NEWSLETTER: "ARMLESS MAN ENTERS WANKING COMPETITION AND COMES LAST"
This Week:
* QUESTION - Your Social Networking Gaffes...?
* BEARDS - What Do They Hide?
* RETRO NERDING - A Sinclair photo story
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "The Mobius function
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | of any sphenic
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| number is −1."
B3ta email 345 - 12 Sep 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue345/
:) [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Don't Panic love a good dongle.
If you do too, and can draw/illustrate/design
or paint, then please send us a poster vaguely
related to 3's new mobile broadband USB device.
Show us your creativity and your skills. The
best one will get £500, published on 80k A2
posters, posted around East London and
exhibited in a special Truman Brewery gallery
alongside work by Ben UFO, Sophie Kern, and
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http://tinyurl.com/57gvob
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Smearing themselves in poo as usual
>> Deep-fried creme egg <<
"I deep fried a Cadbury Creme Egg," crows
Whitedevil. "The verdict? Delicious, although I
gave myself a good scalding on searing
sugar-yolk." It does, however, look like a
battered turd covered in semen. And we should
know.
http://ericisgreat.com/deepfried/index2.html
>> Grey Bloke's net goes down <<
Madriot goes musical in this week's Grey Bloke.
Sums up all the stupid bewilderment you feel
when your web connection unexpectedly dies,
cutting short the routine of pleasant online
prevarication.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Grey_Bloke_goes_musical
>> Men with beards <<
What are they hiding? Kunt and The Gang fear
the very worst. The lovely tune aside, this is
worth it for the parade of beardy weirdies -
like upending a hairy horn of plenty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Large Hadron Collider-cam <<
"I helped set up these live webcams at the
LHC," claims an agitated Mutated Monty. "Well
worth keeping an eye on..."
http://www.cyriak.co.uk/lhc/lhc-webcams.html
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Customers From Hell
We wanted to refute that trite old phrase: the
customer is always right. Here are your stories
of the customer being wrong. Wrong in the head
mostly:
http://b3ta.com/questions/customersfromhell/
* RED CARD - "Yes, I was once a techie for PC
World. This was my favourite insane customer:
*BANG*. Banging fists on desk is never a good
start... "COME HERE IMMEDIATELY!" I look up
to see a man, very short, about 50, balding,
beardy - they're the worst. He's got his PC on
a trolley, with the monitor, cables and the
Sale of Goods Act printed out and highlighted.
"What seems to be the trouble, sir?" "THIS PC
YOU SOLD ME IS FAULTY!! I SPENT OVER 500 POUNDS
ON THIS!" (which made it probably the cheapest
one we sold at the time) "I HAVE DRIVEN 6 MILES
TO BRING THIS FUCKING SHIT IN!" "Please don't
swear at me sir, I will help you but I won't
be sworn at." "I'LL SAY WHATEVER I DAMN WELL
PLEASE." A small crowd had started to gather.
Security was down off his podium and ready to
press the panic buttons. I was shitting myself.
"Could you tell me the prob..." "THE RED CARDS
WON'T STAY ON THE RED CARDS." "Excuse me?"
"THE RED CARDS WON'T STAY ON THE BLOODY RED
CARDS!" Yes, he had printed out the entire
Sale of Goods act, unplugged his PC, put it in
his car, driven all the way, all because he didn't
know how to play fucking Solitaire. He was
still shouting when he left the store having
had the rules of Microsoft Solitaire explained
to him, and left the car park with his tyres
screeching." (Hedonist)
* YULETIDE LOG - "Word was spreading like wildfire
among the staff: 'There's was a woman on the shop
floor doing a poo!' I was part of a pack of
teenage Christmas workers at Marks & Spencer
in a Greater London shopping centre, busy stacking
shelves at the time. I simply had to investigate,
and trotted through to the food tills. There was
indeed a small melee around a till, where yes,
a woman was crouching over a green bucket, the
ones normally used for the flowers in the
horticultural dept. Red-faced, she'd hitched up
her skirt, and was coiling one out in full view
of a rather packed department store ten days
before Christmas. She didn't even look like a
weirdo. Quite posh in fact. She stood up and
handed the bucket to a male member of staff, and
said to the ashen-faced till girl... "I'm so
sorry. I'm pregnant." The bucket-holding M&S guy
said, "We do have customer toilets." To which
she replied, "I didn't want to lose my place in
the queue." (whitehorse)
* GM RICE - "A customer walked into the shop I
work at the other day and chucked a sellotaped
bag of rice onto my counter. "May I help madam?"
I say in my most polite voice. "Don't fucking
work" She mumbles grumpily. "I'm not sure I
understand," I respond, in a voice Stephen Fry
would be proud of. "Don't work do they? Didn't
cook!" I'm unsure exactly what this woman is
going on about but decide to press on. "Have
you tried boiling it?" (It was obvious and I
hoped I hadn't offended. Needless to say, I
hadn't.) "Don't be fucking stupid. Microwave
innit." I was now confused. She'd tried
microwaving the rice? She continues... "Just
went dry." "Well what were you expecting?" I
say, trying to not be too condescending.
"Popcorn..." (Foz)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your social networking gaffes:
http://b3ta.com/questions/socialnetworking/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Geeky photo story <<
Back in the days of yore, magazines for
teenage girls were packed with photo love
stories, a style that lives on to this day in
Viz and The Sun's Dear Deidre. Here's one such
example - the unlikely story of a girl who
loves the Sinclair Spectrum, and doesn't get
enough time on it at school. Not a joke
apparently; the script was written by Frank
Hopkinson of the well-known My Guy magazine.
http://snurl.com/yesclickthis [www_shardcore_org]
>> More cowbell! <<
Proving that every good joke is vastly improved
by some web 2.0 geeks taking it literally,
here's an online app that allows you to add
more cowbell to any MP3 of your choice.
Surprisingly funny, and anything with a
slideable Christopher Walken filter is an easy
win with us.
http://www.morecowbell.dj/listen
>> Madeleine countdown clock <<
Remember those crappy bits of JavaScript that
would count down to when it's legal to fwap
over pics of the Olsen Twins, Charlotte Church
or Emma Watson? We're groaning in a "even we
wouldn't do this" way that the idea has been
applied to poor Maddie. Incredulous rofls.
http://www.madeleinecountdown.com/
>> Bacon compendium <<
Collecting together every bacon project on the
web into some kind of ham-inspired baconpedia.
Hmmm, seeing as we're running old bacon
material... what about the one about not being
able to say "Beer Can" out loud without it
sounding like a Jamaican hungry for pork?
http://snurl.com/baconcunts [listsgalore_blogspot_com]
>> Zoom in on The Last Supper <<
Extremely detailed pic of the Leonardo
painting, as featured in the Da Vinci Code.
Useful for debunking Templar conspiracies and
an enlightening look at how crap Leonardo was
at prepping a wall for fresco. Can't be a
genius at everything, eh?
http://haltadefinizione.deagostini.it/en/
>> Naked doll people <<
Not safe for work, in that it's porny. Kinda
safe for work in that all the naughty bits
have been photoshopped into eerie, smooth
doll-parts. Not so safe enough for work that
you'd want to actually look at it at work
though.
http://ask-art.net/photo_1555642.html
>> One Sentence Stories <<
Exactly what it says: Stories (ostensibly true
stories), boiled down to the absolute bare
essentials. An enjoyable feast of short, pithy
reads. Why not submit yours?
http://www.onesentence.org/stories/popular/all/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Metallica + kittens = win
The lyrics to Enter Sandman rendered mostly
through lolcats. A stroke of genius.
http://snurl.com/kittenz [mfrost_typepad_com]
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Crappo TV-lols without the BBC Tax
>> Cliff Richard's Cradle of Filth <<
Footage of the Bachelor Boy cut to sync with a
rocked-up cover of his occult misogyny-themed
classic Devil Woman. Works well with Cliff's
bombastic stage moves. BTW: Are we the only
people to suspect that this guy recently came
out without actually coming out?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Pussy vs printer <<
Mild-mannered cat is unnerved by a laser
printer and starts bashing it. Worth it, for
his increasingly alarmed facial expression.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pussy_versus_Printer
>> At the end of the day <<
Spliced together from one episode of the Jeremy
Kyle Show... At the end of the day, the phrase
'at the end of the day' has started to wear a
bit thin. As one of the comments notes, if
someone says it, that's a good sign they're
talking bollocks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/At_the_end_of_the_day
>> Jesus is my friend <<
Ska in the name of the Lord. This is catchy,
weird and even oddly endearing after a while.
Best thing ever, in other words.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jesus_Is_My_Friend
>> Dog on a trampoline <<
You have to envy dogs their simple joie de
vivre. To be fair, this one seems to actually
want to eat the trampoline. But the bouncing
is funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Inappropriate children's slide <<
Inflatable playground slide shaped like a
giant penis - the children come out through
the Jap's Eye. Strangely mesmerising. Is this
some sort of performance art and we're not
getting it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Two fingers and three cocks
* TWO FINGERS TO GERMANY - from Dabei ab Zwei
(There at two) a TV news show. (Cheers to GTA)
http://www.mdr.de/dabei-ab-zwei/moderation/
* MORE COCKS - "I was visiting the website of
the Canadian Museum of Civilisation and was
very intrigued by the floorplan for Level 3."
Thanks Goatworrier.
http://www.civilization.ca/cmc/plan3eng.html
* SUCKLING COCK - "Found it on a snooker-table
in Stockholm. The manufacturer claims to have
links to 'Englang', but we believe this to be a
province in China," spots Lump.
http://snurl.com/penisonb3tablimeyhtt [smg_photobucket_com]
* HARD-ON ACCELERATOR - it was only a matter of
time before someone made this typo. Thanks
prestodigitator.
http://snurl.com/morecockslol [img76_imageshack_us]
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Extending Film Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show us what lies
out of the picture in famous film scenes.
Your favourites included:
* GUESS WHO? - the classic board game
infiltrates Tarantino's seminal swear-fest
(XLVII)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8711872
* CHEWIE - trust a wookie to start messing
around during moments of inter-galactic
gravitas (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8711159
* PETALS - American Beauty star Mena Suvari
copes with masturbating moggy with great aplomb
(WiL)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8711122
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmscenes/
>> New challenge: Thom Yorke <<
Radiohead's Thom Yorke is the nation's most
mysterious, charismatic pop star. He's also
devilishly handsome, and ripe for
photo-shopping. So that's the challenge.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/thomyorke/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* LITTLE PEOPLE IN THE CITY - "My FIRST BOOK
is out next week!" beams a delighted
Slinkachu. "You were the first site to really
feature my 'little people' project 2 years
back so i owe you a bit of a 'thank you'."
Yay! He also mentions his solo show in London
- the Cosh Gallery on Berwick Street.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/075222664...
* BEN GOLDACRE hasn't yet got round to
answering your interview questions. "Fucksake,
sorry man," he flustered, "I've got an
emergency court hearing tomorrow for my libel
case, if it's next week does that make me an
irredeemably inexecrable cunt?"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/000724019...
* MORE DEEP FRYING - thiswasmyclone chimes in
with: "In Edinburgh they also do battered
Creme Egg, Boost and Crunchie. The idea with
the Crunchie is that it absorbs more fat and
so can make you more Scottish (i.e. fat)."
Deep-fried Crunchie? Why not just go deep fry
a mattress?
Meanwhile, former chippy worker Ben Burton has
"spent a lot of time dicking about with the
fryers. Deep fried creme eggs are easy as piss
and awesome. You just need some good, thick,
cold batter and a pan that can do about 190
degrees with a good filtration unit. So don't
try it at home."
* RICK ASTLEY INTERVIEW - The Roll-meister
talks about what it's like to be the butt of
internet lols. He comes across quite well and
there's also a guide to the web's finest
Rickrolls, if that's your bag.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2008/sep/06/rick.a...
* TOO MANY COCKS don't spoil the breath, claims
TDub. "They may just save your life. In the
Dutch study (Koelman, Coumans, Nijman,
Doxiadis, Dekker & Claas, 2000) the researchers
found... a surprisingly strong correlation
between a diminished incidence of pre-eclampsia
and a woman's practice of oral sex, and noted
that the protective effects were strongest if
she swallowed her partner's semen...
"There is a rumour in academic circles that the
subjects in the Dutch study were prostitutes in
Amsterdam. I don't know if that's true."
References: Koelman CA, Coumans AB, Nijman HW,
Doxiadis II, Dekker GA, Claas FH (2000).
Correlation between oral sex and a low
incidence of preeclampsia: a role for soluble
HLA in seminal fluid?. 'Journal of Reproductive
Immunology. 46' (2), 155–66.
* BIG STRIDES - "Way back in newsletter 150 you
linked to an animated music video I did for the
band I kinda manage (Big Strides)," chirrups
Alistair. "In the meantime we've gone off and
got big in Japan and have made a new video
about the hellish joy that drunken slags bring
to the centre of Cardiff most Saturday nights."
Enjoy!
http://www.vimeo.com/1586612
* SUPERHEROES OF SCIENCE - "Hello," flutes
intercontinentalmusiclab. "We've recorded an
international collaborative album about
Scientists including songs about: James C Lily,
James Chadwick, Galileo and Dr Robotnik. I
think you'll agree its a logical progression.
I'm secretly hoping that the Dr Robotnik track
will end up being bastardised for YouTube Poop
purposes. Anyway, we're giving the whole album
away for free so help yourself." It's in
slightly frightening .zip format, is the only
downside.
http://superheroesofscience.blogspot.com
* BA-DUM TSCHHHH - Sleeping Stars writes,
"After reading your joke about female jews and
their numbers, me and my friend didn't
understand the joke. So i looked at him and he
said 'What? I don't know! It's not like jews
have their numbers branded to their arms or
anything!'
"Then we realised."
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: FRIDAY GAME
Word fragments game
You have to reassemble a list of words that
have been split in half. A lot harder than it
sounds. Should comfortable kill a couple of
hours.
http://www.boomj.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* GOOGLE IMAGES GAME - Muttley writesm "I found
a new game. Use the image search to find the
dodgiest images you can from the safest word.
Trust me that 'group' is a very very bad word
for Google." BTW: You'll need safe search
turned off, but then we imagine all our readers
will have done that already.
* HOW OLD DOES MADONNA LOOK? - lots of photos
of Madonna at different ages and you have to
guess which ones are older. She's 50, and we
reckon doesn't look a day over 48.
* WOULD DANIELLE LLOYD/CHANTELLE /CHANELLE
SLEEP WITH YOU QUIZ? Are you ethnic (coz Dan is
NOT a racist of course)? Do you have a record
out? Are you a footballer? Do you earn over
100k? Calculate your odds.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Slippydisco, t0ria,
chuff monkey. Top Tippery by YOUR MUM.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Woo
to b4ta. Subjlos via Puromycin. If you read the
credits then you smell of lady eggs.
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SICKIPEDIA:
So, Sting can delay his climax for seven hours.
Big deal. I've been banging my missus for forty
years and she's not had an orgasm yet.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
