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This Week:
* FOOD - The Jaffegg
* PICS - Souvenir vs. Reality
* SCIENCE - Chemistry vids!

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "Upset by somebody !
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       on the internet? 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|          DISCONNECT!"

B3ta email 338 - 25 JULY 2008 - Winchester Ed.

Read this issue with Bowser. Or Wario.

            Win: [email protected]
         Fail: [email protected]

  Amazing yawning lions

  Check out this online ad for a Samsung digital
  camera. It's loaded with all the worst sort of
  tired advertising cliches like yawning lions,
  rapping dead gazelles and bopping meercats.
  Why on earth can't these marketing idiots
  ever try something new?

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Eggs, Money and Wanks (Our life really)

  >> The Jaffegg <<
  A scotch egg without all the tedious white -
  just a smashing orangey bit of yolk. Sickpuppy
  spent an evening turning the b3ta board's dream
  into a sausagey, eggy reality. They look
  extremely scary.
http://snipurl.com/eggylols  [www_fatuous_co_uk] 

  >> Coin stack challenge <<
  Your bored newsletter editors spent a sunny
  afternoon stacking coins in the back-garden to
  see who could make a higher pile. It's tough at
  the top.

  >> Masturbation euphemisms <<
  "I've had a theory for a while that any
  combination of verb and noun can be a metaphor
  for masturbation," burps flatfrog. "I created
  the Marvellous Masturbation Metaphor Generator
  to test the theory. Conclusion: it kind of
  works. Now I'm off to strap the cloth."


  Tales of the Silver Screen

  Each week you tell us lies, and we stick them
  online before FHM.com does.
  Last week we asked you for your favourite films
  and how a trip to the cinema changed your life.

  * SUPERHEROES! - "When I was four, my mum took
  me to the cinema to see Superman, where I sat
  wiggling with excitement in my seat, unable to
  contain myself. This continued right up until
  Lex Luthor has Superman, weakened by
  kryptonite, drowning in his swimming pool. At
  which point I ran, tears streaming down my
  cheeks, screaming to the front of the cinema
  and yelled at the screen: 'Come on Superman,
  you can do it!' to gales of laughter from the
  rest of the audience. To which I responded by
  having a tantrum and repeating in my snotty
  high-pitched sob 'Stop laughing, stop laughing,
  stop laughing!' I’m now 34 and my Mum still
  tells that story to anyone she meets for the
  first time. Cow." (scarpe)

  * ZOMBIES! - I used to go to the flicks every
  Tuesday, usually to watch terrible horror
  movies. This was in the days when you'd get two
  movies for your money with an intermission
  between the features. So there we were, first
  flick finished, the lights came up and one of
  the usherettes appeared in front of the screen
  to sell ice-cream. One strapping Geordie lad
  bought a couple of ices and walked back to his
  seat, one in each hand. Then, suddenly, from
  one of the curtains covering the fire exits, a
  shambling monstrosity appeared. Off-green skin
  tone, ripped clothing, lots of visible
  festering wounds, head to one side - the whole
  zombie experience. The strapping Geordie lad,
  Cornettos clutched proudly in each hand, did
  what any other full-blooded Geordie would do.
  He screamed like a girl and kicked the zombie
  right in the knackers. It turned out that the
  zombie - which hit the floor like a sack of
  shit - was a member of the theatre staff who
  was dressed up to promote the next week's
  horror offering. (Legless)

  * DINOSAURS! - The touching tale of Spielberg's
  epic dino movie, a doomed stunt goat and blind
  panic in the auditorium. A modern classic, and
  well worth your click. (Dr Tugnut2) 

  >> This week: Pointless Experiments <<
  Come on, we've all tried to live for a week and
  an all-sweetcorn and beetroot diet to see if
  we'd get yellow poo and purple wee, haven't we?
  Tell us how you've diced with death in the name
  of science.


  Like if Reddit only ran 6 links per week

  >> Sex education <<
  Apparently commissioned by the NHS, and
  completely bloody brilliant.

  >> Souvenir vs. reality pics <<
  Simply an excellent idea - take photos holding
  up postcards and tacky keepsakes, masking views
  of national landmarks. Some of the buses are
  particularly amusing.

  >> Creepy Prague TV tower <<
  Frighteningly reminiscent of The Tripods, this
  futuristic structure looms over the Czech
  skyline. But wait... what are those figures
  crawling all over it? They seem to be... giant
  naked babies? And a closer look? Aiee!

  >> Rate my network diagram <<
  First it was Hot or Not, then it was Rate My
  Kitten... Now it seems the nerds have caught up
  with the internet. Check out these highly
  stimulating pics of interlinked servers.

  >> "You are beautiful" <<
  A bunch of arty types stick styrofoam cups into
  a chain link fence to spell out a positive
  message, then sit back to watch. It's not long
  before negative-minded passers-by muscle in on
  the action, modifying the message to their own

  >> Angry journo whine <<
  Times scribe Giles Coren lays into the
  newspaper's hapless sub-editors after they
  changed a single letter of his submitted piece.
  We are, to be honest, quite sympathetic - we'd
  *hate* for anyone to meddle with our deathless
  prose. But surely he could see he was laying
  himself open to the ensuing 127 comments
  calling him a cunt.

  >> Crank calls <<
  One of the blokes behind tip-top TV lolfest
  Look Around You has a new book out - and to
  promote it he's been making a series of prank
  phone calls. Here he is, relentlessly wasting
  the time of some poor call-centre monkey at


  Baby sloth

  This sleepy little sloth is barely a handful of
  hugs and fuzz. Oh, and it's part of a photo set
  titled Tiny Animals, which looks to be a rich
  vein of cuteness.
http://snipurl.com/theslothofkahn  [www_flickr_com] 


  Video is the new animated gif
  >> Periodic table of vids <<
  The periodic table of elements and a video of
  experiments for each, in what seems almost a
  pitch for a Top Gear of science. Check out the
  professor's awesome hair!

  >> Font conference <<
  The organisation of typefaces gathers to
  consider admitting Zapf Dingbats to its ranks,
  but danger rears its head. Nice selection of
  gags for the graphic design-inclined.

  >> Oobleck <<
  Like watching the dawn of life in a tray of
  milk. Oobleck is, apparently, a non-Newtonian
  substance made from cornstarch and water. It
  goes from liquid to solid when under stress. It
  certainly looks cool when put on top of a

  >> Crazy Saudi skate stunt <<
  Fucking hell. Blokes in traditional Saudi
  dress, on the motorway, rollerblading while
  hanging onto a car. They aren't even proper
  rollerblades - they look like a sandal version
  of those rolly shoes small children wear.

 >> Doctor Horrible <<
 Joss Whedon's serial musical about an inept
 supervillain is excellent, ticking a load of
 lol boxes at B3ta Towers. Shame you can't
 watch it on the official site. Still, enjoy
 YouTube and, hey, buy the DVD when it comes
 out, kids! (Or download it from piratebay)


  One dick, one cock, it's the B3ta newsletter

  * 'STREWTH MATE! G-Funk babbles, "I was
  watching Crocodile Dundee 2 the other night.
  There wasn't much else on and, to be honest,
  it's  not bad. However, just as I stood up to
  turn off the TV, I noticed a rather strange
  name in the credits."

  * COCK CACTUS - from the 'things that look like
  other stuff' files comes this set of succulents
  that resemble schlongs. Also reminiscent of
  Vagina dentata. Which is nice.


  Low budget film remakes: results!

  Your favourites included:
  * SEARCH FOR SPOCK - can't find him on Google,
  maybe they should have Asked Jeeves? (calibrax)

  * GHOST - naughty Blinky! Demi's tits are not
  for spunking ectoplasm on. (Brian O'Blivion )

  * MSDOS 2001 - Poor Hal, someone should have
  checked config.sys for conflicting drivers.

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here, or you could look at
  the lowest voted if you're some kind of

  >> Abusive Ducks - New challenge << 
  Ducks are complete shits, famous for
  wife-beating and general duck abuse. Show the
  world you're on to them. Blame the board for
  this when - they had mini-revolt and insisted
  on ducks, in some form of dirty protest.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  ANT TRAILS - "Just read last week's newsletter
  Top Tip about confusing ants by crossing their
  path with chalk," explains Kaol. "They walk in
  lines because they follow scent trails that
  other ants have laid down. A bit like tramps
  following the reek of Special Brew to find the
  Cardboard City. Rubbing chalk across the line
  will rub the scent trail away, so they'll get
  lost and confused. To be fair, rubbing anything
  across the line would do the job. Cheese, a
  severed toe or even a damp sponge would work

  BABY TIGER - The animal in the 'T' section of
  last week's featured Baby Animal Alphabet
  "bears a remarkably close resemblance to Robin
  Williams," observes Alcoholics Heironymous. By
  crikey - so it does! Poor, furry creature...


  Heath Robinson game

  Our favourite-ever PC game was The Incredible
  Machine, so quite why we didn't linky this last
  week is anyone's guess, as it was all over the
  interwebs and some of you wrote in to complain
  about its absence. Haven't you got anything
  better to do? Like eat cake?



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * NAZI LOLS - The Vomiting Hitchhiker shouts,
  "I am thinking of starting 'International Talk
  Like A Nazi Day', in the spirit of Dr
  Strangelove, Springtime for Hitler, 'Allo 'Allo
  etc, but I'm worried that it might still be a
  bit soon. What do your readers think?"

  * ELECTRIC TEA EXPERIMENT - cowjam writes, "I
  want to know which is cheaper, making tea using
  an electric kettle or one on the gas hob. Tea
  is important, and so is money. And I can't be
  arsed to work it out for myself."

  * LOWEST MB SD CARD CHALLENGE - we've got one
  that's 16MB can you beat that?

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by thewingedcroc, The
  Fretful Porpentine, Rusty, SockCooker
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Alistair Coleman is QOTW bloke.
  Subjectline via The Great Architect.

  Prevent your grubby work colleagues from
  nicking your milk by decanting it into a soya
  milk carton or bottle. No-one will touch it,
  believe me. (Bad Horsey)


  What was Michelle McManus' favourite musical
  instrument at school? The dinner bell.

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