NEWSLETTER: "FARRAH WHO?"
This Week:
* MEAT COCKTAILS - The Bacon Meatini
* VIDEO - Gamer kid spazz-out
* FUNNY NAME CORNER - Sadly, it's back
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 383 - 26 Jun 2009
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue384/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
End of the world party
Praise "Bob!" The end's nigh! B3tan minister
Reverend Priest hosts "The End Of The World
Show." London, July 4th.
http://dalliance.net/xday2009/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: OBLIGATORY JACKO INTRO
Right, as you know, the whole world has melted
down over the death of Michael Jackson, so we
best get that out of the way before the
newsletter proper.
* PHOTOSHOPS - we've open a special obituary
challenge so you can share your touching and
emotional gif-based tributes:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/michaeljackson/popul...
* MASS MOONWALK - we made a tentative
suggestion of a flash mob at 6pm in Liverpool
Street and Twitter exploded with extraordinary
enthusiasm. Thought we'd pop down though.
http://search.twitter.com/search
* SICKIPEDIA - in traffic we've haven't seen
since Jade Goody died, you've all completely
crippled our sick joke site. Stop pressing F5
ok?
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Apparently Jacko is dead you know
>> The Meatini <<
"I have invented the MEATINI!" rejoices Joel
Veitch. "A full English fry-up in a cocktail
glass made of bacon!" The glass is quite
disturbing, as if serial killer Ed Gein had got
his tableware sold in John Lewis or something.
http://rathergood.com/841_Meatini
>> Celebrity odd <<
Create your own peculiar celebrity portraits
automatically, thanks to this handy toy by
"Info", mother nature's most enigmatic b3tard.
http://makeacelebrityodd.com/
>> Bathroom of the Future <<
Tomorrow's world of space hovercrafts,
household robots and such will make your
morning ablutions simpler and more pleasant. So
say the Secret 7000 in a scene remake from some
film we can't quite place, maybe The Island,
Minority Report or Gattaca we reckon.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_John_Wash
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The Boss
What is it about running a company that makes
you think you are God? We asked for your tales
of mad psycho bosses. There's loads to read
here, but Crazy Steve sounds quite nice to us,
to be honest:
http://b3ta.com/questions/theboss/
Here's some short, funny stories dredged from
the long tales of bossy woe:
* CRAIG - "My boss has no social skills. In
addition to (or because of) this, he is also a
bit of a loud talker. One day I'm in my office
working away and I hear him looking for a
co-worker. "Hey Craig! Where's Craig?" He
starts walking down the hall, getting louder
each second. "Where's Craig?" I heard Craig's
voice, somewhat annoyed, but I couldn't make
out his words. The boss heard it too. "Craig?
Where the hell are you?" I heard Craig again,
and my boss replied at top volume, "In the
bathroom? What are you doing in the bathroom?"
I could hear the door to the bathroom open as
my boss went to investigate. He FINALLY figured
it out, the tard." (setimret)
* GARY - "I once got berated by the boss in
front of a customer for apparently ignoring her
tannoys. She was away with phrases like
'unprofessionalism', 'disciplinary' and 'taking
it higher'. I felt I had to say my piece. After
all I didn't ignore her, not on purpose anyway.
"Sorry but I didn't hear you." "I know fine
well you heard them, Gary. I've been calling
your name for five minutes now. I could see you
milling around at the other end of the store and
there's no problems with the tannoy over
there." "Erm...my name isn't Gary." The
customer laughed and she stormed off. Now
whenever I see her she makes an effort to drop
my correct name into the conversation at least
once." (Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock)
* IVAN - "My boss at my last proper job was an
enthusiastic, dedicated man who always did his
best to listen and respond to the concerns of
his workforce. Unfortunately, he had the voice
of Ivan Dobsky, the Meat- Safe Murderer. He may
have been talking about a new client design, or
a change in order quantities, but all I was
hearing was, "I never done it. I only said I
done it so they wouldn't give me another
jalfrezi enema..." (Concrete Cow)
Finally, we must bow down before Cockbrush for
this: "My last boss was a bit of a xenophobic
bigot, who didn't like people eating Turkish
Delight because it was a bit 'Muslim'. He even
put up a sign on the break room door: 'EAST
TREAT BANNED'"
>> This Week's Question <<
In a switch of one vowel, this week we're
moving from bosses to buses. Next week? Bizzies
- the police in Liverpool.
http://b3ta.com/questions/buses/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Non-existent invention blog <<
Dominic Wilcox has lots of ideas for inventions
and products. Too many, in fact, so he pours
them maniacally into a blog. Best one?
Chocolate biscuits with a handle for dunking.
If McVities brought this to production
tomorrow, they'd have every newspaper covering
it and every shop begging to stock them.
http://variationsonnormal.com/
>> Supermarket humiliation challenge <<
We once went to the supermarket and bought a
mars bar, the bloke we were with bought some
Vaseline (he had a split lip), but the
embarrassment of having these two items pass
over the scanner at the same time was
mind-bending. Looks like this NSFW site is onto
a similar idea with the Tickleberry Challenge,
a competition for submissive men that asks them
to buy three independently banal items from a
department store. The responses are both
pathetic and amusing.
http://www.tickleberry.co.uk/after-dark/tickleberr...
>> A new optical Illusion <<
Our colour vision is shit - have you ever
seen our attempts at design? So we'll take it
on trust that this optical illusion works and
isn't just an almighty gag on the colour-blind.
Did we mention we're also paranoid?
http://snurl.com/colouredtricks
>> One million giraffes <<
In an attempt at a "build it and they will
come" type meme, the request for the internet
to draw one million giraffes has so far
produced about 4000 or so. Reckon they will
make it to the glorious one million giraffes?
It's a tall challenge, but they're neck and
neck etc etc.
http://onemilliongiraffes.com/
>> My Average Life <<
In what is presumably a sequel to fuckmylife,
comes a collection of messages on how, well
average people's lives are. It's deadpan, crowd
sourced observational comedy - not a sentence
we ever thought we'd write. Some of the more
amusing lines include:
* Today, I opened the fridge. There was nothing
I wanted to eat in there. After 15 minutes, I
opened it again. There still wasn't anything I
wanted to eat in there. MLIA
* Today, my teacher saw me texting under the
desk and grabbed my phone. She didn't grab my
penis. MLIA.
* Today, I decided to tan on the balcony. I
took my top off and my neighbor came out and
saw me. He's a guy. So am I. We greeted each
other. MyLifeIsAverage.
http://mylifeisaverage.com/
>> Water bottle panorama <<
In the first fully official Christina Aguilera
simulator, you play a genie trapped in a bottle
waiting to be "rubbed the right way." Or so we
like to imagine.
http://snurl.com/gottleofgeer
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Doomed animal friendships
"It's a baby sparrow-hawk with kittin," spluffs
Crystal Meth. "Made me go aaaah."
http://snurl.com/letsbefriends
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like you care. JACKO IS DEAD FFS.
>> Gamer kid spazz-out <<
Teenage boy shrieks and cavorts like a
chimpanzee, all because his mom banned him from
World of Warcraft. Hilarious/disturbing by
turns, we're kind of hoping it's fake. Fave bit
is at 1:40-ish.
http://snurl.com/toddlerspaz
>> Ninja Terminator funk <<
Following autotunethenews, an insane kung fu
movie gets similar treatment. Bonus points for
the choice of Thomas The Tank Engine theme
tune, which, if there is a Hell, is the music
that Satan himself plays every day.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ninja_Terminator_funk
>> Stop-motion guitar <<
Blokey edits together his guitar strumming to
make Mozart's 'Marriage of Figaro'. Although if
he'd wanted to win at the internet he should
have picked the theme to Knight Rider.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stop_motion_guitar
>> Cat Lady movie <<
The crazy old lady with a hundred cats is a
running joke, but this documentary crew
followed several cat ladies around, with
interviews about what they felt they were
doing. Looks like a must-see movie. BTW: A
similar movie could be made about men with
their collections of old computers.
http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/cat-ladies/tr...
>> Darvaza: The Door to Hell <<
Some say it was caused by drilling for natural
gas in the 70s, some say oil in the 50s.
Whatever it was, it left a fucking massive pit
belching flame to the sky and it's been burning
non-stop for at least 38 years. And if you
listen closely it plays the Thomas The Tank
Engine theme.
http://snurl.com/lastepisodeofbuffy
>> Irresponsible Tio <<
Short but very sweet advice from 5 second
Films. God these guys rock.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Short_but_very_sweet
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Same rude words, slightly different order
* AIR FORCE POUNDS MILF - We saw a porno like
that once. More than once.
http://snurl.com/letshopetheymakeasequel
* LONGSTAFF & WANG - Pfft... How did those guys
end up working together?
http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm
* ROLO LOGO - What were they thinking of when
they designed it? Would you give anyone your
last titwank?
http://snurl.com/chocolatelove
* BOW LOCKS - Hurrah for east London canals!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bow_Locks
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Unlikely iPhone App Challenge
Last week we wanted you to build iPhones apps
Apple wouldn't approve of.
Your favourites included:
* CRIME - brilliantly clever iPhone app to help
victims of iPhone theft (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9527677
* FORCE - Obi Wan uses his iPhone to thwart the
Imperial Forces (Kris Fucking Kristofferson)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9528687
* ZOD - Superman's collection of iPhone apps
replaces the need for red Kryptonite (elbow)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9528822
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/iphone/
>> New challenge: Make Everything Posh <<
What with Royal Ascot and Wimbledon, the papers
are full of photos of posh people doing posh
things. But why should posh people get all the
fun? We say make everything posher.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/posh/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* "I'LL LISTEN TO IT IN THE CAR" - is a
put-down quote we ran last week from
Radiohead's Jonny Greenwood. Dufflouis writes
in, "I am a member of the band he was talking
about. We would like the honour of appearing in
the b3ta newsletter as well. Then you can all
listen to us in the car." Well, we don't
actually own a car, but we did listen to this
on our laptop and make brmmm brmmm noises. Ha -
quote that!
http://www.myspace.com/thedufflefolks
* ASK JO GUEST A QUESTION - B3tard
HoratioFellatio popped up on our board and
mentioned he was interviewing 90s glamour model
Jo Guest and asked B3tards for questions. In
the spirit of helping our, your Ginger Fuhrer
threw in a question but didn't really expect to
get so publicly name-checked. He's ever so
slightly embarrassed. NSFW.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* SCORP'S VIKING FUNERAL - "Last week my pet
scorpion Clamps was found dead in his terrarium
after 10 happy years," weeps Wallaboing. "I
didn't want to just stick him in the ground, bin
him, or flush him, as people may do with other
household pets. It seemed a bit to inhumane, so
I thought back on his life, and decided on the
best send off i could think of - THE VIKING
FUNERAL! Knowing how the internet works, I
videoed it." Stirring stuff.
http://snurl.com/petfunerals
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Captcha Invaders
You know those useless series of letters you
have to type to convince websites that you're
human? What if that was turned into a game?
Another lovely thing produced by E4 asking your
Ginger Fuhrer to get the b3tans to make games
for them. Thank Matt Round for this one - he
really is a spiffing chap.
http://www.e4.com/game/captcha-invaders/play.e4
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* RICHARD DAWKINS SINGING IMAGINE - cut up The
God Delusion audiobook to the lyrics of
Lennon's anti-religion hymn and, well, we're
not sure if this would be mocking or
celebrating Dawkins but we'd rather like to
hear it.
* LAMINATING BACON - Kaol would like to know if
it's possible to fry up a rasher in a
laminator. "I'm not stupid enough to try it
myself though," he assures us. Anyone?
* HORSE PISS, HORSE PISS! PSST! PSST! - a
mini-meme floating around B3ta towers at the
moment is singing these lyrics roughly to the
tune of The Ozmonds' Crazy Horses, whilst miming
pissing on everything. We can't actually be
arsed to produce this into a proper song and
video, but if someone else could do the job for
us? Cheers.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by malus_diabolus,
johncolchester, @mattround, Mr Alexander, CR3,
thunderfm, stuart.randell, pizzlepaps,
clivepenfold, thiswasmyclone, Mr Torture,
mockingbirdred. Monkeysport2000, Monocromatico,
Doogie Talons. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlol via The Great Architect
-------------------------------------------------
Sickipedia is royally fucked at the moment as
the world and his dog is trying to post Jacko
jokes and our server can't take it. So as a
thankful change of pace Nimble Colin writes, "A
delightful newsletter-friendly joke I recently
heard: Q: How do you titillate an ocelot? A:
Oscillate its tit a lot."
