This Week: * TRIP - B3ta visits Imperial War Museum * QUESTION - Abusing freebies * OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE - Another lolcats gag ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "The newsletter ___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | formally knows __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| as... Prince" B3ta email 207 - 9 Nov 2007 Safari... So goody: http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue302/ German Beer: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Fosters: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Win a snowboarding holiday Party Hard in the snow with Garnier Fructis Party Hard Ltd Edition in association with O’Neill. You and 4 mates could WIN an amazing snowboarding holiday to Val d’Isere including lift passes, flights and accommodation– plus 3 runners-up get O’Neill boarding jackets and trousers. Enter now at: http://snipr.com/stylecreates >> Sponsor B3ta << Bring home the bacon by putting your marketing chops on our sausages with "it's good to pork." http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Five way b3ta peeps linky spaz action >> Newsletter team VS. Tanks << Your Ginger Moses and his put-upon amanuensis, Davealina have taken a day off from panning for linky gold in the cyber-sewage farm and took a visit to the Imperial War Museum. It's a bit "what we did in our holidays" but if you have a high tolerance for mediocrity then you'll be as happy as a pig in a moderate quality of slightly dry shit. http://www.b3ta.com/features/imperialwarmuseum/ >> Internet love song << Hexachordal has been singing about the web, so if you want a song with lyrics "lol rofl lmao omg" then you've come the right place. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Internet_Love_Song >> Celebrity puns << Giant_squid has glued together all the worst 'Wesley Snipes' nominative determinist celebrity gags into song form. Blimey, the sheer pun density is exhausting. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Wesley_Snipes_Song >> LOLinator: i can haz websiet? << Malevole - best known for his 'Programming Language Inventor or Serial Killer?' quiz has resurrected his viral schmiral skills from the grave and asks you to, "Take a peek into an alternate universe where LOLcats created the web." Basically you type in a web address and it fills up with kittens. http://lolinator.com/ >> Veitch sings about his cock << Our theory with Joel is that he's always better when he's just being disgusting. For example, singing about his mostly impressive cock and ball combination. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Donkey_Song ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Stupid Dares Last week we wanted to see just how stupid your friends were: http://b3ta.com/questions/stupiddares/ * "If you're walking home from the pub, drunk and your mate dares you to run over the next parked car you see, don't do it. It might have a full length Webasto sunroof. You might go right through said roof. You might snap your ankle as it hits the steering wheel on the way in. You might end up buying an unfeasibly expensive roof to replace the one you wrecked. But worst of all, the nurse that treats you at the hospital for your broken ankle, while your details are being taken down by a policeman, might, JUST MIGHT be your girlfriend's mum. Bugger." (Cmpod83) * "Saturday afternoon in the pub as a student and after one drink and a pickled egg, I was skint. So my friends clubbed together and offered me 20 pounds if I ate the rest of the pickled eggs in the jar. There were 19 more eggs. We asked the barmaid to line them up on the bar in shot glasses. We'd attracted quite a crowd of locals by now, so there was no going back. Egg 1 was fine; I like pickled eggs; this was going to be a breeze. Egg 2 still good. By egg 4, the dry yolk texture was beginning to dry my mouth out and the rubbery white was making me feel ill. By egg 12, the crowd had subsided, people had lost interest as this was taking some time! Egg 19 finally came and I quietly collected my money and went off to the toilet to be sick. It turns out that after 20 pickled eggs, it's quite hard to be sick. So I spent the rest of the evening feeling really rough and the money I had earned for more drinks was useless. I didn't poo for a week and when I did, it was like two coke cans placed on top of each other. I had to get a stick from the garden to help it through the u-bend." (Wildyles) * "A friend of mine was on the University of Buffalo football team as a corner back. On their way to the bars, he and his team-mates would pass by the University Security building. One night they noticed that the sign for the Security office was a sheet of plywood mounted on two posts at either end. So one of them ran like hell and leapt feet first at it. Splintered plywood flew everywhere, and they all laughed as they legged it out of there. The following week a new sign was made and installed, and again the guy launched himself through it. The same performance occurred the following week as well. The week after that they saw the nice brand-new sign, and his team-mates dared him to break that one as well. The guy let out a mighty scream and ran at it full tilt, flying feet first through the air. You know how Wile E. Coyote runs face first into something and then just kinda drops? SPANG! *thud* They had replaced the wooden sign with a rather thick sheet of aluminum." (The Resident Loon) >> This Week's Question << When offered free stuff, some people just don't know where to stop. We think you lot are probably those sorts of people. Just how far have you taken it? http://b3ta.com/questions/abusingfreebies/ ------------------------------------------------- : SHITES IN BRIEFS Stuff we grudgingly like from non-b3ta scumbags >> Album cover montage << Enjoyed these 'make new images from old' by placing album covers together. Imaginative, simple, and doesn't cheat with photoshop. http://www.afhakers.nl/media.asp >> Crap computer games compo << Pacman the text adventure is doing the rounds this week, and annoys us slightly as the joke has been done a million times before, most notably by the Crap Computer Games people, who run a compo every year to make the worst 8-bit game. Being hardcore, they make you install an emulator before you can play them, which means 99% of the audience for this brilliant stuff is lost. But fuck it, we're linking it anyway. http://www.unsatisfactorysoftware.co.uk/csscgc/css... >> Hello Kitty Bank Account << "Would you like a Hello Kitty bank account?" enquires Jake. Actually, what we'd really like would be to print our own designs on debit cards. We've racked our brain to think of the worst thing, goatse, the image of another credit card, but for sheer potential annoyance we like the idea of prominently marking it "cancelled, do not accept". http://www.dahsing.com.hk/dsb/rbd/html/iac_pink_e.... >> Lottery scratch card thicko confusion << We don't normally cover news stories, but everybody likes a good chortle at the clueless. A National Lottery scratchcard game has had to withdrawn, due to people not understanding the concept of negative numbers. http://snipurl.com/stupidgets >> Poor hamster << Cute song listing all of the unfortunate fates that could befall your tiny rodent chum. We can all thank god that there, but for a quirk of evolution, could be us. http://poorhamster.ytmnd.com/ >> Jimmy Carter: cat murderer << Actual archival evidence showing a peculiar side to the ex-US president. To be fair, he didn't intentionally kill it; "I fired from some distance with bird shot". And this man had his finger on the nukes button! Gah! http://emptyage.honan.net/mth/2007/11/jimmy-carter... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like VHS but without the rewinding >> 2 girls 1 cup love song << Musical tribute to the ubiquitous lesbian poop & puke site. The video's made funnier by the pretty-boy singer/songwriter's, dare we say it, po-faced attitude to the subject matter. http://snipurl.com/alovesong >> Rocky in five seconds << Extremely brief re-edit of the entire Rocky canon, saying all that needs to be said. The bloke who did it has a fair few vids up on YouTube; some real gems among them. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rocky_in_5_seconds >> Manchester News << We can't but fear this comedy sketch dates back to the Nineties, but that doesn't make us love it any less. A news crew canvases opinion from the 'mad for it' denizens of Manchester. Freaky dancing ensues. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Manchester_News >> Writers' Guild strike explained << We've been seeing quite a bit about this lately, largely as the reason some of our favourite shows have been delayed. This promo explains the writers' case succinctly and convincingly. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Writers_Guild_Strike_exp... >> Unnecessary censorship << Great idea: censoring innocent TV clips to create the impression of naughty concealed goings-on. A little long, so your mileage may vary. http://www.b3ta.com/links/unnecessary_censorship2 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Two-hole vagina acronym special * TWAT - Props to the dolts at Sony for giving a leather carrying-case the product code, TWA/T. "Draw envious looks when you carry your Cyber-twat" or something like that. http://snipurl.com/wizardssleeve * CuNT - When English isn't your first language, you need to take extra care in creating acronyms: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/11/09/nanotube_a... ------------------------------------------------- : T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK Rubbish t-shirt backlash controversy Lives.ruined writes, "I really don't want to believe you've made a post-modern gag t-shirt out of the activities of someone who raped children. This is beneath even Nathan Barley territory." Ho hum, the problem is that telling us off only makes our behaviour worse. So here you go, this is for you Mr Lives.ruined, it's the same crap gag, Mr Swirly, but this time, on some tits with the stunning pun, "Do you want to see some puppies?" http://snipurl.com/puppies_puppies_pups ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Robots Challenge Last week we wanted to see all things Robotic. Your favourites included: * STRIDING - slightly ominous hot robot action. Look at the little fellow go! (bloop) * K9 - it's unbelievable what Dr Who's pooch gets up to when no-one's looking (HappyToast) * ROBOCOP - rare footage from Tiananmen Square shows what the Chinese Government didn't want you to see (FoldsFive) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/one-word-robots/ >> New challenge: Prince << Midget pop mentalist Prince is threatening to sue his fans for breach of copyright for using his image on fan-sites. So fire up Photoshop and give the odious little twerp something to complain about. Challenge suggested by The Great Architect. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/prince/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. FART IN THE DUCK TAKES OFF - "Word up," pipes CCC. "It's gone quite mad, following your mention of my phonetically-translated Dutch song in the newsletter. Just for your ref - some Yankees have even performed it..." FYI the cover version is at the start of the vid - the rest is bluegrass music which you are invited to enjoy or disregard according to personal preference. http://www.youtube.com/watch HOW LONG CAN A PENCIL WRITE? Is a question we asked last week. Trintrin responds, "It's somewhere around 30 to 35 miles, depending on the pressure with which you draw your line. I have nothing to back this up except that I read it somewhere on two different occasions. That's good enough, yes?" Hell yes! Who are we to doubt your word? ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Blocked out! 50 levels of red-hot gaming action, provided your definition of 'red-hot' tallies with ours. Move the brown block to the end of the maze, with rebounds from the side walls being your only means of manoeuvring. A low-key puzzler that gets quite challenging as you ratchet up the levels. http://www.addictinggames.com/blockout.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * FIZZY PISS - Krang enquires, "Following on from your 'different food make your wee smell/look different' newsletter discussions, I think I may have made a new discovery. I have been drinking a lot of carbonated water recently and I think it makes my wee come out...fizzy! Does anyone know if this is possible?" * IS IT LEGAL? WIKI - let's put lawyers out of their jobs by replacing them with a publicly written wiki. OK, maybe not, but we'd really like a site that answered our occasional legal queries in simple plain English. * RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS CALIFORNICATION PORTMANTEAU GAME - the rules: Make a word that starts with a place-name and ends with a sexual act. Examples include Wolverhamptongue sandwich, Hackney trembler, Haringey Sex and Tower Hamlets do it in the road. Can you beat us? Send missives via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. The judges' solution is final ------------------------------------------------- Mythbusters: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Brainiac: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tom, Newington, Jake, Curis, Bassie999, and all those other peeps. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Troptrip from ziderman2001. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Add friends to b4ta. (49) Newsletter subject-line from Emvee, other bits from The Great Architect (twice) and sibod. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When trying to impress girls on the web, via bluetooth or dating agency, simply take a digital photo of your erect cock next to one of those airline-size cans of coke. It is much less contentious than getting a small child to hold it. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: What's the difference between Heather Mills and your car? You don't burst out laughing whenever your car has a breakdown. http://www.sickipedia.org/
