NEWSLETTER: "ANOTHER SHIT JOKE ABOUT CANCER? OH GOODY!"
This Week:
* BEN WHEATLEY - Interviewed by YOU
* STOP MOTION - John Carpenter tribute
* LOLS - Worst Captchas of All Time
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________ ____ __ ___
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're making rubbish
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| lols... together"
B3ta email 342 - 22 Aug 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue342/
Nice people: [email protected]
Nasty people: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
TV, Otters and French pop music
>> Ben Wheatley interview <<
All your questions were given to our very own
Ben Wheatley this week and he answered pretty
much every one of them. If you do nothing else
this week we highly recommend getting yourself
to iPlayer on the BBC site and checking out
his show 'The Wrong Door'. There's loads of
excellent clips knocking about. Personal
favourite? The Booze Fairies. BTW: Why the odd
title? Ben found the sprawling BBC offices
confusing and kept entering the wrong door.
And not a reference to backdoor love at all.
Like you thought.
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/benwheatley/
>> Amphibious, fish-eating ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL <<
Mike Fishcake writes to say, "We have made a
very, very silly new short video (just over one
minute long), dedicated to two of the best
things in the world; Heavy Metal and Otters."
We like, we like muchly.
http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/article.php
>> Cyriak does French pop <<
"In case anyone was wondering what I've been up
to", writes Cyriak AKA Mutated Monty AKA Mr C
Harris (to the tax man that is), "This is a music
video I made recently. It's for some French
band I never heard of." Fantastic stuff, as per
usual, and a higher female leg count than
Robert Palmer's Addicted To Love.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/a_music_video_I_made_rec...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Thrown Away
We wanted to hear about the stuff you've loved
and lost.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/thrownaway/
* INNOCENCE - "You might think that alcohol is
a wonderful thing. I used to too. However, I
was forced to changed my opinion about that one
late evening in the autumn of 2006. I was
living, after the disastrous breakdown of a
relationship, with my Mum back in Essex. By
strange coincidence, my mother’s marriage had
fallen apart at pretty much the same time. We
were sitting in the garden, drinking a huge
bottle of Bacardi between us. Shakily, she sat
forward. Solemnly, she placed her glass on the
table, and fixed me with one of her crystal
gazes. “D’you wanna know something?” She
slurred, her eyes crossing slightly. "I’ve
never had an orgasm.” One second after this
gargantuan bombshell had been dropped, and I
was stone-cold sober. And, for the first time
in my short but colourful life, speechless. But
she wasn’t finished yet. “I was married to to
to him for TEN YEARS, and I could count the
amount of times we had sex on one hand. Three
times I’ve been married. THREE. TIMES. And the
nearest I got to sexual gra... gratifi...
gratification was driving on the rumble strips
on the way to Tesco.” After that, she collapsed
into mumbling. I retired to bed, shell-shocked.
We have never spoken of it again. Until, that
is, she enthusiastically told me that she’s
never had it so good, or so often, as she has
with her new man. So, good for them."
(Devil_In_Tights)
* MEMORY - "I recall remembering Christmases
long past, which once rewarded me with the sort
of foggy-edged softness that reminded me of
warm jumpers, fairy lights, The Wizard of Oz
and the delightful suspense of discovering
exactly what was hiding within the gift
wrapping, bearing my name on a hand-written tag.
Instead I now see them, sensing the
barely-contained paternal rage waiting for its
moment to burst forth, the glue of fear being
applied to ensure the family did exactly as we
were told. The cold disinterest from my father,
who'd turn on me with unrestrained rage should
I dare interrupt him from his peanuts, sweets
and the running commentary as he indulged us
all the enjoyment of the 1950s musicals on
television. I'm sure I remember the joy of
opening many, many presents bearing my name,
discovering that inside each one was a model
railway locomotive or scale rolling stock. How
lucky I was to receive so many gifts like this!
I was extremely fortunate. Yet today, it's
tinged with bitterness that unwrapping the
boxes was as close as my father allowed me to
get to his trains before they were carried up
into the loft, never to be seen again. I was
merely an excuse for him to justify spending a
small fortune on himself."(PJM)
>> This Week's Question <<
Are you gullible? There's £50 for every story
submitted.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/gullible/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Photoshop in your browser <<
Everything these days wants to work as a web
application, and there's been numerous attempts
at getting a photo editor to work in the
browser. Pixlr is the best we've seen so far -
it's pleasing to use from the first click. Buy
them, Adobe, before we do. Well, assuming they'd
consider our offer of £5 and go on the wife.
http://www.pixlr.com/app/
>> Collective Nouns <<
A mainstay of every conversation with cunts:
the collective noun. Here's an authoritative
guide from the Wikipedians, who can only be
saluted for including "a mimsy of birds", "a
trades union of chinchillas" and "A paradise
of elephants". None of these could possibly be
in any way "a buttload of crap."
http://snipurl.com/aloadofrubbish [en_wikipedia_org]
>> Dogs With Tits <<
Clairywoowoo writes to us with the request, "Mr
Perry needs all our help in his Dogs With Tits
campaign." Apparently Mr Perry photoshopped
some ladynorks onto a doggy he found on the
interweb. The dog owner then demands the swift
removal of the offending breasticular photo,
and Perry is hoping that the internets will
support him and replicate the canine with cans
all over the entire twatosphere. The rights and
wrongs of this particular case maybe should be
presented to the Electronic Frontier
Foundation, or at the very least, The Web
Sheriff.
http://snipurl.com/tittydog [bpperry3_blogspot_com]
>> Public loo map <<
Speaking as keen public shitters - our
favourite places to take a sneaky dump include
the obvious: McDonalds, and the less so: The
Waterstones by Piccadilly Circus. Some Google
Maps wizardry here to allow all the greatest
poo places to be scored via GPRS on your mobile
phone. Sadly only works in the USA, so we
mention it in the hope that scat-friendly UK
developers get on the job.
http://diaroogle.com/
>> Worst Captchas of All Time <<
Entering the oft lol-free-zone of Powerpoint
presentations is a collection of all those
phrases websites force you type to prove
you're not a spambot. Sounds dull but it wrung
a chortle from this joke-weary team.
http://www.docstoc.com/docs/1048763/Worst-Captchas...
>> Printing 3D <<
3D is a curse that's killing our culture.
First our platform games were destroyed, then
our films were ruined with crappy glasses. And
now the humble HP Laserjet is being replaced
by a website that prints your letters to mum
as 3D robots. If you can't wade through our
confusing jokes to understand what we're
really on about then we'll put it simply: make
a 3d model, upload it to site, pay money, get
object in the post. Awesome. We're sending
them our cocks. Hope they scale up well.
Nothing worse than penis jaggies.
http://www.shapeways.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Pixar has nothing on cameraphone lols
>> Stop-motion The Thing <<
Shot-for-shot remakes with kids' toys are always
a winner for the blokey audience. It says love,
it says obsession, and most of all it says
"please click me, I'm on the internet."
http://snipurl.com/thingything [www_bamkapow_com]
>> Inappropriate kitten <<
Comedy basics 101: All TV is funnier with a
random cat inserted, especially if it's eating
spaghetti.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Inappropriate_Kitten
>> Banana explosions <<
Art? Performance theatre? Viral marketing for a
banana manufacturer? All we know is that you,
yes you, need to see this clip. You'll feel
stupider for it.
http://williamlamson.com/#/work/video_work/video/1
>> How wet can you get? <<
Possibly a contender for funny name corner,
this new toy for kids has a paedo-friendly
tagline that will make the very edges of your
mouth form into the smallest of smiles before
you click onto the next link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Mostly cocks, much like the B3ta staff
>> Koch Cancer Research <<
It's the cancer we most fear. Thank goodness
it's being dignified with the researchers'
attention it deserves.
http://www.jhu.edu/~gazette/2006/04dec06/04koch.ht...
>> Yoshie Takeshita <<
Cripes. We almost had a Pavlovian reaction when
her surname unexpectedly popped up on screen
during the Olympics volleyball.
http://snipurl.com/piccypicwoowoo [farm4_static_flickr_com]
>> The D stands for 'dick' <<
Poor old SunnyD. Wounded by the backlash
against their delicious artificial beverage
they're giving a big 'fuck you' to the world.
Just look at the outline of their logo...
http://www.thegillis.com/Sunny%20D%20logo.JPG
>> Phallic FFF <<
"I noticed my local chip shop is a member of
the Federation of Fish Friers," informs Matt
Woodwose. "Which is fine, except I'm not sure
how their logo is related to fish frying."
Indeed not - it's a big, hairy cock.
http://www.federationoffishfriers.co.uk/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Sad Challenge
Last week we wanted to see the saddest
picture in the world, ever.
Your favourites included:
* OVERHEARD - the saddest picture in the
world, ever (Kris Fucking Kristofferson)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8654546
* REFLECTION - the second saddest picture
in the world, ever (Zac McFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8647571
* BUNNY - the third saddest picture in the
world, ever (WiL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8661256
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sad/
>> New challenge: Robots in History <<
Images of the Hadrian's Wall-building
robot, medieval jousting engines, the
great Titanic sinking machine, showerbots
from WWII... Robots, in history. Do it
now! Challenge suggested by HappyToast
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/historyrobots/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* JOEL'S ALBUM WINNERS - Well done to Joel and
the Seven seconds of Love boys. 'Danger is
Dangerous' absolutely dominated Amazon's ska
sales chart and rolled up to number 99 in the
sales list of all music ever. Nice one! Eager
b3tards have been drafting limericks all week.
Kudos to Colonel Dracula, Empress BobFossil,
masakatsu and supersam11 - signed discs in the
post to you all. First prize has to go to ccc
for his profane cock-and-vicar-themed cycle of
five poems:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/216186
* CYRIAK'S BEARD IN AD - Longtime b3tard and
peculiar creative Cyriak recently noticed an
unlikely similarity between his little
animation of Charles Darwin's beard and a new
ad campaign for McDonalds. Take a look - seems
rather close for coincidence.
http://youthoughtwewouldntnotice.com/blog3/
* KETTLE vs. HOB vs. MICROWAVE - RobNob
suggests roping the trusty radioactive kitchen
helper into our ongoing 'best way to boil
water' debate. "I would do it myself," he
apologises, "But I don't have a microwave safe
thermometer (if such a thing exists)."
* WAR ON TERROR GIVEAWAY - The other weekend
saw Andy Sheerin and crew handing out loads of
free copies of their game outside the Virgi...
er, Zavvi on Tottenham Court Road. They were
actually games that Zavvi had ordered and paid
for but decided not to stock through fear of
controversy. Happy 'War on Terror' recipients
were then encouraged to take a trip through the
store and thank the staff.
http://www.waronterrortheboardgame.com/wotblog/ind...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Spin the 3D Objects
Here's a novel idea: rotate the object to find
the correct viewing angle to reveal the 2D
shape. It's all about perspective innit?
http://www.bobblebrook.com/games/coign-of-vantage
>> Win £5k for creating a flash game <<
Our tutorial stuff continues with "how to cheat
at graphics" where we reveal the secrets of the
Illuminati. Remember - it's a BIG FUCKING
PRIZE. Well £5k is better than jack-shit anyway.
http://www.e4.com/joystick/week-04.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BOOK A GARY GLITTER LOOKALIKE - trail him
round with a video camera and record people's
reactions. (We're not brave enough to do this
ourselves, but it would be dreadfully
interesting.)
http://www.splitting-images.com/gary_glitter.html
* LEGO WATERING CAN - will it hold water? Will
the plants die? Of lego poisoning?
* WORLD'S LONGEST PENCIL SHAVING - we can only
managed a few cm. Can you do better?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob "Pathetic Ginger
Syndrome" Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff
sent in by Darren S, PyroTyger, wizzard419.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlol via daoiale.
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TOP TIP:
Condoms with anaesthetic cream on the outside
can be worn inside-out so as to avoid
disturbing your sleeping partner. (Humpty
Dumpty was Pushed)
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SICKIPEDIA:
Jade Goody has cancer, and she claims that she
is worried that hair loss might ruin her looks.
Nice to see she hasn't lost her sense of humour.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
