NEWSLETTER: "ARTHUR SCARGILL: A BIOGRAPHY OF A MINER CELEBRITY (AND STILL ONLY 55P!)"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Cat on treadmill
* PORN BLOOPERS - "You've spooged the wrong face"
* QUESTION - Confess your voyeurisms
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're smashing the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| system... later"
B3ta 298 - 12 Oct 07 - Happy Birthday Les Dennis!
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue298/
James Doohan: [email protected]
Simon Pegg: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Ginger Footballer Quiz
Period head, Duracell, baked beans, ginger
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from Fanbanta.
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want ad props? Then book "team sausage".
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Stuff, nonsense and poppycocks
>> Drive-by projecting <<
Wordbomb has scored himself a poncey projector
and has been amusing himself by sticking
messages on the street, in a light grafitti
stylee. Best bit? Projecting rain and an
umbrella onto some unsuspecting wazzock.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Drive_by_Projecting
>> Mr Potatohead obscura <<
MrTruffle lisps, "I've done a collection of
less-popular franchises like Clockwork Orange,
Hellboy, Scream and rendered them as Mr.
Potatoheads. And not in a shit way, I actually
wasted many hours and money doing this shit."
http://mrpotatomash.com/
>> Quopedia vandalism <<
"Hello b3ta Towers," blurps danbull45, "We
would like to divulge to you the following very
sinister secret. Using a variety of aliases and
cunning page edits, we have now subtly shopped
Status Quo into nearly 200 different photos on
Wikipedia. Our aim is for every image in
Wikipedia to have Teh Quo hidden somewhere
within it. We'd like to show you the fruits of
our labour, but for obvious reasons can't
reveal the location of each image - so here is
a taster of our handiwork. Perhaps your
newsletter's readers could aid us in our
glorious mission?"
http://snipurl.com/jpegsofmatchstickmen
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Insults
Last week we asked for your best insults.
Pooflake kind of stole the show with an
excellent guide to building your own custom
insult for any occasion. Read it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/insults/
Here are three that tickled us:
* KIT-KATS "A friend of mine went into the late
night garage. The obnoxious woman who worked
there was serving... 'Can I have a Kit-Kat
Chunky?' She brings him over a Kit-Kat Chunky.
'What's this? I asked for a Kit-Kat.' (lofichic)
* DO YOU GOT A MAN? "A few years ago I took my
life in my hands by getting a bus into
Birmingham city centre. On the top deck, at the
back were a group of wannabe gangstas' wives
with one arsey-looking lad sitting there like
the king pimp. The girls were loudy, excitedly
and incessantly carping on about their
boyfriends in that ghetto trash Jerry
Springer-esque way (but with Brummie accents),
with head wobbling from side to side and
gesticulations aplenty in the 'talk to the
hand'-type fashion. 'If he was my man I
wouldn't let him treat me like 'dat' 'My man
gotta treat me wiv respect' 'That boy would get
no lovin' off me if he was my man and did 'dat
to me' 'If my man mess with me he get his dick
cut off I'm tellin ya.' King Pimp had sat
silently until now, but he was becoming visibly
more and more annoyed, finally losing his
patience. He pointed at each of the girls in
turn: 'Do you got a man?' 'No' 'Do you got a
man?' 'No' 'Do you got a man?' 'No' 'Do YOU got
a man?' 'No' ... 'I rest my case.' They all
shut up for the rest of the journey."
(abefroman)
* THE F-WORD "My mother teaches some special
needs children. One boy came crying to her that
another boy had called him the F-word.
Obviously she knew what word that was, but for
some reason asked him to write it down. He did
so and moments later she picked up the piece of
paper which read: 'He called me fick.'"
(Cuthbert Annihilator )
>> This Week's Question <<
Do you like to watch? Ever caught someone
watching you? Tell us all about the perils of
voyeurism:
http://b3ta.com/questions/voyeurism/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Ugly lookalikes <<
Loving this collection of celebrity photos
munted down to looking, at best, average. At
its strongest when you catch yourself looking
intently at a pic, thinking, "My God, Nicole
Kidman isn't wearing so well these days."
http://planethiltron.com/
>> Blessed Virgin Mary thumbdrive <<
Jesus wept, it's a USB drive of Divine
motherhood. Frankly, if it wasn't such a lousy
capacity, we'd be tempted. It's the the mother
of Christ - they could have at least shelled
out for 2gb.
http://snipurl.com/mymemoryisveryholy
>> Sausages <<
For kids grown fat on the sweetmeats of
YouTube, there's still a hunger for the funny
flash loops of yore. Taking the throne from
ytmnd.com comes pown.alluc.org, from where this
clip most likely comes.
http://silentwulf.com/flash/700.swf
>> Beatles in one hour <<
Eight Beatles albums sped-up 800% to sound like
gibberish, the fun comes in slowing them back
down to hear the damage the compression has
wrought. The end result sounds like the dead
are singing in our dreams again.
http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2007/10/the-complete...
>> Lolcats bible wiki <<
You'd think there can't be any more mileage
left in the lolcats meme. But not, as luvtub
says, "Here's the opportunity to be a part of
history. Help translate The Holy Bible into
kitty pidgin (i.e. Teh Holiez Bibul), the
language of lolcats." Despite ourselves, we are
moderately amused.
http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php
>> Paedo blow-job slippers <<
Causing huge debate in the B3ta HQ, Dave:
"They're so cute. I know my son would love
them." Rob: "But it's the perfect height for
peado oral!" Dave: "Exactly."
http://www.com-pa-ny.com/shop/salakauppa/tanssipag...
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: GOOGLE GAMES
Pronny girl names
We invented a little google images game last
night: type in a lady's name and see if you can
find one where the first result page doesn't
contain porn. Oh yeah, obviously you'll want
the google NSFW filters turned off. So far we
reckon:
Nigella, Thomasina & Shilpa = win
Jade, Helen & Dorothy = lose
If someone wants to try and work out a chart of
the top ten porniest, and least pornsome
feminine nomenclature, then we'd be moderately
amused to see it.
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
For those who can't make Stage6 work
>> PM's wife cock jacket shock <<
Sarah Brown's inexplicable choice of
phallic-motif clothing accompanying a Channel 4
News story as to how Gordon is broadening his
appeal to women.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Cat on a treadmill <<
Poor November - incredibly cute cat perplexed
by diabolical exercise machinery. Power ballad
accompaniment adds thrills to the sight of her
puzzled feline features as she's carried off
the far end once again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Human waves <<
We like our personal space and respect that of
others, that's why we could never enjoy this
Japanese leisure centre where the pool is so
crowded it's actually more akin to a lukewarm
human stew. You'd have a pretty good chance of
crowd surfing across their heads.
http://snipurl.com/sowhofarted
>> Don't visit 2 girls 1 cup <<
Amusing reaction shot of people visiting one of
the more recent crop of shock sites. We presume
that the retching roughly coincides with the
on-screen pooping. This is safe for work, the
shock site clearly is not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Weird auditory illusion <<
Watch the video through. Now watch it again.
Freakily, the note continues to rise through
subsequent viewings. After 12 times it can only
be heard by dogs and Superman. We presume.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/859124/amazing_audio...
>> Hitler rapping <<
Better than your average Hitler mash. This one
has the floppy-fringed fascist delivering an
aggressive rhyme about his lyrical skills, over
the top of Leni Reifanstahl's Triumph of the
Will. Oh, he's just too precious!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> It's the wrong face <<
Warning, this is porn, yes PORN. It's not for
the workplace. Unless you work in porn.
Nonetheless, very funny blooper with some dodgy
targeting at a critical point in this
three-person menage.
http://www.youporn.com/watch/32905
>> GI Jonny <<
"I've actually found a reason why paying for a
TV licence may be worthwhile," confides
tedalaki, "I’m a happy man now, knowing my £120
a year has been used by the Beeb to create GI
Jonny and Captain Bareback. Who cares if it's
actually a sexual health video there’s a
fucking spunking Action Man!" We were very
pleased to receive this (actually genuine
email), as guess who was the co-writer on this
little vid? Sir Robert of Manuel. Yay.
http://www.gijonny.co.uk/video.shtml
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Diana Challenge
Last week we wanted you to pay tribute to the
People's Princess.
Your favourites included:
* DIDO - The talented songstress must be
terrified from dusk till dawn (stevepetmonkey)
* HAMSTER - startling new evidence revealed
(The Great Architect)
* MUTTLEY - After ten tears of investigation,
this is the most likely explanation for our
Princess of Hearts untimely demise (Roodie
Doodie)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/diana/
>> New challenge: Inappropriate Actors <<
Brian Blessed in the Horse Whisperer. Chris
Langham as the Child Catcher. This week's
challenge is to portray actors playing
inappropriate roles. Challenge suggested by The
Coast of Yemen.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/actors/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
RATTLESNAKE BITE ARM - "Thanks guys & gals,"
whimpers Rubberducky. "I can now say that I
have finally seen everything I need to on the
internets. I've browsed rotten.com, witnessed
all manner of orifice-extending porn, survived
4chan and seen the lancing of the world's
biggest boil. Aforementioned dude's arm,
however, has finally convinced me to burn my
computer, quit my job and piss-off into the
hills to live a life of hermitude and daily
mind-bleaching. Unless some cunting snake
fancies chowing down on my arm." Always glad to
help, mate.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Winterbells
Just how does Ferry Halim do it? How does he
make things of such glowing beauty just from
globbing a few clumps of Flash together? Here,
you play a snowy bunny, hopping along a trail
of silver bells high into the crystal-clear
winter sky. Only 80 wanking days to jizzmass
etc.
http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SECRET RUDE MESSAGES - Lazer Fury writes, "I
wish people would add messages to the Daily
Mail comments section where the first letter of
each sentence spells 'die nazi scum' or
something" Sounds like a great community
project if someone can be arsed to organise it?
* WIKIOCRACY - we reckon a possible future of
government is giving power back to the people
and have all policy issues decided by the
members of the public who care via a wiki.
However, as no politician ever seeks power for
the purpose of giving it away, this is unlikely
to happen any time soon. We suggest writing a
Das Kapital for the 21st Century, and getting
yourself a nice fat book deal.
* FAT PEOPLE ON A TRAMPOLINE - a friend of ours
has recently got so fat that he's had to buy a
specially reinforced trampoline to exercise on.
Despite our pleas that a video of naked fatty
on a trampoline would be the best thing in the
world, he refuses to perform like a trained
(fat) monkey. Maybe you will?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by matt 'china white'
smith, hahn, Emily Bruce-Dickinson, zed192,
Gerbilinafishtank, whatsinaname, h.a.m.maassen,
Kingtoke, finnbar and Obz. Top Tippery by
G_whizz. Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
We're Xing the Y: Red Rocket. Subject line:
Wasp Box. Curly quotes to b4ta. (657668)
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: TOP TIP, THE RETURN
Torrenting suddenly slowed down? To avoid ISP
traffic shaping, you can turn on torrent
encryption in Azureus and get round most
traffic shapers. Apparently.
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: SICKIPEDIA
How do you know if your girlfriend is too young
for you? You have to make aeroplane noises to
get your cock in her mouth.
http://www.sickipedia.org/get.php
