NEWSLETTER: "BEATEN INTO 6TH PLACE BY LABOUR"
This Week:
* PAIN - Scotch eggs are the cure
* VID - Dancing Matt 2
* ANIM - Shatner's Common People
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 334 - 27 Jun 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue334/
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: SPONSORED LINK
Like stupid shit?
You'll probably hate this then. The future of
creativity is here:
http://www.zooqoo.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Eggs, sport and offices. Woo hoo!
>> Scotch egg pain relief <<
Hangover? Depression? Period pain? Happytoast
advocates the analgesic power of pork and egg.
Nicely done, although the computer-generated
woman's voice makes it a soupcon bad-trippy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nurofegg
>> Olympic logo is awesome! <<
The logo design for the 2012 London Olympics
has caught its fair share of flak. Cap'n looks
to set the record straight - everybody really
loves it. And it has uncanny abilities to
heal... or harm.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/196920
>> Office light sabre fight <<
Blokeys mucking about in the office after hours
discover real light sabres, kind of thing. We
liked the naturalistic performances.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/199705
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Old People Speak Truths
We wanted the sage advice you'd been handed down
by previous generations. We've collected our
favourite bits of advice below, shorn of all
context for comic effect, so do read the full
stories here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplespeaktruths/
Some of this stuff is remarkably specific:
* "Remember to fuck around a lot, when I was
growing up we weren't allowed to."
* "Never look at your mum when she's eating
a banana."
* "If anyone in Brazil tries to mug you, kick
them in the balls till they drop to the
ground, then stamp on their throat."
* "You learn something every day... and then
forget it every night"
* "Never try shitting in a wicker waste paper bin."
* "Our family are too handsome to fight. Leave
that to the Uglies."
* "Forget looks an' tits an' shite. All ya needs
from life is a woman with a heart of gold and
a fanny like a jar of worms."
Also 'mon bison' warns, "don't listen to every bit
of advice old people give you. I once believed
what an old guy told me but it turns out he was
lying: They WERE the droids we were looking for."
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your biggest disappointments. Talk to
us here if you can bear it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/disappointment/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Children's drawings recreated as photos <<
Picture the scene: a four-year-old boy sitting
in class sketching. His friend says, "What's that
you are drawing? What are the small black
triangles falling from the sky?" "It's raining
vaginas." Just a suggestion for where this art
project might like to go next.
http://snurl.com/yesverynicedear [www_yeondoojung_com]
>> Could you live in a cupboard? <<
Jay Shafer makes tiny houses - the size of a
small bedroom - and sells them in Ikea-style
kits for you to live in. Cost? About £20k to
you mate.
http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/
>> Best Photo of Toast Award 2008 <<
Some dull story about building a super-toaster,
but we love it for the long scrolly photo.
http://snurl.com/toastpiclol [gizmodo_com]
>> Sing my ringtone <<
Chavvy shit: a ringtone site that sings your
name in an annoying, "Rob! Rob! Answer the
phone" stylee. Um so why are we linking it?
Made us laugh more than anything else this
week. Really. Maybe we're broken.
http://www.singmyring.com/
>> Ladybird police <<
Old gits will remember the Ladybird books -
designed for swots who actually wanted to know
how things worked rather than just play Frogger
and sniff glue. Here's the police one -
rewritten for amusing lol internets fun time.
http://seorant.ath.cx/police/ladybird.html
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Because web people under 30 can't read
>> Star Trek Common People <<
The cartoon series Kirk and Spock paired up
with big Bill Shatner's cover of the Pulp
classic. Simple win.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/198509
>> Return of Dancing Matt <<
The erstwhile internet star returns to his
globe-trotting, light fantastic-tripping ways.
This vid has some impressive locations but what
makes it so nice is all the other people
joining in. It's like he's some sort of lovely
ambassador, uniting the world through dancing
like a twat. (We think it's advertising chewing
gum btw)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Where_The_Hell_Is_Matt:2
>> Escalator spin <<
You can lie on the moving handrails of adjacent
escalators and they'll rotate you round. Looks
like a great way to liven up your next visit to
a department store. Remember, it's all fun and
games until someone gets caught in the gubbins.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Escalator_Spin
>> Awesome rap sequence <<
Vintage teen movie rates a guy's coolness by
his ability to rap and breakdance, boy-band
style. Standout line: "Look how funky he is!"
We'd make some joke about the ridiculousness of
some current teen fashion, but we're afraid it
will have already become kitsch and quaint in
the time it takes the email to reach you.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Top_that
>> Lion reunion <<
Two blokes who raised a lion cub go visit him,
now he has grown to adulthood in the wild.
Brilliant soft rock soundtrack helped tug at
our withered, dried-up heart strings.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Two cocks one tit
* PM'S WIFE IN TWIN COCK SHOCKER - Sarah Brown
always seemed a such a sensible lady, a
refreshing change from letterbox gob Cherie
Blair. But this jaunty jacket suggests at a
darker side to the PM's wife - could she be
wearing the trophies of a parliamentary spit
roast?
http://snurl.com/brownwife [www_imagehosting_gr]
* BOO BEE JUICE - This should contain milk but
it looks like an even more toxic version of
Sunny D. The name doubtless refers to the
massive moobs your kiddies will be sprouting if
they quaff too much of this sugary slop.
http://www.unibev.co.uk/1210/8456.html
* PHALLIC LOGO #15741 - We're not sure why this
painfully spiky-looking penis has been chosen
to represent a new property development. Maybe
the designers just cocked up?
http://www.a1-hi-country-condos.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Olympic Mascot Challenge
Last week we wanted you to design a mascot
for London 2012.
Your favourites included:
* SOCK - about 1,000,000% better than whatever
the official mascot will be. (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8476332
* SHAPE - whereas the official choice will
probably look exactly like this (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8479199
* QUO - b3ta favourites Rick and Francis return
once again, this time in British red and blue
(giraffen)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8476681
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/olympicmascot/
>> New challenge: Literal Road Signs <<
Imagine if road signs, instead of directing you
or warning of expected hazards, told you
precisely what was taking place at that
particular moment. Then 'shop the results of
your imagination. Challenge inspired by
Virulent.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literalroadsigns/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* RACIALISTS! - many of you wrote in to say our
Who's Younger quiz confused Michael Jordan with
Magic Johnson. Some of you even suggested
this was racism rather than lack of interest in
American sporting heroes. Although they both
have bum-AIDS don't they?
* B3TA VS NME - our old 'extending album art
challenge' from last Christmas has been turning
up absolutely everywhere. Including the NME who
managed to plop each image onto a separate
page and flog nine adverts per entry and that's
not counting the advertorial. Kids - the NME is
still cool yeah?
http://nme.com/photos/468/1/-extended-album-sleeve...
* INTRODUCING MONDAY REMEMBERED - nice to see
that people haven't forgotten one of B3ta's
earliest stunts.
http://www.daniweb.com/blogs/entry2691.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SEX-TAPE-O-TRON - since even Verne Troyer is
getting in on the act (give us some mind-bleach
please) what about making a little toy where
you can upload your friend's/celeb's face onto a
video thing and send it around? Maybe with a
checkbox for a wanking monkey.
* CORPORATE STATIONERY - when we go to a
meeting with a big company we like to blag a
bit of stationery as a trophy. OK, we've only
done it twice, but with your help we can create
something impressive.
http://snipurl.com/amazingpens [www_flickr_com]
* JOHN LESLIE RAPE QUIZ - as the headline in
the Evening Standard recently went. We gasped,
"Surely that's a b3ta quiz?"
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Dai_Marzipan,
hexachordal, philevans, newaer, jfulton, Ana
Piresmarques, Manic, GoldenNinjaWarrior and
cris69. Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols from DogHorse. Secret bonus link:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_confuse_an_idiot
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TOP TIP:
Make your own budget boil in the bag cod in
parsley sauce by simply scraping the
bread-crumbs off a fish finger and slipping it
inside a used condom. (Chewy)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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SICKIPEDIA:
Sex is like squaring numbers. If they're under
16, just do them in your head.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
