NEWSLETTER: "ANYONE ELSE NOTICED THAT CARLSBERG DO SOD ALL?"
This Week:
* LOL 'FAT' CATS - Nope, not with actual cats
* VEITCH - Lion toasters
* NAZIS - On the moon!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're shaving our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| legs... together"
B3ta email 379 - 22 May 2009
Bleep this issue on your pager:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue379/
Winners: [email protected]
Sinners: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Toasters, Voices, Fat Cats
>> Lion toaster <<
Joel Veitch regrets his recent purchase of a
toaster manufactured by lions. He elaborates
through the medium of song:
http://rathergood.com/toaster
>> Impersonations <<
"I'm always behind the animation doing my
impersonations," complains Terry Mynott. "So
here is my ugly mug." By some ungodly wizardry,
he's able to make his voice sound exactly like
somebody else's. Probably sold his soul to
Satan. Anyway, we'd really really like to see
more of his Shawshank Redemption redub.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Impersonations
>> Lol fat cats <<
Nicolas Roope, best-known for having an
enormous Nordic beard - has been combo-ing up
the locat meme with satiric intent. In theory
we hate it, but in practise it made us grin.
Much like Roope's beard.
http://lolfatcats.com/
>> Beyoncé's unseen Nintendo DS advert <<
Defying Darwin reveal the Beyoncé endorsement
that the lawyers didn't want you to see. NSFW,
if your boss has particularly sharp eyesight.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Beyonces_unseen_nintendo...
>> "Buy me a boat" <<
"I'm gonna become a the Simon Le Bon of le
comedy," brags John Hopkins. He and his chums
vow to beat the recession by buying a yacht on
credit, sailing it to Edinburgh and using the
ticket money to pay back the boat shop. Will
they make it? Or, more likely, will they drown?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/With_Sails_and_I
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Bullies
Last week we asked for your, frankly shocking,
stories of bullying:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bullies/
* FISH FACE - "My dad was a policeman and told
me of a man who'd been brought in regarding a
crime the police knew he was responsible for.
He refused to budge from his story and the
decision was made to apply a little 'pressure'
to ensure the required outcome. One of the
coppers was a member of the police diving squad
and just happened to have his wetsuit and gear
with him. Someone was sent down to the pier.
The accused was left alone in the interview
room for a while. And then... the door opened
to reveal a frogman in full kit, flippers and
facemask, carrying a large fish. The questions
were posed again, but this time each
'incorrect' answer came with a mighty wet fish
slap around the chops. Eventually the chap
coughed to the crime and it all went to court.
Once on the stand, the defendant withdrew his
confession as it had been made under duress,
and explained the situation surrounding it. The
judge had him sent off for psychiatric
assessment." (chickenlady)
* FROGS, SNAILS, PUPPYDOG TAILS - "I'm half
French and so I had the usual taunts of 'frog'
through primary school. One day whilst enduring
the (by now slightly stale) jibes about 'eating
snails', one of the more ape-like older boys
thrust one under my nose. 'Fuck it,' I thought.
So I ate it. It wasn't too bad as I recall. Bit
crunchy - I've since learnt not to eat the
shells." (mrgibbles)
* SICK AND TIRED - "A four year-old Rakky is
sat on the school bus, wearing her boater and
gymslip, heading off to another day at the hell
hole school she’d been sent to. And like every
day, as soon as the bus doors closed and my
mother’s tearful face slid out of view, the
girl from my class, the stupid, popular, rich
one would start on me. "Give me your jotter,
what’s the matter, cry baby, going to tell
teacher?” On and on it went, every single day
until one day I could take no more. So, pulling
myself up to the full height that only a four
year-old can muster, I prepared to unleash a
salvo of such terrifying force that even the
gods themselves would stop to listen... And I
vomited on her. Didn’t mean to, it just kind of
fell out. Left me alone after that, though.
Stupid bitch." (Rakky)
>> This Week's Question <<
This week your Ginger Fuhrer bought a
trampoline that was almost bigger than his
garden. Make him feel better by telling us
about your impulse buys:
http://b3ta.com/questions/impulsebuys/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Cake lego <<
Cake made of lego and lego made of cake. It's a
mixed-up, muddled-up, shook-up world. Except
for lego.
http://is.gd/ALiW
>> Flash electronic music generator <<
Save money by cluttering your screen, not your
room, with inexplicable but exciting-looking
lumps of electronic gubbins. You could be the
next Technotronic!
http://www.hobnox.com/audiotool
>> Kanyefy the web <<
Make every site like the Kanye West blog, with
this handy one-button solution.
http://fffff.at/kanyefy-text-bookmarklet/
>> How to use Twitter for marketing and PR <<
The Web 2.0 adman's holy grail explained.
Although in our experience, Twitter is the most
effective marketing tool... only for Twitter.
http://www.howtousetwitterformarketingandpr.com/
>> Vintage porn interiors <<
Watch one porno and you've pretty much seen
them all, in terms of naked dangly bits. But
check out the wallpaper! We suspect this is how
ladies think when we try to get them to watch
dirty movies with us.
http://snurl.com/pronbackgrounds
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Which this week we're subbing to 'yideo'
>> Czech novelty pop <<
Delve into eastern Europe's murky past with a
seventies ditty from what is clearly the 20th
century's most mental musical combo. It'd be
comedy gold even without the sound.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pure_Comedy_Gold
>> Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus <<
From the scant clues, we figure this is a film
where a gigantic shark meets, and possibly
comes into conflict with, an enormous octopus.
Fans of this sort of Z-movie action might also
enjoy tracking down Megalodon, which stars a
young John Barrowman and a colossal CGI shark.
http://bit.ly/14xMrs
>> 5 second films <<
Ludicrously short comic sketches; keep hitting
'Random for more lols. "Robodog, walk!"
http://5secondfilms.com/watch/robodog
>> Whack-a-kitty <<
Please hammer, don't hurt them.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/whack_a_kitty
>> A message from the Queen <<
Britain's head of state finally speaks her mind
to the nation.
http://b3ta.com/links/Ladies_gentlemen_Her_Majesty...
>> Nazis on the moon <<
In 1945 the nazis fled to the moon. In 2018
they are coming back. Now THAT'S a film pitch.
http://www.ironsky.net/
>> Sorry I'm late <<
Arty bit of stop-motion whimsey, in a lying on
the floor and wobbling pillows about stylee.
http://www.sorry-im-late.com/watch.html
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Reinventing the Wheel
Challenge
Last week we wanted you to invent
pointless new stuff to replace perfectly
old good stuff.
Your favourites included:
* CATFLAP - upgrade your cat's life with this
useful bit of intergalactic kit (2 Can Chunder)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9450292
* LEGO - entirely feasible yet completely
rubbish Jenga update (op)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9446748
* TRUMP - summing up the challenge perfectly:
expensive and stupid, and probably in
production right now (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9456399
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/reinventingthewheel/
>> New challenge: Letter Art <<
This week we'd like you to make an animal or a
celebrity, or something generally
recognisable... entirely from letters and
punctuation. It's like making ascii art, but
using Photoshop.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/letterart/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
This week we asked people on twitter what
they'd like to see:
* KITTY SHITTY TWITTY - RFID tag your cat & set
it up to tweet every time it uses the litter
tray. It'll be huge, twitterers will follow any
old shit. (via @bounder)
* IMDOLLATED HEROES - Build dolls of famously
immolated people, then set them on fire and
film it. (via @Ikebox)
* YOUPAIDFORIT.COM - Take photos of MPs' homes
and make a 'Home Beautiful' style blog to
feature all the nice things we paid for.
(via @bloggerheads)
Also special mention to @Protowizard who says,
"I want some sort of literal gingerbread house
and I want it NOW."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @ToastMaster,
@adelleywelley, @dalzinho, @nikroope, planearm,
Cr3, god save the queen, clopinettes,
@edwardrussia, @alnapp. Top Tippery by Ugi
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via sadako. Sickipedia love to
FoXXyViXen.
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TOP TIP TESCO HACK:
Want to book a delivery from Tesco more than
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you can book your groceries to arrive the
morning you get back from your 3-week holiday.
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SICKIPEDIA:
If I enter Stephen Hawking against his will, am
I a rapist or a hacker?
http://www.sickipedia.org/
