we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* SONG - I Sucked Off a Bloke
* TATS - World's worst body art
* DOGS - Lilly Allen vs Littlest Hobo

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're rubbing our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     thighs... together"

B3ta email 383 - 19 Jun 2009

Delete this email and click:

       Dad:  [email protected]
         Mum:  [email protected]

  MPs vs. Rotten Vegetables

  MP's Expenses!! Those naughty boys & girls!
  Splat a politician with a tomato! Fed up
  hearing "I’ve not done anything wrong"
  - claiming for a helipad to be built -
  "Doesn’t everybody have one!?" Plus WIN an
  Ipod! Expenses paid of course! It's fun to be
  part of PeoplesRevenge. Relieve your
  frustration by lobbing a few virtual tomatoes!

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Blow-jobs, World-saving, Kids & Asking the Web 

  >> "I sucked off a bloke" <<
  Kunt & the Gang revisit Kate Perry's
  poptabulous hit of last year. Lots of sexy
  builders. Kunt is a fucking star. He's also at
  Edinburgh this year. "I'm trying to raise
  awareness," he says, "Not in a cancer way."

  >> Rob saves the planet <<
  "A charity asked me to make a video about green
  issues," explains ginger fuhrer Rob. "Hope you
  like it as I've made myself look like an utter
  prick making it." It's not long in before the
  blood and piss and anger start flying about.

  >> The Bathroom song <<
  The point isn't so much the song itself as the
  second half of the vid, where Joel vividly
  illustrates the pitfalls of employing children
  as extras in your music videos.

  >> What does the internet think? <<
  c_kick has been wondering what the internet
  likes. So he's made this frankengoogle creation
  that queries three major search engines and
  Twitter to make pretty graphs of love, hate and
  indifference for whatever you type in.


  That's me on TV!

  Last week we wanted your TV appearances. We are
  glad we asked as otherwise we we'd have missed
  TheMagicDwarf's story of appearing, drunk, on
  Countdown. Go read it here.:

  * MOTORBOATING FOR IRELAND - "After an Ireland
  game, we'd won 2-0 and as we left I was accosted
  by a woman in a extremely low-cut top with camera
  man and microphone in tow who wanted my opinion
  on the game. As she asked me my feelings on the
  game I did that thing where you kind-of lean your
  head down, only to realise I had a quite fantastic
  view of a quite fantastic pair of tits. I then,
  to my eternal shame/pride, took a deep breath,
  looked down at her tits, then at the camera before
  motorboating those big breasts for Ireland. I
  was quickly shoved away by a furious camera-man
  and some other guy who I hadn't noticed before.
  Police took me to one side and it took all my wit
  and drunken apologies for them not to arrest me.
  Apologies to you, brunette with large boobies,
  if you read this, but I regret nothing."
  * PUSSYCATS - "I developed a revolutionary system
  for the intensive indoor farming of Australian
  crayfish. I shit you not. On the show Duncan
  Bannatyne tried to argue that restaurants would 
  not buy live crayfish over frozen ones. He should
  know, he quipped, as he owned a restaurant. So I
  pointed out that his chef was one of my customers.
  Deborah Meaden said she was out for ethical reasons
  and accused me of being, "a bit of a wet fish", to
  which I replied "No, I came here to see dragons
  and only found pussycats." The foppish-haired
  Australian one thought transport would be "an
  issue" and didn't like me informing him that
  the crayfish had been shipped from Brisbane a
  week earlier courtesy of Singapore Airlines, been
  down to Cornwall for a few days to recoup before
  heading to London with me on a train and being
  cooked by a Michelin-starred chef that morning
  before heading to the studio in a taxi. Unsurprisingly
  I was cut to about 15 seconds. They are all cunts."
  (Mong The Merciless)
  * POO ALWAYS WINS - "In 1990 I witnessed an air
  crash (there's not much to do in the north of
  Scotland). Local TV news cameras arrived the next
  day and interview me: "It was very quick - there
  was a big bang and a fireball," I say. They
  interview my mum, "It was just like a sunset,"
  she says, wistfully. They interview my dad, who,
  at the time, was a fairly well-respected local
  figure, "I didn't see it - I was in the toilet."
  My dad got top billing when it aired - I was
  last." (Mighty Nibus)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Is your boss a cunt? Thought so. Tell us all
  about it here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Ugliest tattoos <<
  Tattoos are hot this week, what with that Dutch
  girl claiming that she'd fallen asleep and
  hadn't really wanted a bukkake sputz of 56 inky
  stars across her left cheek. Hence it's with
  good timing we bring you another compendium of
  crap tats. BTW: We just tried really hard to
  think up a crap tattoo idea and the best we can
  come up with is adding a Google-style radio
  button to your nipple with the slogan, "I'm
  feeling lucky".

  >> Bands say the stupidest things <<
  Blog dedicated to the most idiotic or
  egotistical press releases and bios put out by
  bands and their hapless managers. Our favourite
  comment? "Thanks, I’ll listen to it in my car
  on the way home!" – Jonny Greenwood, Radiohead.

  >> Sneaking round the neighbours' house <<
  Alarming thread from internet dickwad who likes
  to wander round his neighbours' house while
  they're on holiday. With pictures, for your own
  vicarious pleasure. Reminds us of Charlie
  Manson sending out his family for "creepy
http://snipurl.com/creepycrawl  [forums_somethingawful_com] 

  >> The £10 breakfast <<
  Greasy spoon offers a free breakfast for the
  fat biffa who can entirely devour what's
  essentially a whole fried pig wearing an egg
  bikini. Otherwise, it's a tenner.

  >> Never touch your shitty arse again <<
  Truly the end times are here, when people are
  unable to cope with the fact that they do poos
  out of their bottoms. Here's a mechanical arm
  to hold the toilet paper while you do your
  business. Not included - another mechanical arm
  to clean the shite off this one.

  >> Radio Spiritworld <<
  Peter Serafinowicz and Robert Popper are
  probably best-known for the brilliant TV series
  Look Around You, and lately we've been stalking
  them both on twitter where we learnt about
  their latest project - the first episode of a
  podcast from beyond the grave. We advise
  copying this to your iPod and going for a walk
  in the local park - that's what we did.
  Sniggering about ghosts whilst enjoying the
  sunshine is a perfect way to spend 30 minutes.


  Milk teeth adventure

  Breaking our golden rule of only using this
  section to linky to baby animals, here's a cute
  little photo story about two milk teeth and
  their adventure in the big, big world.


  A tiny little telly you can wank to at work

  >> The Simpsons minus the Simpsons <<
  The removing stuff meme continues - first there
  was Garfield without Garfield's speech bubbles
  - it made Garfield's owner Jon an utterly
  mad, lonely figure talking to a dumb cat. Then
  The Wonder Years with the narrative voiceovers
  zilched - to suggest a world of uncomfortable
  silences. And now? Some autistic genius has had
  a go at the iconic intro from The Simpsons.
  What next? Knight Rider's David Hasselhoff with
  a Kitt that doesn't answer back?

  >> Lily Allen vs. The Littlest Hobo Theme <<
  Despite even our mum claiming to be bored of
  them, mash-ups haven't died, especially when
  they're spliced together for humour rather than
  who-really-gives-a-toss music reasons. We're
  loving the implication of this - that Lilly
  Allen is stuck in an unsatisfactory romantic
  entanglement with a dog. 
http://snurl.com/lilyesthobo  [www_b3ta_com] 

  >> Dinosaurs saying "Hi" <<
  Dubbing Jurassic Park dinosaurs with a goofy
  "hi" instead of roaring has a touch of genius
  to it.

  >> What is a browser? <<
  Google are doing some lovely research at the
  moment - this video helping remind web
  developers that in the greater world nobody
  really gives a stuff about exact terminology.
  If you're developing online projects - this
  might make you think a little.
http://snipurl.com/whatisabrowser  [pleaseenjoy_com] 

  >> The Book of Genesis revisited. <<
  To critique Intelligent Design's absurd
  marriage of science with religion, Michael
  Shermer has penned the following revision of
  the Genesis creation story. Ideal for sending
  to your local vicar whilst you masturbate your
  man cock by slapping it between the heavy pages
  of The God Delusion. Oh sorry - just us then?

  >> Play Helen off Keyboard Cat... <<
  In 1982 Academy Award-winning actress Helen Hunt
  starred in Desperate Lives as a young woman who
  jumps out of a window after taking PCP. In 2009
  she was played off by Keyboard Cat. Epic.
http://snipurl.com/playhelenoff  [www_b3ta_com] 


  Results from the Nick Griffin Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to 'shop 
  Britain's foremost Nazi.

  Your favourites included:
  * GOMA - an unsettling return for the 
    nation's favourite case of mistaken
    identity (cakeburglar)

  * CHOCOLATE - Griffin's glass eye spoils
    new version of Cadburys ad (drboon)

  * OBAMA - Face-to-face with his political
    nemesis, our racist hero crumbles (WiL)

  All these images, and the highest as
  voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: iPhone Apps <<
  As Apple updates its iPhone software, 
  introducing revolutionary features like 
  'copy & paste' and 'picture messaging', 
  it's the perfect time to imagine the apps 
  that Apple won't approve, and to show how 
  they'd be used.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * REVIEWER'S REVENGE - Matt Boothman writes,
  "In your last newsletter you featured a song by
  The Glass Band, in which frontman Arran Glass
  retaliated musically to a bad review. I'm the
  c*nt that wrote the review and I've retaliated
  in turn. Since you've linked your readers to
  Mr Glass's song, maybe they'd like to hear the
  next instalment of the Glass v. Boothman saga?"
http://snurl.com/manwitch  [www_t5m_com] 

  * B3TARD GETS BOOKED - Sam Fuller writes, "Long
  time lurker Monsieur Le Pedant here. My missus
  runs this voice over agency: www.rabbit.uk.net 
  - they're great. On seeing Terry Mynott's
  brilliant and haunting VO reel the other week
  in the newsletter I forwarded it post haste to
  her in charge. Happily they have just taken him


  Do Yo Knowz Yo Showz?

  We've been working tirelessly behind the scenes
  getting B3tans to make games for the E4 website
  - the latest is NTC Inc's unique take on
  internet quizzes.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * AUTO-SITCOM MUSIC - "I need  an iPhone app
  that gives me incidental movie/sit com music
  to use in my daily life." (@balkanbeat)

  * STALKING PEOPLE - "A version of Shazam in
  which you can send a photo of someone's face
  and it will search facebook for their name."

  * MP FUN - "Code that takes the blacked-out bit
  on MP expense forms and replaces it with text
  from porn sites." (@MontyPropps)

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Rev. Jesse,
  @ohthedecadence, @MJHibbett, executiverocker,
  @SuaveRepublique, mr.dogshit, rich annexia,
  intesvensk, Monkey Tennis *naf. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlos via peebles.


  My sister talks about sex online with people
  she doesn't know. She thinks ;)

next issue »
« previous issue