This Week: * USEFUL - Convert cm to elephants * EVIL - Mobile phone in microwave * FARTING - Like only Shatner can ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Now banned on the __/____/____/\__/_/ |_| London Underground" B3ta email 330 - 30 May 2008 Read this issue in your browser: http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue330/ Submarine: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Unsubmarine: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- : MEDICAL DOCUMENTARY WANTS YOU! Sponsored linky that's not a linky Shot yourself in the head with a nail gun? Escaped near death? Maybe your pet suffered a gruesome medical ordeal? A new documentary series exploring extremely bizarre hospital and vet practice cases wants to hear from you. If you or your pet have survived the unbelievable (not necessarily together) then send your mentalist stories to s.williams@mavericktv.co.uk >> Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK 3 songs 1 cup >> Sensible units convertor << "Today I am happy," beams Arf, "because, after lurking since 2005, I have something to contribute to b3ta: I made a website called SensibleUnits.com. It converts boring units like metres or inches into sensible units like buses, elephants, Eiffel Towers and small intestines." An invaluable resource! http://www.sensibleunits.com/ >> Singin' in the Rain << "Richard Cheese's wonderful lounge cover of Only Happy When it Rains by Garbage, together over the immense foot tapping stylings of Gene Kelly," explains Joe Scaramanga. "For no other reason other than the fact it made my Friday afternoon go a bit quicker." Effortlessly cool. http://b3ta.com/links/Gene_Kelly_vs_Garbage_vs_Ric... >> Slap-face song << A win on two fronts from this music video by joseohernst. If you like the song 'Bottle of Wine' - win. If you don't like it, you get to see the singer slapped in the face over 120 times - also win! http://www.bottleofwine.org >> If Pickles Were Money << "I made a video called 'If Pickles Were Money'," boasts Guy Bauer. "We actually invaded a parade in Red Bank, NJ to film it AND got on the front page of the local Sunday paper!" We watched and had to put it in. We were a bit scared not to. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK I Quit! Last week we wanted to know what you've flounced out of. And whether all that effort worked: http://b3ta.com/questions/quitters/ * PRETEND SUICIDE - "I was young, hacked off, working in a call centre taking gas meter readings over the phone, and I'd decided to quit my job in style. We had a team meeting that morning in the car park, as our line manager was a chain smoker. Now the building itself was on a hill, looking out over the city, with a low wall at the edge of the car park, over which appeared to be a sheer drop of about 100ft. Crucially it was slightly terraced, so there was only a 4-5ft immediate drop the other side. The pep-talk started as usual with our boss attempting to motivate us and taking it in turns to discuss any issues from the day before. At my turn, I screamed, "Sorry, but I can't take it any more, I really can't, I quit", ran across the car park like a demented, suicidal monkey, and hurled myself across the wall. There was a short stunned silence, followed by screaming, and then more screaming, and then plenty of crying. When I re-emerged, rather than being treated as a jolly prankster they overlooked my "resignation", sacked me immediately and escorted me from the premises. So yeah. Don't pretend to kill yourself at work kids. Not good." (mrgibbles) * BAD MONKEY - "An old girlfriend got fired from one of her first ever jobs for being late on a consistent basis. Of course being 18 at the time, she swore at the manager, told him what she thought of him and stormed off only to realise she had left her gym kit and some stuff in her locker. That lunch time she returned to find the locker empty. Asking around, she discovered that the manager had cleared her locker and taken her belongings into his office. Thinking he was out (and not caring if he was in) she burst into his office muttering, "where is my stuff?" only to find him behind his desk with her shorts wrapped around his cock going at himself like a maniac. Hearing her screaming with laughter, half the office ran in to find their manager standing up trying to stuff his boner back into his trousers whilst tangled in a pair of girl shorts. A footnote - he was transferred to another location and she was offered her job back. She declined and took a month's salary and a new gym kit." (DrTugnut2) * HE QUIT! - "My friend went on a first date on Saturday night with a guy she really, really likes. She was very nervous, but it all went swimmingly well. So well, in fact, that when they were walking romantically along Waterloo Bridge at the end of the night, he tipped her chin up, put his mouth on hers, cupped her face stroked her hair, and kissed her. She said it was a magical, amazing kiss: the lights of London spread out before them, stars twinkling, his mouth warm and firm on hers, knees buckling... Then, as they finished kissing, he pulled slightly away and looked deep into her eyes. And what was her response? Drawing in a ragged breath, heart pounding, she announced... "eeeees niiiiiiice!" in her best Borat voice. Why? Why?? She has absolutely no idea. All she knows is that he folded her into the next taxi and hasn't texted or called her yet." (rachelswipe) >> This Week's Question << How bad is public transport? Let us know here: http://b3ta.com/questions/publictransport/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Bankrupt office photography << Annoying interface but worth sticking with this gallery of pics of abandoned office space. Little signs of life suddenly abandoned are quite affecting. http://mrtoledano.com/frame_bankrupt.php >> 'Choose your own adventure' Pong << The 70s arcade classic rendered so that you choose the direction of the flipper by moving from page to page of still images. Will appeal to nerds of a certain age. http://paperconsole.com/# >> Armour for cats << Canadian artist Jeff de Boer fabricates period armour for both cats and mice. It's lovely stuff and comes in plate, mail and samurai flavours. There'll be an inter-species jousting tourney in b3ta's Italian sunken garden this afternoon. http://jeffdeboer.com/Galleries/CatsandMice/tabid/... >> Origami meat << Simple but has a certain wtf factor; cut-out templates enabling you to make a juicy steak entirely from paper. Veggies - why not try it? http://www.wombat.zaq.ne.jp/fare/steak.html >> Fail blog << Mighty machine dedicated to showcasing the power of FAIL. This has been knocking around for a while but this week our resolve crumbled so we stuck it in. http://failblog.org/ >> Banner ad/gallery Firefox plug-in << Really cute concept - this Firefox extension bins web page ads and replaces them with art from ongoing curated exhibitions. We have mixed feelings about it, as looking at the odd advert is the price you pay for a nicer internet. The web would be shitter without that little bit of extra funding. http://add-art.org/ ------------------------------------------------- : GENTLEMEN'S RELISH Sexy links to spluff to (NSFW) >> Girls in gags << Extremely well-populated gallery of female film and TV stars with gags crudely photoshopped onto their faces. What really raises an eyebrow is the sheer, demented industry that's gone into assembling such a volume of stuff. http://www.dansdidnts.com/brit.html >> Bus stop knobs << The crudely-drawn cocks on bus shelters are the new modern art, say these guys. And we agree. By the looks of things they have a book deal so you'll surely see these lavishly colourful willies gracing a coffee table near you. (And oddly links to B3ta at the bottom of the page, which is nice.) http://www.busstopknobs.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO As filmed on our Polaroid Digital 320 >> Mobile phone vs. microwave << Blokey sticks his old phone in the cooker and unleashes pure, molten evil! Always ask an adult before trying this at home - and notice that he's sure to take the battery out first. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mobile_phone_in_microwav... >> Trippy Alice mash-up << Pretty bit of audio-visual sampling from Disney's Alice in Wonderland. Vaguely reminiscent of The Avalanches or Lemon Jelly. http://www.b3ta.com/links/190236 >> Cats in things they shouldn't be << Cats in bowls, in watering cans, on plates, in boxes; cats are awesome and this video shows it. Lovely footage here and a charming melody, marred only by a bit of clumsy photoshoppery a couple of minutes in. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Star Trek flatulence << We knew we'd have to put this in, even before seeing it. But this does not disappoint, as the Enterprise crew entertains with a variety of musical toots. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Trek_Flatulence_Win >> Narcoleptic cat << Just what it says. Watch the unfortunate feline's head droop lower, then lower, lower. Bonk. http://www.flickr.com/photos/thejacksons/234637138... >> Chris Martin v Ricky Gervais << The Coldplay front-man takes a grilling from interviewer Gervais, trying to answer increasingly outlandish claims about his private life. This went out a while ago but well worth checking out. http://b3ta.com/links/Chris_Martin_interviewed_by_... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Quims, Arseholes, Nonces and Spunk * MAKE YOUR VAGINA FINER - "I frequently walk past this shop in Paris, but have yet to pop in for a quim trim." (Crazed Housewife) http://snipurl.com/minge-binge [www_flickr_com] * GOASTE MARKETING - "I found that someone at Misco is a fan of everybody's favourite internet based colonic manipulator." (Ulic) http://snipurl.com/misco-bum-disco [www_misco_co_uk] * ECOMMERCE FOR TOT-TICKLERS - Only works if you pronounce the p, then the 'do' as dough, but still, brought a nasty, thin-lipped smile to Uncle B3ta. (veggiegoatdan) http://www.pdostore.com/ * ANYONE FOR LUNCH? - "They finally fixed the sign of this Birmingham arcade, after a good 6 months of it looking as pictured." (Nibbler) http://www.flickr.com/photos/newfolder/2175172448/ ------------------------------------------------- : RANDOM EMAILS From possibly stoned B3tards Going through the postbag this week we found Goa604 who asked, "Been wondering, and asking people who I feel should know the answers but who unfortunately don't; would it be possible to run Tetris (or failing that Pong) on a dog's brain?" Seeing as we were quite pleased with our reply, here it is for your potential amusement: "Unfortunately, the visual display unit of a dog doesn't have sufficient resolution to make a playable version of Tetris. Although it does have a joystick and two fire buttons." ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. REVERSE SPACE INVADERS - We asked for a game like this a while back. Lightguy responds, "There's actually a game in development for the Wii called Space Invaders Get Even, wherein you can control up to 300 of the aliens as you decimate cities and stuff like that." Looks mental: http://snipurl.com/taito-mash [kotaku_com] SEXEY SCHOOL - "Nice work on featuring my old school in the funny name corner," chortles Pat. "What you don’t know is that Gary Glitter lived just a mile away from our school for Sexey kids. I must say I did go into his house when I was about 12 and came out unscathed. But when the truth came out, a regular post-pub game was to stand outside his house singing 'I’m the PAEDA, I’m the PAEDA, I’m the PAEDA of the gang I am I am' until a light would go on. Needless to say the community didn’t offer much support to a bankrupt kiddie fiddler, and the dirty old cunt moved out soon after." COIN STACKING I - "Me and a few mates play this occasionally," barks Mike Fishcake. "It really is very much fun indeed because it's like an impromptu game of KerPlunk. Stack a few coins up, then take it in turns to put coins on the top until they fall down. "We gave it the inexplicably offensive (but immaturely amusing) name 'Gay Conkers'." BEST SHOP SIGN - In a previous Funny Name Corner we featured a sale sign relating to the owner's impending divorce. hcr observes, "There's a chain of leather clothes shops in Edinburgh that ran the same idea to its logical conclusion - having had similar signs for about 12 months, they changed them to 'Mrs X has won the divorce settlement. Please buy everything at these prices so that Mr X can afford the settlement payments'." COIN STACKING II - "Living in Ireland, I don't have 2ps, so I had to make do with 5cent pieces," shrugs fyggy before unveiling a vast, spare change monolith that puts our own puny columns to shame. It's also strong enough to pile shoes onto. http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y163/Sherang/phas... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Two games? Ambassador, you're spoiling us! >> Spelling race << Intended for kids but wasted on them. Spell words correctly and race live online against other webmongs. We're not 100% convinced it has the right spelling for everything but maybe that's a reflection on us rather than the game. http://tutpup.com/plays/new/2-word-game >> The Debut Album Game << A random wikipedia article for your band name, a random quote for your title and a random flickr pic for the album cover. Surprisingly compelling way to pass the time, particularly if you fancy yourself as something of a graphic designer. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Your_Debut_Album ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * RACIST NEWS QUIZ - Take quotes from Mein Kampf and The Daily Mail, and stick 'em into a lovely either/or quiz format. The internet will thank you. * LEGO CELEBRITIES - um, make lots of celebs from lego. We had a go with Sulu from Trek, but it came out a bit wrong. http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/2472711635/ * REAL WORLD SMILIES - Paint your face like a lemony clown and smile and grimace for the world's amusement. The French might like it too. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Unsubscribe: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with Daaaavid Stevenson. Spluff sent in by Avast, BadBadman, luvtub, rossanne hamilton, doctor_b, menthe, harestylenumber1, mike, iowaseven, kingscott1010 and _alex. Top Tippery already credited so we really shouldn't be mentioning it here. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Comment of the week: "At least she's not one of those London twatbags who wear hoods, call each other 'blood', and sit at the back of the bus playing hip hop or garage through a shitty little phone speaker...and pointing out the windows going 'shit man, check da feds', when it's a fucking traffic warden." (RussInLondon) SUBJLOLS: The Great Architect. MASTHEADLOLS: Manic. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Party Poppers Spaceswitch suggests - 1. Carefully remove cardboard end 2. Remove all the stringy nice bits 3. Replace with tomato ketchup or you own choice of kitchen/bathroom delights. 4. Replace cardboard end 5. Complete this on an entire box, and let loose on unsuspecting partygoers http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Got caught wanking by mum last night, really didn't expect her to wake up. All these years she thought she had conjunctivitis. http://www.sickipedia.org/
