NEWSLETTER: "90% OF DOGS IN KOREA ARE INBRED. LIKE IN A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING"
This Week:
* BATTENBERG SIMULATOR - You wanted it, You got it
* VID - Balloon fail
* NIGELLA LAWSON TOPLESS MILK JUGS - A title too
good not to mention at the top
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Your one-stop shop
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for gangster rapers"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 339 - 31 July 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue339/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Neat Webcam Trick
I bet you thought that the most use you’d ever
have for a Chinese symbol would be that
oh-so-original tattoo your mates convinced you
to get for your birthday. Not so my friend, not
so.
http://www.facethetask.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Exciting sub-headline makes you clicky
>> Battenberg simulator <<
Cake, oh blessed cake, if it wasn't so tasty
then the internet wouldn't be so fat. Thank
Monkeon for producing this state-of-the-art
Battenberg simulator to bring the power of
chequered sponge squares to your internet. B3ta
salutes you, well it would but the only time we
lift our hands towards our head it's to put
more cake in our fat faces.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/battenberg/
>> Sheepfilms vs. Chair <<
Regulars will be familiar with the quirky
vignettes of Dave from Sheepfilms. His most
famous moment being the now-legendary fart
lighting video, which now means he can't leave
his Brighton home without a mob of guff-hungry
fans serenading him with a symphony of air
trumpets. His latest work? Printing chairs
using his inkjet printer. (Which is a bit like
a dot-matrix printer, but more modern and fast,
future-fans.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Perspective_Chair
>> Willy Wonka: Drug Tsar <<
Marilyn Manson always had a thing about the
gratuitously druggy nature of the 1971
kiddie-flick Willy Wonka & the Chocolate
Factory, and b3tard Dogfood is on a similar
trip, picking out all the clips that scream
drug use. Some amusing editing here.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wonka_A_Recut_Trailer
>> Notorious Cabinet <<
Defying Darwin aka WordBomb, or even plain old
Rob Wakefield as the police know him, has been
applying his love of shouty hiphop to crap old
clips he's found on public film archives. We're
amused, you may be too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Pointless experiments
Last week we asked what ridiculous things you'd
done to further scientific knowledge. Played
with poo and wee, mostly:
http://b3ta.com/questions/experiments/
* HOT SHIT - "Home alone, Mum and Dad are at a
wedding and will be gone for hours. Brothers are
away on holiday. After three hours of casual
masturbation, I decided to make the most of the
empty house. What to do? Microwave a poo...
Not a good idea. The house stunk sooo bad I had
to deliberately burn some paper just so I could
get the blame for something a lot less offensive.
We got rid of the microwave shortly after because
it just didn't smell right."
(dan, dan, dan, dan, dan, dan)
* PUTTING THE ANNOY IN TANNOY - "Bored one Saturday
morning at the Sutton branch of B&Q, we conducted
customer experiments with the tannoy system. The
first announcement was, "Will the man with the
beard come to reception please?" Classic. Eight
blokes with various styles of beard turn up. We
tell them none of them are the right one. Next
announcement: "Will the man with the beard who
looks like The Master from Doctor Who come to
reception please?" Very hard to keep a straight
face at this stage. Two more customers turn up at
reception (one of whom had come up on the previous
announcement - but thought he might look a bit like
The Master). Both told despite having a passing
resemblance (and beards), they are not the droids
we are looking for. This carried on for some time:
"Will the customer who has left an mechanised
automaton in the car park please come to reception?"
Three people turned up "in case." "Will the lady
in the short skirt and high heels please come to
reception?" "Will the owner of the mobility scooter
currently on fire in the car park come to reception"
One petrified granny turns up on a zimmer. (felt
guilty about that one) Anyway, we got away with it
for several hours till the store manager got wind
of it. He went mental." (Mandrill)
* TRAMP COCKTAIL - "Doing the Duke of Edinburgh
Award thing. Tents had been set up, spliffs had
been consumed, I had run out of vodka. What other
alcohol might be available on a camping trip?
That's right, meths. Seeing as meths is undrinkable
neat, I combined it with the most logical mixer.
Custard. Such was my alcoholism in the day, I
actually managed to happily consume a whole bowl
of methy-custard. Don't do it kids."
(Madam Marlboro)
>> This Week's Question <<
What have you done to make money fast? Did you
actually make anything, or were you just ripped off
by someone who really was getting rich quick?
Did you have to sell your soul? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/getrichquick/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Lego album covers <<
Always good for a few clicks - famous stuff
recreated in other stuff. And album art too -
it's modern popular art innit? Much more loved
than anything else arty in the world ever. FACT.
http://www.thetoyzone.com/20-album-covers-recreate...
>> Online, 70s style <<
It's 1975 And This Man Is About To Show You The
Future. If we still ran image challenges based
upon us dweebs picking a source picture, we'd
choose these, and YOU'D MAKE IT ROCK.
http://www.squareamerica.com/ib.htm
>> Spoiler alert! <<
If you're too lazy to watch Cloverfield, here's
a quick primer of the entire plot. And in the
words of the bloke sitting next to us who
bothered to watch it, "It's funny because it's
true." Personally we're working through a 30
Rock marathon. Coz that's where we is at.
http://speterdavis.com/mcomics_cloverfield.html
>> Cakes wrecks <<
Book publishers! Here's your next idea for a
dirty tie-in website book: lots of photos of
really rubbish cakes. Comedy + food = win.
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
>> Stained glass geeks <<
Oooh! Idea! Next time a bunch of teenage
hoodlums throw half a brick through the window
to steal your 42" tellybox, replace the pane
with a stained-glass representation of your
favourite computer game characters. We'd do
Tetris, OBVIOUSLY. Because we're married and
the official B3ta wife wouldn't be happy with
Lara Crofts sending shafts of golden light
over the chintz carpet.
http://snipurl.com/geekstains [deputy-dog_com]
>> Suitcase Sausages <<
How meaty and yet how practical! Maybe our readers
would like to fashion their own from a handbag
and some Lidl carrion surprise.
http://bay01.imagebay.com/_upload/img/48/wurst_kof...
>> Chip pan Wikipedia! <<
Thanks to iowaseven who has written in to
share, "Everybody knows chip pans are famous
for catching fire, and none knows it better
than Wikipedia. Most of the page is devoted to fiery
inferno, rather than delicious potatoey
goodness." And blimey he does have a point.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chip_pan
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Simple lols for simple folk
>> Balloon fail <<
Oh yeah, let's let some balloons free for AIDS
or children with cancer. What could possibly go
wrong? We're giggling thinking about it.
GIGGLES we tell you.
http://www.liveleak.com/view
>> Cern Rap <<
Quite honestly we haven't watched this clip.
The concept repels us. Rapping? Geeks? We'd
rather wank in Gordon Brown's face. However, as
it was the mostly highly-voted clip on the site
this week, we figure this is what passes for
entertainment these days. CLICK ON, HIVE MINDERS.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/CERN_Rap
>> Dramatic cat <<
Ah, this is more like it: a cat playing tribute
to the most-lolled clip of 2006.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dramatic_Cat
>> Sooty and Sweep do Stevie Wonder <<
US readers look away now, we're doing one of
our periodical forays into parochial kids' TV
kitsch. Worth it for the wig work alone.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stars_in_their_Eyes_Swee...
>> Mad Poles <<
This is just glorious. Poland's answer to Jean
Michel Jarre put his video together on a
significantly smaller budget. Hence the CGI
being supplied by a Spectrum, a Commodore 64
and screengrabs from Raid Over Moscow.
http://patrz.pl/filmy/id/357661
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Tits with double spunk
* NIGELLA LAWSON TOPLESS MILK JUGS - made you
look, made you stare, made you cream your
underwear.
http://snipurl.com/marketinggenius [www_gadgethub_co_uk]
* JISM, the film. Some Bollywood toss, rather
than skin flick.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0348843/
* THE LIFE OF DICK SEAMAN, we hope he never had
fertility issues as then he'd be Dicky Seaman.
http://www.latphoto.co.uk/unique_collections/6
-------------------------------------------------
: SMALLEST SD CARD
The weakest entertainment idea we've ever run
Last week we asked if you could beat our 16MB
SD card, the useless crap little cards that
come with new cameras, so the first thing you
have to buy is an upgrade. THE CAPITALIST
GENIUS CUNTS.
* 8MB WIN! Lambkin writes, "It came with a
video camera. If you really are that interested
here's a picture."
http://snipurl.com/excitingwoohoo [s162_photobucket_com]
* 4MB FAIL! Pinacolada blithers, "Just read the
most recent newsletter (full of teh lolz as per
usual, may I add) and saw you were looking for
the lowest storage SD cards. Lo and behold in
front of me I find a retro 4MB compact flash
card! Not exactly SD but I thought I'd share it
with you." Yes, exactly. NOT A BLOODY SD CARD.
http://i33.tinypic.com/2dbruio.jpg
BTW: According to group-think spoilsports
Wikipedia, 8MB is as low as SD cards go. Unless
you know better. *makes dramatic dah dah dah
noises*
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secure_Digital_card
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Abusive Ducks Challenge
Last week we wanted you to portray the
grotesque evil of ducks.
Your favourites included:
* QUACK - it's the Ducks of Doom
(collapsibletank)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8591013
* QUACK QUACK - The Galactic Empire's early
Walker prototype (c_kick)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8595622
* QUACK QUACK QUACK - duck brutality at its
most horrific (Doctor When)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8591216
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/abusiveducks/
>> New challenge: Hats <<
It's time for one of b3ta's occasional,
do whatever you want, ball's in your
court, one-word challenges. The word?
Hats! Challenge suggested by
wobbly_bloke.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hats/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BEN WHEATLEY IN TV SHOW SHOCK - Good old Ben,
he's done really rather well for himself. From
humble beginnings posting on our boards, to
occasionally helping us write the newsletter,
he's gone a bit quiet over the last year, coz
the BBC decided to kidnap him and let him make
his own series. The trailer is on iPlayer here
and we'll be running an interview with YOUR
QUESTIONS nearer the transmission date. Yay for
old beardy Ben!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/wrongdoor/
* PUB MANK - Scaryduck has spun out from a
conversation on a recent QOTW and put together
his theory of how manky a pub is. Basically
it's about leaving change in the urinal and
seeing what's the smallest coin a punter will
pick up in the piss. There's some kind of
googlemap craziness going on too, but that just
scares us.
http://snipurl.com/disgustingidea [scaryduck_blogspot_com]
* DRUGGY MAD PEOPLE - Mr. Granger exhales,
"Inspired by the 'Drivin' on Salvia' link the
other week, I painstakingly researched the item
(well, wiki'ed it) and thought I'd give it a
go. I have a long history of experimenting with
various drugs and Eric (our host) seemed to be
having a pretty cool time.
"After purchasing some Salvia leaf from flea-bay
(and receiving a mail from them washing their
hands of the transaction), me and a mate set
about smoking some. Nothing! Yet another cr@p
"legal-high". Undeterred, I set off to our
local head-shop, checked out the options and
invested 15 quid in half a gram of Salvia at a
concentration of 40x.
"I loaded a small pipe with it, lit, inhaled and
as instructed by Eric, held on for around 30
seconds. OH MY GOD! I've done acid, mushrooms
and a few other hallucinogens over the years
but I have never actually believed that what I
was seeing was actually real. I saw and felt
the Universe folding in half in a straight line
running through my chest, as I gained the
knowledge that my whole life had been an
optical illusion which was now coming to an
end. Slightly disturbed by this trip (which
lasted approximately 3 minutes), I thought I'd
try again - same thing!
"Awesome experience I must say. I can fully
understand why ancient civilisations would've
used it in religious ceremonies as for a few
minutes I knew the secret of the Universe!
"I would send you the video of me at it but as
it's just me sat looking blank for a few
minutes it wouldn't help. Am planning to give
it another go so will get a mate to film and
will try to explain what's going on."
BTW: Don't take drugs kids, stick to sniffing
glue.
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
E4 flash game compo
We're helping the E4 site run a flash games
competition. The prize? £5k. Our bit? We're
making a game and a diary of our progress, read
the first bit here. And feel free to either
enter the challenge with your own game or help
us make ours. Read on, gentle readers, read on.
http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-01.html
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WIFE GAME - you play the
wife. Grind your partner into misery with
statements like, "Fine! You go down the pub
then" or "I'll just stay here and cry!"
* EAR WAX CANDLES - can you scrape enough wax
out of your lug holes to fashion a candle? Will
they burn? Maybe you could use a pube as a wick.
* SPAGHETTI LOAF - can you grind down pasta,
turn it back into flour and make bread out of
it? You will have solved the Italian bread
crisis. You fascist!
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by rbndrsn, ant, Bad
Horsey, rob wakefield, seekew, rsloman
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via MissTourettes.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Fat Ladies! Eat cakes and other confectionery
using only your fingertips, making yourself
appear dainty. (Marquischacha)
-------------------------------------------------
SICKIPEDIA:
Remains of five children have been found in the
search of a children's home in Jersey. However,
police say there is unlikely to be a murder
inquiry because it's impossible to date the
remains. Gary Glitter says he's willing to give
it a go.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
