NEWSLETTER: "THE FAVOURITE READ OF THE TAPAS BAR NINE"
This Week:
* TRIP - B3ta visits Imperial War Museum
* QUESTION - Abusing freebies
* OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE - Another lolcats gag
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "The newsletter
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | formally knows
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| as... Prince"
B3ta email 207 - 9 Nov 2007
Safari... So goody:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue302/
German Beer: [email protected]
Fosters: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Five way b3ta peeps linky spaz action
>> Newsletter team VS. Tanks <<
Your Ginger Moses and his put-upon amanuensis,
Davealina have taken a day off from panning for
linky gold in the cyber-sewage farm and took a
visit to the Imperial War Museum. It's a bit
"what we did in our holidays" but if you have a
high tolerance for mediocrity then you'll be as
happy as a pig in a moderate quality of
slightly dry shit.
http://www.b3ta.com/features/imperialwarmuseum/
>> Internet love song <<
Hexachordal has been singing about the web, so
if you want a song with lyrics "lol rofl lmao
omg" then you've come the right place.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Internet_Love_Song
>> Celebrity puns <<
Giant_squid has glued together all the worst
'Wesley Snipes' nominative determinist
celebrity gags into song form. Blimey, the
sheer pun density is exhausting.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Wesley_Snipes_Song
>> LOLinator: i can haz websiet? <<
Malevole - best known for his 'Programming
Language Inventor or Serial Killer?' quiz has
resurrected his viral schmiral skills from the
grave and asks you to, "Take a peek into an
alternate universe where LOLcats created the
web." Basically you type in a web address and
it fills up with kittens.
http://lolinator.com/
>> Veitch sings about his cock <<
Our theory with Joel is that he's always better
when he's just being disgusting. For example,
singing about his mostly impressive cock and
ball combination.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Donkey_Song
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Stupid Dares
Last week we wanted to see just how stupid your
friends were:
http://b3ta.com/questions/stupiddares/
* "If you're walking home from the pub, drunk
and your mate dares you to run over the next
parked car you see, don't do it. It might have
a full length Webasto sunroof. You might go
right through said roof. You might snap your
ankle as it hits the steering wheel on the way
in. You might end up buying an unfeasibly
expensive roof to replace the one you wrecked.
But worst of all, the nurse that treats you at
the hospital for your broken ankle, while your
details are being taken down by a policeman,
might, JUST MIGHT be your girlfriend's mum.
Bugger." (Cmpod83)
* "Saturday afternoon in the pub as a student
and after one drink and a pickled egg, I was
skint. So my friends clubbed together and
offered me 20 pounds if I ate the rest of the
pickled eggs in the jar. There were 19 more
eggs. We asked the barmaid to line them up on
the bar in shot glasses. We'd attracted quite a
crowd of locals by now, so there was no going
back. Egg 1 was fine; I like pickled eggs; this
was going to be a breeze. Egg 2 still good. By
egg 4, the dry yolk texture was beginning to
dry my mouth out and the rubbery white was
making me feel ill. By egg 12, the crowd had
subsided, people had lost interest as this was
taking some time! Egg 19 finally came and I
quietly collected my money and went off to the
toilet to be sick. It turns out that after 20
pickled eggs, it's quite hard to be sick. So I
spent the rest of the evening feeling really
rough and the money I had earned for more
drinks was useless. I didn't poo for a week and
when I did, it was like two coke cans placed on
top of each other. I had to get a stick from
the garden to help it through the u-bend."
(Wildyles)
* "A friend of mine was on the University of
Buffalo football team as a corner back. On
their way to the bars, he and his team-mates
would pass by the University Security building.
One night they noticed that the sign for the
Security office was a sheet of plywood mounted
on two posts at either end. So one of them ran
like hell and leapt feet first at it.
Splintered plywood flew everywhere, and they
all laughed as they legged it out of there. The
following week a new sign was made and
installed, and again the guy launched himself
through it. The same performance occurred the
following week as well. The week after that
they saw the nice brand-new sign, and his
team-mates dared him to break that one as well.
The guy let out a mighty scream and ran at it
full tilt, flying feet first through the air.
You know how Wile E. Coyote runs face first
into something and then just kinda drops?
SPANG! *thud* They had replaced the wooden sign
with a rather thick sheet of aluminum." (The
Resident Loon)
>> This Week's Question <<
When offered free stuff, some people just don't
know where to stop. We think you lot are
probably those sorts of people. Just how far
have you taken it?
http://b3ta.com/questions/abusingfreebies/
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: SHITES IN BRIEFS
Stuff we grudgingly like from non-b3ta scumbags
>> Album cover montage <<
Enjoyed these 'make new images from old' by
placing album covers together. Imaginative,
simple, and doesn't cheat with photoshop.
http://www.afhakers.nl/media.asp
>> Crap computer games compo <<
Pacman the text adventure is doing the rounds
this week, and annoys us slightly as the joke
has been done a million times before, most
notably by the Crap Computer Games people, who
run a compo every year to make the worst 8-bit
game. Being hardcore, they make you install an
emulator before you can play them, which means
99% of the audience for this brilliant stuff is
lost. But fuck it, we're linking it anyway.
http://www.unsatisfactorysoftware.co.uk/csscgc/css...
>> Hello Kitty Bank Account <<
"Would you like a Hello Kitty bank account?"
enquires Jake. Actually, what we'd really like
would be to print our own designs on debit
cards. We've racked our brain to think of the
worst thing, goatse, the image of another
credit card, but for sheer potential annoyance
we like the idea of prominently marking it
"cancelled, do not accept".
http://www.dahsing.com.hk/dsb/rbd/html/iac_pink_e....
>> Lottery scratch card thicko confusion <<
We don't normally cover news stories, but
everybody likes a good chortle at the clueless.
A National Lottery scratchcard game has had to
withdrawn, due to people not understanding the
concept of negative numbers.
http://snipurl.com/stupidgets
>> Poor hamster <<
Cute song listing all of the unfortunate fates
that could befall your tiny rodent chum. We can
all thank god that there, but for a quirk of
evolution, could be us.
http://poorhamster.ytmnd.com/
>> Jimmy Carter: cat murderer <<
Actual archival evidence showing a peculiar
side to the ex-US president. To be fair, he
didn't intentionally kill it; "I fired from
some distance with bird shot". And this man had
his finger on the nukes button! Gah!
http://emptyage.honan.net/mth/2007/11/jimmy-carter...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like VHS but without the rewinding
>> 2 girls 1 cup love song <<
Musical tribute to the ubiquitous lesbian poop
& puke site. The video's made funnier by the
pretty-boy singer/songwriter's, dare we say it,
po-faced attitude to the subject matter.
http://snipurl.com/alovesong
>> Rocky in five seconds <<
Extremely brief re-edit of the entire Rocky
canon, saying all that needs to be said. The
bloke who did it has a fair few vids up on
YouTube; some real gems among them.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rocky_in_5_seconds
>> Manchester News <<
We can't but fear this comedy sketch dates back
to the Nineties, but that doesn't make us love
it any less. A news crew canvases opinion from
the 'mad for it' denizens of Manchester. Freaky
dancing ensues.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Manchester_News
>> Writers' Guild strike explained <<
We've been seeing quite a bit about this
lately, largely as the reason some of our
favourite shows have been delayed. This promo
explains the writers' case succinctly and
convincingly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Writers_Guild_Strike_exp...
>> Unnecessary censorship <<
Great idea: censoring innocent TV clips to
create the impression of naughty concealed
goings-on. A little long, so your mileage may
vary.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/unnecessary_censorship2
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Two-hole vagina acronym special
* TWAT - Props to the dolts at Sony for giving
a leather carrying-case the product code,
TWA/T. "Draw envious looks when you carry your
Cyber-twat" or something like that.
http://snipurl.com/wizardssleeve
* CuNT - When English isn't your first
language, you need to take extra care in
creating acronyms:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/11/09/nanotube_a...
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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
Rubbish t-shirt backlash controversy
Lives.ruined writes, "I really don't want to
believe you've made a post-modern gag t-shirt
out of the activities of someone who raped
children. This is beneath even Nathan Barley
territory." Ho hum, the problem is that telling
us off only makes our behaviour worse. So here
you go, this is for you Mr Lives.ruined, it's
the same crap gag, Mr Swirly, but this time, on
some tits with the stunning pun, "Do you want
to see some puppies?"
http://snipurl.com/puppies_puppies_pups
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Robots Challenge
Last week we wanted to see all things
Robotic.
Your favourites included:
* STRIDING - slightly ominous hot robot action.
Look at the little fellow go! (bloop)
* K9 - it's unbelievable what Dr Who's pooch
gets up to when no-one's looking (HappyToast)
* ROBOCOP - rare footage from Tiananmen Square
shows what the Chinese Government didn't want
you to see (FoldsFive)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/one-word-robots/
>> New challenge: Prince <<
Midget pop mentalist Prince is threatening to
sue his fans for breach of copyright for using
his image on fan-sites. So fire up Photoshop
and give the odious little twerp something to
complain about. Challenge suggested by The
Great Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/prince/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
FART IN THE DUCK TAKES OFF - "Word up," pipes
CCC. "It's gone quite mad, following your
mention of my phonetically-translated Dutch
song in the newsletter. Just for your ref -
some Yankees have even performed it..." FYI the
cover version is at the start of the vid - the
rest is bluegrass music which you are invited
to enjoy or disregard according to personal
preference.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
HOW LONG CAN A PENCIL WRITE? Is a question we
asked last week. Trintrin responds, "It's
somewhere around 30 to 35 miles, depending on
the pressure with which you draw your line. I
have nothing to back this up except that I read
it somewhere on two different occasions. That's
good enough, yes?" Hell yes! Who are we to
doubt your word?
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: FRIDAY GAME
Blocked out!
50 levels of red-hot gaming action, provided
your definition of 'red-hot' tallies with ours.
Move the brown block to the end of the maze,
with rebounds from the side walls being your
only means of manoeuvring. A low-key puzzler
that gets quite challenging as you ratchet up
the levels.
http://www.addictinggames.com/blockout.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* FIZZY PISS - Krang enquires, "Following on
from your 'different food make your wee
smell/look different' newsletter discussions, I
think I may have made a new discovery. I have
been drinking a lot of carbonated water
recently and I think it makes my wee come
out...fizzy! Does anyone know if this is
possible?"
* IS IT LEGAL? WIKI - let's put lawyers out of
their jobs by replacing them with a publicly
written wiki. OK, maybe not, but we'd really
like a site that answered our occasional legal
queries in simple plain English.
* RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS CALIFORNICATION
PORTMANTEAU GAME - the rules: Make a word that
starts with a place-name and ends with a sexual
act. Examples include Wolverhamptongue
sandwich, Hackney trembler, Haringey Sex and
Tower Hamlets do it in the road. Can you beat
us?
Send missives via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us. The judges' solution
is final
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Mythbusters: [email protected]
Brainiac: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tom, Newington,
Jake, Curis, Bassie999, and all those other
peeps. Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Troptrip from ziderman2001.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Add friends to
b4ta. (49) Newsletter subject-line from Emvee,
other bits from The Great Architect (twice) and
sibod.
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TOP TIP:
When trying to impress girls on the web, via
bluetooth or dating agency, simply take a
digital photo of your erect cock next to one of
those airline-size cans of coke. It is much
less contentious than getting a small child to
hold it.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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SICKIPEDIA:
What's the difference between Heather Mills and
your car? You don't burst out laughing whenever
your car has a breakdown.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
