NEWSLETTER: "THEY JAILED THE WRONG STEVE WRIGHT!"
This Week:
* ROYAL FUNNY NAME CORNER - The Queen's rude dog
* PICS - Meat pron from Germany
* RICKROLLED - Astley's youngest fan
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "You're Toksvig,
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| I'm slipping under."
B3ta email 316 - 22 Feb 2008
Scrunch this tissue in your fist:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue316/
Sex crimes: [email protected]
Hex crimes: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Slippers, slippers, slippers, slippers
Finally, man slippers that aren't crap!
Homeys, two sugars please...
http://www.homeys.biz
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Post, dog eggs and money
>> Unread post <<
Dougal Grimes scribbles, "In response to your
unread post challenge; When I left my old flat
in Glasgow I saw the pile of letters you had
talked about. And as I was leaving the flat, I
though I may as well open them all. Bills,
credit cards apps etc etc, apart from one.....
It seems Mr 'X' had joined a very special club:
'The Female Superiority Society- for the total
subjugation of males.' Highlights include the
constant referencing to the reader as 'pathetic
slave' and a questionnaire with tick boxes
marked 'cissifying' and ' genital pinching'.
Ouch.
http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/dougalgrimes
>> Disgusted of Tunbridge Lols <<
Regular readers will be long aware of CCCs
ongoing and comic battle with the letters pages
of his local newspaper, The Kent & Sussex
Courier, and his latest wind up starts, "Dear
Letters page, As a resident of Tunbridge Wells
for much of my life, I have created a website
that I think will be of interest to both me and
your readers. 'Tunbridge Wells Ways' is a
history of what has been my home for the last
40 years, along with local attractions and
there's even a list of local celebrities. I
would be grateful for more contributions from
the readers of The Kent & Sussex Courier, so
please visit
www.tunbridgewellsways.blogspot,com and add a
message to my guestbook. Kind Regards, Charles
Littlechild." However, if and when they publish
the letter on Friday, the contents of the site
will be changed to this:
http://tunbridgewellswaysother.blogspot.com/
>> I Want Your Money <<
Extremely likeable performance animation from
Scrambled Edd, accompanying Barrett Strong's
'(Money) That's What I Want' - a b3ta favourite.
http://b3ta.com/links/Money_Thats_what_i_want
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I Witnessed a Crime
Last week we asked if you'd seen a crime taking
place and done nothing/piled in like a hero:
http://b3ta.com/questions/witness/
Here's three shortish ones that made us laugh:
* KNIGHTS WHO SAY NO - "Some of my friends used
to do the rubber-sword live-action Role Playing
- dressing up as orcs and running about in the
woods, that sort of thing. One Sunday a group
were driving back in a van after playing
Knights Templar when they saw a bloke pushing a
girl about at a bus stop. I often wonder what
went through the minds of the bloke and girl
when a battered transit van pulled up next to
them and a gang of knights in shining armour
piled out. They restrained the bloke, hailed a
cab and paid to take the girl home, and then
gave the man the following homily: "Remember,
son, hitting women is wrong - and we're
watching", before leaping back into the van and
screeching away. I wish I'd been there."
(davywavy)
* OAP JUSTICE - "I was reading in my car
waiting for the wife to whizz round Tesco,
parked opposite the "parent and child" spaces.
With a squeal of rubber and a cloud of exhaust
smoke a very nice, very new BMW M3 screeched
into one of the parent places. Out gets a
fairly big bloke with the cliché shades,
baseball cap, designer gear. He starts to walk
away from his car, but is apprehended by what I
can only describe as a shorter version of Foggy
from Last of the Summer Wine: well into his
70s, military bearing and walking with a brass
topped cane. I had the window down and so could
just hear the old feller tell the steroid freak
off for parking in a child space and ask him to
move his car. Steroid freak shouts, screams,
swears and prods Foggy in the chest for a good
minute before walking into the store. I was
shocked, the old feller was shocked and he just
stood there for a while white faced. I was just
about to see if he was OK when I realised he
was waiting for steroid freak to walk out of
sight. The old fella then walked around the BMW
and with his brass topped cane put a deep dent
in every body panel, a couple on the roof, took
out the rear light clusters. He walked off
giving me a huge wink and a grin as he passed.
When steroid freak returned, he cried. He cried
a lot." (RadG)
* PHASERS ON STUPID - "My friend was a hardcore
Trekker. At a convention things had been going
missing and the con had asked volunteers to
patrol the halls. Naturally this was done in
full uniform, replica phaser on hip. On the
last night, my friend and his partner came
round the corner to behold a proto-chav
fiddling with the lock on a hotel room. He saw
them, panicked and legged it. And that was when
the other Trekker whipped out his phaser and
shouted, "Stop or I fire." Yes, he stopped.
Yes, he put his hands up. Yes, the guys down at
the nick probably spent the rest of the night
laughing at him." (Big D)
>> This Week's Question <<
Has karma ever bitten you? Have you seen it
take others down? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/karma/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Camp records <<
Pretty much what it says on the tin. A 1960s
record label that specialised in gay music -
interesting historical oddity.
http://www.queermusicheritage.us/camp.html
>> Rude butcher <<
From what we can gather, this is the gift idea
section of a butcher's website. Quite what
possessed them to make meat-porn is anyone's
guess. Not really safe for work, as you can
imagine.
http://snipurl.com/specialmeat
>> Massive music collection for sale <<
Interesting eBay auction purporting to be the
world's largest collection of recorded music.
The Q&A section is quite amusing.
http://qurl.com/r3mcn
>> Some people are gay <<
Graffiti that made us smile. The original
Stonewall poster made itself a rich target for
mockery.
http://snipurl.com/lolgays
>> Chinese-English teaching tool <<
Peculiarly mangled translations abound in this
Chinese classroom aid. It starts off with
fairly understandable mistakes but descends
slowly into madness.
http://peer-see.com/blog/chumble-spuzz/2006/07/09/
>> Bat soup <<
Truly repellant food - the second picture down
is as repulsive an image as we've seen for a
long time. At least it doesn't have some
misleading appetising-sounding name.
http://snipurl.com/bat-chelors-cupasoup
>> Medical adoptions <<
The unbelievable premise is that this site
allows you to adopt a child with compatible
organs to your own - ensuring a ready donor in
your old age. Of course, it can't really be
real, can it?
http://www.medicaladoptions.com/index.html
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Two-way floppy soppy action
* RICKROLLING A BABY - who would have thought
the king of cheese would have baby pacifying
powers? We reckon this will get back to Rick and
he'll feel smug but a little puzzled.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* DO RABBITS DREAM OF ELECTRIC CARROTS - or sex?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Pages from cyber-ceefax...
>> Flying People <<
Base-jumping with some sort of funky glider
suits. We didn't enjoy this because, frankly,
we don't understand how you can jump off a
cliff and dive-bomb valleys and still be alive.
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/
>> Cheers jihad <<
Reworking of the classic TV intro to a
terrorist theme. Excellently done - we also
urge you to check out the version of Doogie
Howser by the same people.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Trek Brokeback Mountain <<
This Spock/Kirk love combo is bloody great,
with some very well-chosen shots and dialogue.
And, of course, the premise is
all-too-plausible anyway.
http://snipurl.com/setphaserstobum
>> Golf electro song <<
In the interests of professionalism we tried to
think of any golf-related innuendo that they
missed out of this wonderful deadpan 80's
number. But we couldn't - it's just that good!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Golf_electro_song_thing
>> Baby Hey Jude <<
Don't normally like Beatles covers, but an
exception has to be made for this tiny Korean
child who has learned the Fab Four's hits
phonetically. He's very cute, although his
pronunciation is a bit special.
http://snipurl.com/johnrennon
>> Windows music <<
Very much doing the rounds this week; a tune
composed of the system sounds from Windows 98
and XP. They've kind of cheated by altering the
pitch of the sounds but there you go. We were
actually inspired by this to try making one
with Mac system sounds to stick in the
newsletter. Sadly, they were rather too pretty
and the end result just sounded like we'd used
proper synths. Meh.
http://b3ta.com/links/Someone_composes_a_wee_song
>> iPhone band <<
Exceedingly nerdy - and hence great - this trio
of musicians performs entirely on hand-held
electronic appliances. We just had a nosey
around at all the software they use and it all
looks rather exciting. Nice little tune they're
playing here too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> I Just Don't Look Good Naked Anymore <<
Scantily-clad old man sings about losing his
looks. He's surprisingly likeable and he has
tapped into a widely-held anxiety - although he
clearly feels no real embarrassment himself as
he gads about with only an accordion to
preserve his modesty.
http://snipurl.com/goksnextpunter
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
A Right Royal FNC for you this week!
* HRH MIMSY AND STIFFY, THE QUEENS DOGS -
thanks to Scott Ellis who's dug out the
fantastic news that in 1936 Her Majesty owned
pets with entendre-heavy names. We blame some
hissy old queen in the royal household, and we
don't mean the Queen Mum, God rest her soul.
http://snipurl.com/bigdogscock
* PHANI TIKKALA - and with that moustache he'd
have to be.
http://snipurl.com/punjabi-punani
* TITTY YE NOT - props to the NGO
'International Initiative to End Child Labour'
- they've got a fantastic logo, apparently a
small child clawing his way out of a triple F
cup bra.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Scientology Challenge
Last week we wanted to see the bright side of
Scientology.
Your favourites included:
* FAQ - Scientology explained using the medium
of banking (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8061358
* THE S-TEAM - if you have enough cash... maybe
they can help (dbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8063522
* BADGES - L. Ron Hubbard has a very small cock
(The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8059488
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scientology/
>> New challenge: TACHES! <<
Of all the varieties of facial hair, the
moustache is the most glorious, and this
week's challenge is to celebrate this.
The theme, quite simply, is moustache...
and the only limit your imagination.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moustache/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* COGGY LOLS - The Association of British
Drivers has picked up on the stupid
Metroshuttle logo we linked to a couple of
weeks ago. Interestingly, the BBC website has
used a photo taken by b3ta's own thiswasmyclone
without credit - for shame! Cheers to mr_wicksy
for the heads up.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/7241...
* CATS LOVE EMERY BOARD or at least so we are
informed. Biologist Bob the Scutter theorises:
"Seccotine (fish glue) is a cheap, traditional,
protein-based adhesive that remains flexible
when it is dry, so I would be surprised if it
wasn't used for some brands of emery boards. It
may be the smell of the (edible) fish glue that
the cats like so much."
* RELIGIOUS LEAFLETS - fan-dan-go was inspired
by a peculiar pamphlet we ran the other week to
share this with us. "A church group hires a
screen in the cinema I work in every Sunday,"
he explains, "This is the kind of stuff they
give to their children. Scary!" Indeed, but
what is the worth of a childhood empty of
feelings of doom?
http://snipurl.com/youregoingtodiekids
* TREASON NOT A CAPITAL OFFENCE - a fleet of
pedants swooped on us for last week's assertion
that treason is still a hang-able offence. "The
death penalty for treason and piracy with
violence was abolished by the Crime and
Disorder Act 1998," explains mike-b3ta. "They
were the last civilian offences carrying the
death penalty. The death penalty for remaining
military offences was removed on 9th November
1998." So hey, let's all get treasoning!
* UNDELIVERED POST is not the property of HM
the Queen, nor is tampering with it treason,
says Another Postie. In an interesting missive
slightly too long to reproduce here, he also
details quite what a pain in the arse it is for
posties to get dead mail returned. Also, don't
just sellotape up a bundle of letters and write
'Gone Away' on the top one - you'll only get
the ones underneath coming back through your
door again.
* PAUL GOGARTY'S BLOG has been pulled, it
seems. The 19-year-old gap year student closed
his blog under a deluge of internet hatred. We
still have the uneasy feeling that he never
really existed and it was all a devilishly
clever scam by the Guardian to viral market us
all.
http://snipurl.com/guardianlols
* REVENGE EMAILS - chippyman_202 requests, "Hi,
I am a big fan of B3ta, but I have been
recently upset by a friend sleeping with my
girl. To get back at him could you please post
his MSN address in the next newsletter? It
would mean a lot to me and other fans of the
site." Er, no.
* BEAN COUNTIN' MAN - He of the mix-tape story
last week - wanted to say thanks to all the
readers who posted or sent him supportive
messages. "I will try to reply to them all," he
says, "But not 'til next week, as I'm sure
you'll be able to appreciate. You are very nice
people."
* HEXACHORDIAL'S ALBUM is finished. "MY ALBUM!"
he booms excitedly, "IS HERE! WATCH THIS!"
We've run a few of his lovely tunes in the
newsletter recently and this little video ad is
worth checking out.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/MY_ALBUM_IS_HERE_WATCH_T...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MONEY TEA - MrCmwebb asks, "Banknotes have a
really distinctive smell. Is it possible to
make a tea using them instead of tea / tea-bags
?"
* PULLING THE PUDOMETER - Sir Loafalot
splutters, "Has anyone ever attached a
pedometer to their wrist whilst wanking to
count the strokes?" Or could make a great
Nintendo Wii game.
* DREADLOCK LOLIDAY - Andy Dexter muses, "Six
years ago I cut off my dreadlocks. I put them
in a plastic bag and put them in a cupboard
under my stairs. I still have them. I want to
give them to someone who will do something
interesting with them and publish the footage
somehow. Can you help?"
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by ohmsweetohm69,
duff_the_funky_chicken, redazril, Gin Tonic,
mme bing, mike, bladeuntilidie, SiX, blenkwy,
hahn, vortex2k7 ^_^, blenkwy, the_log_knows,
Vince, RedMom58, Dazz and Yank Meoff.
Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjectlols from Manic. Congrats to
b4ta. (brackets)
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TOP TIP:
Trying to polish a turd? Bake it dry in a
domestic oven, then apply several coats of
varnish. Simple. (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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SICKIPEDIA:
Apparently 60% of children are overweight and
72% have underage sex, so who's shagging all
the fat kids?
http://www.sickipedia.org/
