NEWSLETTER: "IN UR TEMPL FRAGG1N UR MUNX"
This Week:
* QUESTION - Confess your dirty trade-secrets
* GAME - Alphabet clicky woo
* TORIES - MP spunking cock coin
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're cranking the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| shaft... together"
B3ta email 296 - 28 Sep 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue296/
Surprise sex: [email protected]
Unsurprise sex: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Retro-Gaming Handheld
Great news everyone, we have a new F200 GP2X
console it has a touch screen and the much
requested Dpad, portable MAME, Amiga and other
emulation just got even better.
http://tinyurl.com/yqm9y6
In other news Craig is running the Great North
Run and wants you to sponsor him!
http://justgiving.com/craigix
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cocks, Words, Bacon and Puke
>> Tory MP spunking cock coin <<
"So, some Tory MP nicked one of the images off
my website but left me hosting it," explains
NaNeil. "So I decided to have a chuckle."
Basically, he subtly edited a crudely-drawn cock
onto the face of the coin. And it took them ages
to notice! If you're able to, check out some of
the comments left on the MP's page by passing
internet punsters.
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/09/25/consrvativ...
>> Don't catch the Z's! <<
Click on each of the letters to collect the
alphabet as quickly as possible. But beware
the deadly letter Z - get two of those and
you're a goner. "I made this," bristles
NoFruitsADay, "And I challenge anyone to beat
my awesome score of 01:12:45." Seriously, we
just tried it and that *is* an awesome score.
It's fucking hard!
http://www.lawriecape.co.uk/lettergame/
>> Hover bacon song <<
Joel, Jacqui and the Zook give us an insight
into mealtimes Chez Veitch. It looks unsettling
and it sounds terrifying, yet we found ourselves
humming this song about levitating pork for most
of the week. Yes, we really annoyed the crap out
of everyone.
http://www.rathergood.com/bacon/
>> Swedish gameshow: Make Me Puke <<
This clip of an unfortunate vomiting on live TV
has been doing the rounds recently. Tarka the
Frotter has swiftly edited it down and blown on
it with his magical comedy breath.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Swedish_Game_Show_Ma...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade
Recently the TV world has been rocked by a
series of 'omg they make stuff up' scandals, so
we were wondering what are the secrets of your
trade that would make the world go 'gosh'?
BTW: Here's some TV stuff we already know about:
* A 'friend' was once asked to phone up Nigella
Lawson live on her show, and pretended to be a
woman in love with her married boss for a
phone-in.
* A 'friend' once did some work for the office
that made Country File. A couple of the
producers / directors had nice 4x4s on the
promise they'd get them in shot as much as
possible.
* A 'friend' once met DJ Nicky Campbell and
asked him about his "I can predict your star
sign thing", he said that the cunning trick was
to get the researcher to ask the punter before
they came on air.
Anyway, it's shaping up to be a classic
question so get stuck in.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/dirtysecrets/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Perspective tricks <<
Kate Bush once sang, "I'm Cloud-busting Daddy"
and who knew she wasn't singing about Jack
Bauer's dad manipulating streams of "cosmic
orgone energy" to cause rain,
but actually foreshadowing these 'squishing
clouds by pinching' trick photos.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/h19/sets/721575941825...
>> David Hasselhoff is a PDF file <<
Stuck for a make-and-do? Print out this printy
thing and make your own two dimensional
Hoff-doll. It's in Kitt form. Ho ho.
http://www.artforrobots.com/_images/cartoon/Poseab...
>> Museum of Bad Art <<
Our favourite ever online bad art was a pencil
rendering of American R&B vocal quartet, En
Vogue, dressed in leather with their not
inconsiderable penises hanging out of their
trousers. Sadly not contained in this otherwise
great collection of the art of the truly
talentless, but it does have an old lady
skipping though some flowers which lifted our
hearts.
http://www.museumofbadart.org/
>> The Land of the Rising Pun <<
We only know one word of Japanese: Yatta, and
it means, "I did it!" which is always useful
when dining in a Japanese restaurant and
someone asks 'who farted?'. Looks like the
Orientals are learning nearly as useful phrases
in English.
http://www.pizdaus.com/pics/PT6Wk1j2VNc8.jpg
>> Optimus Prime Cut Chicken <<
Meticulous pictorial document of a Chinese
boy's construction of the Transformer
"Bumblebee" from KFC boxes. We imagine it
smells.
http://snipurl.com/unluckyfriedkitten
>> Simpsons nerds <<
Every film reference in the Simpsons catalogued
with photos of the movies they came from. Now,
who can be arsed to do the same with Spaced?
http://snipurl.com/ojdidit
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Monkey love pigeon
An abandoned baby macaque finds a new lease of
life with his avian buddy. We warn you, this
candid pic is so eye-wateringly heart-warming
that it should come with some sort of diabetic
health warning.
http://snipurl.com/dailymailarecunts
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Youtube pre-rolling ads? Suicidal surely
>> Triple-necked guitar prat <<
Steve Vai was introduced to axe-anoraks with
his talking, wooden penis-substitute on David
Lee Roth's largely enjoyable Eat 'Em and Smile.
Largely ignored by music fans, he produces
output enjoyed more for its technique than
melody. So how amusing to take footage of him
showing his chops and dubbing some badly-played
crap over it. Lovingly done.
http://b3ta.com/links/Steve_Vai_Re_Dubbed_to_sound...
>> Nerdy white boy rap genius <<
Sometimes we spot a talent on the internet and
wish we could buy shares in their future. This
kid is going to be big.
http://b3ta.com/links/Bo_Burnhams_new_one
>> Rammstein Oompa band <<
Another dubbing gag, but these monsters of
krautrock are enjoyably undermined with the
true feel of a German beer festival. Close your
eyes and think of sausages. As we said to the
missus last night.
http://b3ta.com/links/Rammstein_translated_into_Ge...
>> Kids TV Bukkake <<
Standards are truly slipping on children's
television, not only has Blue Peter put down
its pets for health and safety reasons (Biddy
Baxter sits in the gallery pulling fishing line
on the necrosing kittens), but Big Cook Little
Cock is dripping with ejaculate references.
Case in point:
http://b3ta.com/links/You_want_kids_TV_filth
>> Emo Lego <<
"This really needs a wider audience," commands
Eatmeat. Ok then, here you go, watch this
enjoyable song about a small Lego man who turns
emo and his mates take the piss.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Lowest common denominator - and still sinking!
* DICK TINGLE - Sports correspondent for the
Hull & East Riding Mail. Probably was never,
ever teased in the school changing-rooms. (He's
about 3/4 down the page btw)
http://snipurl.com/dicktingle
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Winehouse Challenge
Last week we wanted to you to get to grips with
our Amy.
Your favourites included:
* HAIR - A rarity at b3ta, as a proper bit of
art walks away with the plaudits (I was
penalized for that)
* WOBBLE - Poor Amy, off her gourd and
struggling to walk. A role model for us all
(HappyToast)
* ANUS - It's a Wine House, geddit? (The
Neville)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/amy_winehouse/
>> New challenge: Ninja Weapons <<
It's a well known fact that ninjas can
use anything as a weapon. So pick an
object and show us the ingenious way it
might be used in battle.
Image suggested by Afinkawan.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ninja/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
PHONE CHARGERS - Cheers to VampireMonkeyOnSpeed
who points out that the mobile phone industry
has scrambled to obey ginger fuhrer Rob's curt
command for a single kind of charger that works
on every handset. "Now if you could maybe do
something about world peace..." he mutters.
http://snipurl.com/1rd3z
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: TV ADVOCACY
Boondocks
Burglars robbed our TV a few months back, and
we haven't replaced it, choosing instead to
free ourselves from leaving the TV on in the
background and instead only watching downloads.
It's improved our life immeasurably, as we have
more time to read and only watch the shows we
really want to. Including the brilliant
Boondocks - an Afro-American South Park, where
Samuel Jackson plays a 30-year-old wigger.
Genius. Linky goes to wikipedia, but the show
is widely available on the piracy method of
your choice.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Boondocks
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HARD CHALLENGE - JenBoldacre writes, "I
reckon I can stay hard for four hours with no
knob drugs, as long as I have a sufficiently
gigantic arc of porn." Can you beat him? With
your cock?
* FACEBOOK PEOPLE SHARES - You know those stock
exchange games where you buy and sell pop
groups or Hollywood people? Do it with real
people and trade in your friends.
* MEAT SCULPTURE - Buy loads of spam, carve it
into the shape of a vagina, that kind of thing.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was 'written' by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Jahled,
saladin zero, AndMcC, hahn, thefoggypoo and
PenguinsMadeMeDoIt Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subject line by collapsibletank. Jam
tomorrow to b4ta. (trout-eyes)
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SICKIPEDIA NOW ON FASTER SERVER:
I phoned the Islamic Samaritans today. When I
said I was feeling suicidal, they got all
excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.
http://www.sickipedia.org/profile/eatmeat
