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This Week:
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Cheer up Tony Hart
* BANKING - LloydsHalifaxTrusteeSavingsBankofScotland
* WEEBL - Cat Face returns and poos everywhere

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 348 - 3 Oct 2008

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  Comedy podcasts

  Amnesty's famous Secret Policeman’s Ball is
  back on Saturday 4th October!  Go to our site
  for exclusive podcasts from the likes of Robin
  Ince and David Baddiel. See it live at a cinema
  near you and go backstage with our live blogger.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Stuff, nonsense and pillockry
  >> LloydsHalifaxTrusteeSavingsBankofScotland <<
  LloydsTSB/HBOS's new site is up and running, we
  see. "Howard is back," chirps mischievous
  Smurph, "And he seems to be having issues with
  the Lloyds horse."

  >> Star Wars remastered scene <<
  The Force is strong with young Monty Props, who
  has massively improved this classic scene from
  Empire Strikes Back. Look out! It's a trap!

  >> Happy birthday <<
  "We made this jolly greeting for an ecards
  thing," brag an enthusiastic Rob and Dave.
  "Unfortunately, the client didn't feel that
  jokes about anal buggery were quite the thing
  for the target audience. However, we hope
  you'll love it and give it a place in your

  >> Cat face shits <<
  "Cat Face needs to do a toilet," implores Jonti
  Picking, and apparently he's going to do it
  now, all over your internet.


  What should they ask the stars?

  A couple of the Ball team will be in the thick
  of it, stuffing their camera and microphone
  right in shiny celebrities’ faces. What would
  you like them to say on your behalf? Graham
  Norton, Izzard, Mitchell & Webb and even Gok
  Wan are there to answer your questions.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Recession Blocker <<
  Tired of reading all the doom and gloom of the
  credit crunch. Keep your own consumer
  confidence high with this handy site, which
  acts as a filter, blocking any crash-related
  words from appearing. Ignorance is bliss, after

  >> Optical illusions illustrated <<
  Excellent use of flash on this interesting blog
  that demonstrates a variety of optical

  >> Magazine says politicians = dogs? <<
  Nice find - Nature magazine back cover weirdly
  mirrors the front.

  >> Google 2001 <<
  Ye olde version of internet search shows the
  internet as it used to be. B3ta gets 104 links,
  entirely through hacker 1337 5p33k.

  >> Cow Lady runs wild <<
  Drunken woman terrorises her neighbourhood
  while dressed as a cow. We could say that it's
  udderly ridiculous. Oh god, we have.

  >> The 'Silent Duck' <<
  Ah, the images that you find on wikipedia. This
  hand gesture is a treat, particularly when you
  read about the context when it's, apparently,


  Harry Hill! We've done your research! Now pay us!

  >> Sliding cats <<
  Ah magical Chariots of Fire theme, such is your
  power you can lend dignity to anything. Even
  cats falling on their arses on a
  highly-polished floor. Even that.

  >> Miss Piggy: Fuck the Pain Away <<
  Muppet diva covers the Peaches classic. Well
  ok, it's a redub. Still it's a win.

  >> "How is babby formed?" <<
  Yahoo Answers is a repository of mankind's
  collected wisdom. This animation briefly shows
  some of the brains behind such classic threads
  as "How is babby formed?" Seems to get funnier
  each time it loops.

  >> Dildo shown on news <<
  Perfect comic timing as the reporter remains
  blissfully unaware of the enormous wobbling
  dildo being carried out of the house behind his

  >> Star Trek 'outtakes' <<
  Clips from Trek with peculiar and surreal
  dialogue dubbed on to synch with the lip
  movements. Very odd.

  >> The Assumption Song <<
  Animated video on the classic theme of
  frustrating your expectations of a dirty rhyme.
  Also, damn you Newgrounds, why you gotta make-a
  us open a new window every time, eh? Whassa
  matter with you?


  Sexual Misconceptions

  Last week we asked for all the things you'd
  misunderstood about sex. Luckily, Chart Cat's
  story of accidental felching is too long for
  this newsletter, but you can read it here:

  * FONDLY FONDUE DO - "When I was younger, my
  parents used to throw a huge costume party
  about once a year. A hundred or so of their
  friends dressed in ridiculous outfits would
  invade the house, while all the kids were shut
  in a bedroom to watch videos and get utterly
  buzzed on soft drinks. When I was about nine or
  ten, the APs were discussing the theme for
  their next bash. I'd been reading Asterix in
  Switzerland. This featured a Roman official who
  periodically throws large parties for all his
  Roman buddies, except they aren't called
  parties - they're called orgies. Of course,
  since Asterix is a book for kiddies, these
  'orgies' don't actually feature any sex - just
  drinking and music and, because it's set in
  Switzerland, fondue. My parents owned a fondue
  set! So, armed with my misconception, I walked
  up to my parents and suggested that for their
  next party they could invite all their friends
  over for an orgy. It was another six years
  before I figured out why they both went bright
  crimson and stifled laughs. I didn't get it at
  the time. After all, who doesn't love fondue?"
  * BLOODY BABIES - "When I was but a wee lad I
  assumed that whenever a lady hurt herself and
  screamed in pain, a baby came out. I don't
  think this is completely screwy logic - I'd
  seen women giving birth in soap operas and I
  concluded that pain = childbirth, not the other
  way around. One afternoon my Mum fell down the
  stairs picking me up from infant school. I came
  out of class to see her in a heap at the bottom
  of the stairs, screaming in pain, rather
  bloodied up and surrounded by people. My
  response? 'Noooo! I don't want another
  brother!'" (badongism)
  * SECRET SCRUBBER - "I was 12 or so when my
  best friend told me that it was the sensation
  of a woman's pubes rubbing against your cock
  that made you jizz. And that's why I spent at
  least an hour sitting in the bathroom rubbing
  my bell-end raw with a toothbrush. It didn't
  work. To my eternal shame, it was my sister's
  toothbrush... which I guiltlessly placed back
  on the sink after giving up." (DickieDoesDallas)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like to hear about the nicest things that
  people have ever done with you. Talk to us here:


  Recycling jokes before it was fashionable

  >> Metal cockage <<
  Unfortunately-placed artwork on the side of a
  van. Quick "hee hee looks like a willy"
  photography by Pter. Well spotted!

  >> Sausagey cockage <<
  Poor sausage vendors; what they're selling
  looks enough like a knob. There's no need to
  ram the point home quite so enthusiastically
  with the logo, is there? Cheers son_of_crazymum.


  Results from the Retro Sci-Fi Challenge

  Last week we wanted yo to make the future 
  into the past.

  Your favourites included:
  * RE-TRON - it's difficult to imagine
    a Penny Farthing coping with those 
    right-angle corners (The Great Architect)

  * AMERICAN GOTHIC - updated with added 
    Darth Maul (prodigy69)

  * TURNER - rare work from the romantic 
    English landscapist. With bonus AT-ATs 

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Cheer Up Tony Hart <<
  The great Tony Hart has had to give up 
  drawing after two strokes, poor chap. 
  Let's cheer him up with a "Gallery"-themed 
  compo. Challenge suggested by Parmesan.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * GOOGLE SEARCH GAME - Major props to Owen
  Sanity who points out "The phrase 'Safe Search'
  really isn't."

  * MOVIE DURATIONS as a function of time. A
  while back we asked "are films getting longer?"
  Jodrell has applied computer science to the
  problem, analysing enormous amounts of data
  from the IMDB. The answer, in short, is "yes".
  Here are some graphs:

  * WIKIPEDIA SABOTAGE by godspants made it into
  the hallowed pages of Private Eye. You may
  recall he hoodwinked the Daily Mirror's sports
  journalist with spurious facts about Cypriot
  football team Omonia Nicosia. As the Eye notes,
  according to the rules of wikipedia these are
  now true, having been published in a verifiable

  * SELLOTAPE CONDOMS - "made me remember that
  'Durex' used to be a generic term for sticky
  tape in Australia," confides beetlehead. "A
  factoid that always makes me smile."

  * GINGER CATS are not all male, according to
  griff220. "I have a female cat who is ALL
  ginger," he protests, "with not even a spot of
  white on her let alone her legs. Yes she is a
  freak, but she fits in so we keep her. She's
  called Wilma and is 17. Bye." Hmm.

  * SAMARITANS PEEPS have been in touch about our
  newsletter title "Phoning Samaritans and saying
  'Talk dirty or I'll kill myself'". 

  "As the Head Outreach bod of an unnamed branch
  of the Samaritans in the South West (the bit
  between Cornwall and Zomerzet), I'd like to
  correct your assumptions in the title line of
  your otherwise excellent newsyletter.

  1) All sex calls are ended immediately (by us,
  you dirty f*ckers!).

  2) We don't stop people from committing
  suicide. Not even if you're in the process
  while on the phone (and it happens).

  Self determination is and always has been one
  of the major policies of the Samaritans. So
  funny as the suggestion is (and believe me, no
  one has ever tried saying that before!), it is
  also utterly wrong."

  We stand very well corrected. Ta.

  * 1996 BIG MAC - gronkpan chimes in with
  "McDonalds really do use a fuckload of
  preservatives. When I was fresh out of school I
  shared a flat with a guy that had been working
  there for a few years, and had put a burger bun
  on top of the fridge during his first week

  "When he quit it was three years old and he
  brought it home to show off. It was a little
  bit stale (just on the outside, the middle of
  the bun was still soft) but other than that it
  seemed fresh. There wasn't a speck of mould on
  it. We fed it to some seagulls who gobbled it

  "That being said, the lady in the article you
  posted makes some pretty wild claims. There's
  plenty of food value (too much if anything) and
  I'm pretty sure Mcdonalds aren't cloning
  hamburgers." Ah more fool you, dear gronkpan.
  For you will be FIRST AGAINST THE WALL when
  their mighty CLONED BURGER ARMY rises to crush
  the world of man. Oh yes. 


  The return of...

  "Why no weekly game for the last few weeks?"
  implores stripeertw. "I live for the weekly
  game. Please don't expect me to get through my
  week to finally arrive at a Friday, getting
  home to find my weekly game fix is just not
  there." Thank goodness that this week Niklas
  has sent us something nice. Swing the wrecking
  ball to fend off hostile blue squares. Fucking
  blue squares. Always looking to start
  something, aren't they?



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include
  Mail AND look at porn - double win. Really, the
  website is stuffed with soft porn. Today alone,
  we have Lily Cole in Playboy, a shot of Liz
  Hurley's crotch and Kelly Brook in a
  "tight-fitting fishtail skirt suit and
  Christian Louboutin heels."

  * SHITTING CHALLENGE - phantomjack asks, "My
  mate Kev ate two $2 coins for a laugh and they
  are still in the bottom of the toilet bowl - a
  tarnished black colour. What could the B3tans
  eat and shit back out?"

  * GUN CHALLENGE - stripeertw suggests,
  "Airports, upon being asked 'anything to
  declare?' I dare someone say 'Nothing too
  dangerous, just these' and present both hands
  in a gun shape and then make a 'pew pew
  pew"'noise to go with it. A final flourish of
  blowing smoke from the ends of the fingers
  would finish it off perfectly.'
  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Credits are short because we're rubbish.
  Subjlol via Jeccy.

  My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get
  rid of her love handles. I said she would look
  fucking stupid without any ears.

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