NEWSLETTER: "HITTING YOUR INBOX FOR MERELY A SECOND BEFORE BEING FORWARDED TO OFCOM"
This Week:
* BOOK (sort of) - I Spot Internet Humour
* VIDEO - 2 Pumpkins 1 Veitch
* SONG - Let's Talk About Sachs Baby
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta twitter update 353 - 07 Nov 2008
Rub this issue on your cock (or tits):
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue353/
Subs: [email protected]
Quiznos: [email protected]
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lots and lots of brilliant things. Promise
>> I Spot Internet Humour <<
Your newsletter team of Rob and Dave have been
hard at work writing crap jokes and drawing the
fifty best web memes according, well, to us. As
is the nature of lists, undoubtedly you'll
disagree and ask, "Where's Tub Girl?" And our
answer? "We haven't seen your mum since she last
gave us a biscuit."
http://www.e4.com/wtf/internet-humour/index.html
>> 2 pumpkins 1 cup <<
With a sense of timing like Helen Keller
playing the drums, Joel Veitch brings you your
chance to celebrate Halloween nearly a year
early. We wouldn't have run this but it's
actually quite disgusting and rather funny.
Much like Joel's micro-penis.
http://rathergood.com/2pumpkins1cup/
>> Andrew Sachs song <<
"Dear b3ta," trills Giant_Squid, "I think it
would be tantamount to criminal if this song,
by b3ta member 'housed' about Andrew Sachs and
the obscene phone calls concerning his
granddaughter, did not make next week's
newsletter. I've just listened to it three
times in succession - bottled genius, I tell
you."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sachs_Revenge
>> Channel Five documentary generator <<
Our favourite C5 title? "Was Hitler Gay?" - the
show itself, 45 minutes of people going,
"Probably not, there's not much evidence for
it" lacked somewhat. Quin Parker is on a
similar tip here, and gosh those C5
commissioning guys are going to feel so bloody
satirised that they'll blink nervously and
start playing with the calendar on their
iPhones. Or not.
http://quinparker.com/channel-five/
>> Ewan McGregor's rubbish mate <<
Famous people often have a crap side-kick.
They're there because they can't sort out their
own lives and the celeb needs the company /
someone to carry their bags. B3tard BIG FACE
has been on the case with that guy who was in
the Sky show with Ewan and a motorbike.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ewan_and_Thingy_Pulling_...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Eccentrics
Last week we asked you to tell us about the
nutty behaviour of the people you know:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/
* WHO'S THE NUTTIEST? In a story that twists
like the Douglas Adam's anecdote with the
biscuits at the service station comes Woofie
and his 'sunglasses on the train' spot.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/post29127...
* ELECTRIC GRANDAD - "He went to a charity
shop, purchased some electric blankets...and
has sewn an outfit from them. Trousers and
jacket! He simply wanders about his house and
garden, plugged into the mains by means of a
large extension cord. Often in the garden, he's
on his mini tractor, still plugged in."
(Completely Underwhelmed)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/post29420...
* MY FRIENDS MUM HAS ALZHEIMERS - "We always
took carrots, because she liked to give them to
horses in the field next door. They'd come over
and she would stand, gobsmacked as the horses
literally took the carrots from the palm of her
hand.
"One day whilst this was happening, a van
pulled up, and the driver asked me for some
directions. As I was explaining, my friend's
mum came over and stood next to me staring at
the driver. She watched him intently, then
reached in her little bag and held out her
palm, with a carrot resting on top, right under
the van drivers nose. He looked confused. He
looked at me and raised his eyebrows.
"My friend's mum got annoyed and shoved the
carrot forcefully right into his mouth.
"We've never laughed so hard in our lives.
Terrible really." (I have run out of coke )
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/post29138...
>> This Week's Question <<
After four months of nagging we had a moment of
weakness and allowed ScaryDuck to do his "stuff
I've found" question.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/found/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by people
who occasionally email us
>> Rescue cats! <<
Another week, another way of using Google to
find photos of cats. This week it's cats being
rescued by firemen. Next week? Cats rubbing
their kitty-nipples until they spunk milk.
http://funpresident.com/
>> C-C-C-C-Combo breaker! <<
Phrase used on messageboards to 'break' a
spate of duplicate or themed posts. eg.
poster 1: Where's that askjeeves site?
p2: google it
p3: google it
p4: google it
p5: C-C-C-C-Combo breaker!
And where do you think this might be used this week?
http://snurl.com/clickitandfindout [i205_photobucket_com]
>> Single man scribbles on his walls <<
Men! Save money on decorating your bachelor pad
simply by drawing on your walls with a
felt-tip. We'd be trying this now except when
our missus got home she'd immediately phone a
local decorator and present us with the bill.
http://snurl.com/penisfun [www_heraldleaderphoto_com]
>> Argos Catalogue USSR <<
Three facts about Russia:
1. The USSR disbanded in 1991, the same year
Color Me Badd had a number 1 hit with "I Wanna
Sex You Up"
2. "Russians Love Their Children Too" is known
in paedophile circles as 'The Sting Defence'
3. The Soviet Argos fucking well rocked:
http://englishrussia.com/#more-2104
>> AC/DC Excel Video viral marketing bollocks <<
We knew if we waited long enough that ASCII
videos would become fashionable again. Wonder
if Guns'n'Roses want our ideas for launching
their new album with some exciting Word clip
art?
http://www.acdcrocks.com/excel/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Unusual animal friendships
There are many pairings in life that are simply wrong:
* Mayonnaise and butter on a sandwich - you
don't need two types of fat, you fatty.
* Socks and sandals - although new rave kids
probably do this now. Whilst wearing glasses
last seen on Timmy Mallet. FFS.
* Kittens and budgies - look, see:
http://www.secondose.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/1...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like that shitty bit on Sky News that's all fuzzy
* LOOK AT THIS AND GO TO JAIL - we're seriously
wondering if this counts as kiddy porn.
Whatever it is, you really don't want to see
this. Absolutely not. NSFW.
http://www.totallycrap.com/videos/videos_worst_job...
* FAN SINGS JOHN WILLIAMS - Everyone knows this
man's tunes, but only film nerds bother
remembering his name. John Williams is not
Serena and Venus's dad, but the bloke who wrote
the themes for Star Wars, Indiana Jones and
Superman.
http://b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_to_the_tunes_of_Jo...
* HEART OF COGS - art and engineering meet in
this eloquent metaphor for a man's soul: my
heart is complex, geeky and quite beautiful but
a bugger to fix if you break it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Geared_Heart
* CAT IN A BOTTLE - the trick of getting a ship
into a bottle is putting it in a bit at a time
with long tweezers and being very, very
patient. Which is almost exactly unlike this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* GEORGE FORMBY GRILL - props to the team at
Popmash who are still turning out amusing and
nicely drawn work.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/George_Forby_Grill
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Please, somebody, send us some lithium
* BEST EMAIL COCK-UP EVER - Council sends road
sign for translation and... well, we won't
spoil the joke.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/7702913.stm
* KIDS LOVE BLOWING COCKS - we assume they use
the soap to wash away the sin.
http://snurl.com/satans_children [www_spilsbury_com]
* MAPLE SYRUP OMG - to get sap out of a tree
you bleed it with a tap, but in this logo it
doesn't half look like a dripping cock.
http://snurl.com/quibblemydribble [failblog_files_wordpress_com]
* MATCHMAKER COOKIES - now with cool minty
black cocks. An ideal aperitif for an election
night celebration.
http://snurl.com/wevotedmccain [i236_photobucket_com]
* BEAVER CLEANING - Darfbozo writes, "Spotted a
van outside my house last week, was too dark to
take a decent photo, but looked him up on the
interweb. Take a look at his company name, then
the review at the bottom from my
hastily-conjured 'Mrs V Gina'."
http://snurl.com/donotvandaliseok [www_citylocal_co_uk]
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the US Election Challenge
Last week we wanted to mock the American
Presidential race.
Your favourites included:
* MADNESS - John McCain out-nutties the nutty
boys (TheCastrator)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8885400
* SPIDERPALIN - Homer plays tribute to the
psychotic hockey mum (badg3r)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8888100
* IMPEACH - Bill Clinton ponders on the
ejaculate-splashed unfairness of it all (Holly
Would)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8885263
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/election/
>> New challenge: Macho Products <<
In tribute to X Factor star Sinitta still
fitting into her So Macho outfit 23 years on,
we want the manly products. Stuff that Andy
McNabb and Chuck Norris would buy.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/macho/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SHORT-TERM MEMORY ERRORS, Olembe (amongst
others) wrote in to crow, "Hoorah: a chance to
wave my PhD around!
"The short-term memory game featured in the
newsletter will generally allow you to remember
more than 7 items* as it used pictures of real,
concrete objects. Pictures of real objects are
particularly easy to remember. Thanks to a chap
called Al Paivio, we know when you try to
remember a picture of, say, a black kitten, you
create two memories: a memory of the picture
you saw AND a memory of the words that popped
into your head when you saw the picture ('Oh, a
black kitten'). So because you've got a memory
of the picture AND a memory of the words,
you're more likely to remember a picture of a
kitten than if you just heard the word 'kitten'.
"Cool fact: Alan Paivio was a championship
bodybuilder before becoming a psychologist.
Look him up on Google images and you'll see him
in action. How many other disciplines can boast
a researcher who can come up with a top theory
AND kick physicists' heads in?
"* Actually the theory is 7 ± 2 items, rather
than 7."
* ALL 80s NUMBER 1s INTROS IN ONE MP3 - we
challenged you, dear readers, to glue this
together so that we could listen to it. Props
to Fonz for giving it a go - and what a head
trip it is. Other members tried a video
version, but for our money having to guess the
titles is much more fun.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/80s_Number_1_intros
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: FRIDAY GAME
Stock market game
Best idea we've seen for a while - takes
snapshots of real sharetrading prices from
history and you click buy or sell. That we lost
$70k in 5 minutes suggest that we're best
staying well away from the real thing. Genius
stuff.
http://www.inspectd.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* RETRO ARGOS CATALOGUES, we saw some Russian
stuff earlier, but we'd love to see what Argos
was flogging in the 70s or 80s. Are there any
hoarders with an OCD attitude to scanning out
there?
* WORLD'S LONGEST FIREMAN'S POLE - just
wondering how long could you make one? Or would
your rate of descent get too dangerous?
* PUB-STYLE PEANUT BUTTER - Would a packet of
KP into a blender make something you could
spread on toast?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob "air quotes"
Manuel with David (brackets) Stevenson. Stuff
sent in by Felchman, reject_jon & robneymcplum.
Top Tippery by Digeridude. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. And so is his wife.
Subjline from Captain Wow.
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TOP TIP:
Four out of five holes in your head are the
exact same shape and size as your finger. This
is not a coincidence.
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SICKIPEDIA:
A very common male fantasy is to have two women
at the same time. One to cook, one to clean.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
