NEWSLETTER: "KNIFEUS EXPELIARMUS"
This Week:
* USEFUL - Convert cm to elephants
* EVIL - Mobile phone in microwave
* FARTING - Like only Shatner can
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Now banned on the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| London Underground"
B3ta email 330 - 30 May 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue330/
Submarine: [email protected]
Unsubmarine: [email protected]
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: MEDICAL DOCUMENTARY WANTS YOU!
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If you or your pet have survived the unbelievable
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
3 songs 1 cup
>> Sensible units convertor <<
"Today I am happy," beams Arf, "because, after
lurking since 2005, I have something to
contribute to b3ta: I made a website called
SensibleUnits.com. It converts boring units
like metres or inches into sensible units like
buses, elephants, Eiffel Towers and small
intestines." An invaluable resource!
http://www.sensibleunits.com/
>> Singin' in the Rain <<
"Richard Cheese's wonderful lounge cover of
Only Happy When it Rains by Garbage, together
over the immense foot tapping stylings of Gene
Kelly," explains Joe Scaramanga. "For no other
reason other than the fact it made my Friday
afternoon go a bit quicker." Effortlessly cool.
http://b3ta.com/links/Gene_Kelly_vs_Garbage_vs_Ric...
>> Slap-face song <<
A win on two fronts from this music video by
joseohernst. If you like the song 'Bottle of
Wine' - win. If you don't like it, you get to
see the singer slapped in the face over 120
times - also win!
http://www.bottleofwine.org
>> If Pickles Were Money <<
"I made a video called 'If Pickles Were
Money'," boasts Guy Bauer. "We actually invaded
a parade in Red Bank, NJ to film it AND got on
the front page of the local Sunday paper!" We
watched and had to put it in. We were a bit
scared not to.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
I Quit!
Last week we wanted to know what you've flounced
out of. And whether all that effort worked:
http://b3ta.com/questions/quitters/
* PRETEND SUICIDE - "I was young, hacked off,
working in a call centre taking gas meter
readings over the phone, and I'd decided to
quit my job in style. We had a team meeting
that morning in the car park, as our line
manager was a chain smoker. Now the building
itself was on a hill, looking out over the city,
with a low wall at the edge of the car park,
over which appeared to be a sheer drop of about
100ft. Crucially it was slightly terraced, so
there was only a 4-5ft immediate drop the other
side. The pep-talk started as usual with our
boss attempting to motivate us and taking it
in turns to discuss any issues from the day
before. At my turn, I screamed, "Sorry, but I
can't take it any more, I really can't, I quit",
ran across the car park like a demented,
suicidal monkey, and hurled myself across
the wall. There was a short stunned silence,
followed by screaming, and then more screaming,
and then plenty of crying. When I re-emerged,
rather than being treated as a jolly prankster
they overlooked my "resignation", sacked me
immediately and escorted me from the premises.
So yeah. Don't pretend to kill yourself at work
kids. Not good." (mrgibbles)
* BAD MONKEY - "An old girlfriend got fired from
one of her first ever jobs for being late on
a consistent basis. Of course being 18 at the
time, she swore at the manager, told him what
she thought of him and stormed off only to
realise she had left her gym kit and some stuff
in her locker. That lunch time she returned to
find the locker empty. Asking around, she
discovered that the manager had cleared her
locker and taken her belongings into his office.
Thinking he was out (and not caring if he was
in) she burst into his office muttering, "where
is my stuff?" only to find him behind his desk
with her shorts wrapped around his cock going
at himself like a maniac. Hearing her screaming
with laughter, half the office ran in to find
their manager standing up trying to stuff his
boner back into his trousers whilst tangled in
a pair of girl shorts. A footnote - he was
transferred to another location and she was
offered her job back. She declined and took a
month's salary and a new gym kit." (DrTugnut2)
* HE QUIT! - "My friend went on a first date on
Saturday night with a guy she really, really
likes. She was very nervous, but it all went
swimmingly well. So well, in fact, that when
they were walking romantically along Waterloo
Bridge at the end of the night, he tipped her
chin up, put his mouth on hers, cupped her face
stroked her hair, and kissed her. She said it
was a magical, amazing kiss: the lights of
London spread out before them, stars twinkling,
his mouth warm and firm on hers, knees buckling...
Then, as they finished kissing, he pulled
slightly away and looked deep into her eyes.
And what was her response? Drawing in a ragged
breath, heart pounding, she announced...
"eeeees niiiiiiice!" in her best Borat voice.
Why? Why?? She has absolutely no idea. All she
knows is that he folded her into the next taxi
and hasn't texted or called her yet." (rachelswipe)
>> This Week's Question <<
How bad is public transport? Let us know here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/publictransport/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Bankrupt office photography <<
Annoying interface but worth sticking with this
gallery of pics of abandoned office space.
Little signs of life suddenly abandoned are
quite affecting.
http://mrtoledano.com/frame_bankrupt.php
>> 'Choose your own adventure' Pong <<
The 70s arcade classic rendered so that you
choose the direction of the flipper by moving
from page to page of still images. Will appeal
to nerds of a certain age.
http://paperconsole.com/#
>> Armour for cats <<
Canadian artist Jeff de Boer fabricates period
armour for both cats and mice. It's lovely
stuff and comes in plate, mail and samurai
flavours. There'll be an inter-species jousting
tourney in b3ta's Italian sunken garden this
afternoon.
http://jeffdeboer.com/Galleries/CatsandMice/tabid/...
>> Origami meat <<
Simple but has a certain wtf factor; cut-out
templates enabling you to make a juicy steak
entirely from paper. Veggies - why not try it?
http://www.wombat.zaq.ne.jp/fare/steak.html
>> Fail blog <<
Mighty machine dedicated to showcasing the
power of FAIL. This has been knocking around
for a while but this week our resolve crumbled
so we stuck it in.
http://failblog.org/
>> Banner ad/gallery Firefox plug-in <<
Really cute concept - this Firefox extension
bins web page ads and replaces them with art
from ongoing curated exhibitions. We have mixed
feelings about it, as looking at the odd advert
is the price you pay for a nicer internet. The
web would be shitter without that little bit of
extra funding.
http://add-art.org/
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: GENTLEMEN'S RELISH
Sexy links to spluff to (NSFW)
>> Girls in gags <<
Extremely well-populated gallery of female film
and TV stars with gags crudely photoshopped
onto their faces. What really raises an eyebrow
is the sheer, demented industry that's gone
into assembling such a volume of stuff.
http://www.dansdidnts.com/brit.html
>> Bus stop knobs <<
The crudely-drawn cocks on bus shelters are the
new modern art, say these guys. And we agree.
By the looks of things they have a book deal so
you'll surely see these lavishly colourful
willies gracing a coffee table near you. (And
oddly links to B3ta at the bottom of the page,
which is nice.)
http://www.busstopknobs.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
As filmed on our Polaroid Digital 320
>> Mobile phone vs. microwave <<
Blokey sticks his old phone in the cooker and
unleashes pure, molten evil! Always ask an
adult before trying this at home - and notice
that he's sure to take the battery out first.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mobile_phone_in_microwav...
>> Trippy Alice mash-up <<
Pretty bit of audio-visual sampling from
Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Vaguely
reminiscent of The Avalanches or Lemon Jelly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/190236
>> Cats in things they shouldn't be <<
Cats in bowls, in watering cans, on plates, in
boxes; cats are awesome and this video shows
it. Lovely footage here and a charming melody,
marred only by a bit of clumsy photoshoppery a
couple of minutes in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Star Trek flatulence <<
We knew we'd have to put this in, even before
seeing it. But this does not disappoint, as the
Enterprise crew entertains with a variety of
musical toots.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Trek_Flatulence_Win
>> Narcoleptic cat <<
Just what it says. Watch the unfortunate
feline's head droop lower, then lower, lower.
Bonk.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thejacksons/234637138...
>> Chris Martin v Ricky Gervais <<
The Coldplay front-man takes a grilling from
interviewer Gervais, trying to answer
increasingly outlandish claims about his
private life. This went out a while ago but
well worth checking out.
http://b3ta.com/links/Chris_Martin_interviewed_by_...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Quims, Arseholes, Nonces and Spunk
* MAKE YOUR VAGINA FINER - "I frequently walk
past this shop in Paris, but have yet to pop in
for a quim trim." (Crazed Housewife)
http://snipurl.com/minge-binge [www_flickr_com]
* GOASTE MARKETING - "I found that someone at
Misco is a fan of everybody's favourite internet
based colonic manipulator." (Ulic)
http://snipurl.com/misco-bum-disco [www_misco_co_uk]
* ECOMMERCE FOR TOT-TICKLERS - Only works if
you pronounce the p, then the 'do' as dough,
but still, brought a nasty, thin-lipped smile to
Uncle B3ta. (veggiegoatdan)
http://www.pdostore.com/
* ANYONE FOR LUNCH? - "They finally fixed
the sign of this Birmingham arcade, after a
good 6 months of it looking as pictured."
(Nibbler)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/newfolder/2175172448/
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: RANDOM EMAILS
From possibly stoned B3tards
Going through the postbag this week we found
Goa604 who asked, "Been wondering, and asking
people who I feel should know the answers but
who unfortunately don't; would it be possible
to run Tetris (or failing that Pong) on a dog's
brain?" Seeing as we were quite pleased with
our reply, here it is for your potential
amusement: "Unfortunately, the visual display
unit of a dog doesn't have sufficient
resolution to make a playable version of
Tetris. Although it does have a joystick and
two fire buttons."
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
REVERSE SPACE INVADERS - We asked for a game
like this a while back. Lightguy responds,
"There's actually a game in development for the
Wii called Space Invaders Get Even, wherein you
can control up to 300 of the aliens as you
decimate cities and stuff like that." Looks
mental:
http://snipurl.com/taito-mash [kotaku_com]
SEXEY SCHOOL - "Nice work on featuring my old
school in the funny name corner," chortles Pat.
"What you don’t know is that Gary Glitter lived
just a mile away from our school for Sexey
kids. I must say I did go into his house when
I was about 12 and came out unscathed. But when
the truth came out, a regular post-pub game was
to stand outside his house singing 'I’m the
PAEDA, I’m the PAEDA, I’m the PAEDA of the gang
I am I am' until a light would go on. Needless
to say the community didn’t offer much support
to a bankrupt kiddie fiddler, and the dirty old
cunt moved out soon after."
COIN STACKING I - "Me and a few mates play this
occasionally," barks Mike Fishcake. "It really
is very much fun indeed because it's like an
impromptu game of KerPlunk. Stack a few coins
up, then take it in turns to put coins on the
top until they fall down. "We gave it the
inexplicably offensive (but immaturely amusing)
name 'Gay Conkers'."
BEST SHOP SIGN - In a previous Funny Name
Corner we featured a sale sign relating to the
owner's impending divorce. hcr observes,
"There's a chain of leather clothes shops in
Edinburgh that ran the same idea to its logical
conclusion - having had similar signs for about
12 months, they changed them to 'Mrs X has won
the divorce settlement. Please buy everything
at these prices so that Mr X can afford the
settlement payments'."
COIN STACKING II - "Living in Ireland, I don't
have 2ps, so I had to make do with 5cent
pieces," shrugs fyggy before unveiling a vast,
spare change monolith that puts our own puny
columns to shame. It's also strong enough to
pile shoes onto.
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y163/Sherang/phas...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Two games? Ambassador, you're spoiling us!
>> Spelling race <<
Intended for kids but wasted on them. Spell
words correctly and race live online against
other webmongs. We're not 100% convinced it has
the right spelling for everything but maybe
that's a reflection on us rather than the game.
http://tutpup.com/plays/new/2-word-game
>> The Debut Album Game <<
A random wikipedia article for your band name,
a random quote for your title and a random
flickr pic for the album cover. Surprisingly
compelling way to pass the time, particularly
if you fancy yourself as something of a graphic
designer.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Your_Debut_Album
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* RACIST NEWS QUIZ - Take quotes from Mein
Kampf and The Daily Mail, and stick 'em into a
lovely either/or quiz format. The internet will
thank you.
* LEGO CELEBRITIES - um, make lots of celebs
from lego. We had a go with Sulu from Trek, but
it came out a bit wrong.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/2472711635/
* REAL WORLD SMILIES - Paint your face like a
lemony clown and smile and grimace for the
world's amusement. The French might like it too.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
Daaaavid Stevenson. Spluff sent in by Avast,
BadBadman, luvtub, rossanne hamilton, doctor_b,
menthe, harestylenumber1, mike, iowaseven,
kingscott1010 and _alex. Top Tippery already
credited so we really shouldn't be mentioning
it here. Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Comment of the week: "At least she's not one of
those London twatbags who wear hoods, call each
other 'blood', and sit at the back of the bus
playing hip hop or garage through a shitty
little phone speaker...and pointing out the
windows going 'shit man, check da feds', when
it's a fucking traffic warden." (RussInLondon)
SUBJLOLS: The Great Architect. MASTHEADLOLS:
Manic.
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TOP TIP:
Party Poppers
Spaceswitch suggests -
1. Carefully remove cardboard end
2. Remove all the stringy nice bits
3. Replace with tomato ketchup or you own
choice of kitchen/bathroom delights.
4. Replace cardboard end
5. Complete this on an entire box, and let
loose on unsuspecting partygoers
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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SICKIPEDIA:
Got caught wanking by mum last night, really
didn't expect her to wake up. All these years
she thought she had conjunctivitis.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
