NEWSLETTER: "WANTED: NEW PRESENTER FOR CHILDREN'S TV SERIES. MUST LIKE GETTING HANDS DIRTY"
This Week:
* QUESTION - We *heart* pound shops
* VIDEO - Cat Vs Scalextric
* BLIMEY - Drunken dad dancing
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're spiking Britney's
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | drink and stealing her
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| kids... together"
B3ta email 309 - 04 Jan 2008 - Happy New Year!
Email passé? Ride the web-train to futurehampton
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue309/
2008: [email protected]
2007: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Dancing, dating and hoaxing
>> Drunken dad dancing <<
"My parents came home drunk," beams
peakofphysicalfitness, "So I figured hey, I'll
film them!" They're having a little boogie to
some seventies tune and it made us smile.
Apparently his dad is a subscriber so if he's
watching - hellooo!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/146537
>> Grey bloke on internet dating <<
Madridiot's low-key hero gives his thoughts on
romances with racists. Like the little KKK
blokes holding hands - sweet!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> "I am Benazir Bhutto's son" <<
A shocking confession via email from Tonay. "I
made a facebook account pretending to be
Benazir Bhutto's son, Bilawal. I filled my
profile up with lots of quotes from Buffy and
The West Wing, and wrote a statement answering
'my' critics. The world's media swallowed it
up!" We're genuinely appalled by this, what
with the poor woman only just dead, but it is
quite interesting. Peculiar that people would
treat facebook as a credible source of
information but hey. First link is a news
story exposing him, while the second is his
own account of events.
http://snipurl.com/timescunts
http://www.consolecity.com/forum/showthread.php
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Dumb stuff you've done
We held our question open for two weeks due to
Christmas rubbish, but thankfully we set a
good question. After a flurry of editorial mails
we theorised that the best QOTW stuff is
always about people confessing their own
stupidity, so we thought we'd just ask this
directly. Jobs a good 'un.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/dumbthings/
* 'I LOST MY PHONE' MORON
"One night I was being dropped off at home by
a few mates after quite a heavy night
drinking. After fumbling around for my keys, I
realised that my phone wasn't in the pocket
where I usually keep it. Hoping that I'd left
it in the car, as opposed to losing it in the
pub, I quickly rang my friends who were at
that very minute speeding away. The
conversation went something like:
"Hi."
"Hi, have I left my phone in the car, cos I
don't have it?"
"What are you speaking to me on?"
"Shit," (Furness )
* IDIOT SHOE TWAT
"When I was 14 I had a pair of Doc Martin
steel toe-capped boots. I didn't like the yellow
thread on the bottom so spent ages cutting it
off. It turns out that yellow thread isn't
just there for decoration, it holds the sole
on." (fatcock )
* BUNGEE PILLOCK
"As a nipper I saw a program on bungee jumping
and decided that this was the thing for me.
Sadly lacking in things of a bungee-like
quality I got a rope, (old hemp-type, sod-all
elasticity), tied it around one ankle, the
other end to the top of the climbing frame and
jumped off. I hit the ground very hard with
one leg suspended about a foot above the dirt."
>> New question: cheap tat <<
Who doesn't love pound shops? Recently we
bought a hammer for £1 and used it to open a
coconut - so far the head hasn't fallen off but
we know it's only a matter of time. Tell us
your experiences so we for our voyeuristic
giggles.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/cheaptat/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Chris Morris on 9/11 <<
Dull old comedy geeks like us are sad that
Chris Morris doesn't produce the volume of
work he once did, but this audio DVD extra
from The Day Today hints at how good he could
be if he could be arsed to comment on
contemporary events. Here's looking forward to
his rumoured (by a bloke we were chatting to
in the pub) Paedophile Terrorists movie.
http://b3ta.com/links/The_Day_Today_September_11th
>> Boy, this guy really hates horses! <<
"Look, this is a website about horses and how
much we hate them," writes meglos, "They are
gross and stupid and disgusting and smell like
shit. There are flies all over them and they
make dumb noises. HORSES ARE TERRIBLE!!!"
http://horsehater.blogspot.com/
>> Image Challenge with a difference <<
The Soviets are so poor that they have to have
photoshop competitions without Photoshop or
computers. Brilliant - we really should steal
this idea for B3ta.
http://englishrussia.com/
>> Navy viral bollocks <<
"Just thought you might want to know that the
send a message thing from the British Navy at
doesn't filter rude words very well," informs
Naich. "While you can't tell someone to fuck
off, you can say (as an example), 'ram it up
your arse fuckstick'. I now have several
friends who are wondering why the Navy is
insulting them."
http://www.getthemessage.net/
>> Worst chav cars <<
Popular on our links board this week is this
list of "31 awful chavved-up cars." A truly
awful vision of life in the provinces.
http://www.barryboys.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php
>> Tower pixel art <<
This isn't the first or even the last pixel
art tower community project, but the tip of
the tower really works for us.
http://www.goontower.com/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Rescued kittens
Fluffy cat babies saved from horror by
professional photographer Kyle Cassidy. The
shots are all very nice, but as seasoned
connoisseurs of the cute, we feel he missed a
trick by not making more of the cast on that
poor wee mite's little leg. Nonetheless, this
is probably the fluffiest thing you will see
all day.
http://kylecassidy.livejournal.com/374977.html
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
>> Turkish Star Trek <<
It's not entirely coherent, nor is it
definitely genuine, but who can resist sci-fi
made in the seventies for foreign-language TV
and no special effects budget. The
'transporter effect' is particularly fine.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/146235
>> Using a Wii for Virtual Reality <<
Very geeky, but also very cool. Personable
nerd explains how to use the remote from a
Nintendo Wii to track the position of your
head and adjust monitor display accordingly.
The 3D effect is extremely impressive.
However, we're not sure how tongue-in-cheek
the guy is when he rejects a baseball
cap-mounted remote as 'goofy' and instead
plumps for some modified safety goggles with
beams at the sides.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Scalextric v kitten <<
The inevitable consequence of possessing both
pets and small, fast-moving toys. Then it gets
a little strange. This is so slick that we
were half afraid it was some sort of viral
marketing for either racing cars or
interfering cats. Very much recommend you
check out some of the same guy's other vids.
http://b3ta.com/links/Cat_Vs_Scalextric
>> Modern-day Trojan Horse <<
Just how stupid did the ancients have to be,
to allow a wooden statue chock-full of Greeks
to be parked in their city overnight. And yet...
have we learned anything at all from history?
An enterprising crew of blokes sets off with a
horse of their own, to find out.
http://snipurl.com/trojancunts
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: GOATSE OF THE WEEK
Walking with goatse
Extremely strange shock-site reference at
Impossible Pictures, the people who made
Walking With Dinosaurs. Look at the way the
interface loads up. Oh do say you see it too.
It's not just us, is it? Is it?
http://www.impossiblepictures.co.uk/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Extending Album Art Challenge
We recently enjoyed the sleeve face Facebook
group where people stuck LP covers in front of
their heads and took a photo. Thinking that
many of our readers wouldn't own any vinyl, we
modified the idea to 'photoshop what lies
beyond the crop', and quite frankly really
enjoyed your entries.
Our favourites included:
* BEATLES DROP GERBIL - John Lennon once said,
"the Beatles are the biggest bastards on
earth", and look, he was right! (Zak McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7887244
* WEEN/PICARD HEAD NORKS - who knew that the
lovely boobage displayed upon Ween's Chocolate
& Cheese album was actually the Patrick
Stewart's baldy bonce, and his twin brother,
who really should have a mirror universe evil
Spock beard. Damn, and we didn't find any
space for our "To baldly go where no man has
gone before" punnage. (mictoboy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7901566
* GLITTER / NIRVANA - Very funny, but our
inner pedantophile points out that Gary liked
girls rather than boys, and don't most child
enthusiasts bait with puppies rather than
money? But as Futurama co-creator David X
Cohen says, "Reality should not stand in the
way of comedy."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/7887079
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/album_art/
>> New challenge: Movie letter switch <<
Take a movie title and change one letter. Eg.
The Codfather, The Lard of the Rings, or maybe
It's a Wonderful Lime. Make the poster and
show us your work. (Thanks to Aphex The Mink
for the suggestion.)
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/movieletterswitch/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Time-travelling cursors
This game records your cursor movements as you
run through a maze and you wind up
collaborating with past versions of yourself
in order to get past obstacles. A bit tricky
at first but what a clever idea!
http://www.nekogames.jp/mt/2008/01/cursor10.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DEGREES OF ROCK - Sverre writes, "I'd like
to see a Bacon Oracle for music. George
Harrison was in The Beatles with Lennon who
shagged Yoko who inspired some shit band who
warmed up for Arcade Fire."
http://oracleofbacon.org/
* KEVIN GREENING SIMULATOR - a game where you
neck loads of pills whilst indulging in gay
S&M sex whilst attempting to avoid a heart
attack. Not a game you can win we imagine.
Poor Kevin.
* KITTEN VS HELICOPTER - we got one of those
£20 remote control helicopters for Christmas
and if our cat wasn't so old and fat we're
pretty sure we could make an amusing video.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Subj line by The Great Architect.
Other stuff from Veitch, Hairy Twatter,
Fishgoth, Clan Soul, Captain Skippy, krang and
art of work.
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TOP TIP:
Guinness drinkers! Does it hurt to shit? And
is it messy? Wipe your arsehole with baby oil
before taking a dump. It'll just slide out
and only needs a single wipe. (Mr. Squemish
Beamish)
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SICKIPEDIA:
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down
the street one day when they see a pair of
angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing
football in the park. The priest turns to the
rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says, "I
tell you what, let's go and screw those boys."
The rabbi looks at him curiously and
answers, "Out of what?"
http://www.sickipedia.org/
