NEWSLETTER: "AND IT SEEMS TO ME, YOU DIED YOUR DEATH, BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BUCKLE IN..."
This Week:
* TITS - Bizarre prosthetic mammary fetish
* JACKO - Halloween mask
* CHALLENGE - Lady Diana, princess of hearts
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're loaddowning the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| kiddie pron... together"
B3ta email 297 - Mundus patet 2007
Stick this up your browser chuff:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue297/
Stage6: [email protected]
Joost: [email protected]
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Bizzare prosthetic mammary fetish <<
Did you know the web is full of perverts? When
you think you've seen them all, there's always
another to make you go "do people really wank
to this?" BTW: The nipples the size and shape
of cocks is a nice detail.
http://www.mastasia.com/main.htm
>> Shave your body <<
"Ok...ok I know it's a commercial for a body
groomer," confesses Mr Greywood, "but I almost
pissed myself at certain parts in the
FAQ/demonstrations part." Us too. Especially
the rather homo-neurotic suggestion that you can
make your penis look larger by shaving your
man-minge.
http://www.shaveeverywhere.com/
>> Another Daily Photo Thingy <<
So a bloke takes a photo every day for 8 years.
Our conclusion? He looks better with short hair
and without the glasses, but a mirror could
have told him that.
http://www.c71123.com/daily_photo/index.php
>> Jacko mask <<
You know your plastic surgery has gone to shit
when it's a viable business to sell an
impression of your face as an effective
Halloween mask. Who next? Our money is on
Victoria Beckham.
http://snipurl.com/itsvitiligohonest
>> Confess everything <<
Is our question of the week not enough for your
texty voyeurism? Then get your clicky ass down
to unburdened where you can choke on your linky
corn-flakes with gems like, "I got my mistress
pregnant and had to pay for an abortion. I took
the money out of my secret slush fund account
to pay for it. She would have kept the baby if
I had wanted to. But I didn't want to have to
explain child support to my wife." You're best
off skipping the "I biffed another forum
member" dullness though.
http://snipurl.com/1rt0j
>> DIY PDA <<
Is there a device that doesn't want to organise
you? There's a calendar on our laptop, phone,
iPod and probably digital watch if we had one.
So the latest tech to enter this competitive fray
is decided low-tech: a bit of paper.
http://www.pocketmod.com/
>> Rattle Snake Bite <<
You don't want to look at these pics. Trust us.
For once they are seen they can not be unseen.
http://www.rattlesnakebite.org/rattlesnakepics.htm
>> Goatse cake <<
Ruin a loved one's birthday with a disgustingly
lifelike cake modelled on the notorious anal
shock site. Extra points for artistic use of
strawberry jam.
http://www.urod.ru/files/kakku8.jpg
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Dirty Trade-Secrets
Last week we wanted the dirty secrets that only
those in the trade know about. We're truly
scared by the confession of a Sydney IVF clinic
worker that he cloned himself:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dirtysecrets/
Here's three of the less prosecutable stories:
* "HELICOPTER PILOTS tell customers that the
heaviest people have to go in the back of the
machine for centre of gravity issues. This is
partially true. But really it is so the
boyfriend gets in the back and the chicky-babe
in the short skirt sits up front. We then use
our immaculately-polished instrument glass to
look up her skirt." (bellboy)
* "THE FUNERAL OF A LOCAL CIVIC DIGNITARY: the
bereaved relatives had requested that
'Jerusalem' sung by Kings College Choir be
played during the committal to the flames. The
task of sourcing the music was given to the
rookie, who - unable to find a copy of
Jerusalem, had decided to substitute a 'similar
song'. It was for this reason that the dearly
departed's coffin sailed through the curtain to
the sound of "Achy, Breaky Heart" by Billy-Ray
Cyrus, the deceased having died from a
coronary." (Lunar Jim)
* "UGLY KID BATTLESHIPS: I'm a teacher and
invigilate exams. Deathly dull work, until we
brightened it up with Ugly Kid Battleships.
Each seat has a reference number, and myself
and the two or three other staff would stroll
around writing down the numbers of where we
thought the eight ugliest kids sat. We would
then meet and try to guess each other's
numbers. Endless variations - smelly kid, geeky
kid etc. We also play Slow Pacman: one would be
Pacman and the others were Ghosts. We'd chase
around the exam hall at slow invigilator speed.
If the ghosts got to a corner spot the tide is
turned for five minutes." (bambambambambam)
>> This Week's Question <<
Been creatively insulted recently? Talk to us
here you fuck-muppet:
http://b3ta.com/questions/insults/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Religion, Goth Winkies, Plumbing and Shit
>> Greybloke gets religion <<
Madridiot's monochrome man in the street muses
on mortality and which of the world's major
belief systems he should join up with.
http://b3ta.com/links/Some_Grey_Bloke_Choosing_my_...
>> Goth-touching song <<
Angsty, doom-laden remake of koit's ode to the
joys of touching naughty things (aka 'The Winky
Song').
http://www.mattyjohn.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/Go...
>> Rabbit shit <<
"Here is an animation I have done with rabbits
doing massive poos," beams Andy Martin.
"Thought you guys might like it." And like it
we do - it has a weird Terrance & Philip meets
Space Invaders ambience.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Maniac plumber <<
A mesmerising central performance makes a
peculiar treat of Captain Bubbles's short film
about tradesmen on the rampage. Cracking
special clown effects too. Link is to part one:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/124769
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
No monkeys drinking pee, sadly
>> Tightrope between the Twin Towers <<
Startling news footage from 1974, as Frenchman
Philippe Petit prances about on a tightrope
slung 1,300ft up between the World Trade Centre
towers. It's a freaky thing - and partly, of
course, just to see the towers again.
http://b3ta.com/links/Guy_tightropes_between_the_T...
>> 'Pricasso' <<
Talented exhibitionist paints portraits with
his knob. They're not too bad really, although
you wouldn't want one - it'd be a bit like he'd
rubbed his willy on your face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Turn a torch into a laser <<
Not only is this an extremely cool thing to
have - a hand-held burning laser - but we love
the voiceover, which makes the whole project
seem very easy: "Just remount the diode in an
AixiZ Laser Module..."
http://snipurl.com/arghmyeyes
>> Wanking dog <<
A randy pooch frantically administering
self-love while balanced precariously on his
hind legs. Worth a look. Not sure if it's NSFW
- almost certainly if you happen to work with
dogs of conservative morals.
http://www.redtube.com/6303
>> Bearforce One <<
A boy band of gay bears. Starts a little slow
but how can you hate a quartet of chunky,
bearded blokes belting out camp classic
covers. It's like the b3ta iPod on party
shuffle.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Toilet seat bidet/enema/colon cleanser <<
Wince-inducing ad for a bathroom accessory that
leaves you thoroughly cleaned. If you sit
through the testimonials to about halfway
through you get to see a woman wiping shit off
her hand. Yes, well, your mileage may vary.
http://shanghaiist.com/2007/09/10/new_bidet_that.p...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now incorporating 'cock photo weekly'
* DICK TRICKLE - Famed stock car racer. We
couldn't keep a straight face when this profile
started talking about the time "Trickle headed
south".
http://www.stock-car-racing.net/Dick-Trickle.htm
* GIANT COCKS FROM SPACE - well, visible from
Google Earth's spy in the sky. Here's one on
the Isle of Wight:
http://snipurl.com/spacecock
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Ninja Challenge
Last week we wanted you to devise ninja
weapons out of ordinary objects.
Your favourites included:
* IKEA - Smart förvaring för hallen,
tvättstugan, vinden, källaren och garaget
(Mighty Nibus)
* PRICKS - Every ninja needs a hedgehog cosh
(Cape Perna)
* STARS - Impressive appearance of the
memed-to-death Tesco cliché in the top three
(Monty Propps)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ninja/
>> New challenge: Diana <<
It's been a full decade since the People's
Princess tragically lost her life, and b3ta has
never properly paid tribute. It's time to put
that right.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/diana/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
MC PIKEY ON MYSPACE - long-term readers may
remember Issue 46 where we introduced urban
poet MC Pikey, who was in reality, the Ginger
Fuhrer's wife... Apparently the MP3 was listened
by a few, as a quick google reveals comments
like, "...much better than MC Pitman who I
considered to be menacing and largely
unassuming..." Anyway, we thought Pikey needs
his own Myspace page, and as a special treat,
two extra tracks recorded at the time.
Altogether now, "Norf London!"
http://www.myspace.com/mcpikeymcpikey
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HOTORNOT PHOTOSHOP CHALLENGE - BeardedWhumpus
wonders, "take a photo of someone, photoshop it
to make them look nicer, and put both pictures
on Hot or Not. The point being to find out: How
much fitter can photoshop make you?"
* A FACEBOOK APPLICATION GENERATOR - there's
probably a business model here. Create a couple
of simple 'white label' facebook apps, you know
the type: give a gift, or those vampire /
zombie games of tick. Allow developers to
customise the GFX and roll them out to their
users. You'll be rich, maybe.
* BUTTON THAT TAKES "TRAFFIC SHAPING" and
SHOVES IT UP VIRGIN MEDIA'S ARSE - their
service has been rotten since they took over
Telewest, and now they've broken our torrents.
Bunch of hamtouchers.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Yank Meoff,
FILTHIO, phix65, ebuckling, fse357, waxdart,
scottaldred, jangle, dazd, dominic fitzsimmons,
hahn, Alex Conroy and deeko99 Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subject line props
to dbroon.
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SICKIPEDIA:
What's got wings and sucks blood? Always Ultra.
http://www.sickipedia.org/tag/periods
