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This Week:
* VIDEO - Cat on treadmill
* PORN BLOOPERS - "You've spooged the wrong face"
* QUESTION - Confess your voyeurisms

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're smashing the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       system... later"

B3ta 298 - 12 Oct 07 - Happy Birthday Les Dennis!

Read this issue in your browser:

    James Doohan:  [email protected]
    Simon Pegg:  [email protected]

  Ginger Footballer Quiz

  Period head, Duracell, baked beans, ginger
  nuts, carrot top, and fire crotch. All phrases
  we can't use to promote the latest soccer quiz
  from Fanbanta.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want ad props? Then book "team sausage".


  Stuff, nonsense and poppycocks

  >> Drive-by projecting <<
  Wordbomb has scored himself a poncey projector
  and has been amusing himself by sticking
  messages on the street, in a light grafitti
  stylee. Best bit? Projecting rain and an
  umbrella onto some unsuspecting wazzock.

  >> Mr Potatohead obscura <<
  MrTruffle lisps, "I've done a collection of
  less-popular franchises like Clockwork Orange,
  Hellboy, Scream and rendered them as  Mr.
  Potatoheads. And not in a shit way, I actually
  wasted many hours and money doing this shit." 

  >> Quopedia vandalism <<
  "Hello b3ta Towers," blurps danbull45, "We
  would like to divulge to you the following very
  sinister secret. Using a variety of aliases and
  cunning page edits, we have now subtly shopped
  Status Quo into nearly 200 different photos on
  Wikipedia. Our aim is for every image in
  Wikipedia to have Teh Quo hidden somewhere
  within it. We'd like to show you the fruits of
  our labour, but for obvious reasons can't
  reveal the location of each image - so here is
  a taster of our handiwork. Perhaps your
  newsletter's readers could aid us in our
  glorious mission?"



  Last week we asked for your best insults.
  Pooflake kind of stole the show with an
  excellent guide to building your own custom
  insult for any occasion. Read it here:

  Here are three that tickled us:

  * KIT-KATS "A friend of mine went into the late
  night garage. The obnoxious woman who worked
  there was serving... 'Can I have a Kit-Kat
  Chunky?' She brings him over a Kit-Kat Chunky.
  'What's this? I asked for a Kit-Kat.' (lofichic)

  * DO YOU GOT A MAN? "A few years ago I took my
  life in my hands by getting a bus into
  Birmingham city centre. On the top deck, at the
  back were a group of wannabe gangstas' wives
  with one arsey-looking lad sitting there like
  the king pimp. The girls were loudy, excitedly
  and incessantly carping on about their
  boyfriends in that ghetto trash Jerry
  Springer-esque way (but with Brummie accents),
  with head wobbling from side to side and
  gesticulations aplenty in the 'talk to the
  hand'-type fashion. 'If he was my man I
  wouldn't let him treat me like 'dat' 'My man
  gotta treat me wiv respect' 'That boy would get
  no lovin' off me if he was my man and did 'dat
  to me' 'If my man mess with me he get his dick
  cut off I'm tellin ya.' King Pimp had sat
  silently until now, but he was becoming visibly
  more and more annoyed, finally losing his
  patience. He pointed at each of the girls in
  turn: 'Do you got a man?' 'No' 'Do you got a
  man?' 'No' 'Do you got a man?' 'No' 'Do YOU got
  a man?' 'No' ... 'I rest my case.' They all
  shut up for the rest of the journey."

  * THE F-WORD "My mother teaches some special
  needs children. One boy came crying to her that
  another boy had called him the F-word.
  Obviously she knew what word that was, but for
  some reason asked him to write it down. He did
  so and moments later she picked up the piece of
  paper which read: 'He called me fick.'"
  (Cuthbert Annihilator )

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Do you like to watch? Ever caught someone
  watching you? Tell us all about the perils of


  Broadband for gamers!

  Is your ping time pants? Getting fragged
  because of lag? Then get your hands on PlusNet
  Broadband Your Way Pro, where all gaming
  traffic is prioritised. Of course, if you're
  just crap, we can't help you. Winners of Custom
  PC's Best ISP Award.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Ugly lookalikes <<
  Loving this collection of celebrity photos
  munted down to looking, at best, average. At
  its strongest when you catch yourself looking
  intently at a pic, thinking, "My God, Nicole
  Kidman isn't wearing so well these days."

  >> Blessed Virgin Mary thumbdrive <<
  Jesus wept, it's a USB drive of Divine
  motherhood. Frankly, if it wasn't such a lousy
  capacity, we'd be tempted. It's the the mother
  of Christ - they could have at least shelled
  out for 2gb.

  >> Sausages <<
  For kids grown fat on the sweetmeats of
  YouTube, there's still a hunger for the funny
  flash loops of yore. Taking the throne from
  ytmnd.com comes pown.alluc.org, from where this
  clip most likely comes. 

  >> Beatles in one hour <<
  Eight Beatles albums sped-up 800% to sound like
  gibberish, the fun comes in slowing them back
  down to hear the damage the compression has
  wrought. The end result sounds like the dead
  are singing in our dreams again.

  >> Lolcats bible wiki <<
  You'd think there can't be any more mileage
  left in the lolcats meme. But not, as luvtub
  says, "Here's the opportunity to be a part of
  history.  Help translate The Holy Bible into
  kitty pidgin (i.e. Teh Holiez Bibul), the
  language of lolcats." Despite ourselves, we are
  moderately amused. 

  >> Paedo blow-job slippers <<
  Causing huge debate in the B3ta HQ, Dave:
  "They're so cute. I know my son would love
  them." Rob: "But it's the perfect height for
  peado oral!" Dave: "Exactly."


  Pronny girl names

  We invented a little google images game last
  night: type in a lady's name and see if you can
  find one where the first result page doesn't
  contain porn. Oh yeah, obviously you'll want
  the google NSFW filters turned off. So far we

  Nigella, Thomasina & Shilpa = win
  Jade, Helen & Dorothy = lose

  If someone wants to try and work out a chart of
  the top ten porniest, and least pornsome
  feminine nomenclature, then we'd be moderately
  amused to see it.


  For those who can't make Stage6 work

  >> PM's wife cock jacket shock <<
  Sarah Brown's inexplicable choice of
  phallic-motif clothing accompanying a Channel 4
  News story as to how Gordon is broadening his
  appeal to women.

  >> Cat on a treadmill <<
  Poor November - incredibly cute cat perplexed
  by diabolical exercise machinery. Power ballad
  accompaniment adds thrills to the sight of her
  puzzled feline features as she's carried off
  the far end once again. 

  >> Human waves <<
  We like our personal space and respect that of
  others, that's why we could never enjoy this
  Japanese leisure centre where the pool is so
  crowded it's actually more akin to a lukewarm
  human stew. You'd have a pretty good chance of
  crowd surfing across their heads.

  >> Don't visit 2 girls 1 cup <<
  Amusing reaction shot of people visiting one of
  the more recent crop of shock sites. We presume
  that the retching roughly coincides with the
  on-screen pooping. This is safe for work, the
  shock site clearly is not.

  >> Weird auditory illusion <<
  Watch the video through. Now watch it again.
  Freakily, the note continues to rise through
  subsequent viewings. After 12 times it can only
  be heard by dogs and Superman. We presume.

  >> Hitler rapping <<
  Better than your average Hitler mash. This one
  has the floppy-fringed fascist delivering an
  aggressive rhyme about his lyrical skills, over
  the top of Leni Reifanstahl's Triumph of the
  Will. Oh, he's just too precious!

  >> It's the wrong face <<
  Warning, this is porn, yes PORN. It's not for
  the workplace. Unless you work in porn.
  Nonetheless, very funny blooper with some dodgy
  targeting at a critical point in this
  three-person menage.

  >> GI Jonny <<
  "I've actually found a reason why paying for a
  TV licence may be worthwhile," confides
  tedalaki, "I’m a happy man now, knowing my £120
  a year has been used by the Beeb to create GI
  Jonny and Captain Bareback. Who cares if it's
  actually a sexual health video there’s a
  fucking spunking Action Man!" We were very
  pleased to receive this (actually genuine
  email), as guess who was the co-writer on this
  little vid? Sir Robert of Manuel. Yay.


  Results from the Diana Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to pay tribute to the
  People's Princess.

  Your favourites included:
  * DIDO - The talented songstress must be
  terrified from dusk till dawn (stevepetmonkey)

  * HAMSTER - startling new evidence revealed
  (The Great Architect)

  * MUTTLEY - After ten tears of investigation,
  this is the most likely explanation for our
  Princess of Hearts untimely demise (Roodie

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Inappropriate Actors <<
  Brian Blessed in the Horse Whisperer. Chris
  Langham as the Child Catcher. This week's
  challenge is to portray actors playing
  inappropriate roles. Challenge suggested by The
  Coast of Yemen.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  RATTLESNAKE BITE ARM - "Thanks guys & gals,"
  whimpers Rubberducky. "I can now say that I
  have finally seen everything I need to on the
  internets. I've browsed rotten.com, witnessed
  all manner of orifice-extending porn, survived
  4chan and seen the lancing of the world's
  biggest boil. Aforementioned dude's arm,
  however, has finally convinced me to burn my
  computer, quit my job and piss-off into the
  hills to live a life of hermitude and daily
  mind-bleaching. Unless some cunting snake
  fancies chowing down on my arm." Always glad to
  help, mate.



  Just how does Ferry Halim do it? How does he
  make things of such glowing beauty just from
  globbing a few clumps of Flash together? Here,
  you play a snowy bunny, hopping along a trail
  of silver bells high into the crystal-clear
  winter sky. Only 80 wanking days to jizzmass



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SECRET RUDE MESSAGES - Lazer Fury writes, "I
  wish people would add messages to the Daily
  Mail comments section where the first letter of
  each sentence spells 'die nazi scum' or
  something" Sounds like a great community
  project if someone can be arsed to organise it?

  * WIKIOCRACY - we reckon a possible future of
  government is giving power back to the people
  and have all policy issues decided by the
  members of the public who care via a wiki.
  However, as no politician ever seeks power for
  the purpose of giving it away, this is unlikely
  to happen any time soon. We suggest writing a
  Das Kapital for the 21st Century, and getting
  yourself a nice fat book deal.

  * FAT PEOPLE ON A TRAMPOLINE - a friend of ours
  has recently got so fat that he's had to buy a
  specially reinforced trampoline to exercise on.
  Despite our pleas that a video of naked fatty
  on a trampoline would be the best thing in the
  world, he refuses to perform like a trained
  (fat) monkey. Maybe you will?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by matt 'china white'
  smith, hahn, Emily Bruce-Dickinson, zed192,
  Gerbilinafishtank, whatsinaname, h.a.m.maassen,
  Kingtoke, finnbar and Obz. Top Tippery by
  G_whizz. Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  We're Xing the Y: Red Rocket. Subject line:
  Wasp Box. Curly quotes to b4ta. (657668)

  Torrenting suddenly slowed down? To avoid ISP
  traffic shaping, you can turn on torrent
  encryption in Azureus and get round  most
  traffic shapers. Apparently.



  How do you know if your girlfriend is too young
  for you? You have to make aeroplane noises to
  get your cock in her mouth.

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