejtehero/popup/
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PISS-TIME CHALLENGE - J-Rod writes, "Ever
took a long piss the morning after a long night
at the pub. Sometimes it feels like you're in
front of the toilet for a solid couple of
minutes. Film your whizzes (showing genitalia
not necessary) and compete for the world
record."
* SELLOTAPE JAPES - Mictoboy commands, "Stick
sellotape to your front door, and unwind it on
your commute to work see if your journey is
longer than a whole reel."
* TESCO FAKES - Mighty Nibus suggests, "Sneak
your own 'products' onto Tesco shelves,
complete with barcodes and shelf labels. Record
the results."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Front-sex: [email protected]
Back-sex: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by matt smith, Tony,
collatalliesisters, evil_fairy, lloucksfresno,
sesquipedeviant and flake Highest voted joke
from sickfuck. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. RARARARARRAA to b4ta.
-------------------------------------------------
SICKIPEDIA:
What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this
country? Sexy kids.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
