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This Week:
* DIY - Hampster Davros Dance
* CHALLENGE - Uncropped album art
* QUESTION - "I'm so dumb that I..."

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "GEOFF MAN AYUM BLIND 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    AYEE CANNA SEE ME 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      TURKEY, MAN!"    

B3ta email 308 - 21 Dec 2007

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        Finger:  [email protected]
        Poke:  [email protected]

  Win £5k for beer label design

  Brahma beer, in collaboration with Don't
  Panic, needs you to design their new bottle
  label. Do it real good and you'll not only get
  £5000, but also have your artwork displayed in
  quality retailers throughout the land. Enter
  at as many times as you want!

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Not including the lame xmas virals

  >> Hampster Davros Dance <<
  Oh yes oh yes yes, this is more like the
  projects we like to see on B3ta,
  VampireMonkeyOnSpeed has mashed up an old
  singing hamster toy and turned it into his
  very own leader of the Daleks, Davros. First
  gawp at the photo then giggle at the video.
  Our faith in the world is restored.

  >> Best of Question Swap <<
  Remember Question Swap - if you missed it,
  then think yahoo answers, but peopled by
  mentals. Its creator phantomboner blithers,
  "I've made an eBook. All the best Q&As from
  the site in one handy format. You could
  pretend it was a  Xmas gift and give away to
  newsletter readers." Heh, quite amusing
  actually. It's the randomness of it all that
  makes it compelling.

  >> Naked mankini promo video <<
  "We're doing this show," complains Ryan, "but
  the problem is nobody knows how to use Joost.
  So we made this video and put it on youtube."
  Heh - we're linking this for two reasons: 1,
  we're amused that even the show makers for
  Joost are admitting the platform is useless,
  and 2, it features a bravely cheerful naked
  man dressed in Borat's, swimsuit gallivanting
  around London. What's not to like?


  Evil Pranks
  Last week we asked for the nastiest pranks
  you've played on your mates:

  * "And after nearly a year of groundwork and
  being turned down times beyond number, my
  friend Tom got the girl, the perfect girl, to
  finally go out on a date with him. Tom was
  beside himself. '"I'll take her to the finest
  restaurant in town. The new Thai one - it'll
  be perfect." We're all rooting for Tom. As
  D-Day approaches, we slap him on the back,
  ease his nerves and wish him well. On the
  night itself, most of us have forgotten, but
  not Alan. Oh, no. Alan's car turns up outside
  everyone's house at 8pm, beeping like a
  maniac. What's going on? Ten minutes later the
  answer is clear - we're parked opposite the
  new Thai place. And look, just inside is Tom,
  the happiest man in the world. Al begs
  silence. Al's phone appears. A number is
  dialed. "Hello, Thai Kingdom?" "Good evening,
  this is Doctor Wilkinson of Grantham Hospital.
  Could you please pass on a message to a
  gentleman I believe is dining with you
  tonight? Could you tell him that his wife has
  just gone into labour? Thank you. Good
  evening." The helpful manager strolls over to
  the table. The girl stands up. Slaps him.
  Leaves. He runs after her. A few steps outside
  he pauses, then stops. He sees our car. He
  sees his friends in stitches. He clicks. He
  screams. He runs towards the car, profanities
  flying. Five people are laughing so hard that
  they are in danger of having a cardiac arrest.
  The car lurches away. We have to avoid Tom for
  three weeks..." (Khaos)
  * "My girlfriend is petrified of the
  loft/attic and wont go in unless I'm there, on
  the ladder, head in the loft to make sure
  she's ok and body outside to keep ladder in
  place. She's scared that she'll standing
  between rafters, that the ladder will fall
  away, that the light will go out, that
  insulation will brush against her leg. Oh and
  spiders obviously. I am in no way to make
  jokes about any part of this. The really weird
  thing is that she organised the whole loft so
  I'm not allowed to move stuff or get stuff
  out. The other week, perched on the ladder I
  hatched my plan. When she wasnt looking, I
  ducked down the ladder, knocked the ladder out
  so it crashed down, then hit the ground with a
  loud yell that appeared to just cut off half
  way before lying very still, face down. I
  listened, trying not to laugh at the wild
  hysterical screaming as she ran across the
  loft, losing her footing and, one foot through
  the plasterboard, tripped grabbing the
  extension cable to the lamp we hung up there,
  tearing it out so the light goes off. It all
  took about 5 seconds. I turn over with a big
  smile and look up at her face hanging over the
  hatch literally unable to stop screaming at
  "seeing me dead." It's really weird watching
  the love of your life screaming like her whole
  world just ended. Seriously, try it. She'll
  get over it." (I have run out of coke)
  * "Not really evil, but a few weeks ago I went
  into Waterstones. Someone had left a sheet of
  'signed by the author' stickers on a table, so
  I swiped it and spent a while sticking them on
  copies of The Bible, Dickens and Jane Austen"

  >> This Week's Question <<
  What's the dumbest thing you've ever done?
  We're keeping this question open for two weeks
  to allow you to get up to stupid stuff and
  send it in:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Simple tips for writing <<
  No massive internet rofls here, just a clear
  and interesting guide to writing style that we
  quite enjoyed poring over. Illustrates, for
  example, the power of understatement: "It is
  never very difficult to distinguish between a
  Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of
  sunshine.” [P. G. Wodehouse]

  >> Letters to rock stars <<
  Pretty much everyone has naughtily downloaded
  an illegal mp3 or sneaked into a gig from
  their favourite band. Here, people write
  confessional letters to their musical heroes,
  telling all and including $5 for expenses.

  >> Ren & Stimpy animator's blog <<
  The website of R&S artist John Kricfalusi,
  where he analyses cartoons and posts tips for
  upcoming animators. Interesting stuff, even if
  you lack the ambition to create scatological


  Like a web based PXL-2000

  >> Make a toothbrush robot <<
  Step by step details on how to transform your
  toothbrush from useless implement of dental
  hygiene to fearsome engine of destruction.
  Please note, your fearsomeness mileage may

  >> Terry chops <<
  We're not sure what this is. Well, obviously,
  it's a bloke walloping household objects in
  slow-motion with an extremely sharp axe. But
  the production values are extremely high,
  leading us to think it's marketing. But what
  on earth for? Highly entertaining nonetheless.

  >> Simpsons 'picture a day for 39 years' <<
  Animated, yellow take on Noah Kalina's
  mesmerising YouTube hit of last year
  'Everyday'. Funny Homer montage presented as a
  picture taken every day of his life.

  >> Gordon Ramsey's fucking nightmares <<
  Peculiar glimpse into the self-loathing mire
  that makes up the private life of TV's mouthy

  >> "Borderline pornographic" cat video <<
  A 30-second clip of someone's cat that was
  deemed unsuitable for a number of cat
  enthusiast forums. Entirely safe for work, in
  our opinion. Although it is somewhat
  unsettling seeing a podgy old moggy made to
  look like she's flirting with the lens.

  >> Ocean Finance ad - Trek-style <<
  Shoddy daytime TV ads create their own cult
  among their few viewers who are not elderly,
  infirm or stupid. Here, debt consolidation
  agency Ocean gets its cheapo campaign revoiced
  by original Star Trek characters. We must
  admit to a partiality for Kirk & co that made
  us like this, perhaps more than we should. 


  Buck & Follocks PLC

  "My mate set this company up ages ago", writes
  Lord_Munkee, "and has decided to sell it." He
  he, the real amusement for us in the story
  contained within the ebay page - companies
  shoue wouldn't accept the name Buck &
  Follocks, so they created two companies,
  'Buck' and 'Fullocks' and then incorporated!
  Genius. Lord_Munkee also asks us to point out
  you can buy the company as it would "make a
  great xmas pressie."


  Results from the Literal Band Names Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to envisage band names
  as if they were real-life things.

  Your favourites included:
  * LED ZEPPELIN - fiendishly clever
  interpretation of the inspiration for Jimmy
  Page's rock colossus (disconnected)

  * SMASHING PUMPKINS - not what you expect, and
  all the better for it. (Ttssattsr)
  * ARCADE FIRE - further double-edged
  picture-play from the b3tard whose images have
  now graced the b3ta homepage a remarkable 446
  times. (monkeon)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Extending Album Art <<
  Using any tools available - you, your record
  collection, a camera, photoshop, a scanner,
  whatever works - show us what happens beyond
  the borders of classic album sleeves, how the
  artwork continues. Challenge open for TWO
  magnificent weeks.


  Members bravely test sellby dates

  We asked you to test best before dates, in a
  shock result, many of you wrote in to say how
  much booze improves after leaving it for a few

  * LAGER - " I drank a can of Red Stripe lager
  that I found in the office fridge. It was FIVE
  YEARS out of date. It tasted a bit like
  whisky, and two cans later, my  colleague and
  I were rolling around drunk under our desks."
  (Mr Gear)

  * GUINNESS - "I drank some canned Guinness
  dated Feb '02. It smelt like guinness, but
  had, in time, turned into a chewy Special
  Brew. After 3/4 of a can, I nearly stopped
  drinking it." Note the careful use of the word
  'nearly ' from Fishbowler.

  * SCIENCE BIT - "... it doesn't go off as
  such, it's because after that date, the
  brewery cannot guarantee  that it will still
  be only 4.1%.  COnsequently, the alcohol level
  rises after the best before date. Hurrah for
  residual yeast." (just1bloke)

  * SPECIAL MEATY AWARD - "A few weeks ago I
  cooked some chilli with some nice beef mince.
  I then left it in the fridge for 9 days. After
  briefly pondering whether that was too long
  (it's about 6 days longer than the internet
  says you should), I ate  it topped with some
  bacon that had been open for about a fortnight
  (packet says 48 hour maximum). I got the shits
  and won't be doing that again." (Shitworth)


  Don't let go! returns!
  A b3ta favourite from some time ago, AKX has
  revamped his internet version of 'Touch the
  truck' for a new generation of powerful



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  LIVEJOURNAL - live like Roy Wood's fantasy hit
  for a whole year, Turkey and Dam busters every
  day,  and blog the accumulative misery. 

  * BUS LOLS - we sitting on a public transport
  the other day and were enjoying the live CCTV
  feed of the other passengers, and briefly
  fantasied about a website where you could pick
  the route you wanted to spy on and vote up
  your favourite captured incidents to the front
  page. Sell a bit of advertising on it - and
  you'd have cheap entertainment and subsidised

  * RELATIVE MINGER THEORY - Dr Ben Goldacre has
  written to us about a project idea that
  fascinates him but he's too lazy to carry out,
  "My girlfriend says that whenever a woman uses
  a profile picture of herself with a friend, on
  a social networking  site, that friend will
  always be uglier. After looking on facebook
  for 20 minutes I'm inclined to agree. Can
  anyone be bothered to apply for a grant, take
  some two-faced profile pics, split them in
  half, get a panel of superficial men to rate
  their fitness, crunch the results, and publish
  on this Relative Minger Theory?"

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.

  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bob Todd,
  Terry, gormo. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Subj from SexFace  and prodigy69.


  Annoy airport security! Scribble 'made you
  look :)' on some paper, wrap it in a condom
  and shove it up your arse. Act in a suspicious
  manner when going through customs, once you
  have agitated security enough, wait until they
  search you then point and laugh. (Willenium)



  I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You
  Die. I would have thought the obvious one was
  "Shout For Help".

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