NEWSLETTER: "THURSDAY CANCELLED DUE TO RECESSION"
This Week:
* ARTY BOLLOCKS - If albums were paperbacks
* QUESTION - Your shitty nightclub experiences
* PHOTOS - Dead people & girls dressed as Daleks
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're shunning
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| success... together"
B3ta email 373 - 9 Apr 2009
Print this out in near letter quality:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue373/
Friends: [email protected]
Bastards: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
You make the movies
The Industry Trust invites you to recreate an
Iconic Movie moment and win a trip to Orlando.
So; state you might need a bigger fishing
vessel; chew the fat about French cheeseburgers
or bring a knife to a gun fight.
Just prepare yourself for the resulting racial
slur. Enter your opus here
http://tinyurl.com/d7lpof
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
We have the secrets of levitation. Talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Headlines are for girls
>> If albums were paperbacks <<
"Hello Guardian Reading Middle-class media
rebel types!" sneers LittlePixel, "I've
embarked on remaking a set of classic record
sleeves, as if Joe Stalin had won the Cold War
and all popular beat combo releases were
expressed in the form of modernist paperbacks
like the penguin books in the sixties. Maybe
you'll like them? - they're probably the
records you listened to in your pot-noodle
eating student waster days so there's easily as
much nostalgia as a video of someone wanking to
the sound of a ZX loader." Yes yes dearie,
we'll indulge your rambling fantasy world as
they actually look really good.
http://snurl.com/bookemdanno
>> Veitch celebrates Black Easter <<
Long term Satanist Joel Veitch has finally come
out in his hatred of all things godly. He's
literally conjured up the devil and in a final
heresy he takes Satan's name in vain by giving
him his own face and a potato for a best
friend. Is it good? Is it rubbish? It's so
bloody weird we can't tell.
http://rathergood.com/posaitan
>> Why computers are shit <<
According to Kirby, the answer is simple: it's
like "writing a novel on a typewriter that
dispenses pornography." He suggest you smash
your laptops or at the very least switch off
your WiFi. Never! We'd rather stick our cock in
a George Foreman. Uh, the grill that is.
http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/13_distraction_ma...
>> Cat Face vs Lol Cats <<
Jonti has been banging his head against his
keyboard in frustration that his own catty
creations are not as popular as Lolcats. This
is why:
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/catface/Cat+Face+13/
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Unemployed
Last week we asked you for the upsides of not
having a job in these troubled times. Worth
a click purely for Spanky Hanky's story of
self-abuse he now, erm, regrets:
http://b3ta.com/questions/unemployed/
Maybe it's not having anything else to do,
but for some reason everyone's stories are
far too long for the newsletter. So here's
The Dirty Weeker's Five Ages of Unemployment
1) ELATION: The sheer freedom! A time in your
life where you can look forward and think, in
the next few MONTHS you have absolutely nothing
to worry about. You can go anywhere, do anything.
Money might be a bit tight, but YOU ARE FREE!
2) HIBERNATION: Every day is the weekend. Sleep
in until 11am. Then 12noon. Then 2pm. Then until
when you get up it's actually dark outside. Your
slumber is so deep and relaxing that time is of
no importance now.
3) PROCRASTINATION: After 3 weeks of living like
a vampire, those computer games you've over-played
are becoming tiresome. You are increasingly
frustrated with Phil and Fern's perpetual faux-
happiness and smutty innuendoes. You are ready to
smash the TV after yet another glorious and smug
Jeremy Kyle outburst, but can't be bothered.
4) DEPRESSION: Months have passed and you can
barely even sleep anymore. If you do it's at
precisely the wrong time, perhaps when that girl
you fancy is round and you miss everything. There
is no structure to your life. It is sleep, watch
daytime TV, eat shit, shit shit and then struggle
in vain to sleep. Hygiene is out the window, self
respect is at an all-time low.
5) SUICIDE: Tomorrow. Maybe.
>> This Week's Question <<
Nightclubs. Thinly-disguised entrances to Hell
where bad things happen. Tell us your
dance-floor disasters:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nightclubs/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Playing possum <<
Our favourite form of masturbation is to lay
naked in front of a mirror, play dead and
imagine we're wanking over a corpse. Not
really; stiffs don't really give us stiffies,
we're joking for "comic effect." Anyway, if you
want to see lots of pillocks pretending they're
corpses then click now, for tomorrow it may be
too late.
http://www.playdeadpics.com/
>> Mini studio sets <<
Coming on like a dollhouse for elderly
homosexuals who works in TV, is this meticulous
collection of miniature recreations of studio
sets. Including The Golden Girls, Roseanne and
The Brady Bunch. It's actually quite hard to
tell them all apart, but it does make the point
all these shows were filmed on a soundstage in
front on an audience, and not (as we'd
previously believed) in a real house. TV's
magic spell is broken. BTW: We'd also like to
see a flea circus version. Ideally of Curb Your
Enthusiasm.
http://snurl.com/ministudiosets
>> Coffin dodgers <<
A great present for an elderly relative with
wartime "waste not want not" attitudes, we
bring you a shelving unit that turns into a
coffin. Might be nice to get a small one for
the kids' room.
http://snurl.com/shelfishbastard
>> Easy crap remix tool <<
Happy hardcore - remember that? Now you can
make your own shit remix by uploading an MP3
and "putting a donk on it". Our shout goes out
to the Pearly Kings of Cockney Land, Chas &
Dave with their soon-to-be-donk classic Rabbit.
http://www.donkdj.com/remix/48943/duplicates
>> Girls dressed as Daleks <<
In what the B3ta missus describes as "horrid
soft porn for nerds but you'll be playing to
the gallery so stick it in" we bring you three
passably-attractive young women dressed to give
the I.T. cupboard a thrill.
http://echidnite.livejournal.com/23690.html
>> Mock the police <<
Not feeling very positive about the boys in
blue at the moment - what with the Ian
Tomlinson G20 death case and our own
experiences of multiple burglaries then actually
meeting the local coppers and realising that
they're thick and are mostly imported from the
provinces thus having less local knowledge than
a cabbage. Anyway, their latest offering is a
bunch of scare-mongering posters suggesting
that we riffle through our neighbours' bins
looking for bomb-making equipment. Make your
own poster with this handy tool:
http://jamesholden.net/billboard/
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Kissing Kittens
Our black hearts briefly thawed with this
spectacular burst of uber fluff. It's like a
unicorn ejaculating rainbows in your face.
http://www.catspictures.net/2009/04/cats-in-love-p...
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Sinister moving lanterns. Burn the witches.
>> Dog sings and plays keyboard <<
Passing the test of "does it make a three year
old laugh?" with flying colours, although our
kidlet did then say, "Now I want spiders.
Spiders!" comes a canine with a casio making
music that's no so much sweet as bloody awful.
Christ, we could do better and we're not even a
dog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Iron Man vs Bruce Lee <<
Making us realise once and for all that we're
completely shit at stop-motion and we shouldn't
even bother trying. Thanks guys.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Snatch Vs Star Wars <<
We've hated Guy Ritchie ever since we saw him
on TV cunt-fest TFI Friday being all pally with
Vinny Jones, and vowed never to watch his films
and to flick poo on him should he ever pass us
in the street. However, our ignorance of his
oeuvre didn't stop us enjoying this Cockney
Darth Vader mash-up.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Snatch_Wars_Snatch_Vs_St...
>> Top 60 Ghetto Black Names <<
Racist? Probably. Wrong? Mostly. Funny?
Definitely.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Top_60_Ghetto_Black_Name...
>> Mittens: The Crime Solving Cat <<
From the people who brought you Charlie The
Unicorn comes another amusing animal-related
animation. This time starring... cats! Next
week they'll revive hamsters as the premier way
of getting the internet to lol.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
A building that looks like a cock you say?
Florida is famous for three things: old people,
orange juice and inventing fluoride. And now?
Hopefully this fame-triumvirate will be
shattered by having the finest cock-and-ball
shaped building in the USA.
http://snurl.com/spacecocks
BTW: Smash Hits once asked Roland Orzabal of
Tears for Fears, "what's the favourite
plaything from childhood that you still have?"
He answered, "My penis."
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Pop Goes The Movies Challenge
Last week we wanted you to add pop stars to
Hollywood blockbusters.
Your favourites included:
* HAMMER - Aardman Animations reveal a surprise
addition to their Christmas Special line-up (The
Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9327528
* JADE - not a pop star, but surely only cancer
denied us a cracking pop album from the
peoples' princess (Griffy Savalas)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9326881
* WACKO - spicing up the nation's favourite
Jewish musical with a single white glove and a
chimp (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9325886
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/popmovies/
>> New challenge: Video Game Reality <<
Computer games are supposed to be fun, but we
never consider the grim reality of what takes
place. Show us what remains in the wake of all
that death and destruction: the heartbreak, the
grief, and the tragedy. Challenge suggested by
valoukh.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/reality/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* HOVER BACON - long term readers will remember
Joel's peculiar song about "pork with
levitation", and will be pleased to see it sung
by a old woman with a cockatoo. She's so mad,
unlikely and funny we actually started to
hyperventilate.
http://b3ta.com/links/Hover_Bacon_sung_by_a_woman_...
* DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? - "Hello," writes
skeptobot, "I was that guy that tried to make
the Oyster Card Wand thing that didn't work out
(and now they've changed the way Oystercards
work to stop you doing it, the sods). Anyhow
I've made this: Basically I used Omegle.com, a
chatroom that randomly pairs you with strangers
to ask 36 people (& counting) whether they
believed in God, and I've posted the answers
I've got up there, regardless to whether they
were good or awful answers." BTW: Interesting
stuff - we just tried a similar thing and asked
a few users, "do animals have souls?" and we
can conclude using omegle to ask openish
questions is vaguely good.
http://doyoubelieveingod.tumblr.com/
* MORE BACON NONSENSE - "As a bacon-loving
newsletter," barks Stuk, "I thought you may be
interested in a BLT wrapwidge I made. It uses a
bacon lattice from the Meat Sushi you featured
a while ago, and wraps it around classic BLT
ingredients to make something resembling a
heart attack." He then continues in a
fantastically successful ploy to make us link
to him, "Always look forward to the newsletter.
Keep the good work up!"
http://thejunkyard.co.uk/
* ERRORS.NZ - 17 of you, that is, the entire
population of New Zealand wrote in to point out
our error in last week's newsletter. "Re: News
anchor makes fun of lady's moustache," gibbers
trigger_nz, "It was Paul Henry, not Paul
Holmes. The first is a genius, the second a
complete tosser. Not your fault though, the
video was mislabelled."
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* GUARDIAN API HACKS - amused to see this chart
that plots the rise of cuss words in the
Guardian. Now can someone use the same
technology to test their spelling? (I know we
can't talk, but hey, we don't even have staff
let alone subs.)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/pda/2009/apr/03/re...
* INSTANT MASH-UP GENERATOR - milne_alec asks,
"I want a site that will mash together two
chosen websites." So typing in as tnaflix.com
and cheese.com will give a strange mishmash of
cheese and pornography? Fantastic.
* PINT IN THE SUNSHINE APPLICATION - bu5ta also
asks, "It's cold outside this time of year
unless you're directly in the sunlight. How
about an iPhone application that uses Google
Maps/Earth to triangulate the height of
buildings/ rotation of the sun to tell me where
I can drink around London at any time and still
stand in the sun? I don't have the expertise
for this but reckon one of the b3tards will."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jon bounds, Terry,
roystead, jdxnster, Rick-the-Dick,
Willwillwritehiswill and bowi555. Twitter
helpers: @ParkaBoi @sheepfilms @Daffydil
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Barbarossa did the subjlols. Geeky joke that we
really like but thought too obscure for most:
http://www.zazzle.com/css_is_awesome_mug-168716435...
-------------------------------------------------
SICKIPEDIA:
How does Stephen Hawking run?
On double A's.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
