NEWSLETTER: "ZIMBABWE NEWS - ROBERT MUGABE WINS WIMBLEDON"
This Week:
* COOKING - How to make tea properly
* SONG - Jonti sings about his shit diet
* VIDEO - Techno Chicken
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 336 - 11 Jul 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue336/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Mobile
Getting this tiger’s number will be some
challenge...
http://www.facethetask.com/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Tea, Waffles and 'Television'
>> 2 cups 1 bag <<
Beating the credit crunch in B3ta Towers we're
now making two cups of tea from one cup. Well
to be honest, we're actually very mean and want
to spread our gospel of extreme thrift like a
cancer through consumerism. In case you don't
believe this is possible - here is the evidence.
http://www.b3ta.com/features/2cups1bag/
>> Waffles! <<
Jonti's diet consists solely of waffles and
he's making an aggressive bid to make you
follow suit. Not safe for work, if your
employer frowns on cartoon snackfood sex
scenes.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/waffles/
>> Gonzo TV channel <<
Randomly loads up an eclectic bunch of videos
to make a little webby TV channel. Lip-syncing
muppets, magic tricks and drive-by projecting.
We enjoyed this very much, although we did have
to sit through the sweary Lion King a couple of
times. Props to Rob Wakefield.
http://www.gonzoetrope.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Tales of the Unexplained
Last week we asked for your stories of the
supernatural:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unexplained/
Here are three that amused us:
* EXTERMINATE - "A friend of a friend had been
an enthusiastic user of psychedelic drugs in
his younger years. He ended up dragged along
to a nightclub after imbibing acid and was
seriously not enjoying himself. In the throes
of a bad trip he cut his losses, ditched the
club to head home as quickly as possible. The
trip got worse and worse: at one point he was
chased into an alleyway by a horde of marauding
Daleks. Faced with a brick wall dead end, he
dropped to his knees and pleaded for his life,
but still the evil Daleks kept coming for him.
He arrived at his flat, soaked in sweat before
bolting the front door and closing the curtains.
So shaken up was he that he didn't leave his
flat until the following Monday morning when
he left for work, still traumatised. The Dalek
episode had seemed so real... must have been
bad acid. Our hero's confusion cleared when he
picked up the local newspaper on his way to the
office and read the headlines... the shortcut
past the back of the town hall? Being trapped
in an alleyway by Daleks? Turned out he'd had
the misfortune to be running past the back of
the town hall just as the exhibits for that
weekend's Dr Who convention were being unloaded
from the back of a van." (PJM)
* TERMINATE - "At work, trying to get an old dear
to go inside and go to bed, but she refused to
go in the building. Kept saying "I won't go in
while the white ladies are there". Tried dragging
her, threatening her and drugging her, wouldn't
move - ended up spending the night sleeping on
the veranda. In the morning we found one of the
oldies dead. Over the next 5 years that I worked
that ward she did it 8 times, dead one the next
morning every time. Still does it apparently..."
(31eeweep)
* COW&GATE - "My neighbour is a mystery. He's an
old fella - must be in his 90s but seems friendly
enough. Every day for years, he has always had
just one bottle of milk delivered. Then, just the
other day, there was two bottles stood outside his
house. Nothing strange there but, the day after...
three. Then four the day after that and then five.
This morning, as I passed his house there was 8
or 9 bottles stood on his step. I've no idea what
he's up to, but I haven't seen him since he developed
this intense thirst for milk. I don't think it's
doing him much good either - there's a terrible
smell coming from his house." (Zak McFlimby)
>> This Week's Question <<
We all fake it from time to time, but did you get
away with it? Or were your mendacious ways exposed?
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fakingit/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> China Olympic security <<
Nice pics of China's Olympic security teams
showing off their fighting skills. Rather
alarmingly they are armed with flame-throwers,
surface-air missiles and an elite squad with...
Segways?
http://snipurl.com/comeuptomyknees [www_boston_com]
>> Real world Google Images <<
If you're finding the real world a little
overwhelming, why not print out this simple
template. Hold it in front of your face and
your view will be filtered through the safe
familiarity of Google's Image Search results
page.
http://wrongdistance.com/
>> No sober people in Ireland <<
Or at least so says this search on the
country's Yellow Pages. Small racist lols
ahoy!
http://goldenpages.ie/search/Ireland/sober_people....
>> Real or fake band name? <<
Lengthy quiz where, guess what, you choose
which of two names actually belongs to a band.
Shame there's no overall score table but each
answer tells you what proportion of previous
people got it right.
http://www.amiright.com/names/real-or-fake-band/
>> Asda iced bun <<
Think you're bored off your tits at work?
Probably not as much as the people in this
supermarket bakery. Would have been funnier of
they'd iced on 'Tesco' though.
http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/8569/0407200802...
>> Visual Google search <<
Geeky little trick, putting in a query with
odd characters so that the results page shows a
little picture. Worth a look.
http://icanhaz.com/googlepic
>> Amazon women have no vaginas <<
That is to say that something very odd is going
on in the genitalecular area of these
unfortunate amazon lingerie models. Sort of
safe for work, in a very technical sense.
http://snipurl.com/likemymothers
>> State of the web summer 2008 <<
Visual representation of web-related news this
season. Pretty. Informative. Maybe.
http://0at.org/summer-2008.html
>> 3D scanner made with milk and lego <<
You have to salute the nerdery of people who
make a device that lets you build 3D computer
models of objects by taking snaps as you slowly
pour milk on them.
http://www.instructables.com/id/Milkscanner-V1.0/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Vids for kids selected by flids
>> "I'm not here to make friends" <<
Apparently, people don't go on reality shows to
make friends. Someone has watched a mind-bending
amount of reality TV to cull together all the
retards making their game-plan clear. Our
betting is that anyone who utters these
irritating words always loses.
http://snipurl.com/realitytvbores [fourfour_typepad_com]
>> Western spaghetti <<
The world went stop-motion a couple of years
back - we blame YouTube as flash animation
looks crap compressed into video. Great,
visually innovative example of the genre from
onetime B3ta contributor PES.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Western_Spaghetti_by_PES
>> Techno chicken <<
Let us tell you everything we know about
chickens. 1. Danny Baker once hosted a round of
Pets Win Prizes called "Cluck Off!" 2. The
phrase "running around like a headless chicken"
is true, they sometimes do run around a bit
after you remove their heads, although probably
not for long. 3. They are very very stupid. We
worked on a small farm for a while and used to
frighten them by pretending to be a peacock.
Anyway, enjoy your deep-fried chicken lols.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Techno_Chicken
>> Physicist plays bongos <<
Nobel prize-winning physicist Richard Feynman
playing the bongos and yammering on about
orange juice. Cheery stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Thrice the content, a third of the mirth
>> Kuk & Fuk pasta <<
What need of a partner when you have this
versatile convenience food to tackle all your
bodily needs?
http://snipurl.com/lovelyfoodystuff [i340_photobucket_com]
>> Roger Boyes <<
On the plus side, you're not going to forget
his name in a hurry, which is probably useful
for a freelance journalist.
http://snipurl.com/childrapist [www_timesonline_co_uk]
>> Doolittle & Dalley <<
Estate agents providing proof, if it were
needed, that it you really don't need to come
up with a cool name for your company.
http://www.doolittle-dalley.co.uk/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Fat Britain Challenge
Last week we wanted to know to see the future -
a future where our great nation is obese.
Your favourites included:
* BENCH - a cruel plank from someone dearly
departed (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8524727
* JABBA THE HUT - fuck me, just look at the
size of him (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8522791
* ROUND - an old gag, but never more splendidly
drawn (grey kid)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8526629
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fat/
>> New challenge: Cartoon Identity Crisis <<
Interpret your favourite cartoons - the stuff
you loved as a child or contemporary characters
- in the style of another, or in a style of
your own choosing. Challenge idea by Cockweasle.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cartooncrisis/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
GRAFITTI STUFF - "I ran into US graffiti
artist Broken Crow at the Cans Festival earlier
this year," reveals pickup_stix. "I jokingly
suggested that next time he was in the UK he
might want to paint my house. Didn't expect him
to agree."
http://www.flickr.com/photos/pickup_stix/sets/7215...
* ROB'S SCROLLWHEEL CHEESE successfully grossed
out Radio 1 DJ Greg James. Amusingly, some
readers of his blog thought it was Greg's
crusty old mouse-filth.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/gregjames/2008/07/this_...
* BOOZE PLAN DIET - Huzzah for DTMX who put our
plan of an all-alcohol diet into action. But oh
noes, he ran out of money on about the second
day. Let's hope he can secure some sort of
grant or sponsorship to further pursue this, in
the name of Science.
http://beerforb3ta.blogspot.com
* GRAPH OF KHAAAN - My Future Self writes,
"Quite some time ago, a fellow b3tard suggested
to make a graph of Google hits by the number of
vowels in the word ‘khan’; here it is." Handy
to help us standardise spelling of Shatner's
catchphrase from the classic Wrath of Khan. We
suppose.
http://snipurl.com/khaaaaan [www_infinitypoint0_com]
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MOBILE PHONE RETURN TEST - buy a handful of
cheap phones and program them with 1 number
saying labelled 'home' with your own phone
number. Place them in different locations and
see if they get returned. Who's more honest -
posh people or commoners?
* HOW STRONG IS SUPERGLUE? Could you glue a
washing machine to the ceiling?
* CHEWING UP PAPER - what's the biggest ball of
chewed -up paper you can make? We're sure you
can beat our 'one tissue, about the size of a
golf-ball' challenge.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by luvtub, w3rthers,
Friz 4.1, Kushan, furey, kol, Tadlad and
tellum0 Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Lunchtime Moneysaver: don't waste money on
expensive Cup-a-Soups. Instead, simply vomit
into a mug and leave it to go cold on your
desk, then tip it down the sink at the end of
the day. (costas)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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SICKIPEDIA:
I just don't get it, everyone goes on about
David Beckham being thick, but no one says
anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at
football do they?
http://www.sickipedia.org/
