NEWSLETTER: "FREE GURKHA KNIFE FOR EVERY READER!"
This Week:
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Yep, B3ta vs Twitter
* QUESTION - Confess your gambling problems
* DRIED NASAL MUCUS - Biggest snotball ever
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're rebooting the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| telly... together"
B3ta email 377 - 8 May 2009
Especially designed for your Psion organiser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue377/
The Wire: [email protected]
The Bill: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Will singing bottle take on Lady Gaga?
There are many obscure questions in the world.
Could a cat win Wimbledon? Can you make a car
out of ham? Will a singing bottle ever top the
charts with his vocal prowess? Actually,
sometimes it’s the strangest things that turn
out to be real...
http://tinyurl.com/Hankthesingingbottle
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than eating stale bacon
>> Susan Boyle meets... Doctor Who <<
"I'm so sorry, I'm so very sorry..." weeps
RichJohnston. He's mashed together footage of
everyone's favourite musical spinster with
particularly shit 1980s Doctor Who. The results
are crude but effective.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Susan_Boyle_meets_Doctor...
>> Pythagorus the Penguin <<
Butters tells the tale of an incompetent
penguin and a fish vending machine. Slight but
amusing cut-out paper stylings.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pythagorus_the_Penguin
>> Billy the Kitt <<
Lawman Cat Garrett pursued outlaw Billy the
Kitt across the Old West to the greatest
gunfight ever seen. That is what Joel tells us
and who are we to argue with magical singing
cats?
http://rathergood.com/billy
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Turning into your parents
Last week we asked about your slow, inevitable
decline into your parents. Click to read of
such things as spikeypickle's special paint-
stirring stick that he keeps in the shed:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gettingolder/
Here's three pieces of comfy clothing:
* "Shopping for warm clothes in February, I
came across a nice Marks and Spencer striped
woolly jumper, just my size, for three quid
in a charity shop. Bargain! I took it home,
tried it on and I was really happy with it.
Last week, I took my daughter to see my
parents on the other side of town. 'Nice
jumper, Noel,' said my mum, 'Let me guess:
British Heart Foundation? A month or two ago?'
'Um, yeah. How'd you know that?' 'I was spring
cleaning and gave some clothes to charity.
That jumper used to belong to your father.'
My daughter pointed and laughed." (No3L)
* "This week I finally gave in and bought a
pair of elasticated waistband 'jogging' (ha!)
pants to wear around the house. They are
fantastic. I just want to tell people about
how comfy they are. And very reasonably priced!"
(The Light In Chains)
* "It rained the other day down here in that
London. I actually, in all seriousness,
contemplated buying one of those plastic rain
hoods from the chemist. I might as well just
book a blue rinse and a Saga holiday now."
(Rakky)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your stupidest bets. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gambling/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Where are you in the movie? <<
Consider your whole life-span as a film. Input
your age here and you get to see whereabouts
you'd be in classics such as Star Wars, The Big
Lebowski and Wizard of Oz. We're with the Dude
in a bar somewhere.
http://www.amberdigital.com/where/
>> 9/11 cookie monster <<
The conspiracy theorists on David Icke's forums
chill out and have fun constructing hidden
meaning from a 1976 Sesame Street book cover.
http://www.davidicke.com/forum/showthread.php
>> DIY Snotball <<
Everybody should have an enormous ball of
preserved nose-goblins.. Here's a handy
step-by-step guide to manufacturing a giant
fake ball of bogeys so you can pretend you've
been collecting them up for 18 years.
http://www.averyswellidea.com/swellideas/BoogerBal...
>> Massive piles <<
Gigantic mounds of stuff, all sorts of stuff,
all heaped up. If that's your field of interest
you'll find much to love in this photo gallery
site.
http://mmmmound.blogspot.com/
>> Awkward boners <<
Unwanted, public erections are a particular
hazard of being a man. Who hasn't had to stay
on the bus miles past their stop, hunched in
your seat because you caught a glimpse of the
bus driver's erotic tattoo? Anyway, here's a
place to laugh at blokes who haven't even the
good grace to be embarrassed about it.
http://www.awkwardboners.com
>> Custard shortage hits Kent <<
Young mum on a desperate hunt for custard.
Props to thisiskent for writing the most
parochial story ever. Well, second to Giles
Coren's guides to the cafes of Kentish Town.
http://snurl.com/slowestnewsdayever
>> Wall of YouTube <<
Makes a swirling collage of any YouTube video
you care to point it at, by tiling it with a
slight delay between each version. Here's it's
take on alco-classic Beer Beer Beer.
http://snurl.com/yooouuutuuube
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
"It’s a codec moment" (tm)
>> "Twelve months" in Estonian? <<
Comedy gold as interviewer gets Estonian women
to tell him how to say "twelve months". That
would be "kaksteist kuud".
http://snurl.com/kaksteistkuud [b3ta_com]
>> The Grapist <<
Advertising pitch meeting for grape juice
company. They're afraid the new campaign is
perhaps hitting the wrong tone.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Grapist
>> Play him off, Keyboard Cat <<
Musical feline provides the theme-tune to failure.
http://playhimoffkeyboardcat.com/
SEE ALSO: Clever b3tard Bobsworth has automated
the whole thing so you can make Keyboard Cat
play off any youTube clip you like:
http://bobsworth.dreamhosters.com/keyboardcat/
>> LSD: A cautionary tale <<
Earnest 60s telly show Dragnet warns viewers
that LSD is highly dangerous. Goes on a bit but
it is funny, particularly as you can see where
Police Squad got its ideas from.
http://bit.ly/GAtvs
>> Eastenders (The Milk) <<
Aggressive redubbing of what the 'stenders
should be saying. We also liked these guys'
version of Dragons' Den.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Eastenders_the_milk
>> Pimped out fridge <<
Comedy ladies' man gives you the tour of his
crib, mostly concentrating on the importance of
a fridge well-stocked with beverages.
http://bit.ly/KzfbR
>> Fire alarm jam session <<
Most people hearing a fire alarm immediately
evacuate the building (after getting their
coats and finishing your coffee). Students, on
the other hand, just work the wailing sound
into their band rehearsal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Stupid name & phallic logo double entry
Bethnjones writesm "The guy's got a brilliant
name and his company has a phallic logo to
boot! Here's Mr. Piswanger"
http://www.pendlpiswanger.at
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the David Icke Challenge
Last week we wanted you to 'shop
Britain's foremost crackpot.
Your favourites included:
* QUEEN - Icke ignores royal protocol in an
attempt to unmask the Queen (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9408002
* GLASSES - viewing the world through lenses
tinted with paranoia (Jeru)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9411556
* VIDEO - in which Icke infiltrates Blockbuster
video in order to spread his lunacy (Monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9411850
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/davidicke/
>> New challenge: Twitter <<
It's officially the biggest thing since the
last big thing, and will remain so until the
next big thing comes along. It's ripe for one
of b3ta's occasional one-word challenges. It's
Twitter.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/twitter/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* STREET VIEW "MOONING" SUBVERSION - Pat Wood
claims, "he Google Street View car came down my
mate’s road tonight... some more mates were at
the top of the same, small cul de sac... one
swift phone call later and there’s plenty of
B3ta-inspired ass lining the street- I’ll let
you know when it’s live and whether or not
their auto face-blurrer confuses my and Si’s
childish botties for people’s faces. The bloke
in the Google car found it amusing. Especially
when he realised he had to turn round and come
right back out of the lane!" Photos or it
didn't happen as they say on CB radio.
* TOP TIP BOLLOCKS AS PER USUAL - A.Reader
writes, "Your top tip (B3ta email 375 - 24 Apr
2009) is bollocks, washing your razor in
boiling water will expand the blade causing it
to lose its edge and therefore result in a
blunter shave." Yeah yeah yeah, shave your legs
tranny-boy.
* BEANS: MICROWAVE VS COOKER - irregularshed
burps, "I've just got a new electric cooker
after an ill-advised repair to the door of the
old one resulted in 'hilarious' consequences.
The manual that came with it let me know that
the rings on the hob are either 1500W or 2000W,
depending on the size. An 850W microwave will
use more lecky than just the energy thrown out
by its magnetron, probably in the region of
1000W (from faded memory). If we say it takes
about 3.5 minutes to heat a tin of beans up in
either a pan or the microwave - a fair
assumption, although I've never timed beans
heating on a hob - using the microwave is going
to use about two thirds of the power that the
hob would."
* SLAP CHOP MAN IN SLEAZE SHOCK - Regarding a
video we featured last week Aegryan informs,
"Slap-chop Vince slapped up a prostitute.
Check out page 2, she was even quite pretty.
Turns out it can't slap all your troubles away."
http://snurl.com/pimpslapchop [www_thesmokinggun_com]
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DOUBLE BLIND BEANS TEST - Expiry_date has
written in to complain that "nothing makes me
angrier than people disrespecting the baked
bean by cooking it in a microwave", and we're
not entirely convinced that people can tell the
difference in how beans taste in whether
they're heated in a microwave or cooker. We
demand a double-blind test - that means both
the sampler AND the person giving the beans out
neither knows how the beans have been cooked.
Let's settle this.
* GOATSE TAX DISK HOLDER - BourbonBiscuits
requests, "suggest someone makes a
print-your-own goatse car tax-disc holder.
Perhaps mention the possibility it could be a
stylised/cartoon type drawing, and not the
actual photo."
* TOILET CHARTS FOR ADULTS - why should kids
get all the praise? Swap gold stars for booze,
sexual favours or meat.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Last Night
Something Something Something Something,
agentoffortune, reynish, commanderbyrne, Avast,
more balanced than jeremy beadle, gronkpan,
moogy boobles, Junior special, louzylame,
robtinsley, I put the cunt in Scunthorpe.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via printmeister.
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TOP TIP: If listening to an audiobook and
things stop making sense then turn the
shuffle off.
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SICKIPEDIA: Can't wait for The Sun's Page 3
spread showing what Madeleine McCann looks like
at eighteen.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
