we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* ARTY BOLLOCKS - If albums were paperbacks
* QUESTION - Your shitty nightclub experiences
* PHOTOS - Dead people & girls dressed as Daleks

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're shunning 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    success... together"

B3ta email 373 - 9 Apr 2009

Print this out in near letter quality:

       Friends:  [email protected]
    Bastards:  [email protected]

  You make the movies

  The Industry Trust invites you to recreate an
  Iconic Movie moment and win a trip to Orlando.

  So; state you might need a bigger fishing
  vessel; chew the fat about French cheeseburgers
  or bring a knife to a gun fight.

  Just prepare yourself for the resulting racial
  slur. Enter your opus here

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  We have the secrets of levitation. Talk to us.


  Headlines are for girls

  >> If albums were paperbacks <<
  "Hello Guardian Reading Middle-class media
  rebel types!" sneers LittlePixel, "I've
  embarked on remaking a set of classic record
  sleeves, as if Joe Stalin had won the Cold War
  and all popular beat combo releases were
  expressed in the form of modernist paperbacks
  like the penguin books in the sixties. Maybe
  you'll like them? - they're probably the
  records you listened to in your pot-noodle
  eating student waster days so there's easily as
  much nostalgia as a video of someone wanking to
  the sound of a ZX loader." Yes yes dearie,
  we'll indulge your rambling fantasy world as
  they actually look really good.

  >> Veitch celebrates Black Easter <<
  Long term Satanist Joel Veitch has finally come
  out in his hatred of all things godly. He's
  literally conjured up the devil and in a final
  heresy he takes Satan's name in vain by giving
  him his own face and a potato for a best
  friend. Is it good? Is it rubbish? It's so
  bloody weird we can't tell.

  >> Why computers are shit <<
  According to Kirby, the answer is simple: it's
  like "writing a novel on a typewriter that
  dispenses pornography." He suggest you smash
  your laptops or at the very least switch off
  your WiFi. Never! We'd rather stick our cock in
  a George Foreman.  Uh, the grill that is.

  >> Cat Face vs Lol Cats <<
  Jonti has been banging his head against his
  keyboard in frustration that his own catty
  creations are not as popular as Lolcats. This
  is why:



  Last week we asked you for the upsides of not
  having a job in these troubled times. Worth
  a click purely for Spanky Hanky's story of
  self-abuse he now, erm, regrets:

  Maybe it's not having anything else to do,
  but for some reason everyone's stories are
  far too long for the newsletter. So here's
  The Dirty Weeker's Five Ages of Unemployment

  1) ELATION: The sheer freedom! A time in your
  life where you can look forward and think, in
  the next few MONTHS you have absolutely nothing
  to worry about. You can go anywhere, do anything.
  Money might be a bit tight, but YOU ARE FREE!

  2) HIBERNATION: Every day is the weekend. Sleep
  in until 11am. Then 12noon. Then 2pm. Then until
  when you get up it's actually dark outside. Your
  slumber is so deep and relaxing that time is of
  no importance now.

  3) PROCRASTINATION: After 3 weeks of living like
  a vampire, those computer games you've over-played
  are becoming tiresome. You are increasingly
  frustrated with Phil and Fern's perpetual faux-
  happiness and smutty innuendoes. You are ready to
  smash the TV after yet another glorious and smug
  Jeremy Kyle outburst, but can't be bothered.

  4) DEPRESSION: Months have passed and you can
  barely even sleep anymore. If you do it's at
  precisely the wrong time, perhaps when that girl
  you fancy is round and you miss everything. There
  is no structure to your life. It is sleep, watch
  daytime TV, eat shit, shit shit and then struggle
  in vain to sleep. Hygiene is out the window, self
  respect is at an all-time low. 

  5) SUICIDE: Tomorrow. Maybe.

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Nightclubs. Thinly-disguised entrances to Hell
  where bad things happen. Tell us your
  dance-floor disasters:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Playing possum <<
  Our favourite form of masturbation is to lay
  naked in front of a mirror, play dead and
  imagine we're wanking over a corpse. Not
  really; stiffs don't really give us stiffies,
  we're joking for "comic effect." Anyway, if you
  want to see lots of pillocks pretending they're
  corpses then click now, for tomorrow it may be
  too late.

  >> Mini studio sets <<
  Coming on like a dollhouse for elderly
  homosexuals who works in TV, is this meticulous
  collection of miniature recreations of studio
  sets. Including The Golden Girls, Roseanne and
  The Brady Bunch. It's actually quite hard to
  tell them all apart, but it does make the point
  all these shows were filmed on a soundstage in
  front on an audience, and not (as we'd
  previously believed) in a real house. TV's
  magic spell is broken. BTW: We'd also like to
  see a flea circus version. Ideally of Curb Your

  >> Coffin dodgers <<
  A great present for an elderly relative with
  wartime "waste not want not" attitudes, we
  bring you a shelving unit that turns into a
  coffin. Might be nice to get a small one for
  the kids' room.

  >> Easy crap remix tool <<
  Happy hardcore - remember that? Now you can
  make your own shit remix by uploading an MP3
  and "putting a donk on it". Our shout goes out
  to the Pearly Kings of Cockney Land, Chas &
  Dave with their soon-to-be-donk classic Rabbit.

  >> Girls dressed as Daleks <<
  In what the B3ta missus describes as "horrid
  soft porn for nerds but you'll be playing to
  the gallery so stick it in" we bring you three
  passably-attractive young women dressed to give
  the I.T. cupboard a thrill.

  >> Mock the police <<
  Not feeling very positive about the boys in
  blue at the moment - what with the Ian
  Tomlinson G20 death case and our own
  experiences of multiple burglaries then actually
  meeting the local coppers and realising that
  they're thick and are mostly imported from the
  provinces thus having less local knowledge than
  a cabbage. Anyway, their latest offering is a
  bunch of scare-mongering posters suggesting
  that we riffle through our neighbours' bins
  looking for bomb-making equipment. Make your
  own poster with this handy tool:


  Kissing Kittens 

  Our black hearts briefly thawed with this
  spectacular burst of uber fluff. It's like a
  unicorn ejaculating rainbows in your face.


  Sinister moving lanterns. Burn the witches.

  >> Dog sings and plays keyboard <<
  Passing the test of "does it make a three year
  old laugh?" with flying colours, although our
  kidlet did then say, "Now I want spiders.
  Spiders!" comes a canine with a casio making
  music that's no so much sweet as bloody awful.
  Christ, we could do better and we're not even a

  >> Iron Man vs Bruce Lee <<
  Making us realise once and for all that we're
  completely shit at stop-motion and we shouldn't
  even bother trying. Thanks guys.

  >> Snatch Vs Star Wars <<
  We've hated Guy Ritchie ever since we saw him
  on TV cunt-fest TFI Friday being all pally with
  Vinny Jones, and vowed never to watch his films
  and to flick poo on him should he ever pass us
  in the street. However, our ignorance of his
  oeuvre didn't stop us enjoying this Cockney
  Darth Vader mash-up.

  >> Top 60 Ghetto Black Names <<
  Racist? Probably. Wrong? Mostly. Funny?

  >> Mittens: The Crime Solving Cat <<
  From the people who brought you Charlie The
  Unicorn comes another amusing animal-related
  animation. This time starring... cats! Next
  week they'll revive hamsters as the premier way
  of getting the internet to lol. 


  A building that looks like a cock you say?

  Florida is famous for three things: old people,
  orange juice and inventing fluoride. And now?
  Hopefully this fame-triumvirate will be
  shattered by having the finest cock-and-ball
  shaped building in the USA.

  BTW:   Smash Hits once asked Roland Orzabal of
  Tears for Fears, "what's the favourite
  plaything from childhood that you still have?"
  He answered, "My penis." 


  Pop Goes The Movies Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to add pop stars to
  Hollywood blockbusters.

  Your favourites included:
  * HAMMER - Aardman Animations reveal a surprise
  addition to their Christmas Special line-up (The
  Great Architect)

  * JADE - not a pop star, but surely only cancer
  denied us a cracking pop album from the
  peoples' princess (Griffy Savalas)

  * WACKO - spicing up the nation's favourite
  Jewish musical with a single white glove and a
  chimp (prodigy69)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Video Game Reality <<
  Computer games are supposed to be fun, but we
  never consider the grim reality of what takes
  place. Show us what remains in the wake of all
  that death and destruction: the heartbreak, the
  grief, and the tragedy. Challenge suggested by


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * HOVER BACON - long term readers will remember
  Joel's peculiar song about "pork with
  levitation", and will be pleased to see it sung
  by a old woman with a cockatoo. She's so mad,
  unlikely and funny we actually started to

  * DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? - "Hello," writes
  skeptobot, "I was that guy that tried to make
  the Oyster Card Wand thing that didn't work out
  (and now they've changed the way Oystercards
  work to stop you doing it, the sods). Anyhow
  I've made this: Basically I used Omegle.com, a
  chatroom that randomly pairs you with strangers
  to ask 36 people (& counting) whether they
  believed in God, and I've posted the answers
  I've got up there, regardless to whether they
  were good or awful answers." BTW: Interesting
  stuff - we just tried a similar thing and asked
  a few users, "do animals have souls?" and we
  can conclude using omegle to ask openish
  questions is vaguely good.

  * MORE BACON NONSENSE - "As a bacon-loving
  newsletter," barks Stuk, "I thought you may be
  interested in a BLT wrapwidge I made. It uses a
  bacon lattice from the Meat Sushi you featured
  a while ago, and wraps it around classic BLT
  ingredients to make something resembling a
  heart attack." He then continues in a
  fantastically successful ploy to make us link
  to him, "Always look forward to the newsletter.
  Keep the good work up!"

  * ERRORS.NZ - 17 of you, that is, the entire
  population of New Zealand wrote in to point out
  our error in last week's newsletter. "Re: News
  anchor makes fun of lady's moustache," gibbers
  trigger_nz, "It was Paul Henry, not Paul
  Holmes. The first is a genius, the second a
  complete tosser. Not your fault though, the
  video was mislabelled."



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * GUARDIAN API HACKS - amused to see this chart
  that plots the rise of cuss words in the
  Guardian. Now can someone use the same
  technology to test their spelling? (I know we
  can't talk, but hey, we don't even have staff
  let alone subs.)

  * INSTANT MASH-UP GENERATOR - milne_alec asks,
  "I want a site that will mash together two
  chosen websites."  So typing in as tnaflix.com
  and cheese.com will give a strange mishmash of
  cheese and pornography? Fantastic.

  asks, "It's cold outside this time of year
  unless you're directly in the sunlight. How
  about an iPhone application that uses Google
  Maps/Earth to triangulate the height of
  buildings/ rotation of the sun to tell me where
  I can drink around London at any time and still
  stand in the sun? I don't have the expertise
  for this but reckon one of the b3tards will."

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jon bounds, Terry,
  roystead, jdxnster, Rick-the-Dick,
  Willwillwritehiswill and bowi555. Twitter
  helpers: @ParkaBoi @sheepfilms @Daffydil
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Barbarossa did the subjlols. Geeky joke that we
  really like but thought too obscure for most:


  How does Stephen Hawking run?
  On double A's.

next issue »
« previous issue