NEWSLETTER: "INVESTING IN SPERM BANKS THREE TIMES A DAY"
This Week:
* SEXY - Joel struts his funky stuff
* CUTE - Tiny baby deer
* CLEVER - Take On Me literal vid
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're sniffing the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| seat... together"
B3ta email 349 - 10 Oct 2008
Web 1.0 version available, cyber stylee
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue349/
Cocks: [email protected]
Vag: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Flight of the Conchords vs. Amnesty
Flight of the Conchords' Kristen Schaal defends
the good of the many over the one and gets
gushy at the Secret Policeman’s Ball
http://tinyurl.com/42kesy
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Racism, Naked Joel, Blog stuff and geeky vid
>> Joel Veitch struts his sex moves <<
If you've perhaps been wondering what it would
be like to be ravished by the kitten-loving web
boffin, speculate no more. A scantily-clad
Veitch cavorts for the approval of the
'Sex-Factor' judges. Not for those of a weak or
nervous disposition.
http://www.rathergood.com/sex_factor/
>> The pain of shared living <<
Self-styled "pathetic white-collar mediocrity"
Buck Frain rants about the eleven shit things
that make a shared house a living hell. He's
unnecessarily confining himself to such a short
list though - house sharing is a comedy furrow
you can plough for years.
http://buckfrain.wordpress.com
>> Progress bars <<
Goodiebag Kirby gives his take on why life
needs more progress bars and less spinny
wheel-like things such as watches and beach
balls. He makes a convincing point.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/11_progress_bars....
>> Catchy, racist song <<
Fuck knows what to make of this vid from CCC.
It had us tapping our feet vaguely in time with
its very politically-unsound message. Also
scratching our heads at how Galactus is
a spastic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_way_of_the_way_of_th...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Must send newsletter - truncated section. Soz.
* NICEST THING
Last week we asked "What's the nicest thing
anyone's done for you?" Unfortunately, the
tears of joy brought forth by reading your
lovely tales of heart-warming, selfless acts
have prevented us from writing it up. But it's
all here for you to enjoy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/nicethings/
* DREADFUL CHILDREN
This week, in a return to misanthropic form,
we'd like to know who's the biggest spoilt brat
you know? Have their annoying ways caught up
with them? Have you strangled them? Whisper
your tales in Uncle b3ta's ear here:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/spoiltbrats/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> DJ quits on air <<
Florida DJ storms out of the studio after
learning his contract won't be renewed. But not
before telling off the monster that is
corporate radio, all of his bosses, everyone.
http://www.allaccess.com/assets/mp3/Steppout.mp3
>> Unexpected French maid <<
Slightly kinky fancy dress costume... yay. But
what's this in the user review section - and a
photo too? Oy vey.
http://snurl.com/sexyyeah [www_buycostumes_com]
>> Big Lego Mario <<
Clever nerd uses 3D scanner and software to
make a giant Lego replica of a Mario action
figure. Please insert knob gag according to
taste.
http://forums.luxology.com/discussion/topic.aspx
>> Ladies love ball sweat <<
It's a truth universally acknowledged that the
ladies like nothing more than sexy male
pheromones. Thus leading to these young hopefuls
debating the merits of wearing a plastic bag
on your bollocks, catching ball sweat to splash
all over on your big night out.
http://pherolibrary.com/forum/showthread.php
>> Don't drink and email <<
A tool to prevent drunkenly sending messages
you later regret. Google Mail Goggles activates
late at night when you're most likely to be
hammered and makes you do a couple of simple
maths problems to assess whether you're sober
enough to be in charge of a keyboard. Woo.
Now we want a mobile with built-in breathalyser
for full safety.
http://snurl.com/twatfilter [gmailblog_blogspot_com]
>> 20 questions guesser <<
Magical genie deduces what character you're
thinking of through a series of questions. Dave
cleverly stumped it by only thinking of
characters from obscure 1980s comics. Like he
ever thinks of anything else.
http://www.devinettor.com/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Little deer
The tiniest, most adorablest baby fawn in the
whole world, born by at Tiggywinkles Wildlife
Hospital. What is there not to coo over?
http://snurl.com/dearyme [www_bestweekever_tv]
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: MAKE AN ADVERT AND WIN A GRAND
Sponsored linky woo
CurrentTV want you to make an advert for the
Playstation game Resistance 2. There's ONE
THOUSAND POUNDS up for the winner, a games
console and your video will be shown on
television.
http://www.current.com/resistance2
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but with a more confusing remote
>> Take On Me - literal video <<
Funniest thing we've seen for a while - taking
the classic 80s A-ha tune and singing the
video. This is an idea which will run and run -
who wants to do Wild Boys? Or that one with
Take That and a load of arse-jelly.
http://www.videosift.com/video/Take-on-Me-Literal-...
>> Coolest customer <<
If we ever get the chance to win £1m on a TV
show I doubt we'd take the moment as coolly as
this - the very definition of geek-confidence.
http://snurl.com/inourdreams [www_b3ta_com]
>> Machines that almost fall over <<
Rickety-looking wood-and-hammer constructions
that forever teeter on the edge of toppling
to the ground. Quite hypnotic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Machines_that_almost_fal...
>> Horrid Windex ads <<
Peculiar series of spoof ad spots extolling
the unique properties of the popular
household cleaner. "Windex - it cleans good
because it's poison!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Windex_commercials
>> When cats attack <<
A new name in suspense, as a prowling cat
looms ever closer to the hapless cameraman.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
Still bored? Try...
http://www.youtractor.com/
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Cocks, semen and bad advertising layout
* WANKY SHIT DEMON - "it's meant to be a cute
little plush cinnamon bun, but I thought it
looked more like a pile of poo with jizz all
over it." (theuntitledproject)
http://shanalogic.com/item.php
* JUXTAPOSITION LOLS - Someone is going to be
sacked over this.
http://snurl.com/advertisingerror [4_bp_blogspot_com]
* A WARM FRONT - Weatherman with cloud / cock
gfx confusion. (shamblinthru)
http://www.boners.com/grub/806457.html
* I TATTOOED A COCK ON MY ARM - What a tool.
(feanor6288)
http://bbs.jimmyeatworld.com/showthread.php#post426685
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: SCAMS OF THE WEEK?
Cash for kittens
>> I need a cat?! <<
Hoping to cash in on internet millions this
week is "I need a cat" which purports to be a
request for money to buy a kitten. Wonder if
they'll make more than $5?
http://www.ineedacat.com/
>> Buy my cat a sex-change <<
And secondly - poor Bubba is a transgendered
feline, at least according to his worried human
'mom'. She knows this because a psychic told
her so. Please send money so Bubba gets the
gender reassignment surgery (s)he so desperately
needs.
http://helpbubba.synthasite.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Tony Hart Challenge
Last week we wanted you to cheer up b3ta hero
Tony Hart.
Your favourites included:
* SALUTE - morphing Morph (Agent Muu)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8809939
* ART CLUB - there are only three rules
of Art Club (SqueakyG)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8799267
* SINCERE - a simple piece that sums up
what we all feel (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8799659
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/tonyhart/
>> New challenge: Save the Economy <<
As economies collapse and billion-dollar rescue
packages are handed out like sweets at a kid's
birthday party, it's up to b3ta to restore
faith in the nation's banking. Create those
adverts.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/savebanking/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BANANA WORM REVENGE - concurrency writes, "I
mentioned the spaghetti worms in bananas (food
sabotage QOTW) trick to my big-and-clever Mrs,
who chastised me for being silly and immature
(she's so insightful) and that it would appeal
to a five-year old. Yesterday I unpeeled a
banana for my lunch at work and in revulsion
found it had worms in - so not only had my wife
chastised my immaturity, she scored extra win
by then fooling me with it - I felt sick even
knowing what it was. If you haven't tried it,
it really does look grim, even more so when your
Mrs has a packet of buckwheat noodles to hand."
* USB BARBIE REDUX - old school b3tards will
remember the USB Barbie a boarder made -
basically sawing off her head and shoving a
thumbdrive inside her. This similar mod brings
her glowing eyes. What next?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/234049
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: FRIDAY GAME
The eyeballing game
Think you're a man? Think you know a right
angle when you see one? Put your geek skills to
the test in this acute challenge of obtuse
geometry.
http://woodgears.ca/eyeball/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BACKWARDS PRODUCT NAMES - Evian = naive,
Trebor = Robert, have you got any other
interesting ones?
* DUMMIES GUIDE TO SHOPLIFTING - with the crap
economy we need some help.
* DOG SHIT CATCHERS ON YOUR SHOES - like a cow
catcher on a train. Fling the turd to onside as
you pass. Also ideal for disposing of dead
birds and mice without getting your hands
covered in gore.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by AFish,
gennie giricny, daniel swift, randall bart,
jmarra, ifonlyicouldmarrygeorgedawes and some
cunt called barry. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Headlinelols by Puromycin
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TOP TIP:
To keep from crying when you cut onions: chop
with your eyes closed. Duh. (celestie
d'etoile)
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SICKIPEDIA:
I'd just like to thank all those people who
have taken the time to put lovely bouquets of
flowers by the side of the road. It really
brightens up my drive to work.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
And in stranger news - Sickipedia, now approved
by Microsoft.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/2928171551/
