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This Week:
* COOKING - How to make tea properly
* SONG - Jonti sings about his shit diet
* VIDEO - Techno Chicken

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 336 - 11 Jul 2008

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  Crouching Tiger, Hidden Mobile

  Getting this tiger’s number will be some

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Tea, Waffles and 'Television'

  >> 2 cups 1 bag <<
  Beating the credit crunch in B3ta Towers we're
  now making two cups of tea from one cup. Well
  to be honest, we're actually very mean and want
  to spread our gospel of extreme thrift like a
  cancer through consumerism. In case you don't
  believe this is possible - here is the evidence.

  >> Waffles! <<
  Jonti's diet consists solely of waffles and
  he's making an aggressive bid to make you
  follow suit. Not safe for work, if your
  employer frowns on cartoon snackfood sex

  >> Gonzo TV channel <<
  Randomly loads up an eclectic bunch of videos
  to make a little webby TV channel. Lip-syncing
  muppets, magic tricks and drive-by projecting.
  We enjoyed this very much, although we did have
  to sit through the sweary Lion King a couple of
  times. Props to Rob Wakefield.


  Tales of the Unexplained

  Last week we asked for your stories of the

  Here are three that amused us:

  * EXTERMINATE - "A friend of a friend had been
    an enthusiastic user of psychedelic drugs in
    his younger years. He ended up dragged along
    to a nightclub after imbibing acid and was
    seriously not enjoying himself. In the throes
    of a bad trip he cut his losses, ditched the
    club to head home as quickly as possible. The
    trip got worse and worse: at one point he was
    chased into an alleyway by a horde of marauding
    Daleks. Faced with a brick wall dead end, he
    dropped to his knees and pleaded for his life,
    but still the evil Daleks kept coming for him.
    He arrived at his flat, soaked in sweat before
    bolting the front door and closing the curtains.
    So shaken up was he that he didn't leave his
    flat until the following Monday morning when
    he left for work, still traumatised. The Dalek
    episode had seemed so real... must have been
    bad acid. Our hero's confusion cleared when he
    picked up the local newspaper on his way to the
    office and read the headlines... the shortcut
    past the back of the town hall? Being trapped
    in an alleyway by Daleks? Turned out he'd had
    the misfortune to be running past the back of
    the town hall just as the exhibits for that
    weekend's Dr Who convention were being unloaded
    from the back of a van." (PJM)
  * TERMINATE - "At work, trying to get an old dear
    to go inside and go to bed, but she refused to
    go in the building. Kept saying "I won't go in
    while the white ladies are there". Tried dragging
    her, threatening her and drugging her, wouldn't
    move - ended up spending the night sleeping on
    the veranda. In the morning we found one of the
    oldies dead. Over the next 5 years that I worked
    that ward she did it 8 times, dead one the next
    morning every time. Still does it apparently..."

  * COW&GATE - "My neighbour is a mystery. He's an
    old fella - must be in his 90s but seems friendly
    enough. Every day for years, he has always had
    just one bottle of milk delivered. Then, just the
    other day, there was two bottles stood outside his
    house. Nothing strange there but, the day after...
    three. Then four the day after that and then five.
    This morning, as I passed his house there was 8
    or 9 bottles stood on his step. I've no idea what
    he's up to, but I haven't seen him since he developed
    this intense thirst for milk. I don't think it's
    doing him much good either - there's a terrible
    smell coming from his house." (Zak McFlimby)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We all fake it from time to time, but did you get
  away with it? Or were your mendacious ways exposed?
  Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> China Olympic security <<
  Nice pics of China's Olympic security teams
  showing off their fighting skills. Rather
  alarmingly they are armed with flame-throwers,
  surface-air missiles and an elite squad with...
http://snipurl.com/comeuptomyknees  [www_boston_com] 

  >> Real world Google Images <<
  If you're finding the real world a little
  overwhelming, why not print out this simple
  template. Hold it in front of your face and
  your view will be filtered through the safe
  familiarity of Google's Image Search results

  >> No sober people in Ireland <<
  Or at least so says this search on the
  country's Yellow Pages. Small racist lols

  >> Real or fake band name? <<
  Lengthy quiz where, guess what, you choose
  which of two names actually belongs to a band.
  Shame there's no overall score table but each
  answer tells you what proportion of previous
  people got it right.

  >> Asda iced bun <<
  Think you're bored off your tits at work?
  Probably not as much as the people in this
  supermarket bakery. Would have been funnier of
  they'd iced on 'Tesco' though.

  >> Visual Google search <<
  Geeky little trick, putting in a query with
  odd characters so that the results page shows a
  little picture. Worth a look.

  >> Amazon women have no vaginas <<
  That is to say that something very odd is going
  on in the genitalecular area of these
  unfortunate amazon lingerie models. Sort of
  safe for work, in a very technical sense.

  >> State of the web summer 2008 <<
  Visual representation of web-related news this
  season. Pretty. Informative. Maybe.

  >> 3D scanner made with milk and lego <<
  You have to salute the nerdery of people who
  make a device that lets you build 3D computer
  models of objects by taking snaps as you slowly
  pour milk on them.


  Vids for kids selected by flids

  >> "I'm not here to make friends" <<
  Apparently, people don't go on reality shows to
  make friends. Someone has watched a mind-bending
  amount of reality TV to cull together all the
  retards making their game-plan clear. Our
  betting is that anyone who utters these
  irritating words always loses. 
http://snipurl.com/realitytvbores  [fourfour_typepad_com] 

  >> Western spaghetti <<
  The world went stop-motion a couple of years
  back - we blame YouTube as flash animation
  looks crap compressed into video. Great,
  visually innovative example of the genre from
  onetime B3ta contributor PES.

  >> Techno chicken <<
  Let us tell you everything we know about
  chickens. 1. Danny Baker once hosted a round of
  Pets Win Prizes called "Cluck Off!" 2. The
  phrase "running around like a headless chicken"
  is true, they sometimes do run around a bit
  after you remove their heads, although probably
  not for long. 3. They are very very stupid. We
  worked on a small farm for a while and used to
  frighten them by pretending to be a peacock.
  Anyway, enjoy your deep-fried chicken lols.

  >> Physicist plays bongos <<
  Nobel prize-winning physicist Richard Feynman
  playing the bongos and yammering on about
  orange juice. Cheery stuff. 


  Thrice the content, a third of the mirth

  >> Kuk & Fuk pasta <<
  What need of a partner when you have this
  versatile convenience food to tackle all your
  bodily needs?
http://snipurl.com/lovelyfoodystuff  [i340_photobucket_com] 

  >> Roger Boyes <<
  On the plus side, you're not going to forget
  his name in a hurry, which is probably useful
  for a freelance journalist.
http://snipurl.com/childrapist  [www_timesonline_co_uk] 

  >> Doolittle & Dalley <<
  Estate agents providing proof, if it were
  needed, that it you really don't need to come
  up with a cool name for your company.


  Results from the Fat Britain Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know to see the future -
  a future where our great nation is obese.

  Your favourites included:
  * BENCH - a cruel plank from someone dearly
  departed (monkeon)

  * JABBA THE HUT - fuck me, just look at the
  size of him (prodigy69)

  * ROUND - an old gag, but never more splendidly
  drawn (grey kid)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Cartoon Identity Crisis <<
  Interpret your favourite cartoons - the stuff
  you loved as a child or contemporary characters
  - in the style of another, or in a style of
  your own choosing. Challenge idea by Cockweasle.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  GRAFITTI STUFF -  "I ran into US graffiti
  artist Broken Crow at the Cans Festival earlier
  this year," reveals pickup_stix. "I jokingly
  suggested that next time he was in the UK he
  might want to paint my house. Didn't expect him
  to agree."

  * ROB'S SCROLLWHEEL CHEESE successfully grossed
  out Radio 1 DJ Greg James. Amusingly, some
  readers of his blog thought it was Greg's
  crusty old mouse-filth.

  * BOOZE PLAN DIET - Huzzah for DTMX who put our
  plan of an all-alcohol diet into action. But oh
  noes, he ran out of money on about the second
  day. Let's hope he can secure some sort of
  grant or sponsorship to further pursue this, in
  the name of Science.

  * GRAPH OF KHAAAN - My Future Self writes,
  "Quite some time ago, a fellow b3tard suggested
  to make a graph of Google hits by the number of
  vowels in the word ‘khan’; here it is." Handy
  to help us standardise spelling of Shatner's
  catchphrase from the classic Wrath of Khan. We
http://snipurl.com/khaaaaan  [www_infinitypoint0_com] 



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MOBILE PHONE RETURN TEST - buy a handful of
  cheap phones and program them with 1 number
  saying labelled 'home' with your own phone
  number. Place them in different locations and
  see if they get returned. Who's more honest -
  posh people or commoners? 

  * HOW STRONG IS SUPERGLUE?  Could you glue a
  washing machine to the ceiling?

  * CHEWING UP PAPER - what's the biggest ball of
  chewed -up paper you can make? We're sure you
  can beat our 'one tissue, about the size of a
  golf-ball' challenge.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by luvtub, w3rthers,
  Friz 4.1, Kushan, furey, kol, Tadlad and
  tellum0 Additional linkage and image challenge
  by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

  Lunchtime Moneysaver: don't waste money on
  expensive Cup-a-Soups. Instead, simply vomit
  into a mug and leave it to go cold on your
  desk, then tip it down the sink at the end of
  the day. (costas)


  I just don't get it, everyone goes on about
  David Beckham being thick, but no one says
  anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at
  football do they?

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