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This Week:
* COOKING - Sweets in the Breville
* LEGO - Amy Winehouse is bricking it
* EVIL PENCILS - Everyone loves evil pencils

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're touching the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       cloth... together"

B3ta email 331 - 6 Jun 2008

Read this issue in your browser:

         Obama:  [email protected]
      Hillary:  [email protected]

  Design a Banner Ad - get a new job

  Is your job shit? Want to top yourself with a
  hole punch daily? The Fridge is looking for
  clever people. Specifically, developers with
  viral/online/web ideas who can make them look
  pretty in Flash, PHP, HTML and Quark.

  Is that you? £35k sound good? Like gambling?
  Then send your CV and your online casino banner
  ad design to [email protected] and also visit:

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Tattoo your ad message on our internet face.


  Haribo, Lego and Jedi nerds

  >> Internet fatty toasted sandwich <<
  Your Ginger Fuhrer has been playing with a
  Breville and a load of sweets, in an attempt to
  imagine what a true internet fatty would
  concoct when feeling peckish. This is full of

  >> Amy Winehouse in Lego <<
  Last week we asked you to beat our version of
  Star Trek's Sulu and make your own favourite
  celebs from Danish plastic bricks. Viridian
  stepped up to the might challenge with a
  fantastic and almost arty Amy Winehouse. Looks
  just like her, but with better skin.

  >> Star Wars jugglers <<
  "I've made something that you might like,"
  proffers Thomas Scott like an internet Fagin,
  "it's called "The Coruscant Juggling Club", and
  it's got some Jedi jugglers in it." He also
  asked us to make some jokes about balls but
  we're far too sophisticated for that. (BTW: Our
  favourite new expression for semen is
  'ballpaper paste'.)


  Public Transport Trauma

  Last week we asked for your public transport
  woes. Based on these, we don't ever want to
  share a bus with any of you:

  weeks ago I was forced to remove my
  transformers t-shirt at Heathrow Terminal 5 to
  get through airport security. Because the
  depicted robot was carrying a gun according to
  the security guy. I got on page 15 of "The Sun"
  on Monday. The BBC heard about it, and sent
  over a film crew - I even got a pint on the
  BBC. Which tasted even better coming from my
  license fee. It even got as far that my Mum in
  Brisbane. The worst experience is to come as I
  expect I've been put on a 'black list' for
  extra special treatment next time I go through
  an airport for showing what fools BAA are. The
  most amusing thing about the whole thing is
  reading comments on blogs/news sites around the
  world. They range from those giving grief to a
  30 year old wearing a transformers t-shirt, to
  those arguing that it isn't Megatron, it's
  Optimus Prime." (Kaer)
  * FREE HAIR GEL - "Manchester, Saturday night.
  The last available double seat downstairs was
  right in front of a pack of chavvy looking guys
  of about 15. They didn't look too bad though
  and the one directly behind me was unmistakably
  learning disabled so I thought they were
  probably quite nice to be out with him really.
  I have pretty nice hair. It's long, it's silky,
  it's been described as 'glistening in the sun
  like freshly spun gold' when just washed.
  People comment on it a fair amount and a lot of
  my friends like to randomly stroke it, so I
  wasn't all that surprised when I felt someone
  behind me playing with it. When I turned round
  to ask the kid to stop... well, you can't hide
  a raging boner in a pair of nylon trackies.
  Somewhat freaked out, I said nothing and turned
  back around. I didn't really want to draw any
  attention to the poor guy, but when I heard the
  lads he was with start laughing, I realised
  they must have noticed. I felt a bit sorry for
  him when I got off the bus to meet my friend
  for swimming. She told me I looked a bit weird,
  so I explained what had happened as we went
  inside. It was only when passed her in the
  changing rooms that she let out a shriek. You
  guessed it. Retarded Scally Boy had had a
  lovely bus wank and jizzed in my hair."
  (Completely Underwhelmed)
  * SO, SO SORRY - "I would like to apologise to
  the cleaners of the toilets on First Capital
  Connect trains. I was mid-poo and needed to be
  sick and I wasn't sure what to do. I now
  realise that deliberating with my arse facing
  the door and my mouth the wall wasn't the best
  thing to do when the spasm hit. To spray so
  completely two sides of a toilet and the floor,
  although impressive, must have ruined your
  morning. You will be rewarded in the afterlife
  and I will be reincarnated as a toilet duck."
  (sepang - who is not welcome in B3ta HQ any
  time soon)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  How far have you had to go before someone will
  finally get the message and accept that they
  are dumped? Tell us all about it here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Sexist lols <<
  Men all over the world are being currently
  dragged to see the Sex And The City movie, to
  keep their wives and girlfriends happy. They
  may pretend to like it, but these two links
  represent what they really think. (Unless they
  are gay. Or like wearing dresses.)

  >> 2girls1cup Cake <<
  We recently made a Thomas the Tank Engine cake
  for a child's birthday, simply by taking a
  picture off the internet and giving it to our
  local cake shop. These people did the same, and
  we hope the party went with a swing. BTW: Just
  looked into printing our own cakes, you can get
  special non-lethal ink for  printer for about
  £120 and make about 150 cakes. 

  >>  Crap Album Covers <<
  We shouldn't slag off MS Paint, it's like
  kicking a wounded puppy, but the Fisher-Price
  version of photoshop you get with Windows
  really is shit. Nonetheless we love this series
  of classic album covers, all lovingly rendered
  with - yes, you guessed it, MS Paint. Their
  spack-handed quality gives them a remedial
http://snipurl.com/mspaintisbent  [flickr_com] 

  >> Joke with a five year punchline <<
  We marvel at someone who can be arsed to bury a
  laminated letter at the bottom of a pond in the
  hope that they can go HA! at some unspecified
  time in the future.
http://snipurl.com/pondlols  [www_thatcanadiangirl_co_uk] 

  >> Nasty prison knives <<
  Shivs are improvised weapons made by lags for
  stabbing the screws. We enjoyed this rather
  nasty little collection, although if we were in
  chokey, we'd blind people with our thumbs.



  Admit it, you've always wondered how the powers
  that be create accurate maps. Do they send
  artistic monkeys into space? Do they attach
  colossal cameras to zeppelins? Is someone
  making plaster casts of the world while we
  sleep? Well, now you need wonder no more...


  Now showing on Easyjet...

  >> Wazzock of the week <<
  Only a complete pillock would decide to slide
  down a ladder in his mum's laundry basket,
  especially if the laundry basket is haphazardly
  propped up against a tree. The result is
  predictable but who ever said predictable isn't

  Multiplayer games: most people  play by the
  rules, spoilsports hide behind a wall and snipe
  their opponents, but it takes a special type of
  cunt to sit on a horse and systematically kick
  anyone who passes him into a deep ravine. Bonus
  points for the music. 

  >> Can I smell yo dick? <<
  Beyond parody and possibly one of the chavviest
  tracks we've ever heard. Jeremy Kyle should
  abandon his rubbish lie detector tests and go
  for the penis-scented jugular - "can I smell
  your dick?"

  >> Jacko is the Child Catcher <<
  Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is made even more
  noncetastic by the addition of Michael Jackson's
  Earth Song. BTW: Sadly cuts out before Guy
  Pratt's brilliant bass work on the final chorus.
  (Um. We've been reading his autobiog, and it's
  highly recommended to all music nerds.)

  >> Creepy pencil <<
  Donnie Darko so much to answer for. Art
  students can't even do course work these
  days without turning it into a vortex sucking
  pan dimensional paedo fest. Top marks.

  >>Charlie the Unicorn is back <<
  A year ago we featured the very loveable
  Charlie the Unicorn. Now he's back with two
  supremely irritating Cartman voiced companions
  who remove an amulet from his back while he's
  trying to watch the telly. Adult Swim we hope
  you're reading as this is genius.


  Now featuring Penis User

  Whoever designed the cover of this issue of
  Parents Magazine might regret the placing of
  mummy's head. The sticker doesn't help either.
  Old, and all over the internet, but then so are


  Burn baby, burn

  Many of you will have noticed that our site
  was down for much of the previous week, thanks
  to a fire at our service provider. It was a
  right painus in the anus, we can tell you.

  However, we got some lovely messages of
  encouragement like this from Sheep: "Really
  glad B3ta's up and running again. Slightly
  soppy thanks to you (and your support people)
  for still doing b3ta after all these years. I
  only realised how much I enjoy and appreciate
  the site when it was gone, and it was
  definitely sad to have B3ta down even for a few

  BTW: Make sure you check out Sheep's site, he's
  been brightening up our boards with his
  self-starring loops since time began.


  Girlfriend, give your boy mo love!

  Mike W pleads, "I write to you with what I
  assume is an unusual personal request. My
  wonderful girlfriend Vicky Darkness is a fan of
  this website and all the random/pointless crap
  it contains. And to put it bluntly, the fact
  she's always on this website, it's destroying
  our relationship. She has actually told me that
  she prefers to have a computer than me, which
  makes me feel just spiffing. So instead of my
  trying and failing to get through to her myself
  I figured I'd ask if you could possibly put an
  eye-catching feature in your next newsletter to
  give her a message... maybe saying something
  about B3ta always being there but Mike (Me)
  won't be."

  So there you go. Phil Collins dumped his missus
  by fax, and Mike W is issuing an ultimatum by
  the magic of B3ta. There will be wobbling.


  Results from the Ronseal Plots Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to do exactly what it
  says on the tin.

  Your favourites included:
  * BINTS - Sex In The City (prodigy69)

  * MIDGETS - Lord of the Rings (Damocles)

  * CHRIST - The Bible (M3Essential)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> Famous Tart Cards <<
  Take a celeb, and fire up Photoshop to show us
  how they would advertise their wares in a seedy
  telephone box ad. Challenge suggested by The
  Great Architect.

  BTW: As Fraser was busy helping the police with
  their enquiries last week, we didn't run the
  results form the photoshop money challenge.
  Winners were Spunky McPunk, WiL and tapeworm
  - them and all the rest can be found here:


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CYRIAK RIP OFF - Our very own photomashing
  B3tard is feeling a bit peeved by a recent
  McDonalds ad. Compare and contrast.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DIY LION POO EXPERIMENT - Eat an entirely
  meat diet for a few weeks, then see if your
  shit repels cats from the garden? (Joel, this
  one is for you.)
  * ANSWER A B3TARD'S QUESTION! - omg_oakley asks,
  "Is there such thing as a pill or some other
  system to make ordinary tap water into fizzy

  * COCK AND BALL QUIZ - Woking Girl coquettishly
  enquires, "Have you ever played cock or ball?
  It's where you show a bit of your cock or ball
  over your trousers and everyone else has to
  guess if its a bit of cock or ball.Good way to
  pass a bank holiday.  I am a girl, by the way,
  I didn't take part." Nonsense, you loved it.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  'Lucy Reese' Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  Azra3l, Caewan and some others who we're deeply
  sorry we're forgetting to mention but Dave is
  on his hols and he's much better at remembering
  who to credit than Rob is. Top Tippery by
  Maudlin McCann. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via chenobble.


  Just the right amount of Mr Muscle in your
  wife's tea allows you to satisfy your
  Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy.


  I for one much prefer the Austrian version of
  Big Brother.

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