NEWSLETTER: "SUBJECT LINE CANCELLED DUE TO LACK OF CELEBRITY FATALITIES"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Knut's tribute to Jacko
* DAILY MAIL - What should you be scared of now?
* CHALLENGE - Draw Hitler
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 386 - 10 Jul 2009
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue386/
Submarine: [email protected]
Unsubmarine: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
LONDON By Charlie Dark
A kaleidoscopic rundown of the city, as seen
through the eyes of Producer/DJ Charlie Dark
and his fellow visionaries.
http://tinyurl.com/ndvfjc
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Vaginas, Jacko & The Daily Fail
>> He bite my vagina <<
"Hi mate," beams a bullish Joel Veitch. "We
made a musical remix mashupy thing of that lady
whose dog bit her in the vagina." BTW: Have we
ever mentioned we once woke up with our cat
licking our penis?
http://www.rathergood.com/bite
>> Kunt's tribute to Jacko <<
We love Kunt & The Gang, his name alone makes
us fans. He has zilch chance of mainstream
acceptance as you can't even say his name
without offending. Indeed, checking his website
the only press he appears to get is in rubbish
porn mags like Fiesta, oh, and us of course.
His latest creation is a personal take on the
death of MJ. Please stick with it as it's
rather wonderful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Dailymail fear mash-up <<
Last week we asked for you to make, "Doomwatch
- a site which counts fear words eg 'Swine
Flu', 'Terrorism'... from the day's news and
charts what to be most scared of today." Tinlad
answered our prayer, "Doomwatch pulls in the
news feed from the Daily Mail, counts the fear
words, and lets you know exactly what you
should be worrying about today, with convenient
graphical representations of the size of the
bricks you should be shitting," he explains.
You can also point it at other news sites of
your choice.
http://www.mydarkmaterials.co.uk/doom/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Tramps
Last week we asked for your hobo stories. Go
on, go laugh at the unfortunates. Then feel a
bit bad after reading Evil Lu's nice list of
things you can do to help. Then laugh again to
make yourself feel better. We know you too well:
http://b3ta.com/questions/tramps/
* EL DUDERINO - "Key West, 2001. I met The Dude.
He was the absolute dead ringer for Lebowski. He
looked like Jeff Bridges, he sounded like Jeff
Bridges. He was a fucking rock star. I sat and got
as high as a fucking kite with him and his hobo
friends: The man who made hats out of palm leaves
and looked like he was carved out of mahogany;
the man gave out cards for the strip club; and
the man who hustled tourists at pool. I supplied
the booze, they supplied the dope. The Dude didn’t
even get pissed off with me when I asked him if
he'd seen The Big Lebowski, "Man, do I look like
I own a video player? Where would I even plug
it in?" Later on, I was sat on the edge of a wall,
looking over the water watching the famous Key
West sunset, when I heard, "Scarpe! Dude! Good
to see you, man!" being yelled at me. From the
water. As The Dude went sailing past in a bath
tub with an outboard motor attached to the back,
waving at me like a mad man. Dude, I salute you,
you were fucking awesome. May your bath float on
forever." (scarpe)
* BRUCE LEE - "I was standing on the escalator
to the tube behind a traditional, 'fun'-type
tramp, with matted ginger hair down to his waist.
In front of him were two Japanese teenagers.
They had matching yellow rucksacks on so they
must have been on some kind of school trip.
The tramp started going, "Arr soor! Aaaar soooor,
I'm Bruce Lee!" and karate chopping the air.
I was cringing at this basic, racist humour,
until one of the boys turned around, waggled
his fingers at him and said, "Arr soooor! I'm
Mick Hucknall." (browser)
* ROGER HODGSON - "I walked past a homeless guy
and he started singing 'when I was young I
thought that life was so logical...' I said,
'That's supertramp.' He said 'Thanks very
much.'"
(dolly gobshite)
>> This Week's Question <<
Gyms are evil places dedicated to extracting
fat, sweat... and your cash. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/gyms/
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: SPONSORED LINKY-POOS NUMBER TWOS
Model for POLICE. Go on. Give it a try
Style brand POLICE are famous for their print
advertisements. Previously they've used David
Beckham wearing their sunglasses whilst covered
in baby oil, and this year they want to use
YOU. Yes, dear internet, they want YOU to
upload a photo of your lovely self and you
might be picked to be the face of their
campaigns for 2010. The site is actually
quite fun in a hot-or-not kind of way, and
they're looking for people who look "unique"
so a few b3tans in the mix might do the trick.
http://www.police-beyounique.com/Faces/Faces.aspx
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Crap magazine top tips <<
Beyond parody really - here's a collection of
real top tips found in the pikey magazines like
Chat. Frankly we think the mags are taking the
piss and run them for a laugh anyway. Best one?
"Don't like chocolate? Try my 'cheese eggs'.
Simply roll Babybels into an egg shape and
serve. Delicious." BTW: If any readers (Hello
CCC) fancy making some up and trying to get 'em
printed then we'd love to hear about it.
http://heroofswitzerland.blogspot.com/search/label...
>> The Annotated Weekender <<
The Guardian's Weekend magazine is the glossy
bit that you traditionally read in a local cafe
on Saturday morning whilst planning an exciting
weekend ahead. This week you and your partner
should competitively scribble on it and see if
you can out-amuse these guys. Something to do
anyway.
http://theannotatedweekender.blogspot.com/
>> Babes of the BNP <<
Great idea for an article - find some
ever-so-slightly-gammy lady members of the BNP
and interview them about their abhorrent views.
Actually, we think the BNP provide a useful
service - they're a minority that the
middle-classes can give a good kicking to
without feeling guilt, much like how council
folk love nothing better than setting fire to a
paedophile. More self-selecting groups that
it's ok to hate please; it's what comedy needs.
http://www.viceland.com/wp/2009/07/babes-of-the-bn...
>> Photoshopping black people <<
Advertising imagery sometimes needs to reflect
cultural diversity but if the designer hasn't
got an appropriate photo to hand, photoshop can
be used to place a black person in shot.
Witness the magic when cultural awkwardness
meets technical cack-handedness. There's lols
in them there hills.
http://snurl.com/werenotracistwerejustcrap
>> Bing vs Google <<
You have to hand it to Microsoft - they don't
give up. They've been completely shit at search
for years but finally they produce Bing, and
it's OK. It's no game-changer but if they force
enough people to use it by embedding it into
Internet Explorer etc. then they've got a
chance of maybe... not beating Google. But
certainly Yahoo should be worried. Or so
current received wisdom says - and yet when we
use this tool to compare them side by side -
for our money - Google is still the clear
winner. It's the extras like folding in the
news search that really make it for us.
However, try for yourself. It's fun sticking
your own name in anyway.
http://www.bing-vs-google.com/
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: US EDITION OF JOKE BOOK ANNOUNCED
Don't all flock to the shops at once
About a year ago a publisher got in touch
asking to republish the joke book in America -
largely for the book club market. A side-effect
of this, is that it's now available for the
first time on Amazon.com. However they've
changed the title (which I quite like) and the
cover (not so sure about.) Anyway, it's all a
bit odd writing this up as I haven't even seen
a real copy, and only know that it's finally
for sale because it came up in a Google search.
But there you go. Buy it, America. Buy it now.
http://snurl.com/everytimeyouclickafairydies
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Rainstorm kitten
B3tan Kim found this poor, little mite sitting
in the gutter in the pouring rain. If you live
in Shanghai and are looking for a cat... this
could be your lucky day.
http://www.olivepixel.com/misc/kitten/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but smaller and with no remote control
>> Augmented reality <<
Bloody hell. This is the future! Hold your
iPhone up and this app'll stick little labels
on the view to direct you to the nearest Tube
station. It's like being the Terminator -
freaking awesome!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> How to open a banana <<
Not funny, just useful. We've been doing it
wrong our whole lives. Sigh. All those wasted
years...
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ive_been_doing_it_wrong
>> Henry Rollins techno <<
The great man's anti-techno rant remixed into
dance music. Also features the inspiring
choreography of Techno Viking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Fly-powered plane <<
Bearded inventor chap finds a way to make a
fly... fly. By supergluing it to a tiny model
plane. Erm...
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fly_powered_plane
>> Michael Jackson interview <<
Fry and Laurie's Michael Jackson interview from
yesteryear. The great man answers questions
from his critics and performs his latest single.
http://b3ta.com/links/A_rare_interview_with_Michae...
>> Duke Nukem's Disease <<
Touching documentary about a man whose motor
skills are those of a character from a first
person shooter game. Maybe one day there will
be a cure.
http://b3ta.com/links/FPS_disease_is_a_terrible_af...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Actually a name for once, rather than a cock
* SNAPPY SNAPS - Andrew writes, "I found this
interestingly-named photographer's on London
Road in Sheffield." Bet this guy is great at
taking the money shot.
http://naxtek.com/general/smp.jpg
* MIS-USING GPS - Kudos to mrkeithmartin who,
using his GPS watch managed to draw this
impressive route on the satellite map. Ah, back
to the cocks.
http://connect.garmin.com/activity/6033208
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: BONUS B3TARDS
More stuff made by our webby chums
* JEREMY CLARKSON IN A MICROWAVE - Short but
satisfying outing for Cyriak.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jeremy_Clarkson_in_a_mic...
* ENJOYABLE SPOOF NEWS SITE - yeah yeah, we
know. But Duncan McKenzie actually made us
laugh - a rare enough occurrence.
http://dailyweek.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Pirates Challenge
Last week we had a one-word challenge: Pirates.
Your favourites included:
* PIRATES - that bit at the beginning of films,
in reality (sepang)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9557682
* PI RAT - does what it says on the tin more
precisely than anything, ever (VieuxConAigri)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9557275
* PARITY - USB pirate parrot pun (Captn
Hood-Butter)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9557630
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pirates/
>> New challenge: Draw Hitler <<
This week we're are ordering a drawing
competition. You must use pens, pencils,
crayons, blood, anything really, but you have
to draw Hitler.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/drawingsofhitler/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SICKINEWS - "I put this together in response
to your last newsletter," explains
Linusmartensson. "It throws whatever words are
Capitalized in a news title into a search query
and burps out the top result from sickipedia."
It's a little random but the better for that.
http://secretweb.org/sickinews
* IMAGINE DAWKINS - "You said you wanted a Richard
Dawkins version of 'Imagine'," blames Fat Boab.
"Well, here it is. With added Hawkings."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* IS 9.5HRs NETBOOK FOR REAL? - last week we
promised we'd test this out, we took it on a
train up north and it managed the 3hrs up and
the 3hrs back just fine, but was just about
running out by the end. So we reckon 6.5hrs is
a more likely estimate considering ordinary use
of some internet, some video watching and some
word processing. Still, not bad - certainly
longer than any other laptop we've used. Linky
goes to Amazon should you have a spare £300 you
want to spunk in Amazon's clicky face.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001UE8LA...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* TWHITLER.COM - a slice of Twitter than only
displays mentions of Hitler - they're often
rather interesting. A current peek reveals the
great quote, "without Hitler, there'd be no
british comedy"
http://search.twitter.com/search
* PEOPLE DRESSED AS HITLER.COM - mainly as
we've just started typing Hitler into search
engines and look what's popped out: a lovely
young lady who we'd like to get to Third Reich
with.
http://snurl.com/hitlerbabyonemoretime
* CAN'T THINK OF A THIRD HITLER SITE - so over
to MadAdamUk who suggests, "As summer is coming
up, could some b3ta boffin figure out which
solution is more efficient in terms of cooling
AND energy bills; An average tower fan on all
day or a portable air-con unit for say 3-4
hours over the course of a day."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via Coin Operated
Boy, Occulus, Beejay, RBF esquire, Mme Bing .
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subyline via barryheadwound.
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SICKIPEDIA:
The keen-eyed will noticed that Sickipedia as
attracted its first advertiser. In four years
nobody, but nobody would touch it with a shitty
stick. Despite being a popular site - approx 6
million page views per month - people are wary
of associating their products with bad taste
jokes.
So welcome Jamrags.com - a clothing company
that understands that it's just a bunch of
jokes. Well they should, as their business
model is to stick similarly offensive slogans
on their own t-shirts.
BTW: We're wondering if Prince Harry is a fan
of Sickipedia? A recent Daily Mail quotes a
friend of TV presenter Caroline Flack as
saying, "Harry is very funny and texts her
jokes all the time from an internet site he’s
found."
Anyway. You want a joke - props to Milenko for
this pithy one-liner, "RAPE. Small word, long
sentence."
http://www.sickipedia.org/
